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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/djokolot
Review Requests: OFF
332 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Sherry,

I'm happy to review your essay, "Cup Half Full or Half Empty." I found it both realistic and uplifting, and it gave me a positive feeling about life in general, which I believe was the point you were trying to convey. Very well done, in that respect. I would like to suggest capitalizing the title, as that is proper punctuation. It may even make a stronger point by making it "The Cup Half Full Or Half Empty," or even make it a question, "The Cup Half Full Or Half Empty?"

As I read this I thought that it would make a good blog post, or even the first blog post that sets the theme for a blog. As for a couple of grammatical issues, there are a few things that could make your piece stronger. It might be even stronger to use a more direct word such as difficulties or trials, rather than "Ups and downs." Likewise for "bad times." A stronger adjective would make it much more clear to the reader. Readability can be the lynch pin in a piece of writing. The word "mothers" should be written with an apostrophe, mother's. There is a missing comma in between workers and the word "and," one or two other words that could be more descriptive.

Despite these few things, it's a great little post! Your resilient attitude really shines through! Nice job!


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2
2
Review of The Cave  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your story kept my interest right to the end of it, although it did seem a bit slower paced. I didn’t get a feeling of impending danger until they actually found the cave. Perhaps adding a detail like finding a footprint or something that would make me realize the characters feared for their lives or were more concerned than they seemed to be.

The plot was good, but one more strong detail could make my heart race while reading it. The setting worked pretty well, and I was able to imagine the scene with no trouble. And while the dialogue was natural enough, I didn’t get the sense that they were overly worried, or panicked.

I would have liked to have had some idea who was behind them. While you leave it to the readers imagination, and that can have its advantages, one strong detail could make this a short read with a lot of tension.

I enjoyed this story overall. There were one or two unnecessary or missing commas, but spelling and readability was good.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Hi James! I saw your request in the "Please Review" section of the Community Menu so I thought I'd give your story a read!

Title/Description/Genre *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**HalfStar*

The title of your story made me curious, and that is what prompted me to read yours first. While I found the title somewhat humorous (after reading the story), it didn't give me any clue to what type of story it might be, or what a little of the premise was, until I read the description. Without the description line, I might have passed it by.

Plot/Setting & Structure *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**HalfStar*

What can I say? Great little plot! I liked it *very* well! You set up the plot without giving the story away and still kept the mystery throughout. Good Job. You've made the setting crystal clear in my mind. I can "see" this trailer park as clearly as if it was on the end of my own street, but you didn't name the town or state, although I gather it was down south somewhere from other elements of the story. The structure of your story is well-crafted. It has a definitive beginning, middle and ending, and the ending is quite satisfying as well.

Character/POV/Voice *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

These two characters, Corky and Harlan, came to life on the page for me. Corky a familiar redneck, and Harlan the local boy trying to shed any of the trappings of a typical redneck, played so well off each other. You really did fine work with this aspect. Your use of third person POV works well also.

Dialogue & Descriptions *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

I especially enjoyed your descriptive writing; not too many details, but enough to make me "see" the trailer park. I like descriptions that make me feel as though I'm there, seeing the story unfold, yet not so descriptive that the story could be almost any town. That takes some skill. Good work with this!

Tone/Flow & Pacing *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

The tone remained mysterious, yet had a slight touch of humor to it, (based more on the characterizations than the premise, I think). The story paced along well, with the right amount of tension and action as they attempted to see Gibby on tape and in person. It also flowed well too, as I did not notice any breaks in the story, no choppiness, or abrupt paragraphs or action. Very smooth.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**HalfStar*

There were one or two missing punctuation marks I noticed offhand, but I try not to nitpick this area if the writer does a good job with it overall. A grammar check and editor check can catch most of the little things we miss.

*Pencil* Closing Comments *StarY*

I enjoyed your tale and found it exciting, as well as a little humorous too. Corky made this story come to life for me!



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4
4
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello again, Jeannie. I'm reviewing a poem you wrote during GOT, "If I Could Change The World."

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

I loved the premise of this poem! How many of us have written or spoken about how and what we would do, or what we think should be done to change the world. You were able to use countless examples of things pertinent to living in today's world, and I think you did a very good job depicting many of them. Interesting that you began with "letting our flag unfurl." I smiled when I thought of that line since our flag is being disrespected by groups of people today, it seemed a very appropriate example, to begin with.

While the poem was written by you, it could be spoken by almost anyone in their respective countries. I also found it to be a lovely thing that this poem could be speaking of almost any country today, so it is relatable to many people who would read it. Obviously, it's addressed to other "citizens," and without mentioning a specific place or country, you make it everyone's poem. Very nice!

The tone of the poem seems to be a bit of frustration over the way of the world, and adamant that we do something about it. I liked how you conveyed that throughout the piece without actually saying you were angry or disappointed at the way things have become. The mood is one of awareness and consciousness of the way the world has changed, and the author's need to not only express that but to offer suggestions at the changes that could be made.

You chose to use the Quatrain form with several stanzas and some usage of consonance/assonance. Your use of imagery is very good. I especially like this stanza (which seems to sum up the theme of the poem):

Bring back the motto, ‘United we stand,
Divided we fall,’ what’s so hard to understand?
Why can’t they see this, which amazes me?
What’s in it for me seems to be their decree.


Your rhyme scheme was good, and the verbiage was chosen well, although some of the rhyme was not completely "true rhyme," it was lyrical and made its points in a cohesive way. I like how you showed the many ways people have changed, and how our concerns have changed along with them, showing the negative side in a lighter way, in order to make others hear your words. Good work. To the point, but not preachy. And your ending sums up your personal feelings, and what we need to fix those things gone wrong. One thing's for certain, you have a good grasp on reality and you're well aware of life on earth in the modern world, showing both your feelings of hope and pessimism.

I really enjoyed reading this as it appealed to me in composition and form, and especially regarding the subject matter. You have good structure and meter, and it was a contemplative read indeed! Nice work.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Jeannie. I'm reviewing your story, "A Christmas Letter."

Title/Description/Genre

The generic title for the story was accentuated by the description, in this case. I liked how the simple title made me anticipate and wonder what silly accident was going to happen. Nice job creating a bit of suspense, especially in a letter.

Plot/Setting & Structure

This is a more original Christmas story. I liked it because it actually had all the elements a satisfying story would have, a bit of a mystery and a lovely message, perfect for a Christmas story. I also thought it was going to be a laughable moment when Bob fell on Martha and made the joke, but it was a good twist to the story that it was not laughable, but serious. The letter had a few surprises and showed family values at their best. You did a wonderful job portraying these values and loyalties. The letter itself actually has very good structure. It feels complete by the end of it, and as I mentioned, the ending is satisfying. You don't often see story's based on a letter, but this was really quite intriguing.

Character/POV & Voice

Mary is a well-rounded character, with values and etiquette. You show her throughout the letter, through her statements and her actions. Her voice is consistent throughout, with her concerns being voiced in the letter, and her personal beliefs being made clear and she spoke about other people's reactions.

Dialogue & Descriptions

Since this is a letter, there was little verbal dialogue, but the dialogue that was in the story added to Mary's character and to the ending of the story. It basically tied up the loose end of knowing what happened to Great Aunt Martha, and whether or not Mary would attend the dinner without her. Your use of description is quite detailed and made the letter a good recount of the incident. We learn that the silly accident can have a serious outcome, but that during the time of miracles, things can, and often do work out. Wonderful message.

Tone/Flow & Pacing

The tone felt light, at first, and even possibly humorous, then changed to a tone of concern. By the end of the letter, after the phone call, I felt Mary's tone and the tone of the story changed one last time to relief and warmth once again, until a little facetiousness popped in at the end regarding Uncle Arnie. The letter flowed easily, as a letter naturally would sound, and the pace of it was fairly quick. It didn't bore or drag.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar

The story could use a recheck of the grammar and punctuation. I noticed a few passive verbs such as "was left, were filled, to be released, etc," several readability issues with unnecessary words such as "began walking," which grammatically would be better to say "walked toward the house." One last thing I noticed is something I do all the time. I believe you have several sentences with a comma interjected that do not need one, such as after the words them, breathe, pulse, air, etc. But this is easily fixable with another grammar check. Also, I believe the story would read better with the word Xmas spelled out as Christmas, but this is just my personal opinion.

*Pencil* Closing Comments

I enjoyed the story/letter rather well and thought you did a fine job with it, other than a few grammar changes. Keep writing!




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6
6
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi lostwordsmith! I'm doing a review of your team poem, "Life's Heirloom Quilt."{c}

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

The idea was to use the subject of "Memories" for the poem, and you did a beautiful job conveying your interpretation of how memories can be both bittersweet in thought, depending on the experience.

Using the analogy of an heirloom quilt was a very creative way to show the theme by use of association, and gave the poem a warm and old-style feeling.

Also, the pantoum form was interesting as well as challeging while restating the theme, although it didn't leave a lot of room for additional reminicing due to the refrains.

This has a lovely, country feel to it, real texture to the stanzas. The language was well-chosen, but I found myself wanting to see more of it, over the refrains.

Very good use of alliteration, and assonance.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*

This was an amazing poem, and showed your poetic talent!






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
for entry "The Throne
Review by Dee
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very funny, indeed! Excellent tribute to the throne!
8
8
Review of The Prayer Quilt  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Hi GemGem. I saw your story, The Prayer Quilt, and I had to read it.

Title/Description/Genre *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

The title of your story is what caught my eye as I went through a list of stories about breast cancer. I believe in prayer, and the prayer quilt is actually a wonderful idea. So, naturally I think it makes a wonderful title for such a heartfelt story! The genres you chose are also perfect. Spiritual and friendship go hand in hand when it comes to this type of support, and the description tied it all together, beautifully. I wanted to know who and why it was meant for.

Plot/Setting & Structure *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

In my opinion, you have a very emotional plot and storyline. It doesn't get any better than divine inspiration, like Trina experienced, so I must say, the "voice" was a creative and devotional way to show her motivation, and explain her actions throughout. An easy plot to follow, yet this simple storyline tugs at the heartstrings in such a lovely, and personal way, I couldn't help but become immersed in Trina's world. Nice work setting up the plot. The structure of the story is clearly defined, as you have the beginning set the stage for what we think will be Trina's story, only to find out in the middle that it isn't her story at all. By the time we reach the end, we are moved by her feelings and her actions to support her friend by sending the quilt. I found that by not using a specific setting, you showed how this could be anyone's story, anywhere. That's the difficult truth of cancer, but you show it in a supportive context, rather than the frightening way it can be in reality. Again, excellent work with the plot and setting.

Character/POV & Voice *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

Experiencing the story through Trina's POV, (her eyes and her thoughts), made this a powerful story for me as a reader. You show Trina's most visible character attributes--her compassion and her belief in a higher power that helps her through not only her own scare, but helps her help her friend through her time of difficulty with cancer. Trina is a strong and devoted individual, who puts her faith at work for her and her friend through her own ability to overcome hardship and fear. She has a clear and comforting voice through the piece, which made me feel at ease.

Dialogue & Descriptions *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

You didn't use dialogue in your story, but the narrative and descriptions were well drawn for me to not only see Trina, the quilt, and the situation, but you made me feel what she felt as she heard the voice, and feel what she felt as she read the email from her friend, etc. The narrative never felt as though it told the story, because you showed me so many things Trina thought about and felt, with a simple word or two, or with an action, much more than even dialogue would have shown. This story is an inner thought story, or rather a story from within, so your style of showing with narrative and description worked very well in this case.

Tone/Flow & Pacing *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

Again, while the tone was a little fearful at first, but then changed to a more sympathetic tone as Trina was convinced the quilt was not for herself. While the mood changed to hopefulness by the end of it. The flow and pacing was just right, because I read through the story without even thinking of those elements, even after the second read through. Each paragraph slid smoothly into the next, and did so with nothing pulling my thoughts away from the story itself. The pacing felt appropriate for the genre and type of story.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

I saw nothing that caught my attention in the way of punctuation, grammar, or spelling problems. Everything looked spot on. If there are any missing marks, then I must have missed them as well, because the readability was also smooth and easy.

*Pencil* Closing Comments

I enjoyed reading the story very much. I have known women who went through breast cancer, and I find this to be a lovely, supportive, and comforting story to offer someone. Honestly, I couldn't offer any suggestions. I found the story perfect the way it is.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Hi DeNine. As you know, I'm Dee. I'm a member of the WDC Power Reviewers also. I finally had a chance to read the first chapter of your novel, and I'm glad you asked me to review it! This is a story that kept my attention from the first word, all the way to the last. I plan to continue reading it.

Title/Description/Genre *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**HalfStar*

The title is interesting, and made me curious about the story. Yet, while it is intriguing, the title and the description sort of give the story premise away. The moment you wrote Nephilim's Fall, and asked the question, What Am I? I basically knew what the story was going to be about, a fallen angel, or rather a demon with an agenda.

But please understand, I think the title and description offer much in the way of visual versus emotional impact. And I think the title is an effective choice. The only comment I would say about the description line itself, is that I think Kyle didn't comprehend the deal he made, but I don't know if I'd say he unknowingly made it, because he was aware of the deal he was making, and even asked questions about it.

Plot/Setting & Structure *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

What an exciting and mysterious plot this story has. It's dark, that's true, but it also has some wonderfully innocent moments, such as Kyle's reaction to Stella each time he's around her. Since I'm only on the first chapter, I don't know the exact plot, other than the Nephilim's desire to get something from Stella, and him wanting Kyle to bring Stella to him, as a part of of their deal. If that is the plot of the novel, then you've begun with a bang, and a great start! The story keeps my interest, and never once did it wane. Good work!

The setting could have been any town or place, since it wasn't defined or specified. This often works to the writer's advantage, providing the opportunity for reader association, giving just enough details to make the reader feel they know the place the story takes place in. Now, if the setting will become important to the story, then showing me that early is always best.

As far as structure is concerned, since this is only the first chapter, my comment would be that you set the first chapter up very well, and you do have a definite beginning, middle, and end to this unit, and you left the ending with a question that made me want to know more. In fact, I did look to see if you had more chapters written. So, if you follow through with your remaining chapters with the same structure you used for this first one, it will be a very well written story, no doubt!

Character/POV & Voice *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

Telling this from Kyle's POV was a satisfying read. If this was Stella's story, I don't think I would have enjoyed it as much. Kyle, despite being depicted as a weak individual both physically and even to some degree, mentally, is a strong fictional character with definite opinions, physical attributes, and desires. Several times your narration describes him in relation to his physicaI deficiencies, and how even he thinks about these same things, which make him feel like a real person to me-like someone from next door you know and feel sympathy toward. Kyle's voice is sympathetic towards other people, but also sarcastic, but he has a demoralizing voice when it comes to thoughts and opinions about himself. Since he has this POV about himself and his own life, you'd think he would have the same outlook about the world, but as I read through the story I realized he doesn't have that same attitude about life. In fact, he convinces himself (after dying), that life offers more opportunities he never took advantage of and how he would do things differently if he had the chance. Great job showing his POV and attitudes.

Dialogue & Descriptions *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

Your use of dialogue is excellent. I never once thought your characters sounded alike. Not at all. They are all unique individuals with a distinct "sound" to their body and verbal language. Kyle, with his blinking eyes, shuffling feet, and eyes looking down instead of at Stella's, compared to Derek, where he is confrontational, loud, and obnoxious. And of course, Stella, being kind, fun, and compassionate, as well as self-confident. And each of your characters have a particular style of language and thought also, with their own verbiage.

I must say, you truly have a exceptional gift at writing description/narration in a way that does *not* bore or tell too much, and it gives this story a wonderful flavor. I can see, hear, feel, and almost touch everything and everyone. From your description, I could feel it when Derek hit Kyle in the nose, and I could almost feel the blood, as if I was Kyle, touching my own nose. Just about every scene in this chapter came to life, and flew off the screen at me to experience.

Tone/Mood/Flow & Pacing *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

The tone and the mood of the story seem to be similar in effect. They both are on the dark side, and they both are somewhat depressing from Kyle's POV. This dark, depressing, "I'm nothing special, I don't have much to offer" attitude permeates Kyle's attitude in almost everything he does.

There are some places in the story where the flow and pacing is a bit slower, although the story isn't "slow," just slower. And there are parts of the story that flows and the pacing is perfect. But for the most part, they work well throughout the story. Each paragraph moved easily into the next, and never gave me the feeling of being choppy. It never felt as if they were randomly put together. Each paragraph had a purpose and an idea holding it together, which is exactly what a paragraph should have. Again, excellent work.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar *StarY**StarY**StarY**StarY*

There were several things that caught my eye as I read along. Nothing that can't easily be changed, edited or reworded, if you choose to do so, but they did slow the reading down a little for me. This is the only area I saw many things that made the readability of the story a little more cumbersome. Some of the things that I noticed are:

- Unnecessary words or "telling" phrases (Examples: "started walking," rather than just using walking or walked. "Found myself shivering," instead of just using shivered. There are many words and phrases that can be deleted or reworded. A couple examples are: "begun shaking, be facing" and "beginning to feel, was so frightened," as well as many others.

- A lot of adverbs. While most editors understand people use adverbs in dialogue and in their narrative, it's still considered taboo to overuse them. It's always best to reword a sentence to use fewer adverbs. There are many of them in your story. I love using them, but I always run my writing through grammar checks to find them and I remove most, and opt to rephrase to do it.

- Passive verbs. I did find that you used many passive verbs. These absolutely need to be made active. This is something all editors will notice. Believe me, I know. I have seen the "red pencil" more than once on my writing. It's funny how it's easy to see these things in other people's writing, but we miss it in our own! *Wink* But passive writing is a real no-no in publishing. I don't know if you're planning to publish your novel, but if so, it will require a grammar and punctuation edit. That's the only reason I rated your story 4.5 instead of a 5. This is a five star story, grammar withstanding.

*Pencil* Closing Comments *StarY*

I honestly didn't think I would enjoy reading this story when I first read the title and description, because stories with the nephilim and demons don't normally appeal to me. I usually tend to find them just more of the same ole thing. BUT your story was so well written, the descriptions so realistic, and the emotions displayed by the characters so natural and heartfelt, that I found myself wrapped up in the tale much more than I thought I would be. Very, very good work!!


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10
10
Review of The Final Leap  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Jellyfish, I've chose to review your story, The Final Leap.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Another excellent story, and I find myself thinking many of the same thoughts that I had when I reviewed the story about Bella. Another awesome animal adventure, and I knew you would have an exciting "tale" to tell. (Pardon the pun!) I enjoyed this story very much. I know a bit about the salmon's run to the ocean, and I must say, you've captured everything they must face while they attempt to make it, and you tell it beautifully, all through these two wonderful characters!

Angus and Brave are familiar, in the same way as any best friend would be. They are loyal, caring, and lovable characters that tug at the heartstrings. I could feel the temporary anguish as Angus thought perhaps his friend Brave didn't make it.

I would have to say that your narrative talent, along with very natural, yet zippy dialogue, are your strong points. The narrative style, and the descriptive writing makes your story! You layer your narratives over each other perfectly, so the story flows easily, and you put the core message in the middle, friendship, as you did in the story with Bella. Everything paces well together, and concludes with a heartwarming ending.

Plenty of conflict in this story as well. All the difficulties getting upstream and out to sea, is enough for any salmon, then you added the extra conflict of the two friends trying to stay together in the new world they would face.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I would eliminate the elipses at the end of the last sentence, "toward their new life..." I did notice several adverbs such as slightly, playfully, increasingly, etc., and a few passive verbs in the story such as "was calm, had vowed" etc. should be shown rather than told in the narrative.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Other than a few tweaks in the grammar, this story was perfect. I have enjoyed your work very much.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of My Creativity  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Fivesixer, I've decided to review your Twitter Post, My Creativity.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I thought I would review something a little more unusual and something I found amusing! Understanding that you probably wrote this as a joke, it definitely made me laugh!

But since this post is about being creative, and writing is all about creativity, I thought I would offer up a few thoughts I had. First of all, I thought I'd die laughing when I read this post! I can just imagine you swearing off at your toaster, or your razor! I think all of us have actually had days where we do this, although (I don't think everyone would admit it!) Of course, I've never seen cursing my blow dryer as a benchmark for how creative my writing was going to be! *Laugh* I do come up with some good ones that I yell at my truck when she can't get up a hill better! (And I mean, really colorful stuff!)

I suppose the most important question is, do they swear back?? *Laugh* I think we all have our quirky ways to get energized and creative, and that would definitely fall under Quirky 101! I wonder if that should be taught in writing courses? It is funny how creative people think. I mean, someone who doesn't write probably would never even consider saying something to an inanimate object, much less swearing at one, for real or not!

You should have posted the responses you received to this post! Something tells me those were probably just as colorful.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Nope, no suggestions, just laughter! You've got a interesting way of looking at things, that's for sure!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Very funny post! I'm always amazed at your creativity and style. Your take on life comes out in both curious and humorous ways quite often.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

12
12
Review of Beautiful Bella  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your story, Beautiful Bella.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

What a lovely, and precious story this is! I truly loved reading it. Anytime I can read a well-written story, where the main characters are animals, well, I'm hooked. I thought you outdid yourself with this children's story. It's everything a story for this age group would need to appeal to kids. And you wrote it in such a way, that a child can even associate their own personal situations at school with Bella's situation. Reader association is always a strong element to have to attract or keep a reader reading, and this story reaches on this level, even to me.

The plot is quite appropriate and entertaining. It's a common situation for kids--having to make new friends in a new home and school, and your story shows how difficult it can be as well as how misunderstandings can happen also. Excellent work with this theme. Bella was an easy character to like. In fact, she is warm, and kind, and I found myself sympathizing with her about her nervousness. You kept her in character once she reached the schoolyard also. She continued to feel insecure, and even sad.

Lots of tension on different levels in here. Anxiety at home about her first day of school in a new place gave way to the start of the tension. Her trip to school, as she avoided others, increased it, until it reached it's peak at the schoolyard when she begins to cry as the teacher speaks with her. The situation creates just the right amount of conflict, so the tension comes naturally from it.

The dialogue is wonderful, by the way! The teacher has a "mother goose-like" way about her, and Bella is Bella, lovely, sweet, and upset that she doesn't think she fits in, as she explains this to the teacher. I loved how the teacher calls the other children over and confronts the problem right away. A good message in your story, too. Take care of problems right away, and they won't grow any larger. Nice!

The flow and pace was perfect. I glided through your story, like I was riding down a peaceful river. Smooth and cohesive, nothing choppy, or out of place. I barely realized I was at the end. I wanted more. And *that's* a good thing!

And finally, your punctuation, spelling, and grammar was spot on. I saw nothing I need to mention, at least, nothing that caught my eye or attention. That is also a pleasure, not to mention increasing the readability, making the story easy to finish.

*NoteR* Suggestions

None. Plain and simple. I can't think of a thing I would add or change. It's the perfect story, to me. And I don't rate many stories this high, but this tale deserves it.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I had a smile on my face as I read this. A wonderful story for any age!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Cruise Ship  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Fivesixer. I've chose to review your prose piece, Cruise Ship.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

The title of this prose is the first thing that caught my eye. I've been on cruise ships, but not as a divorcee. I really liked this piece, but I did find it unusual that the speaker took the same ship they were married on to try and forget their life. I'd say that's going to be impossible, since the ship and the time they spent on it together will always be a reminder.

This first line is my favorite. I gave you my heart once and you returned it, wrapped up in our divorce papers. What a powerful statement! Very good imagery too. The images you use such as, the weight of the ash, make his demeanor and his outlook on life perfectly clear to the reader.

The tone of the prose, and the mood of the speaker seem to be in unison. Both of them evoke sadness, depression, but also possibly an ever so slight outlook of hope, as he looks to the future, not knowing what he will find.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Since I'm not a poet by nature, and I'm only learning about poetry and prose, I would offer no suggestions, other than saying the title leads me to think the speaker would associate more with the ship and the memories they had together, more so than the piece speaks about.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I seem to enjoy your poems and prose very much. I noticed you mentioned you once wanted to write like the poets we have to study in school. Well, I find your writing to be deep, intensive thoughts most of the time, with much insight about the world around us. I think you've achieved that level of poet on some level. Very compelling prose.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your poem, What The World Needs.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

What a beautiful poem. The title tells us exactly what the world needs without even saying it, and the image of the dove with the olive branch, was perfect to accent this. I think anyone who reads this poem will agree that the world could use as much love and understanding as possible. All your words, the imagery you evoked, and the ideas in this piece, all speak to a better world, and hope for more uptopian society.

In light of the issues in our world today, your poem speaks of the reason we don't have that kind of world yet. It speaks of wars, gunfire, hatred, and disrespect that so many in the world now have for one another. And those are the roots of evil that keep us from the world your poem speaks of, a world that is attainable, if we chose to have it.

I love rhyming poetry, especially when it is true, and easy rhyme. This Quatrain (4-stanza piece) is one of my favorites, and I especially like this rhyme scheme best of all. It isn't forced, or continuous rhyme, and it sounds lyrical on the ear. You have several examples of alliteration and consonance in your poem, which adds to the melodic sound and feel of the piece.

The mood seems to be more of frustration, while the tone of it evokes great concern and worry. It's a bit pessimistic, but ends on a hopeful note, but reminds us of our fate if we don't heed to love and tolerance.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I can offer no suggestions for improvement, as I think you did a beautiful job with this theme and form.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I enjoyed reading your poem, and find it to be something without flaw. A five-star rating is well-deserved.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Fivesixer. I've chose to review your prose piece, A Farmer In The Fifties.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This piece caught my attention as I looked through your port. I tend to find anything to do with "simplier times," or with "the good ole days," items that will beckon me to read them. While I didn't grow up in the fifties, (I grew up in the sixties), I tend to not only gravitate more to the fifties, but it seems that I can relate to them better. And I believe it's because of the simplicity of the times, compared to how complicated the world began feel after that.

I think your prose says this, and a lot more with few words! I found your farmer probably represented many people of that time who had the same thoughts--that despite world events and all the other things going on in the country, that they still had to eat, and take care of their own, first and foremost. That their lives were almost non-affected by the world around them.

Your piece describes how a simple life requires none of the luxuries or technologies of the modern world, because with those luxuries come the issues and problems of the world, which they have no time for, and that they are happy without it all.

I believe we've all felt that way from time to time, but unfortunately, the world is so integrated that staying isolated from it today is almost impossible.

So much has changed from the fifties. Great work making me think about that through the eyes of one farmer.

*NoteR* Suggestions

The only line that seemed worded a bit unusual, is this one, "my farm is all I know as home to me" perhaps a word change? my farm is the only home I know.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Again, I loved reading this because so many of the things you mentioned brought back my own memories of a different time in my life.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your story, A More Beautiful Life.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

The first thing I thought when I finished reading this was how much I enjoyed the story. I love stories where characters decide they need something different in their life, and the book explores those adventures. I would call this literary fiction. This is the type of story that could easily continue on into novel form and length.

The plot is a common one, discovering the world, or wanting to experience more of it. And while it is a plot people use quite often, it's popular because of the many directions a story like this can take, and because people can connect with a character who wants to break free of their life and try something they've never seen or done before. Excellent reader association throughout this piece. Good work.

All the elements of conflict are present in your story, as well as other important ones such as flow, which is very good, by the way. The paragraphs read easily and complete. Nothing sounded out of place, or choppy, and each paragraph flowed into the next with a connecting thought. Also, the tension built from the start of the story and right on through to the end, as I waited to learn if Sophie would leave. Tension was subtle, but quite appropriate.

Sophie is an interesting character, with her streak of independence, and very definite ideas about what she wants out of life. I very much liked how you showed me all the obstacles she faced through her family and her friends, but also showed me that she never saw them as such.

Your use of dialogue and narration felt very realistic. It had a natural feel to it. Again, great reader association. You very competently show Sophie's attitude about wanting to experience more life than just what she sees on holidays, and you gave me a very good idea about her rebellious nature. She sticks to her guns despite the people in her life who try to convince her to stay. My favorite line in the story was actually her mother's comment. "Your Father would have told you to find the most beautiful life.” I thought that knowing her father would say that is what made her decide to go.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I wouldn't change any of it. I found it satisfying the way it stands.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

This tale was a pleasant "coming of age" story with an uplifting ending, which I enjoyed very much. Your punctuation and grammar looked good and it was a breeze to read. Great work!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hello again, Fivesixer. I'm reviewing your article, "Blogging As Crafting."

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I found this article very thought provoking. While I've always thought of writing as a craft, I've never thought of it as cathartic, or as therapy. However, your article makes perfect sense in that, you need to treat whatever it is you do to relax, as a form of release. Personally, I've always looked at writing of any kind, as stress reducing. Once you find yourself buried deep within the words, you tend to lose yourself, and the problems you had before you began. While I'm not a mental health patient myself, I do have a hietal hernia, originally, and primarily caused by stress, I know how important it is to find that "happy place" that can reduce stress. It's really amazing to me that there are individuals who do not have a hobby or interest that helps them find that place. I would agree with you that if I can't write, I would suffer. Writing is my refuge. And while I have several other hobbies I enjoy, none give me the same release as writing. I don't know if we even need to worry about whether or not we are very good at it, because if it provides the theraputic need we have, that's the most important part of it. However, you don't need to concern yourself with this because you're an excellent blogger, with amazing insights, and a way with words. Plus, I just found you are actually very talented at fiction as well!

*NoteR* Suggestions

I have no suggestions, because this was a very engaging article written from both personal experience and research. About the only thing I could suggest would be, write more, and continue to enlighten people, as you do!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Well done!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of The Haunted Hotel  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your story, The Haunted Hotel.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I found your story to be a delightful and an enjoyable read! Of course, as you designed it, I thought I would be reading a ghost story, in the normal sense. You built the tension early on in the story with the Polish/Russian couple's conversation that Sarah overhears, and as the reader, I was led in the direction of the paranormal. This was good work, foreshadowing what ended up being something very different, but good work with this.

The plot is easy to follow, as Sarah hopes to enjoy her vacation in a luxury hotel, that she wonders about it's residents! When your character hears "the ghost" and walks the hallway to the room to explore the sounds, that's when I realized it would be "something else," and not a ghost. I'm not sure how I knew at that point, but I think it had something to do with the pacing of the story. It got to the ghost so fast, and suddenly, I remembered the cat from the lobby.

Your character was developed very well through her thoughts, actions, and especially her comments. I felt as though I knew Sarah. I could feel her anticipation and excitement about being on vacation and about being there at that hotel. You did a fine job with her character and making her feel like a real person to me, and she was.

The tension, the flow of your story, and the pacing all worked well, it's just that when Sarah said "The ghost," before going down the hall and learning what the sounds actually were, it sort of gave it away.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Perhaps take out that particular line about it being the ghost, and build more tension up as she slowly creeps down the hallway to the door. Make me jump when she sees the cat/kittens.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

The story is fun, and even a little spooky. I had a good time reading it!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Painted Rock  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Fivesixer. I've chose to review your story, Painted Rock.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Okay, so this is the first story you've written that I've read, and I must tell you that I believe you earned that awardicon that adorns this page. I was impressed with this story, and read it with baited breath. I love ghost stories and paranormal, or just plain ole' scary tales, and this story qualifies for all three! Good work.

Great plot. A ghost story with romance and an adventurous feeling, this had all the necessary elements to maintain my complete interest as I read it. I loved how the story begins with a lighter tone, as the two youngsters get to know each other, and we learn who they are through their actions and inner thoughts, before showing me the other side of their personalities, and how they reacted under pressure and even fear. You have an excellent grasp on characterization, and making your characters come to life, not only through the narration, and their actions, but through their inner thoughts and spoken dialogue.

Your use of descriptions, and descriptive writing in the narratives are very good. I saw every inch of the Wangtango Convention Hall, and even the outdoor environment. Beautifully painted images of Cuddleshmuck Park, and the surroundings. What a great name too--Cuddleshmuck Park! You've created very strong tension from the moment they went inside the building until the time they learned of Pear's brother's trick. But the best part, (of course), was the end when they found out the brother played a trick on them, only to learn there was something to the ghost tales, evidenced by the letter on the rock. Great twist!

*NoteR* Suggestions

As with all of us, there are things that can make the stronger, tighter, have better readability, and be grammatically correct. There are many passive verbs in the story, such as words like, were aroused, was tired, were interrupted, etc. Making the sentence active will make this top notch, for sure! You used a few adverbs as well. Although adverbs are debated as to their use, most editors find the fewer the better as the rule, or none to appeal to all publishers, (in case you decide to try and place your story). But a good, quality grammar program can help with this.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed reading this story. It had all the elements necessary for a story of this type, but even more it had the flavor and tone that a creepy, or eerie story must have to maintain the tension and tone till the end. Very good work. You should write more stories.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi CelticSeaWolf. I've chose to review your story, Knowing One's Place.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

An unusual story to say the least. How many times have we all either been in a position where we needed to "know our place," or where we were "in the right place, at the right time!" You created good reader association with this premise!

I found your tale a bit complicated, despite being a nice, quick read. Without knowing what regulation went afoul on Lt. Reed, I couldn't really feel for the character. You want to elicit an emotional response from your reader, but since I don't know what Reed did to be in front of the Captain again, the situation didn't raise as much tension as it could have, had I known. Don't get me wrong, I like the story, and found it curious. Those are excellent qualities to have in a story, and this tale peaked my interest, which kept me reading, but too little information can work the same way as information overload.

You did give us a little peak into Reed's character, as far as his philosophy and what he thinks about work and life situations. I learned he tends to let things spill out, as evidenced by his nervous laughter, a mannerism which undoubtedly would have gotten him in more trouble, had the Captain not crashed to the floor, and that he believes in taking advantage of every opportunity. You showed this through his thoughts and his actions.

Tension was there, but it could easily be ramped up by explaining the charge he was brought up on, or adding another conflict to his day to make the ending more satisfying. You paced the story nicely, and it flow quite well.

I wondered about one other thing. Is the Captain just injured, or is he dead?

*NoteR* Suggestions

A few missing punctuation marks, and a few unnecessary words, will make the readability even stronger. A quick grammar check can catch these easy enough.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

A good story, with lots of potential!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Heat Rises  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Stephanie. I've chose to review your story, Heat Rises.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

After reading your story, and looking at the ratings, I've got to tell you, I feel this is an excellent piece, for the emotion alone. There are things that need to be edited, yes, abut I felt such grief from your words, and from the pacing of the story, not to mention, the feelings the character revealed as she went through the day of the funeral, I think this deserves a higher rating.

The plot was apparent. Getting through the most difficult day of her life, her husband's funeral. And your character was so convincing, I actually shed a tear of my own as I read this. As I said, the tension and pacing really made the piece take your breath away. The flow was a bit choppy, but to be honest, I believe it helped express her feelings in the same way she felt. So, good work.

The narrative was excellent, and the associations she made between the things she was looking at out the window at and her life now, was very moving. In my opinion, the last lines where she talks about not saying goodbye to him when he went out the door, or anything, reminded me to say something to my hubby when he goes out to get me ice cream when we are home…and he does. And the last line of the story added the final punch to the line. It was a wonderful.

*NoteR* Suggestions

The grammar needs some tweaking, however. There were several unnecessary words that could make your story stronger by just deleting them, and there are several adverbs that could be changed for a stronger word. A good grammar check program can help with this. I use Pro Writing Aid, and it does a great job, when I use it!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Again, great work with this story, as far as eliciting emotion. I enjoyed reading this very much.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Miguel's Duty  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, Miguel's Duty.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I loved this story! All the elements that make a story resonate are in this. Your plot is easily followed, a SS Agent has to protect the President, (even though he's a jerk and he can't stand the man personally), because of his Constitutional oath, Miguel is a strong and powerful character, easily able to carry the story pretty much by himself. He is so drawn out for me to see throughout the story, I feel as though I've known him for a long time. He feels like a friend. Miguel has courage, principles, and is loyal, despite his personal beliefs and feelings about the man. And I loved the title you chose, because it really describes the theme of the story, and all in two words. Excellent! Talk about breviety! The dialogue felt so real, that it almost felt like a historical account. It seems to me that using Miguel's POV was the only way to tell this to get such intimacy with regard to his feelings and thoughts about his job, the President, and his family. You wove it all together beautifully!

You built the tension up all through the gun fighting and attacks, especially once you refocused on Miguel's thoughts as hewas lying on the ground thinking about mustering the last of his energy. You paced this story in exactly the right speed through each scene. The story paragraphs flowed in the same perfection as the pacing.

*NoteR* Suggestions

This particular story seems to have more grammatical editing needed. I found several passive verbs: was shocked, be surprised, were broken, been thoroughly, and at least sixteen issues that can cause the readability of a story to decline, such as phrases like:
- got into boring
- was relevant
- of the assailants
- It appeared that they
- be thanking (1)
- managed to cripple


Most of these can be reduced to one word such as the example "managed to cripple," to just crippled, and, "of the infiltrators," to just infiltrators, etc. Unnecessary words that slow down the reading can just be eliminated, plus it helps keep the word count down too. I've been working on doing this in my stories more and more. I even use a two programs that catch most of the things I tend to miss in my own writing.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

However, with all that being said, it didn't in any way keep me from the enjoyment of this story. I honestly loved every word of it!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, When Bobby Met Ken.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This story was probably the most unusual vampire story I've read so far. Not the most frightening, mind you, but definitely unusual. I've not come upon a sarcastic vampire before, but then, I don't read many stories in this genre. I found your story absorbing. It caught my interest, and I continued to read on to the last word. I admit, The title didn't excite, but it told the tale, and the description clinched it in my mind. It was easy to tell this was a vampire story, since it's marked as folklore. It was the folklore genre that intially peaked my curiosity.

The story was well-written and strangely captivating. Something in his mannerisms made me think that Ken didn't seem to be gay, yet, he was acting gay. Of course, at that point, I didn't know for certain what Ken was, but I had my suspicions. This was a good plot, because I never saw the ending of the story coming! Talk about a twist! I can almost imagine how angry Bobby must have been when he learned the truth! Bobby and Ken are totally and completely different types of people. I see Ken as this savvy, flashy sort, while Bobby seems to be more earthy, and simple. They have clear differences in their appearance and verbiage, making them real in my mind.

Your stories always flow well, as does this one, and it has a fast pace to it as well. I'd say the highest point of tension would have to be when Bobby wakes up in the dirt. Either that or when Bobby learns Ken isn't gay. They are both high tension points in my opinion.

Once more, I would just mention the few things I noticed in the grammar department. A few passive verbs, as "was buried," a few readability issues such as, found himself, and did need, and several adverbs such as longingly, strangely, gallantly, etc., which are always a bit on the pesky side with editors.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Just a few tweeks in grammar is really the only thing I noticed. All other writing elements are spot on.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I don't often read vampire stories, but upon occasion I find one or two I enjoy. I got a good surprise out of this one, that's for sure!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, Termination of Employment.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

My first impression was how unique it was, combining folklore and sci-fi! I thought this was extremely entertaining. You kept the flavor and feeling of Christmas, and added those Terminator sci-fi moments to the story! The amazing part? That it worked really well! I loved this story, and found myself laughing and commenting on it as I read it, much like I did with an earlier story of yours I reviewed. You definitely have a good grasp on the world in which we live, as evidenced by so many excellent situations you put into the story such as, forced retirement, no pension for Father Christmas, not allowing him to sell his Grotto because the state took it over as a historical site. (Hm...sounds like our Agenda 21, no property rights plan!) Very funny, but yet, quite realistic, shown in parody form. I thought this story was your most carefully crafted one, regarding subject matter, humor, satire, and entertainment. You have a knack for this type of strategy in your writing.

The plot was, actually rather complicated, with many things happening due to Father Christmas being retired. But let's face it, bringing a terminator into the mix to eliminate him when he disagreed with the State, was perfect! I have to say, this is a most original story! The characters were very well designed, and yet, there was plenty of reader association attached to each of them, to make the story seem almost, normal! Dialogue seems to be one of your strong points, and this story was no exception. I loved how you show the ridiculousness of being politically correct. This phrase became one of my favorites in the story. "Citizen Holidays!"

Lots of tension in this. Great pacing and flow. There were several grammatical items I noticed that could be made to strengthen the story, and make it spot on in every detail, but despite these items, everything worked smoothly, and succienctly. I loved the ending to this, but one of my favorite parts was Rudolph's role getting rid of Citizen Holidays!

*NoteR* Suggestions

Again, the only suggestions I can offer you is that there were several passive verbs and readability issues in the story. And as usual, nothing that couldn't be picked up with a quality grammar check program. I always end up missing things in my writing, sometimes even with the checker!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I rated this a five-star story, because I think you did an amazing job at entertaining, while poking fun at, or perhaps, while making the unaware aware of the world we live in today. I laughed all the way through it, but I kept saying to myself, Uh huh, he knows what's going on!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

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Hi Bob. "I'm back," and I've chose to review your story, The Presidential Press Briefing.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Another great story! Yes, I just love a good tin foil hat tale! The story was really fun to read. All the way through it I wondered how Chris would treated, and how he would be proven correct, or if he would be. I figured aliens would show up, as it was obvious by the President's reactions that she either was a part of the alien takeover, or she knew about it, and was hiding it. Although it was a little predictable, it didn't ruin the ending or my enjoyment of it in the least. It definitely did not disappoint. Nice work.

Great plot! It has lots of tension, and the way you wrote it made it difficult to know what direction the story was going to take next. That's a big plus in any story. It kept my curiosity peaked. The tension ramped up as each sighting was reported and the President ignored it. Talk about waiting for a size 12 wide shoe to drop! After the sighting over London, I figured the end was about to arrive, literally! You never fail to entertain with these flash fiction pieces, and this story was no exception.

You made this story fly off the page between the pace of the story, and the flow. I loved how you used TV and news journalists we're familiar with in the story to give it a realistic feel. And how damn funny was that, having Chris wearing his tin foil hat to the briefing! I thought I'd die laughing. Chris is a familiar character, because we've seen this person in the real world many times, making reader association happen without much persuasion. The dialogue was brilliant and natural. It did not sound like a “story.” It felt like a real incident, the way you wrote it. That's not an easy thing to do either!

*NoteR* Suggestions

Again, I really don't have much to suggest in the way of punctuation, grammar, or spelling. You do a good job of checking your list, and checking it twice. Oops, wrong story! *Laugh* Seriously, you do a good job checking your stories for those things, and you catch most issues before we see it, so again, good job.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

All the story elements necessary for a intriguing experience was in this piece. And what an ending! Wasn't what I expected, as far as the gun fight is concerned. And the part where the President speaks with Chris in the last paragraph, well, I admit, I saw that coming! I figured it out when the last denial about aliens came out of her mouth. And yes, I had my tin foil hat on while reading this, too! *Laugh*

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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