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371 Public Reviews Given
406 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am honest and respectful, and try to be as diplomatic as possible when I review a piece of writing. I use a template to cover most writing elements, as well as giving you my personal thoughts and feelings about it. I rate fair and equal to the review I give, but I only give a rating of 5 if the piece is perfect, in my opinion.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, adventure, paranormal, historical, disaster/survival, political, detective, young adult, animal, folklore, comedy, inspirational, nature, romance, and fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, psychological, gangster, western, steampunk
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, blogs, chapters of novels, and essays.
Least Favorite Item Types
Articles, non-fiction
I will not review...
Technological, erotica, gay/lesbian, whole novels or novellas all at one time.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hi John. I am reviewing your story, "Wrong Place, Wrong Time," as you requested.


My Initial Reaction Was: That this was a good story with an interesting concept. The supernatural abilities and the opportunity for character development make this story idea unique and compelling.

*Writer* While the story idea is a good one, and it kept my interest, it could be even more engaging by offering more challenges that force the characters to confront their abilities and their personal lives at the same time.

*Writer* You showed that the characters had relatable struggles and diverse backgrounds, which made them engaging and dynamic, and your characters grew, which contributed to their appeal. Good job with this. However, you might want to ensure that each of your characters have a more distinct voice. Adding more depth to their relationships and interactions could help flesh out their personalities as well.

*Writer* I liked that the setting was an ordinary environment where extraordinary events unfolded. This added tension and intrigue. Nice work here. One of your strengths was the contrast between the mundane setting and the supernatural elements. It enhanced the story's mood and theme. Adding a few more vivid descriptions and details to make the setting more integrated into the plot would help me, as a reader, see the environment more clearly.

*Writer* You have several conflicts in this story, and they are easily defined, but be sure that your conflicts are not overly predictable or resolved too easily. Add layers or more complexities to each one to maintain your reader's interest.

*Writer* This story doesn't feel like a short story, more like a part of a chapter or part of a longer story. The resolution was not present at the end of this, since we still don't know what the creatures are, where they came from, and/or if they were a part of the situation that happened in Novaport City or not.

I enjoyed reading this. It has a lot of possibilities and could become a very cool and exciting story with more development.

Keep On Writing!

Owl reading a book



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2
2
Review of My Little Voice  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello Wanda,

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

Your poem is a moving piece that delves into themes of innocence, trauma, and recovery. It uses a narrative style to convey the journey from pain to healing, with a strong emphasis on the resilience of the human spirit.

Imagery and Metaphor: The poem begins with vivid imagery of a child hiding, symbolizing innocence and vulnerability. You have powerful metaphors for harm and fear. And your verbiage reflects the chaos and pressures of adulthood that can drown out simplicity of a child’s perspective.

Tone and Emotion: The tone shifts from one of despair to hope as the poem progresses. Initially, there’s a sense of overwhelming pain and, which is a testament to the complexity of emotional trauma. However, the poem ends on a hopeful note, suggesting they reclaimed their voice and self.

Structure and Rhythm: The poem follows a consistent rhyming scheme, which provides rhythm and flow. This structure helps to show the progression from darkness to light.

Themes and Messages: Central themes include the loss of innocence, the impact of abuse, and the journey towards healing. The poem speaks to the inner strength required to overcome personal demons and the importance of acknowledging and healing from past traumas.

Language and Expression: The language is both simple and profound. Phrases like “overflowed and left us to explode” and “hidden treasure relinquished” are emotionally charged and convey the depth of the experiences being described.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*

The poem is a heartfelt expression of the struggle and triumph over personal adversity. It’s a reminder that while the past can’t be changed, there is strength to be found in facing it and moving forward. I enjoyed reading this.

Keep Writing!

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3
3
Review of My Friend  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)



Hello,


My Initial Reaction To This Short Piece is: That I felt a deep sense of sadness all through me after reading it. This description of the woman's hard life is haunting and leaves me with a heavy heart. The way you describe her struggles are conveyed through carefully chosen words that make me empathize with her pain and hardship.

The imagery you paint is raw and emotional. It’s my assumption that it will leave most readers feeling somber and reflective. This portrayal of the woman's inner turmoil leaves a lasting impression on you as you read it. And it evokes a sense of melancholy as I think about her experiences, some of which I'm sure many of us have shared at different times in our lives.

This short piece is haunting, sad, and tugs on your heartstrings. Bravo for saying so much with so few words.


Owl reading a book



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4
4
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello Tim, I found your poem while searching for something unique to read, and I stumbled on to this very interesting piece of writing.

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

Your poem weaves a lot of intricate themes and is also rich with imagery and metaphor. These themes make for a compelling read. I enjoyed this very complex piece, but I admit, I had to read it several times before I was able to make my interpretations, which may be very different from another reader. I felt I should do a more detailed review on it because of that possibility.

Imagery and Metaphor: The imagery of fishermen casting their nets for divine specimens resonates deeply. It quickly transitions into a metaphor for divine intervention and guidance, “Most silvery, divine specimens." The “delectable aircraft” seems to symbolize human innovation or perhaps spiritual ascension. Perhaps you are even suggesting a non-conforming approach? Interesting, if that is the case.

Themes and Tone: The poem touches on themes of spirituality, conflict, and societal issues. The tone shifts from peaceful to confrontational, reflecting a journey from tranquility to turmoil. The mention of “Love for God” and the “forgiving judge” introduces a religious element, while “a unique partner” ready for battle seems to suggest a readiness to face challenges.

Structure and Flow: The poem’s structure is freeform, which allows for a fluid transition between ideas. However, this can also make the narrative thread harder to follow. “Of marchers toward the most copious doom…” creates a sense of urgency and movement.

Language and Diction: The language is complex, with a mix of archaic, “ruffled and riled” and modern terms “blitzkrieg”. This all adds depth but may also obscure meaning for some readers. The poem employs some jargon, “socialist / And Marxist views”, which grounds it in the real-world, but also risks losing some readers who may be unfamiliar with these terms.

Cohesion and Clarity: While the poem is evocative, its message could be a bit clearer. The shift from pastoral scenes to complex ideas such as, “Encumbered by socialist / And Marxist views”, is a little abrupt. The poem could benefit from smoother transitions to maintain cohesion throughout.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*

The poem is ambitious and thought-provoking, with a strong voice and vivid descriptions. It challenged me to consider various interpretations, which I've learned is a trait of engaging poetry. To enhance its impact, consider tightening the transitions between these themes and clarify your central message to ensure it resonates with your intended audience.

One thing I've learned is that poetry is subjective, and each reader may have a different interpretation. These insights are meant to give you an idea of what your reader is thinking, while preserving your unique voice and vision. I was impressed with this poem. So, keep writing and exploring the depths of your creativity!


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5
5
Review of Eternity  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi Intuey,

My Initial Reaction Was: That I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem! It's beautifully evocative and paints a vivid picture of a realm beyond time, where eternity and grace intertwine. It's filled with beautiful imagery and a sense of wonder.

*Writer* The opening lines set the stage for a mystical journey. The concept of a realm beyond time, where eternity awaits, immediately captured my attention. The idea of leaving behind fears and tears suggests a longing for solace and peace.

*Writer* You also introduce divine imagery. The “loving light” evokes warmth and safety, dispelling darkness. The cosmic expanse hints at vastness and the eternal dance of souls is an enchanting notion.

*Writer* The desire for immortality and cosmic exploration shines through. The playful tone in your last two lines adds charm. This poem evokes a sense of awe. Your reader becomes a witness to the ebb and flow of life to the golden streets—an enticing vision of paradise. Your imagery here is vivid and captivating.

*Writer* The final stanza celebrates spiritual connection. The metaphor of being God’s daughters and swimming in living waters, suggests intimacy and freedom. It’s a powerful conclusion.

Your closing lines beautifully tie everything together and they add a poignant touch. I think it's perfect, as it weaves a magical tapestry of hope, wonder, and spiritual longing. Well done!


Owl reading a book



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6
6
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)



Hi Beholden, I was searching for something "different" to read and I came across this story you wrote back in 2023.


My Initial Reaction Was: From your title and description, this story sounded like something I would choose at a bookstore (or a library!), and I wasn't disappointed. This certainly deserved placing first in the Short Shots contest. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

*Writer* First, I loved the names of your characters. They suit the story well and gave that futuristic feeling of a very different society than the one Aurelius' grandfather lived through. Your use of description and narrative are well done.

*Writer* I particularly liked the description of the library itself. The way you described the vastness and depth of knowledge contained within it was beautifully written and really captured the wonder and awe that Aurelius must have felt upon discovering it. The imagery of the light streaming through the dusty windows and the walls lined with books was very evocative and really brought the scene to life. Great job! I felt as though I was walking alongside Aurelius.

*Writer* I loved Aurelius' realization that his discovery of The Library would not change the fate of humanity and that he would bear the responsibility for it. I didn't see that coming until literally the last two or three sentences, so that was well written. You didn't give away his realization until the end. It added depth to his character and raises interesting questions about the consequences of seeking knowledge and power, which is a favorite topic of mine.

Suggestions:

*Writer* I only have one suggestion to make this a perfect story in my opinion. The City and the village of Institute are intriguing settings, but they could be further developed. What is the history of the City? What is life like in Institute? What kind of society exists there? These details would add even more depth to the story and make it more vivid. You do touch on these questions, but not quite enough to see it clearly in my mind.

Overall, I loved this story! It's very good! Congrats for placing 1st with it back then.

Owl reading a book



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7
7
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)



Hi L.A, I'm Dee with the WDC Super Power Reviewers. I found your story on the Plug Page and thought I'd give it a read.


My Initial Reaction Was: That this story was very funny and relatable, as many people can connect with the experience of making mistakes and learning from them. But this story stands out from other stories in the genre because of its lighthearted and humorous take on the magical world. I found myself laughing.

*Writer* Dilby is a relatable character due to his imperfections and self-doubt, so we empathize with his struggles and root for his success. I know I did!

*Writer* You did a fine job with the setting in this flash fiction piece. It really enhances the story's mood by creating a whimsical atmosphere that contrasts with Dilby's internal struggles. Nice job!

*Writer* In this piece, there are several short bursts of action, (the explosion), followed by moments of reflection, (Dilby contemplating failure), creating an engaging balance between action-packed scenes and character-driven moments. It maintains reader interest throughout.

*Writer* You provided a good balance and pacing, keeping your readers engaged without overwhelming them with too much action or internal thought in this short story. Really good work!

Suggestions:

The only suggestion I could give is perhaps to explore the reasons behind Dilby's lack of confidence and skill in magic a bit more. Otherwise, it was a very enjoyable and funny story!

Write On!

Owl reading a book



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of The Chat  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



Hello, I'm Dee with the WDC Super Power Reviewers. I saw your story on The Hub and decided to give it a read.

My Initial Reaction Was: This was a fun piece to read. The theme about the complexities of family dynamics and the bonds that can form between siblings will be relatable to your readers.

*Writer* I enjoyed the interaction between the siblings and how the sister teases her brother about a secret from Halloween. It shows a playful and mischievous dynamic between them, but also hints at a deeper bond. The bond between the father and daughter also shows a strong connection and trust between them. I also liked how the daughter took on a protective role towards her younger brother. It adds depth to their relationship and makes me as a reader care about them as characters. So, good work showing the theme, rather than simply telling us about it.

*Writer* Your use of sensory details, such as the uncomfortable car and the promise of ice cream, added realism to the scene.

Suggestions:

*Writer* The setting of the story is important for establishing atmosphere and creating a sense of place. At the start of the story, we are told that the family is on a road trip, but there is no description of the surroundings or the length of the trip. Of course, since this was a contest entry, I'm sure you were limited in word count, which made the ending feel a bit rushed.

*Writer* The dialogue could be just a bit more natural and realistic. The line "This is going to be a secret between you and me" feels somewhat forced and unnatural. This might benefit from a gesture rather than a statement, or perhaps a gesture with the dialogue to make it seemed more natural.

*Writer* There were a couple of spelling/grammar errors, but those are easily caught with a grammar check.

Overall, the writing is engaging and pulls the reader in with its relatable family dynamics and hints of a larger plot.

Owl reading a book



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9
9
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)



Hi Troyizen, I'm Dee with the WDC Super Power Reviewers. I found your story while looking through a few portfolios.


My Initial Reaction Was: I liked this story. It is a bit of a short chapter; however, it did keep my attention all the way through. It has an unusual title, and that's always something that catches my eye and my interest. *ThumbsUp*


*Writer* My favorite part was the description of Agent Kyle and her job. The way she is called away from a "rather drab assignment" to deal with the bigger issue of fake alien sightings and the frustration she feels with people trying to win reward money by fabricating evidence, sets up a strong conflict and gives us a sense of who Agent Kyle is as a character. It's also an interesting concept that immediately draws the reader into this world of space travel and extraterrestrial investigations.


*Writer* I also liked the sense of humor and wit you put into the writing. It's clear that you have a strong voice and are able to inject personality into the characters and the narration. For the most part, the dialogue flows naturally and the interactions between your characters are believable. It also sets up an interesting premise for the story, with the mention of modernization and space travel on Moore's Island. Overall, the passage has a good balance of description, dialogue, and characterization. Good work!


*Writer* While I do like the set-up for this story, there are a few things I would like to comment on. I think the setting needs more description. The passage mentions "Moore's Island" but there is little context or detail given about this location. I would love to see more specific details or descriptions that could help me picture this place in my mind. I would also like to see more personality traits or quirks that make Agent Kyle stand out even further, as a character, especially when she deals with her colleagues. Giving her even more depth will make her more interesting to the reader. A stronger sense of purpose is also something that will also add depth to the character.


*Writer* Additionally, the story mentions a reward for proof of alien species, but this doesn't seem to fit with the setting on the moon. It would be helpful for the reader to have a better understanding of the overall world and how this all fits together. Your description says the aliens come to Earth. Do they come from the moon? And does this happen in a later chapter?


You did have a few grammar issues, such as several places with passive writing, and missing commas, but a grammar checker can assist with that.

The items I mentioned are just things to consider. Ultimately, you'll need to decide what works best for your story, but I find it really helpful when someone reads my stories and gives me a suggestion or two about something I hadn't thought of or considered, or even noticed. I hope you'll continue to work on this novel because it has a ton of potential! I'd be interested in reading more chapters. So, Keep Writing!

Owl reading a book



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Gervic. I'm Dee. I found your story in the Please Review area, while searching for a story to read.


My Initial Reaction After Reading This Was: It's a captivating read. While this dark story isn't one I normally tend to read or review, it was very interesting, and kept my interest all the way through to the end.

Title/Description Line:

The title is powerful, for certain. It gives connotations of a definitive battle of some type, although I realized it had to be an internal battle, from the addendum of "Tale of Redemption" added to the end of the title.

My Thoughts:

This theme of redemption and finding hope in the darkness of one's life, is a difficult one to portray to a reader, but you did an excellent job with the verbiage and descriptions to accomplish this. The idea that Demus realizes that he doesn't have to be defined by his past and that he has the power to change his own story is a theme that I think many readers can relate to and find hope in. While it reads dark and life-changing, it does leave you with the idea that it is possible to change your path in life, despite the difficulties. Nice work!

What I Liked Best:

I liked that Demus started to change his ways by showing acts of kindness in small doses, because a person like him wouldn't be able to change quickly, from the way you portrayed his character. And it really added credibility to that when he was almost tempted to return to his dark ways. Excellent writing to stay "in character," even with a change happening to him.

What I Liked Least:

While I am not a big fan of this type of dark, gritty story, I try to read with only the writing skill and concepts in mind when reviewing, so in that sense, there isn't anything I didn't "like" about the story itself.

Final Thoughts:

I do have one suggestion, that would make a reader, like myself, appreciate this story even more, would be to elaborate just a bit about this:

A chance encounter with a stranger, a selfless act of kindness in a world devoid of it.

Knowing what actually occurred would have made much more sense to me, as to what the catalyst was to make Demus want to change.

This is a very well-written story. Good job!

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11
11
Review of The Meaning  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello Beholden, I'm Dee with the WDC Super Power Reviewers. I found your story on the Newsfeed, in the "Friendship Friday Plug", while searching for something to read and review.


My Initial Reaction Was: Great story! It is well-written, mysterious, and kept me engaged to read to the end. At first, I thought this might be in the horror genre, but then it seemed to become more of a psychological thriller of some type. This genre can often be difficult to comprehend, but the narrative was well conceived and you did a very good job while in Henry's head.

*Writer* The theme about facing and overcoming one's fears is a popular one, and it can lead to almost any realization and resolution. From what I interpreted, I believe the dream itself may represent some deep-seated fear or trauma that Henry has avoided facing. I like that you explored the different possibilities for the dream, but you didn't set on one particular reason, either leaving it to the reader to figure out, or due to the fact that it was a contest entry, you were limited on word count to be able to continue it further.

*Writer* By Henry going deeper into the underground caverns, it showed bravery and a desire for closure. His persistence added a sense of urgency to the story. The presence of the fire also added an excellent element of danger, suggesting that facing our fears can be risky, but necessary.

*Writer* The part that really resonated with me the most was the description of the dream itself and the setting of the underground cavern. It creates a strong sense of mystery and intrigue, which is perfect for a dream sequence. I liked the determination shown by Henry to confront the dream and its meanings. Overall, these passages where he attempts to decipher them sets up a compelling story and leaves the reader wanting to know more.

*Writer* With all that said, there are a few things that I wondered about as I read through this that could really add dimension, if you choose to make this a longer story.

1. Are there any distinguishing features or objects in the tunnels? This will help to create a stronger sense of tension and build-up as Henry makes his way towards the chamber.

2. What drives him to confront the dream and explore the tunnels? Is he just seeking closure or actual answers?

3. How does this dream affect Henry's life? And are the religious aspects simply metaphors, or part of a real traumatic memory?

One suggestion I offer, if you expand this story, is to add specific details to make the dream even more cryptic. This will help the reader understand Henry's obsession with it and make it more impactful.

The only reason for my half a star off was not knowing what the dream was actually about. I do understand this was word count limited for a contest, but this is a great start to what could be a fantastic story! I hope you continue it.

Write On!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hi Than, I'm Dee with the WDC Super Power Reviewers.

I found your story on the "Plug Page," and decided to give it a read. I'm not a big gamer by nature, but I enjoy gaming from time to time, so I thought it might be an interesting story. And I wasn't wrong. Overall, I think you have a good story here.

*Writer* My favorite part was the twist with the Wand Lord actually being the main character's mother. It was a clever and an unexpected turn in the story that added depth and emotion to the scene. I did not see it coming. So, bravo to you for the surprise consequence! I also loved the use of magical elements and their consequences, as well as how you explored the theme of being careful about what we wish for. It may be a well-used theme, but it always ends up giving the reader what they want--surprise endings.

*Writer* I appreciated the use of a video game as a metaphor for the challenges and consequences of our actions. It's a clever and unique concept, as well as the use of the glow worm as a guide and the realization that it was actually the wand itself. More added elements of magic and mystery that makes this story interesting and unique. Most of your passages have a good sense of pacing and tension, and the writing, for the most part, is clear and effective in conveying the story.

*Writer* Now, all that being said, there are several points I'd like to make that might help make this a five-star story, if you decide these suggestions are useful to you:

First, the initial paragraph includes a lot of telling rather than showing. Instead of saying "he used it to conjure up the video game he had always wanted," show the boy in action, maybe describing the game he creates or his excitement as he plays it. This will help the reader connect more with the character and the magic of the wand.

Second, when it comes to the wand itself, being such an important item in the story, there is room for explanation of the consequences and limitations of using the magic. How did Chuck find the wand? What are the rules of using it? And how does it affect the world and the characters? You commented on the use of it, but not the details about the consequences, other than the finality of his mother's death.

Third, I believe there is room for more development of Chuck as a character, too. We see him struggle with defeating the Wand Lord, but we don't get a sense of his personality at all, or even his motivations, other than wanting to win at video games. Is this his driving factor to use the wand and make the wish in the first place? How does he feel about his actions and their consequences? And about his mother's death? These are questions that if answered, could give the story much more of an emotional response from the reader. I was surprised about his mother, but I didn't really feel any strong emotions from Chuck. For instance:

Fourth, in your line you wrote: "Could he make another wish with it, to revive his mother? He didn’t risk it as he felt it would only make things worse."
You would think Chuck would try anything to bring his mother back to life. How could it make things worse? This statement felt a bit "off and unfeeling."

*Writer* Although Chuck realizes the true impact of his actions and the weight of his consequences make him change to no longer being interested in video games, I still didn't feel complete closure at the end of the story. It seemed to have an abrupt ending:

"He called his dad, then the police, and they came to take over the horrible situation. Chuck knew he could never play another video game ever again."

What happened to Chuck when the police arrived? What did he tell his dad? These questions left me wanting to know the answers.

You have a really good tale here, and with a little more writing and editing, I think this could be an excellent piece.

Keep writing!


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13
13
Review of The Cutting Edge  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi StephBee! I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Super Power Reviewers. I found your story while searching the Please Review page. Since I love ice skating, I assumed I would enjoy reading this story, and I did. Great story!

Title/Description Line:

Your title caught my eye. I knew what it was about immediately. However, since this is also the title of an ice-skating movie, it could be more original. Your description of who is the best ice skater, also made me curious. But as I finished reading the story, we never really learned who that was, because it didn't seem to be as much about a competition between Alyssa and Yuri, but more about respect of each other's talent and culture, and a budding romance.

My Thoughts:

Overall, I liked the story. My favorite part was the moment of connection between Alyssa and Yuri, despite their differences and the pressure of the competition. It shows the power of sport and the human spirit to bring people together. The writing also effectively conveys the tension and anticipation leading up to Yuri's performance, creating a sense of excitement for the reader.

What I Liked Best:

I thought the use of cultural references, such as the sign of the Russian Orthodox cross and the Russian word "Udachi," added a lot of depth and authenticity to the characters and their relationship. It was a well-written passage, and very engaging. And even with the language barrier and cultural differences, they are able to find a connection through their shared love for skating. Your inclusion of their coaches' doubts added tension and conflict to the scenes, making it interesting to read. Nice work!

What I Liked Least:

There wasn't anything I disliked. The story is fun, interesting, and exciting, but it did leave me wondering about their relationship.

Suggestions:

While you mentioned it, you didn't expand on Yuri's thoughts about Alyssa's beauty. This could be an important moment in their relationship and add more emotion to the story. We also never learned if there would be more to the relationship or not. That sometimes leaves a reader wanting more, when the story is already finished.


Final Thoughts:

Overall, story has a good balance of dialogue, action, and description.

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14
14
Review of girlhood  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Elisabeth. I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Super Power Reviewers.

I found your poem while searching in the new writer's area. Your title caught my attention right away and the description line made me curious, so I gave it a read. Please keep in mind, these comments are just one person's opinions.

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

Your poem paints a vivid picture of humanity, capturing moments of tenderness and pain. Good job.

The opening line immediately drew me in. The hands evoked intimacy, trust, and a connection. I could imagine the warmth and reassurance of a friend’s touch.
Suggestion: Consider the texture of the hands. Are they rough, calloused, gentle? Do they hold a story?

The red lipstick against teeth and skin is a striking comparison. It hints at passion, maybe even a stolen kiss or a reckless moment. The smearing suggests being vulnerable, and even the messiness of life. Really good writing with these descriptions!

The blood stained jeans are your darker element. Blood stains evoke pain, struggle, sacrifice, while the jeans seem to be the canvas for memories—a playful childhood perhaps or deeper wounds? Again, really good work here.

You wrote of childhood scars. That tells me the story is also about resilience; about getting back up after a fall of some type. I especially liked this phrase: “years spent outside” That really adds a layer of nostalgia and freedom to the writing.

Much of this poem seems to deal with being vulnerable and the loss of innocence over time. I think you did a good job with the theme.

The closing line leaves us with a sense of a story not yet told.
Suggestion: Consider telling me what those eyes have witnessed. Are they haunted or wise? Are there any other untold surprises?

While you did capture tension well in places, you might want to consider adding more of it.
Suggestion: What conflicts lie beneath the surface?

The flow of the poem might add to the emotion you are creating by separating some of the ideas.
Suggestion: You might want to experiment with stanza breaks, making the poem flow more.

Overall, you have an authentic poem that resonates with me. I'm just learning about poetry myself, but I enjoyed your perceptions.

Keep writing!

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15
15
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Carly! I'm Dee with the WDC Power Reviewers. I came across your story while browsing for something to review. I was very interested in the premise and decided to give it a read. I don't normally read novel chapters, but I'm glad I did.

*Right* To me, the theme of this story is about embracing one's true identity and using it for good, even if it may be met with fear and judgment from others. Very emotional theme with lots of dramatic possibilities throughout your novel. You're off to a great start.

*Right* I thought it was an interesting title, although it didn't give me any clue to what type of quest it would be. Usually, I look to the description line to give me a little hint, but you didn't list one at this time. I find the description line a really useful tool to attract readers. I like your protagonist's name. Very unusual, and in my opinion, unusual often attracts me to a piece of writing.

*Right* As far as Zayda losing her parents, it would be interesting to see how she processes and copes with this loss, especially since it is the catalyst for her learning about her witchcraft abilities.

*Right* I really liked it when Zayda's aunts teach her about the power of love in magic. It's a beautiful concept and adds depth to the story and to Zayda's character. I also enjoyed the inclusion of the family's grimoire and the secrecy surrounding their craft. It adds a sense of mystery and intrigue to the story. This story really appeals to me.

*Right* The dialogue between Zayda and her aunts is well-written and builds the reader's interest in their magical abilities and the danger they may face from the villagers. Overall, I think you set up a strong foundation for the story and leaves me wanting to know more about Zayda and her witchcraft abilities. Great job!

*Right* While you kept my interest from the first paragraph, the initial setup of your story does feel a bit rushed. Zayda goes from watching a storm, to learning of her parents' death to discovering her witchcraft abilities, all in one paragraph. To give the reader a better understanding of Zayda's emotions and mindset you could expand on this and connect the reader with Zayda on a much stronger emotional level.

*Right* The line "use her powers to intimidate them" feels a bit abrupt and out of character for Zayda. It would be helpful to have more information to clarify this and build up to this moment. What triggers her to use her powers? What are the consequences of her actions? This could add depth to her character as well. By delving into this struggle, I think the character of Zayda will become more complex and relatable to your readers.

*Right* The aunts are introduced, but their relationship to Zayda is not fully explored. How did they come to take her in? And what is their dynamic like? How do they feel about teaching Zayda witchcraft? All these could add more depth to the story. While I know you wouldn't want to give all that information at once, the story is missing that "fleshed out feeling" when it comes to a few of these details.


Overall, you did a good job with setting up the premise and the conflicts that will come up throughout the novel. I truly enjoyed this read, and I look forward to seeing what happens with Zayda in Chapter Two!

Good work!


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16
16
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)



Hi Ghost. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers. I found your story, The Long Road Home, in the "Browse By Type" section, while looking for something to capture my interest.

Title/Description Line & Genre

I liked the title the minute I saw it. It's what caught my attention when I looked for something to read. But I admit, unless I looked at the genre you listed, the description didn't sound like a frightening story. While accurate and to the point, it could be made more scary and appealing to the reader if you touched it up a bit. Perhaps something like:

It was a long, desolate ride, but to Walter, sharing the road took on a whole new meaning.

Or something you come up with that can really pack a punch by giving the reader a hint of what's to come, without giving the plot away.

Plot/Setting & Structure

Great plot! You open with the setting, and set the stage for the conflict, which I see as two-fold. One conflict being the lonely, and uncomfortable ride, and of course the later conflict, (which I won't say, since I don't want to give away the plot surprise to anyone reading this review). You began to build the tension even prior to the inciting incident, being when Walter thought he ran someone over. Nice work with this opening. And the scenes where the rising action continues had me glued to the page. You show a talent for structuring your scenes. This story has a very defined beginning, middle and end. I liked that while you did give a lot of information, it was broken up through the scenes, rather than just dumped all at once.

Character

Walter is a very realistic and believable character. As a trucker, I could relate to his predicament with his vehicle and his comments and reactions. What I especially liked was that every time he got nervous, or stressed, he lit a cigarette or took a drag off it. Good characterization. I would say he's very emotional during this trip and his personality is clearly shown through his internal thoughts and actions.

Dialogue/Narration & POV

Good dialogue, even though it is limited in the story. But between the actual spoken dialogue and his internal thoughts, the story never looses momentum. It moves the story forward with every sentence and thought, directly relating to the plot. Your narrative voice is strong, focused and adds to the plot through the limited third person POV. His dialogue is also very realistic, but you do use several dialogue tags that aren't necessary when his feelings are shown.

Descriptive Writing

Good descriptive writing, with lots of action on the page. There are several areas of passive writing in the descriptions, however. I counted at least 15 sentences that should be rewritten to active tense.

Tone/Flow & Pacing

I believe your tone was one of frustration, showing annoyance and discouragement throughout the story, but the mood has an ominous flavor with fear and tension, as well as loneliness. You use these to accent the story from beginning to end. The flow is well done, all paragraphs and their subject flow one into the next smoothly, no clunky transitions. And story paced along well.

Punctuation/Grammar & Spelling

Now, while I've given your story high marks in the above elements, there is one area that does need attention. There are several places that need attention to punctuation, as well as several sentences that need to be changed from passive to active, and a number of words that could be changed for better readability. Just a few examples:

For better readability:

beginning to fall - could be changed to falling
began to fall - could be changed to fell
began to crawl - crawled
wasn’t going to - would not

Several Passive Writing:

what little light and heat were left - could be changed to: it left what little light and heat
was hooded - could be changed to: The person wore a hood
were glued - could be changed to: Walter’s eyes stayed fixed
the truck was plunged - could be changed to: the truck plunged into darkness

Many Adverbs: - These should be used sparingly or eliminated

cautiously
definitely
willfully
exactly

These are just a few examples. I did notice several more than I listed for each area. A good going over in an edit will catch most of these, I'm sure.

*StarR* Final Thoughts *StarR*

As I mentioned several times, I really loved this story, and I truly like your style of writing. With a edit in these areas, this story would rate 5 stars with me. I'd be glad to reread and rerate this story if you decide to revise it.

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17
17
Review of A Seasonal Thing  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An image for September reviewing

Hello Beholden. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers. I found your story, A Seasonal Thing, in the "Browse by Type" area, while searching for short stories that begin with an "S."

Title/Description & Genre

Your title is interesting, and to the point, as far as the curse is concerned. Your description line tells the tale, so between the two, I had a good idea what to expect. You listed the genre as dark and death. They definitely fit the bill, but I think this could also be considered either occult, if you need a third category.

Plot/Setting & Structure

The plot for this story, while a typical device for this genre, is always a solid concept. Using one terrifying line to infiltrate George's mind through the seasons, you've used George's thoughts to build the suspense, while at the same time, panic him, unbeknownst to him that he's under a curse. Your plot follows all the elements, from exposition to it's climax. I have to say while you did a wonderful job during the rising action, the climax was brilliant. I loved the ending!

Character/POV & Dialogue

While George seems to be a believable and realistic character to me, I can't actually picture him physically. I do get a good idea of how he thinks, since most of the story revolves around his thoughts, more so than his actions, until the end of the story, of course. And I like that you used third person limited POV, as opposed to an omniscient narrator or first person. You've controlled the story well. And the interesting thing is, the only dialogue in the story is that one terrifying line! Very good use of limited dialogue.

Descriptive Writing & Voice

I found your paragraphs full of descriptions that I not only could see, but I could think and feel what George was going through. They were arranged in a way that continued to build suspense, and easily pulled me through the story. You have a interesting voice. Your use of verbiage and imagery conjure up that spooky flavor needed for a story like this, that is primarily told through George's thoughts in narration.

Tone/Flow & Pacing

The tone was depressing, ominous, and one of impending doom, although the impending doom was much more subtle. You moved me through the story at an appropriate pace. Nothing too fast, but not too slow. Just enough pacing to keep building the suspense. But I do have to say that there are three paragraphs that could be considered "slow," but since you broke them up and they did not follow each other, they did not detract from the pacing.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar

You do have a few punctuation and grammatical faux pas, but nothing major. A few missing commas, readability issues where deleting an unnecessary word would improve the story, and a few style changes, where a choice of a different word, perhaps a stronger verb would work a little better, as well as eliminating several adverbs. But all these can be easily changed in a revision. Your spelling seems spot on.

*StarB* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarB*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. I especially love endings like the one you used. With a few punctuation and grammatical fixes, I would rate it a 5.0.

Write On!

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18
18
Review of The Santa Anas  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An image for September reviewing

Hello Winchester. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers. I found your story, Southwind, in the "Browse by Type" area, while searching for short stories that begin with an "S."

Title/Description & Genre

Good title for this story! It's unique, and is actually a part of the suspense in the story, since everyone and everything gets antsy due to the south winds. Your description line gives a brief glimpse of the action to come without giving away the resolution. Although you listed the category of the story as a contest entry, and "dark," I found it to be more of a western.

Plot/Setting & Structure

You have an interesting plot here. It's pretty straight forward, following the five elements of plotting. I liked how the rising action and climax were very close together. Good structure here, and your paragraphs and action followed logically in that "western genre style" quite well. Your setting was a desert locale, either near the Mexican border or near Los Angeles, as stated in the story, so it was easy to picture in my mind. The scenes are rather typical of this genre, but with the right verbiage, dialect, and the right amount of tension, by the end of this story you are sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for something to happen...and it certainly doesn't disappoint.

Character & Dialogue

These characters are vivid in my mind. I see them as easily as people in the room with me. And the balance between the narration and their dialogue, made it easy for me to see them clearly, and distinctly. It was especially useful using local language and dialects, although you may want to stick with the normal dialogue tags of "said" and "asked."

Descriptive Writing & Voice

Your use of descriptive writing is well done, barring a couple of passive spots, weak verbs, and one or two areas where there was "telling" rather than showing. One thing I noticed is that you used the character's first and last name each time he was mentioned, which isn't necessary.

Ex: The air was warm with winds from the south. (Telling vs. showing)

Then the screaming began; a long, lone wail that went on and on and on until it suddenly stopped halted. (Stronger verb)

Tone/Flow & Pacing

I found the tone to have dark, impending, and nervous tension all the way through the story, which made for good suspense. Your story flows well, and the pacing is spot on!

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar

There are several missing commas, and a few other grammatical revisions needed such as using adverbs more sparingly, and starting sentences with the same word. But really, there isn't a lot of revision necessary, just a few things here and there. Your spelling is also spot on.

*StarB* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarB*

I thought this story was like watching an old western on tv! I loved it! A few minor revisions and it will be a much stronger read.

Write On!


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19
19
Review of Shane the Pain  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An image for September reviewing

Hi Orion. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers. I found your story, Shane the Pain, in the "Browse by Type" area, while searching for short stories that begin with an "S."

Title/Description & Genre

When I first read the title and description, I thought it might be a comedy or another genre. I had to look at how you listed it before I realized it was horror. Interesting title, though. It definitely fits the story and the genre category!

Plot/Setting & Structure

Your plot and structure has been set up rather well. Your opening gets us right into Shane's problem and plan, and the action gets us right to his external conflict. The scenes are arranged logically, with no choppiness between them, as you bring your reader through the story. You've given enough information for the setting to be clearly realized, as well as the environment outside the project site. You have not given away any of Shane's "secrets," so you build the suspense accordingly. The plot kept my interest, and the good thing was you did not use a lot of back story or info dump.

Character/POV & Dialogue

Shane is a believable character, very realistic and gritty. However, I would have preferred a bit of internal thought or internal dialogue to get a better idea of what he was thinking, rather than only narrative. At the same time, the narrative didn't slow down the story at all, and it gave me enough information to keep me reading on. You did fine with the dialogue, although there was very little of it. And of course, you chose third person point of view, which is probably the most popular for stories such as yours.

Descriptive Writing & Voice

Lots of good description in the story, and good narrative, other than a few passive areas. Your voice is strong, with that same gritty style and choice of verbiage, but not a lot of balance between your descriptions and dialogue, as I mentioned before.

Tone/Flow & Pacing

You chose an intense tone, that mixes and changes to excitement, worry and arrogance throughout the story. The pace kept me reading on, because it never really slowed down. It had a momentary pause when he was captured by Samantha, but the zippy banter between the two of them kept the pace moving forward, and rather quickly.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar

I think the weakest area you need to focus on in your revision would be punctuation and grammar, primarily the use of stronger adverbs and verbs, changing out the few passive writing areas and areas where a better word choice would improve readability. It may sound like a lot, but really, you don't have that many to revise. You did pretty good here in this area as well.

*StarB* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarB*

I'm not a huge horror fan, but I do enjoy a good scare now and then. Surprise ending! I must say, it was satisfying because it was totally unexpected. Good job!


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20
20
Review of Surprise  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
An image for September reviewing

Hello Soxweaver. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers. I found your story, Surprise, while searching for stories that begin with an "S."

TITLE/DESCRIPTION & GENRE

Let's face it, a title with the word Surprise has got my attention! *Smile* I want to be surprised, so I was ready to read this story and find out what that would be. Since you wrote it for a contest, the description line was sufficient for the entry, but you could use this to give your readers a little peek as to what that surprise might be about. You have many of the elements for a dark fantasy story, including a great "animal" too!

PLOT/SETTING & STRUCTURE

Your plot was very intriguing to me. I loved the opening. You wasted no time getting me right into the situation, and showing me what elements of the fantasy were present and pertinent to the story. Also, you covered all five elements of plot, and the escape. You even had a denouement, where Beaoul falls into a deep sleep with the release of all her stress. Nice!

CHARACTER/POV & DIALOGUE

I absolutely could picture Beaoul and Seyona. These characters kept my interest because they felt real and believable. Beaoul and Seyona's character and personality showed through their actions, rather than by physical descriptions. I got a good feel for who and what they were, but it would have been nice to perhaps have a line describing them physically. Mira also came through as a strong personality to me, even without any physical traits to apply to her. But often in my own writing, people mention wanting at least a basic description of my characters, even when the characters have strong enough personalities to be able to "see them."

The dialogue between the characters, were kept simple, and not lengthy. In my view, they worked very well in the context of your story. Your choice of language or word choice, made the dialogue sound natural and appropriate for this genre.

TONE/FLOW & PACING

The tone of your story is very obvious. The story is dark, aggressive and threatening. Great combination for a dark tale! You did a nice job of building the suspense with the tone and flow, which I found flowed well and at a good pace. I did not feel the story slowed down in any place, or any way from those elements specifically.

PUNCTUATION/SPELLING & GRAMMAR

I did find a couple of things that slowed down the story. The main reason for my rating was the use of your main character's name over and over. You used it to begin many sentences, and even used it instead of a pronouns in several sentences as well. I had to push myself in my own writing to avoid doing that. I am always rewriting my sentences so they tell the reader who it was that something was happening to, without using their name, and even without using a pronoun, at times. This will make your story's readability much stronger and more satisfying.

I also found that you used about ten adverbs in your writing. With adverbs, it's best to always limit them, especially in a short piece of fiction. I try to eliminate most of them in my stories. I don't always succeed, but I try! *Smile*

Removing passive writing and/or unnecessary words can increase a story's readability also.

--> Mira had begun to beat on the prisoner. It was an unusual tactic.
--> Mira beat on the prisoner. It was an unusual tactic.

Your spelling looked good, and I didn't notice any other grammatical problems.

*StarB* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarB*

I want to tell you that I truly enjoyed this story. I would have liked to know more of the background, and even what happens with Beaoul after her sleep. I understand this was a short piece for a contest, but I think this could be a part of a larger story, with a lot of potential.

Write On!


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21
21
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Dennis. Per your request, I have read your story, The Size of a Thought and I'm ready to do my review. I will be sure to answer the questions you specifically asked of me within these template elements. First of all, this was a very good story premise. It has the necessary elements for a thrilling sci-fi adventure, and I believe it is true to the genre.

TITLE/DESCRIPTION LINE & GENRE

Your title was unusual, and it got my interest right away. While I didn't know what it meant, it was intriguing. I then looked to the description line to sort of "fill in the blanks" where the title was concerned, but it didn't actually do that. I think the description line could be fashioned to give a much better idea as to what the premise of the story will be.

After I read the story, the description line made sense, but prior to reading the story, I really didn't have any idea what it was going to be about. Of course, the genre was unmistakably, science fiction, and you did a wonderful job staying within those requirements.

PLOT/SETTING & STRUCTURE

While I will say the plot held my interest and did indeed make me want to keep reading, I admit it took till the fourth paragraph until I was actually "hooked." There was quite a lot of descriptive writing in those first three paragraphs, which could be tightened up much more. You could have begun with the fourth paragraph and you would have grabbed me from those first words, rather than reading more description than really necessary. With a novella, you're not going to want to use such detailed descriptions, since brevity, and a few strong and well-chosen details are the nature of a novella.

I will say that the plot developed well, and at a consistent rate, from that fourth paragraph on, and the scenes and writing were realistic for this genre. You used the plot to build the action, and it was satisfying, although I would have liked to have a little better idea how Jonah II was going to execute the plan at the end of the chapter. Perhaps, the background could also be condensed a bit tighter. The setting was well established as being "in the future," and you explained the social and cultural situation, (the technology issues), that led to the time and place of the story, the future.

CHARACTER/POV & VOICE

I could picture Jonah II rather well. His description and personality came through in your writing in almost every scene, and they were well spaced out, so I didn't feel it was info dumped, or shown all at the same time. While the character of Jonah seems very well developed, and it felt as though I was reading about a "real person," Baby wasn't as "real" to me. Not enough info about her, other than a few of Jonah's memories/download.

Again, Jonah is etched in my mind, and I felt as though I was experiencing the same things he was while reading through the story. Baby was less defined. Other than her hatred of her father and for the technology, (her motivation), there wasn't much I could tell someone about her. Perhaps, that's all that is needed for the story, but she isn't as strong a character as Jonah, or even Elmo or Jason.

Your voice, as the narrator, is strong, and well-focused. Again, with Jonah, your voice makes him feel as though he is authentic and real in every sense.

DIALOGUE/NARRATION

This is one area where I feel you were spot on! The dialogue seemed very natural to the characters, but there didn't seem to be as much dialogue as there was narration. I found myself scanning for the dialogue within the paragraphs, because it moved the action and pulled me through the story at a better pace.

I thought the amount of narration seemed, well, quite a bit more than a first chapter or first act of a novella should have. Almost 9,000 words does seem too wordy for the beginning. As you've pointed out to me in the past, editors are picky when it comes to word counts and verbiage. I believe, if I'm accurate, that the middle of the novella should have the larger word count, rather than the opening chapter or act. But the narration, is captivating, detailed, and well-written.

DESCRIPTIVE WRITING

This area is the second element you excel at! While you have a lot of excellent description throughout the story, there's probably a bit too much, to be honest. There are places that, while the descriptions are detailed, they don't actually move the story further. Perhaps you can choose one or two details to reduce the word count used to describe those scenes.

TONE/FLOW & PACING

The tone of this story seems to be a combination of serious, ironic, and even depressing at times, especially after Jonah II realizes what is going on, regarding having no choice in the matter of returning the world to a technology based environment.

For the most part, I thought your story moved along at a good pace for this type of story, but as I mentioned earlier, there are a few places, such as the opening, that the pace was a bit slow to start, and a little cumbersome with so much detail in the first couple of paragraphs. I had no problems with the flow, as your paragraphs and their main ideas, connected to the next one logically, and smoothly. No jerky shifts, no jerky changes or thoughts. Very nicely done, by the way.

PUNCTUATION/SPELLING & GRAMMAR

Punctuation and grammar are the areas that I find need revision. It's the main reason for my rating. There are several places with passive writing. Those should definitely be changed to active tense, especially where the action is concerned. You have several spots with unnecessary commas, and missing commas, and a number of phrases that could have a higher readability by replacing your word choices. Easy fixes, nothing too worrisome here. Again, with your ability, I'm sure you will be able to catch those in your next draft. I saw no spelling issues.

*StarR* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarR*

I want to tell you that while I'm not a voracious reader of sci-fi stories, I do read my fair share of them, and I love sci-fi films. So, I am quite familiar with the genre. I honestly *loved* reading this! I read it in one sitting.

I found it to be a *very* good piece of writing. Most of the things I pointed out were in the nature of writing mechanics, which are easily fixed with revisions, especially by someone with your talent and ability. You have a real knack for the genre, and imagery. I'm sure you'll do well with this story if you continue writing it as a novella.

Just remember, with a novella the reader has a lot less time to get into the story world, since you have to convey it with less vivid, and less detailed storytelling. That's a challenge in itself, not to mention keeping to a much tighter word count.

Good luck, and Write On!


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22
22
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



Hi James. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers.

I found your story, The Tollbooth (Revised), when I clicked on the "Read and Review" area to find something that would catch my attention.


Title/Description Line & Genre

The first thing that got my attention was your title. It's very simple, but very effective. I was instantly curious about a horror story around a tollbooth. Your description was also very effective. Two words, yet they said so much in the way of raising tension before the story even begins. The fact that this is a horror story makes it even more interesting, because I don't tend to review many pieces in the horror genre. It's not one of my favorites, yet at the same time, who doesn't love a good scare! Those three things are what got me to actually read this.

Plot/Setting & Structure

The plot is very original, and to me, that alone hooks me in to keep reading, along with the actual hook of the car being empty. I didn't skip to the end, wanting to read every detail of what "it" was! Also, you've covered all five points of structure, from exposition to resolution well, especially the rising action throughout, although I admit, the resolution wasn't quite as satisfying as the rest of the plot. The loved how you used all the things that frighten us the most to set your story, i.e., the fog, the car rolling along at a slow, demonic pace.

Character/POV & Voice

I must say, your use of character development and description was very well done! I could physically picture Bill, and his habit of lazily sitting in the booth listening to his radio. I got to know how his mind worked too, which really added to the tension. Example: Bill could now see it was a Cadillac, loading a great big gun full of great big bullets with his name on them. Your POV was consistent all the way through, and it was effective at continually raising the stakes.

Dialogue & Narration

While there was little to no dialogue, what you had seemed realistic and appropriate to your character. The narrative kept me on the edge of my seat. Since the only one speaking was Bill, there were no issues with overuse of dialogue tags, or not having a voice of his own.

Descriptive Writing

You excel at descriptive writing. That's what really makes this story work. You skillfully used your verbiage to induce fear, along with Bill. I felt his terror, could smell the night air, I could see the fog and the mist. Everything sensory came through with your descriptions. And the more descriptive you got, the more tension I felt. Nice work!

Tone/Flow & Pacing

The flow and pace was perfect. It starts out a bit slow, like the Caddy, then builds up to a crescendo with this scene:
The number plate suddenly seemed less important. Something else had caught Bill’s eye. The pace didn't feel rushed to me.

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar

There were a few punctuation and grammar misses, such as:

Long Sentence: As usual, Bill sat in his booth listening to an old radio, which played more static than music, and staring down Falls Bridge: the only thing connecting Amaranth to the mainland. This can make the readability of a story a bit more difficult. You may want to make it into two sentences, or shorten them.

Should be lower Case: Before He realized that he was frightened,
                             Bill was aware of It moving towards him

Passive: All the fear he had felt upon watching the car approach
Could be rewritten as: Upon watching the car approach, all the fear he felt... (even though 'he felt' is still telling).

Many adverbs: frantically, suddenly, quickly, distractedly
These should be used sparingly, since sentences are stronger without them. You can always replace them with stronger adjectives or verbs.

*StarR* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarR*

Overall, I thought this was a really solid story, and I enjoyed reading it. It made me tense all the way through, until the resolution. That was my main reason for rating this the way I did. The story was really good, but I felt a bit "let down" by how it ended. It didn't have the same punch as the rest of the story. I also wanted to know who or what was in that car and in his tollbooth, and why it was cruising down the road in a Cadillac.

I had someone tell me a similar comment about one of my stories, that the ending wasn't satisfying to them the way I originally wrote it, and when I changed it to a more satisfying resolution for the reader, it became a much stronger story.

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23
23
Review of Take Flight  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Boat2*    Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" *Boat2*


Hello Eleanor. I'm Dee. I saw this short piece of prose in the newbie review area, and it caught my eye.

Title

The title, Take Flight, serves this piece well enough. It is simple and direct. Although I'd like to note that the piece seems to describe the sky and all its attributes as much as the feeling of flight.

Descriptive Writing

Now, this is where you do very well in describing not only the idea and feeling of flight, and how you want your audience to feel, but also the environment, the colors, and the way you see the sky in all its beauty.

Tone/Flow & Pacing

The lovely thing about this piece is the tone. Very light and airy, as if we are floating on a cloud, seeing the through your eyes, not simply words on a page. The pacing works nicely, flowing easy, as one sentence slides into the next. The only words that seemed a bit disruptive to that flow an pace were the words "for instance."

Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar
A spot or two that would do with a comma, also a period to break up a long sentence might improve the flow even more.

Example: It is a curious color, the cloud. I decided dreamily, drumming my fingers on the wall.

*StarR* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarR*

This is a very nice piece of prose. It could easily be a paragraph in a novel of some type. Either way, I enjoyed reading it. Nice job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
Review of Two Ladies  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)


*Boat2*    Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" *Boat2*


Hello James. I found your extract from your novel as I was searching for something to review. So, let me get to it.


TITLE/DESCRIPTION/GENRE - *StarR**StarR**StarR**StarR*

The title, "Two Ladies," seems to make sense. I assumed it referred to Amelia Green and Linda Cylkowski. It isn't a very mysterious sounding title, but once I read the excerpt, it *did* make me wonder about them quite a bit. So, perhaps the title works well after all. The genre also sounds like a hard-boiled detective story, a "Mike Hammer" sort of story, which I happen to like very well. Old style. I "saw" your story in black and white, if you get my analogy.

PLOT/SETTING & STRUCTURE *StarR**StarR**StarR**StarR**StarR*

The plot follows the typical set-up for this type of genre, complete with the beautiful and mysterious woman who arrives, leaving us with more questions than answers. Nice work. The structure is solid, with the exposition very well thought out, along with good setting details. I especially liked how you didn't reveal Amelia's reason for having Linda followed. It kept my interest and I knew Daniel would have his work cut out for him.

CHARACTER/POV *StarR**StarR**StarR**StarR*

Daniel Wood strikes me as a competent enough private investigator, although somewhat indecisive and not very motivated. The story, told though his POV, is indicative of the genre, and drew me into his world, despite his somewhat stilted POV. Could have used a few more details about his life, showing why his POV is a little stilted. Again, nice work.

DIALOGUE & NARRATION - *StarR**StarR**StarR**HalfStar*

While there wasn't much dialogue in this excerpt, it sounded natural and appropriate to the character's personalities, but I think I would have been even more intrigued if a couple more minor details came out in the dialogue. Just enough to ensure that I keep turning the page. Now the narration in my opinion was very well done. Like I mentioned in the genre section, I could really envision this opening.

DESCRIPTIVE WRITING- *StarR**StarR**StarR**StarR**HalfStar*

I found your use of imagery and description really put me in the middle of this setting. I didn't have to imagine it. And the fact that you put the story in "anywhere USA," makes this a story that many types of readers can relate to. Some of the descriptions have been used many times in other writing, but regardless of some of the generic stuff that you mentioned, like "She had a classy dress on and wore her hair the way woman used to do in the sixties; piled up on the top of her head" it still fits the form and I liked it.

TONE/FLOW & PACING - *StarR**StarR**StarR**HalfStar*

The tone seemed sort of nonchalant. As if Daniel didn't care either way about the way anything in his life was going. The tone of the story reflects that. The story paced well for most of this excerpt, but it was a bit slow during the part when Amelia arrived on the scene.

PUNCTUATION/SPELLING & GRAMMAR - *StarR**StarR**StarR**HalfStar*

Capitalize all first letters of the dialogue in a sentence or statement. Use double quotes " " for all dialogue, not single quotes ' '. Single quotes are for quoting something within a quote.

Example:

Yours: ‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘that’s me, all right. How can I help you?’
Mine: "Yeah," I said. "That's me, all right. How can I help you?"

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really enjoyed reading this excerpt, and would like to see more. I will check your port to see if you have expanded this story or not. I found it kept my interest. I found it fun to read, and written in that "old school" style, as I mentioned earlier. I think this has the possibility of being a really great novel. Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
25
25
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Sherry,

I'm happy to review your essay, "Cup Half Full or Half Empty." I found it both realistic and uplifting, and it gave me a positive feeling about life in general, which I believe was the point you were trying to convey. Very well done, in that respect. I would like to suggest capitalizing the title, as that is proper punctuation. It may even make a stronger point by making it "The Cup Half Full Or Half Empty," or even make it a question, "The Cup Half Full Or Half Empty?"

As I read this I thought that it would make a good blog post, or even the first blog post that sets the theme for a blog. As for a couple of grammatical issues, there are a few things that could make your piece stronger. It might be even stronger to use a more direct word such as difficulties or trials, rather than "Ups and downs." Likewise for "bad times." A stronger adjective would make it much more clear to the reader. Readability can be the lynch pin in a piece of writing. The word "mothers" should be written with an apostrophe, mother's. There is a missing comma in between workers and the word "and," one or two other words that could be more descriptive.

Despite these few things, it's a great little post! Your resilient attitude really shines through! Nice job!


Shared group image Invalid Photo #1050689



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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