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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deaverite
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4 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Story Box  
Review by Dea
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great story! Here are some of my specific thoughts:

Characterization: I love the voices of the characters and your descriptions were just enough to give me something to picture in my head, allowing my brain to fill in the details. That is a skill I am working on, myself!

Plot: The plot is subtle but powerful. I wanted to know more of how Beth was feeling as her dad's memory came back for that brief time. The gamut of emotions she must have run, from being unrecognized by her own father to sharing a strong memory with him must have been heart-wrenching. You could flesh that out a little and still keep the subtle touch you are striving for, I think.

Grammar/conventions:

"...it wasn’t without a twinge of guilt that she didn’t wonder if he might not be happier at home with her and her husband."

This is a quadruple negative and kind of confusing. You could say, "it was with a twinge of guilt that she wondered if he might not be happier..." or
"...it wasn't without a twinge of guilt that she wondered if he might not be happier..."

“If he hadn’t been up that tree yellin’ for you ta go faster, you’d never wrecked.”
Add the word have like this: "you'd never have wrecked" or "you'd have never wrecked."

Imagery: I LOVED the imagery at the end of the footprints in the snow disappearing. It kind of echoes the whole gist of your story. Nicely done!

Overall, I thought this was a great story with high emotion played out in a melancholy way.
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Review by Dea
Rated: E | (3.0)
These are just my thoughts, so please accept them as only my humble opinion and use them as you see fit.

First, I could feel the emotional distress embedded in the piece. You did a wonderful job getting the emotion across to the reader.

I like how you used a "stream of consciousness" way of writing, and even broke the narrative wall to speak directly to the reader. ( "I do get weak, ok.") Your voice comes through very well and it helps the reader feel the power of your distress.

I like the imagery. ("a storm raging inside", "hiding each scar in lies") Really powerful images!

One suggestion:

I was confused by the sentence "I need someone to touch their naked soul to open up in honesty to pour out in trust and to reveal their truth." Are you asking someone to share their life with you on a deeper level? Are you wanting to share your own life at that level with someone? Is it someone specific or anyone willing to embrace you as the broken person you are? ( here I am using "you" to mean the narrator of the piece.)

Overall, you did a great job, and I'll listen, anytime you need me to! :)
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3
Review by Dea
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like your story! It reads like a true tale since you put it in 1st person. If that is what you were going for, you nailed it. A couple of suggestions:

"As the figure and I looked at each other, if that is what it could be called, I felt nothing on its part." Maybe change the last phrase into something a little more clear like "I felt nothing emanating from it, no feeling, no malevolence."

"My ears were ringing with the sound of a runaway train beating the tracks to death that must have been my heartbeat." The imagery here is awesome, but the wording is a little clunky. Maybe something like "What sounded in my ears like a runaway train beating the tracks to death was only my heartbeat clawing its way out of my chest."

You have great imagery here! This has the workings of a bigger story if you wanted to take it there.
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