*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/djokolot/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: ON
351 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am honest and respectful, and try to be as diplomatic as possible when I review a piece of writing. I use a template to cover most writing elements, as well as giving you my personal thoughts and feelings about it. I rate fair and equal to the review I give, but I only give a rating of 5 if the piece is perfect, in my opinion.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, adventure, paranormal, historical, disaster/survival, political, detective, young adult, animal, folklore, comedy, inspirational, nature, romance, and fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, psychological, gangster, western, steampunk
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, blogs, chapters of novels, and essays.
Least Favorite Item Types
Articles, non-fiction
I will not review...
Technological, erotica, gay/lesbian, whole novels or novellas all at one time.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 ... Next
26
26
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your poem, What The World Needs.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

What a beautiful poem. The title tells us exactly what the world needs without even saying it, and the image of the dove with the olive branch, was perfect to accent this. I think anyone who reads this poem will agree that the world could use as much love and understanding as possible. All your words, the imagery you evoked, and the ideas in this piece, all speak to a better world, and hope for more uptopian society.

In light of the issues in our world today, your poem speaks of the reason we don't have that kind of world yet. It speaks of wars, gunfire, hatred, and disrespect that so many in the world now have for one another. And those are the roots of evil that keep us from the world your poem speaks of, a world that is attainable, if we chose to have it.

I love rhyming poetry, especially when it is true, and easy rhyme. This Quatrain (4-stanza piece) is one of my favorites, and I especially like this rhyme scheme best of all. It isn't forced, or continuous rhyme, and it sounds lyrical on the ear. You have several examples of alliteration and consonance in your poem, which adds to the melodic sound and feel of the piece.

The mood seems to be more of frustration, while the tone of it evokes great concern and worry. It's a bit pessimistic, but ends on a hopeful note, but reminds us of our fate if we don't heed to love and tolerance.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I can offer no suggestions for improvement, as I think you did a beautiful job with this theme and form.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I enjoyed reading your poem, and find it to be something without flaw. A five-star rating is well-deserved.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Fivesixer. I've chose to review your prose piece, A Farmer In The Fifties.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This piece caught my attention as I looked through your port. I tend to find anything to do with "simplier times," or with "the good ole days," items that will beckon me to read them. While I didn't grow up in the fifties, (I grew up in the sixties), I tend to not only gravitate more to the fifties, but it seems that I can relate to them better. And I believe it's because of the simplicity of the times, compared to how complicated the world began feel after that.

I think your prose says this, and a lot more with few words! I found your farmer probably represented many people of that time who had the same thoughts--that despite world events and all the other things going on in the country, that they still had to eat, and take care of their own, first and foremost. That their lives were almost non-affected by the world around them.

Your piece describes how a simple life requires none of the luxuries or technologies of the modern world, because with those luxuries come the issues and problems of the world, which they have no time for, and that they are happy without it all.

I believe we've all felt that way from time to time, but unfortunately, the world is so integrated that staying isolated from it today is almost impossible.

So much has changed from the fifties. Great work making me think about that through the eyes of one farmer.

*NoteR* Suggestions

The only line that seemed worded a bit unusual, is this one, "my farm is all I know as home to me" perhaps a word change? my farm is the only home I know.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Again, I loved reading this because so many of the things you mentioned brought back my own memories of a different time in my life.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your story, A More Beautiful Life.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

The first thing I thought when I finished reading this was how much I enjoyed the story. I love stories where characters decide they need something different in their life, and the book explores those adventures. I would call this literary fiction. This is the type of story that could easily continue on into novel form and length.

The plot is a common one, discovering the world, or wanting to experience more of it. And while it is a plot people use quite often, it's popular because of the many directions a story like this can take, and because people can connect with a character who wants to break free of their life and try something they've never seen or done before. Excellent reader association throughout this piece. Good work.

All the elements of conflict are present in your story, as well as other important ones such as flow, which is very good, by the way. The paragraphs read easily and complete. Nothing sounded out of place, or choppy, and each paragraph flowed into the next with a connecting thought. Also, the tension built from the start of the story and right on through to the end, as I waited to learn if Sophie would leave. Tension was subtle, but quite appropriate.

Sophie is an interesting character, with her streak of independence, and very definite ideas about what she wants out of life. I very much liked how you showed me all the obstacles she faced through her family and her friends, but also showed me that she never saw them as such.

Your use of dialogue and narration felt very realistic. It had a natural feel to it. Again, great reader association. You very competently show Sophie's attitude about wanting to experience more life than just what she sees on holidays, and you gave me a very good idea about her rebellious nature. She sticks to her guns despite the people in her life who try to convince her to stay. My favorite line in the story was actually her mother's comment. "Your Father would have told you to find the most beautiful life.” I thought that knowing her father would say that is what made her decide to go.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I wouldn't change any of it. I found it satisfying the way it stands.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

This tale was a pleasant "coming of age" story with an uplifting ending, which I enjoyed very much. Your punctuation and grammar looked good and it was a breeze to read. Great work!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hello again, Fivesixer. I'm reviewing your article, "Blogging As Crafting."

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I found this article very thought provoking. While I've always thought of writing as a craft, I've never thought of it as cathartic, or as therapy. However, your article makes perfect sense in that, you need to treat whatever it is you do to relax, as a form of release. Personally, I've always looked at writing of any kind, as stress reducing. Once you find yourself buried deep within the words, you tend to lose yourself, and the problems you had before you began. While I'm not a mental health patient myself, I do have a hietal hernia, originally, and primarily caused by stress, I know how important it is to find that "happy place" that can reduce stress. It's really amazing to me that there are individuals who do not have a hobby or interest that helps them find that place. I would agree with you that if I can't write, I would suffer. Writing is my refuge. And while I have several other hobbies I enjoy, none give me the same release as writing. I don't know if we even need to worry about whether or not we are very good at it, because if it provides the theraputic need we have, that's the most important part of it. However, you don't need to concern yourself with this because you're an excellent blogger, with amazing insights, and a way with words. Plus, I just found you are actually very talented at fiction as well!

*NoteR* Suggestions

I have no suggestions, because this was a very engaging article written from both personal experience and research. About the only thing I could suggest would be, write more, and continue to enlighten people, as you do!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Well done!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review of The Haunted Hotel  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Jellyfish. I've chose to review your story, The Haunted Hotel.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I found your story to be a delightful and an enjoyable read! Of course, as you designed it, I thought I would be reading a ghost story, in the normal sense. You built the tension early on in the story with the Polish/Russian couple's conversation that Sarah overhears, and as the reader, I was led in the direction of the paranormal. This was good work, foreshadowing what ended up being something very different, but good work with this.

The plot is easy to follow, as Sarah hopes to enjoy her vacation in a luxury hotel, that she wonders about it's residents! When your character hears "the ghost" and walks the hallway to the room to explore the sounds, that's when I realized it would be "something else," and not a ghost. I'm not sure how I knew at that point, but I think it had something to do with the pacing of the story. It got to the ghost so fast, and suddenly, I remembered the cat from the lobby.

Your character was developed very well through her thoughts, actions, and especially her comments. I felt as though I knew Sarah. I could feel her anticipation and excitement about being on vacation and about being there at that hotel. You did a fine job with her character and making her feel like a real person to me, and she was.

The tension, the flow of your story, and the pacing all worked well, it's just that when Sarah said "The ghost," before going down the hall and learning what the sounds actually were, it sort of gave it away.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Perhaps take out that particular line about it being the ghost, and build more tension up as she slowly creeps down the hallway to the door. Make me jump when she sees the cat/kittens.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

The story is fun, and even a little spooky. I had a good time reading it!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of Painted Rock  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Fivesixer. I've chose to review your story, Painted Rock.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Okay, so this is the first story you've written that I've read, and I must tell you that I believe you earned that awardicon that adorns this page. I was impressed with this story, and read it with baited breath. I love ghost stories and paranormal, or just plain ole' scary tales, and this story qualifies for all three! Good work.

Great plot. A ghost story with romance and an adventurous feeling, this had all the necessary elements to maintain my complete interest as I read it. I loved how the story begins with a lighter tone, as the two youngsters get to know each other, and we learn who they are through their actions and inner thoughts, before showing me the other side of their personalities, and how they reacted under pressure and even fear. You have an excellent grasp on characterization, and making your characters come to life, not only through the narration, and their actions, but through their inner thoughts and spoken dialogue.

Your use of descriptions, and descriptive writing in the narratives are very good. I saw every inch of the Wangtango Convention Hall, and even the outdoor environment. Beautifully painted images of Cuddleshmuck Park, and the surroundings. What a great name too--Cuddleshmuck Park! You've created very strong tension from the moment they went inside the building until the time they learned of Pear's brother's trick. But the best part, (of course), was the end when they found out the brother played a trick on them, only to learn there was something to the ghost tales, evidenced by the letter on the rock. Great twist!

*NoteR* Suggestions

As with all of us, there are things that can make the stronger, tighter, have better readability, and be grammatically correct. There are many passive verbs in the story, such as words like, were aroused, was tired, were interrupted, etc. Making the sentence active will make this top notch, for sure! You used a few adverbs as well. Although adverbs are debated as to their use, most editors find the fewer the better as the rule, or none to appeal to all publishers, (in case you decide to try and place your story). But a good, quality grammar program can help with this.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I really enjoyed reading this story. It had all the elements necessary for a story of this type, but even more it had the flavor and tone that a creepy, or eerie story must have to maintain the tension and tone till the end. Very good work. You should write more stories.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Hi Gaby! I've chosen to review your story, Chaotic Revelation, as part of "The Four Seasons Auction.

*StarY*Story Elements & My Impressions *StarY*

I thoroughly enjoyed your story, as it had all the elements an intriguing and gripping mystery should have in order to keep my interest. While there are few plots in this world that haven't been explored, it's the details and the characters that bring the story to life. Your character, Harvey, is still fresh in my mind as I write this, because he was a well-developed individual in the story, not just a "character." In no way is he a cardboard cutout or facsimilie of a real person, he *is* a real person to me. I could see every step he took as he ran from the bloody, and violent scene in the club.

Very good descriptive writing kept me on the edge of my chair as I read it. I waited to find out who was at the other side of the knock at the door! (I wish I knew! Perhaps you chose to let the reader imagine his or her own ending), and that's another strategy writers often use, although I admit, I prefer knowing to imagining. Lots of really exciting tension here, and he started typing his story. I really liked that Harvey's thoughts (inner dialogue) made me feel his fear and anxiety! My first thought was, is it Pete at the door, or one of Louie's guy's??

When I don't notice the pacing and flow, you know you wrote a great tale that has my interest. I didn't notice those elements, which means they were well written. So, excellent story, and great job with the mechanics of it! I noticed nothing in the way of the grammar, spelling, or even the punctuation that looked out of place, or missing in action. The only reason I didn't rate this a five is because I didn't know who was knocking at the end. I know it works better for the intensity of the story, but for me, I felt like....what???? *Laugh*

         Dee

Shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review of Hello, Kitty!  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Hello Gaby! I've chosen to review, Hello Kitty, as part of your winning package in "The Four Seasons Auction.

Story Elements & My Impressions

First of all, I love animals, so this cute little tale (pardon the pun), really appealed to me! One expression I loved was how you call her a "Tuxedo Cat, and named her Foxy!" It all seems to fit quite nicely. You could almost snuggle up with this animal as you read the story! The way you tell it, almost makes this seem like a real one as opposed to fiction, and it sure tugs at the heartstrings. This is really a sweet plot, with a little surprise attached to it, her pregnancy. Foxy's snoring and farting was funny, and gave her a personality! My favorite scene was when Kelly came home to the whinning sounds of kittens! I had to laugh as I read through the story. Foxy's kittens sure seemed more like infants, always getting into something, and exploring their new world!

You have a likeable character in Kelly. She's kind, and loves animals, and even takes care of the little rascals, but getting the Husky to sort of "mind the store," was brilliant. Kelly is ingenious as she is friendly. Something tells me, he and Foxy are going to get along just fine, as long as he knows who the boss is!

There was enough tension in the story to keep my interest, although it tends to be more subtle and slow. It fits this type of easy-going story. The flow did not have any choppy sentences or choppiness to the paragraphs, and the pacing moved quickly.

You have a good grasp of grammar and punctuation. I rarely see any issues in your writing. Good work!

All and all a warm hearted, lovely story, with friendship and love as the theme. These kind of stories are always enjoyable to read!

         Dee

Shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review of Derailed  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


Hi Gaby! I've chosen to review your story, Derailed, as part of your winning package in "The Four Seasons Auction.

Story Elements & My Impression

The title of your story was chosen perfectly! Catherine starts out in the train station where the victim gets derailed, and ends up in a nasty situation, getting herself derailed as well. I love one word titles. They give the impression of something immediate happening, be it the situation, or the plot, and your word fit this story to a "T!"

The plot was really very good. While we see this type of plot or premise often, your particular story was unique, in that your character has an interesting attitude through the story, especially at the end when she laughs about her vacation. I was caught up in the suspense of it, and wanted to know who these people were, what the package had in it, and what happened to Catherine. As I said, I thought Catherine was as unusual as the the plot. She seems tough, and confident, despite the situation she finds herself in. How bold to call Jerry when she first got home with the package! You have such tension in the story. It builds up very quickly from the moment she is given the package, till the end where she is captive. You used pacing to your advantage, and the story had an excellent flow to it. You're a wonderful writer. I've read several of your stories, and you have a easy, flair to your writing style.

I found the dialogue easy to follow, realistic, and intense. The intensity, like the tension and pacing, built up through the story, but it built quickly. I especially found Catherine's inner dialogue not only realistic, and "in character" with what we know of her, but it added so much to the flavor and situation she found herself in. I could feel her frustration when she said, "This is not happening!" I knew exactly how she felt, because I was sitting there beside her thinking the same thing! Isn't it fantastic when we feel that way about a story or a character? Your descriptive writing added so much to the scenes. Flavor means a lot to me in a story. If I not only feel what the character feels, but I taste the salt air, the smells in the air, etc. then I'm there inbetween the words.

Your punctuation, spelling and grammar were all spot on, in my opinion. Everything looked good and read easily. Great little story! It was the one I enjoyed most, and would love to read more.

         Dee

Shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review of Heat Rises  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Stephanie. I've chose to review your story, Heat Rises.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

After reading your story, and looking at the ratings, I've got to tell you, I feel this is an excellent piece, for the emotion alone. There are things that need to be edited, yes, abut I felt such grief from your words, and from the pacing of the story, not to mention, the feelings the character revealed as she went through the day of the funeral, I think this deserves a higher rating.

The plot was apparent. Getting through the most difficult day of her life, her husband's funeral. And your character was so convincing, I actually shed a tear of my own as I read this. As I said, the tension and pacing really made the piece take your breath away. The flow was a bit choppy, but to be honest, I believe it helped express her feelings in the same way she felt. So, good work.

The narrative was excellent, and the associations she made between the things she was looking at out the window at and her life now, was very moving. In my opinion, the last lines where she talks about not saying goodbye to him when he went out the door, or anything, reminded me to say something to my hubby when he goes out to get me ice cream when we are home…and he does. And the last line of the story added the final punch to the line. It was a wonderful.

*NoteR* Suggestions

The grammar needs some tweaking, however. There were several unnecessary words that could make your story stronger by just deleting them, and there are several adverbs that could be changed for a stronger word. A good grammar check program can help with this. I use Pro Writing Aid, and it does a great job, when I use it!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Again, great work with this story, as far as eliciting emotion. I enjoyed reading this very much.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
Review of Miguel's Duty  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, Miguel's Duty.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I loved this story! All the elements that make a story resonate are in this. Your plot is easily followed, a SS Agent has to protect the President, (even though he's a jerk and he can't stand the man personally), because of his Constitutional oath, Miguel is a strong and powerful character, easily able to carry the story pretty much by himself. He is so drawn out for me to see throughout the story, I feel as though I've known him for a long time. He feels like a friend. Miguel has courage, principles, and is loyal, despite his personal beliefs and feelings about the man. And I loved the title you chose, because it really describes the theme of the story, and all in two words. Excellent! Talk about breviety! The dialogue felt so real, that it almost felt like a historical account. It seems to me that using Miguel's POV was the only way to tell this to get such intimacy with regard to his feelings and thoughts about his job, the President, and his family. You wove it all together beautifully!

You built the tension up all through the gun fighting and attacks, especially once you refocused on Miguel's thoughts as hewas lying on the ground thinking about mustering the last of his energy. You paced this story in exactly the right speed through each scene. The story paragraphs flowed in the same perfection as the pacing.

*NoteR* Suggestions

This particular story seems to have more grammatical editing needed. I found several passive verbs: was shocked, be surprised, were broken, been thoroughly, and at least sixteen issues that can cause the readability of a story to decline, such as phrases like:
- got into boring
- was relevant
- of the assailants
- It appeared that they
- be thanking (1)
- managed to cripple


Most of these can be reduced to one word such as the example "managed to cripple," to just crippled, and, "of the infiltrators," to just infiltrators, etc. Unnecessary words that slow down the reading can just be eliminated, plus it helps keep the word count down too. I've been working on doing this in my stories more and more. I even use a two programs that catch most of the things I tend to miss in my own writing.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

However, with all that being said, it didn't in any way keep me from the enjoyment of this story. I honestly loved every word of it!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, When Bobby Met Ken.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This story was probably the most unusual vampire story I've read so far. Not the most frightening, mind you, but definitely unusual. I've not come upon a sarcastic vampire before, but then, I don't read many stories in this genre. I found your story absorbing. It caught my interest, and I continued to read on to the last word. I admit, The title didn't excite, but it told the tale, and the description clinched it in my mind. It was easy to tell this was a vampire story, since it's marked as folklore. It was the folklore genre that intially peaked my curiosity.

The story was well-written and strangely captivating. Something in his mannerisms made me think that Ken didn't seem to be gay, yet, he was acting gay. Of course, at that point, I didn't know for certain what Ken was, but I had my suspicions. This was a good plot, because I never saw the ending of the story coming! Talk about a twist! I can almost imagine how angry Bobby must have been when he learned the truth! Bobby and Ken are totally and completely different types of people. I see Ken as this savvy, flashy sort, while Bobby seems to be more earthy, and simple. They have clear differences in their appearance and verbiage, making them real in my mind.

Your stories always flow well, as does this one, and it has a fast pace to it as well. I'd say the highest point of tension would have to be when Bobby wakes up in the dirt. Either that or when Bobby learns Ken isn't gay. They are both high tension points in my opinion.

Once more, I would just mention the few things I noticed in the grammar department. A few passive verbs, as "was buried," a few readability issues such as, found himself, and did need, and several adverbs such as longingly, strangely, gallantly, etc., which are always a bit on the pesky side with editors.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Just a few tweeks in grammar is really the only thing I noticed. All other writing elements are spot on.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I don't often read vampire stories, but upon occasion I find one or two I enjoy. I got a good surprise out of this one, that's for sure!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, Termination of Employment.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

My first impression was how unique it was, combining folklore and sci-fi! I thought this was extremely entertaining. You kept the flavor and feeling of Christmas, and added those Terminator sci-fi moments to the story! The amazing part? That it worked really well! I loved this story, and found myself laughing and commenting on it as I read it, much like I did with an earlier story of yours I reviewed. You definitely have a good grasp on the world in which we live, as evidenced by so many excellent situations you put into the story such as, forced retirement, no pension for Father Christmas, not allowing him to sell his Grotto because the state took it over as a historical site. (Hm...sounds like our Agenda 21, no property rights plan!) Very funny, but yet, quite realistic, shown in parody form. I thought this story was your most carefully crafted one, regarding subject matter, humor, satire, and entertainment. You have a knack for this type of strategy in your writing.

The plot was, actually rather complicated, with many things happening due to Father Christmas being retired. But let's face it, bringing a terminator into the mix to eliminate him when he disagreed with the State, was perfect! I have to say, this is a most original story! The characters were very well designed, and yet, there was plenty of reader association attached to each of them, to make the story seem almost, normal! Dialogue seems to be one of your strong points, and this story was no exception. I loved how you show the ridiculousness of being politically correct. This phrase became one of my favorites in the story. "Citizen Holidays!"

Lots of tension in this. Great pacing and flow. There were several grammatical items I noticed that could be made to strengthen the story, and make it spot on in every detail, but despite these items, everything worked smoothly, and succienctly. I loved the ending to this, but one of my favorite parts was Rudolph's role getting rid of Citizen Holidays!

*NoteR* Suggestions

Again, the only suggestions I can offer you is that there were several passive verbs and readability issues in the story. And as usual, nothing that couldn't be picked up with a quality grammar check program. I always end up missing things in my writing, sometimes even with the checker!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I rated this a five-star story, because I think you did an amazing job at entertaining, while poking fun at, or perhaps, while making the unaware aware of the world we live in today. I laughed all the way through it, but I kept saying to myself, Uh huh, he knows what's going on!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Bob. "I'm back," and I've chose to review your story, The Presidential Press Briefing.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Another great story! Yes, I just love a good tin foil hat tale! The story was really fun to read. All the way through it I wondered how Chris would treated, and how he would be proven correct, or if he would be. I figured aliens would show up, as it was obvious by the President's reactions that she either was a part of the alien takeover, or she knew about it, and was hiding it. Although it was a little predictable, it didn't ruin the ending or my enjoyment of it in the least. It definitely did not disappoint. Nice work.

Great plot! It has lots of tension, and the way you wrote it made it difficult to know what direction the story was going to take next. That's a big plus in any story. It kept my curiosity peaked. The tension ramped up as each sighting was reported and the President ignored it. Talk about waiting for a size 12 wide shoe to drop! After the sighting over London, I figured the end was about to arrive, literally! You never fail to entertain with these flash fiction pieces, and this story was no exception.

You made this story fly off the page between the pace of the story, and the flow. I loved how you used TV and news journalists we're familiar with in the story to give it a realistic feel. And how damn funny was that, having Chris wearing his tin foil hat to the briefing! I thought I'd die laughing. Chris is a familiar character, because we've seen this person in the real world many times, making reader association happen without much persuasion. The dialogue was brilliant and natural. It did not sound like a “story.” It felt like a real incident, the way you wrote it. That's not an easy thing to do either!

*NoteR* Suggestions

Again, I really don't have much to suggest in the way of punctuation, grammar, or spelling. You do a good job of checking your list, and checking it twice. Oops, wrong story! *Laugh* Seriously, you do a good job checking your stories for those things, and you catch most issues before we see it, so again, good job.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

All the story elements necessary for a intriguing experience was in this piece. And what an ending! Wasn't what I expected, as far as the gun fight is concerned. And the part where the President speaks with Chris in the last paragraph, well, I admit, I saw that coming! I figured it out when the last denial about aliens came out of her mouth. And yes, I had my tin foil hat on while reading this, too! *Laugh*

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
40
40
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Bob. I've chose to review your story, Thomas Jefferson's Legacy. And Happy WDC Anniversary!

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This was an excellent piece of flash fiction, encompassing semi-true historical facts. I found the fictional story you placed the real characters in, to be a situation that could possibly have occurred in their lives. We do know Jefferson freed Sally's children, so who knows, this dialogue could have been close to an actual conversation in their lives.

The title is more than a little interesting, because I didn't know what type of legacy you would be writing about, so the title and description you list made me curious. The plot was put into action from the first sentence, and that was probably the one thing I enjoyed about this story more than any other element. I wanted to know what promise Sally was speaking about, even though I had a good idea what that might be. This story has a very definite structure to it, with it's beginning setting the issue at the forefront, the middle being the discussion, and the decision to change the will as the ending. And historically speaking, the perfect ending.

Your writing is beautiful, as it flows like a gentle river, easy to navigate, and nice and smooth. You have an excellent grasp on the writing elements that make a story come to life, and it's a pleasure to read.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Your punctuation is spot on, but you do have a few words that slow the readability down such as words like, some, really it isn't, do, etc., that can be deleted or reworded, and a couple of passive verbs such as were created, be settled, and be made. Nothing that one more quick grammar check couldn't catch. No big deal here.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I truly enjoyed reading this piece. To me faction, (fiction based on certain facts), is even more interesting that plain old fiction, depending on the story. Great work.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
41
41
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Serge. I've chose to review your story, We Don't Repair Alien Spacecraft.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

What a great story! This has excellent humor, with some warm, comedic moments. The title is very funny. Of course, I didn't know that until I read the story, and saw the genre tag, but it sure fits the plot! And your plot is one of the more original alien comedies I've read! Good work! I liked the personal way this story was told, from your main character's perspective, in a working man's, or working class style, if you will. So, the story narration was handled well. It was light, fun, and easy to read, well, all except the name of the alien, perhaps! It has a bit of mystery to it, (referring to the reason the alien wanted to work for the owner). Although this is an alien, your story still provides reader association due to that very reason! So, good job with that! Suddenly, we aren't thinking about his four arms, and one eye any longer. We're thinking about the things we have in common, such as that reason he is working at the shop! The best humor came at the very end of the story. I don't want to spoil this for other readers who might be reading this review, so I'll just say that, that was a perfect way to end it! Talk about showing how we are alike in many ways.

*NoteR* Suggestions

One thing I do that you might want to try, is to use the description line to hint at what your story is about. You'll attract even more readers. The story does have a few passive verbs that should be changed to the active voice to stay in the main character's POV while showing the story, rather than telling it. Some examples are: were terrified, be made, be made had won, and been forgotten.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

This was really good. I loved reading it! Write On!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
42
42
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Hooves. I've chosen to reivew your story, The Night I Ate My Words.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

My first comments are always about the title, description and genre. I must say, this title is a keeper! What a way to lure me in, making me think that Hooves was perhaps being, "put in his place" by some rude reviewer! But alas, I was pleasantly surprised to find that was not the case at all! And that by your foreshadowing, and misdirection of your story, Hooves in fact, literally ate his words! The description was very funny, and apparently, delicious too!

A great plot with a good conflict, and I knew exactly where Hooves was during his lockup! Being stuck in the library was bad enough, but no food? How creative and industrious you are Hooves, and your friends who help with the idea to eat your words. A very easy story to read. And Hooves is an amazing character with a marvelous personality. There is so much potential for endless ideas with this character, and I believe you've explored a great many of them already!

Good pacing in this short piece. It was a nice quick read, and most of all it was funny. Hooves' voice is so heartwarming. His personality, the comments he makes and his actions all carry throughout. His personality always shines when he speaks. He has such a unique sense of humor, especially when he calls his owner, "his human!" The story flows well, and while I wouldn't call it tension, I would say the story evokes a lot of anticipation, waiting to see how he will resolve his hunger!

*NoteR* Suggestions

I spotted a few passive verbs and adverbs, but the spelling, punctuation, other grammatical elements were fine. I'd say run it through a good checker, and it will catch all of these items. No problem.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I never fail to enjoy one of your delightful tales (pardon me there!) There's nothing better than a comical, writing bull, and this story entertains in hoovely fashion!


Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
43
43
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Winnie. I've chosen to review your story, The Reluctant Patient.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This was one of the best stories using foreshadowing and misdirection, that I've read in a long time! I really believed they were going to see a doctor to have Jim hypnotized to quit smoking. What a misdirection! You did a great job at it too!

And what amazing and image provoking descriptions you wrote. I could literally feel for Marie! My husband could almost be Jim! I know her pain! *Laugh*

This plot was very well designed, not only to entertain and tell a good story, but to surprise the reader, and you accomplished both, beautifully.

Jim and Marie could easily be my hubby and I! It wasn't a stretch for me to know who they were, because I could relate to the story and the situation. My hubby is a smoker too, hi mannerisms and attitude sounded exactly like Jim's, so excellent work with reader association.

This story has good tension, created by the character's personalities and actions, and the pacing is perfect. The tone seems to be determined by Jim's reluctance, And that spirit emmanated throughout the piece. I would say this has a mood of displeasure.

Very good use of punctuation, grammar, and spelling. It was a pleasure to read. Your writing style has a easy, no-nonsense feeling. Very comfortable.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I can't offer a suggestion, because this was very well written.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Its unusual for me to find a story I associate with so closely, but I certainly did with this one. Write On!


Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
44
44
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Cheri. I've chosen to review your story, Mrs. Dabney's Game.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Very good piece of micro fiction. This was a smart, and humorous look at life on meds, and the cunning of some patients.

This title flowed with warm humor, and the description conveyed that a light, but campy story would follow, without giving away the ending to Mrs. Dabney's game. Of course, these elements are what drew me to your story, and I wanted to know what the game was she was playing.

This plot reminded me of a cat and mouse game, and Carrie, being the new tech, fell for it, as evidenced by her frustration, which seems to be the mood of the piece.

The tone has a shade of humor that seems to represent Mrs. Dabney's actions, as we are led to believe, from Carrie's statements, that Mrs. Dabney does this quite often.

The banter between her and Mrs. Dabney showed me that --- Mrs. Dabney isn't an unaware little old lady after all, but she's actually rather cunning, and manipulative. Great job with characterization.

Your story reads easily, as the flow from paragraph to paragraph is smooth and coherent, and the pace is relaxed, despite Carrie's impatience.

Your use of punctuation, grammar, and spelling were all handled well. I saw nothing out of place.

*NoteR* Suggestions

About the only suggestion I can offer is to write out "4th" as the word "fourth."

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I found this story sweet, but sly on the part of Mrs. Dabney's actions and personality. An interesting combination of characters made this story a winner.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
45
45
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi SandraLynn. I've chosen to review your story, Medical Treatment is a Pain In The...

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

Well done! And I agree, there is some humor to be found in medical treatment, and you found it with this story!

The title and description really drew me to your story. Lets face it, anything with a title like this screams humor, and showing Dorothy's humiliation regarding the hospital gown, was priceless!

The plot to your medical madness is one that will resonate with many people. We've all experienced the insanity of medical procedures. So this plot is easy to follow and has reader association attached to it. Excellent work.

Dorothy is a wonderful character, with her Erma Bombeck look on life, dealing with medical personnel, and her resilient personality and attitude regarding her pain and inconvenience.

The dialogue in your story was was so pointedly accurate and real, it reminded me of an experience of my own. Your characters and their conversations were very realistic.

Very good flow to your story. It read easily with no abrupt stops or jumps. Each paragraph flowed into the next beautifully, and were well written. Good descriptive writing.

Tension built, as the personnel screwed up her x-rays. The tone was pure frustration throughout, and her unhappy mood prevailed.

The readability of your story, it's coherence, and the punctuation and grammar were all spot on, in my opinion.

*NoteR* Suggestions

Honestly, I could find nothing in error, missing, or out of place.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I truly enjoyed your story, and found that it actually gives me some release in frustration when I realized we all have dealt with this situation. Excellent writing!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
46
46
Review of Dementia  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi rockchic01. I've chosen to review your poem, Dementia.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

First of all, welcome to WDC! I see you just signed up, and I'd like to say hello before I talk about your poem.

Dementia is a subject we hear about all the time, especially lately. The title makes it clear what your poem will be about, but since you're new here, you probably didn't realize how advantageous it is to use your description line to it's full use. I can only speak for myself, but I look at title and description first and foremost, when I decide what to read and review. Since I enjoy reading new writers on the site, I still read things that aren't described, but I do like to have a hint about the piece, aside from the title. I have a mom who is 78 and her memory, while it isn't dementia yet, is less reliable than it has been, so the name of your poem got my attention. Reader association is something I think about a lot. It's so important, and you wrote about a subject so many people have to deal with today. Good work with the subject matter.

As soon as I read your verse, I was saddened, almost moved to tears, as you put it. While the verse isn't long, or complicated, it expresses the man's happiness and normalcy, and then the demon dementia whooshes in on a whim, stealing the memories away, and turning that happiness into such sadness in an instant. The change on the man's face is so clearly visible (from your writing), that I felt his happy moments suddenly turn into terror with the unfamiliarity of the environment to his aged eyes. I can't even imagine something so disconcerting than having something like losing your memories happen from one moment to the other. You did a good job with the emotional aspect to this piece.

I liked that you used free verse for this. Somehow, other forms just don't seem to fit it or be appropriate. I can't think of a form I've seen so far that would be better than the free flowing verse of yours, with no restraint on expression of emotion. It would seem the device you used was to tug at the heartstrings, and you did that with few words. Very nice work.

*NoteR* Suggestions

My suggestion is that you should use the description line to your advantage, and list the genre, if you think about it. You'd be surprised how many more readers your writing will attract by doing that.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

I enjoyed reading one of your first pieces, and I think you did a wonderful job with it!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
47
47
Review of The Wedding Day  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Schnujo. I've chosen to review your story, The Wedding Day.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

The title interested me, because I find that wedding stories almost always entertain, but it was your description of the bride receiving a shock that lured me in to read it. The plot is easy to follow, since most of us are familiar with weddings and their traditions, and this story followed those traditions through to the end. However, with a wedding being a very personal story, I would have liked to have known the groom's name also. It's certainly not necessary, but I tend to feel I know the characters better when I can call them by their first name, rather than using a pronoun like he or she. The dialogue was perfect. It built the tension fast! It went from 0-60 in an eighth of a micro-second when the groom mentioned second thoughts! Great job with the tension element. Pacing and flow also was spot on.

There were a couple of things I noticed in the way of grammar/punctuation. There were a few words that could be either deleted, or the verbiage changed to make the story stronger and read better, such as changing the phrase, "beginning to fill," to just "filling," and "started crying," to just "cried.". A few adverbs and a passive verb here and there slow down the reading a bit, but nothing difficult to catch with a good grammar check.

*NoteR* Suggestions

The story was wonderful, and other than a few tweeks in grammar, I couldn't offer any other suggestions.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Very enjoyable piece of micro fiction. Good work.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
48
48
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Espero. I've chosen to review your poem, Unexpected River Landing.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

I must say, for having a title that actually tells the outcome of their story, not only does the poem remain a whimsical and a pleasure to roll off the tongue, but it's very comical. I laughed all the way throught it. Not only did I laugh, but I could barely read it out loud, I laughed so hard, especially at this stanza:

The cows mooed and the sows snorted,
now that my trip was aborted,
as if to say, "What did you think?"
"Your age landed you in the drink."


I could almost see the author landing in the water, and the cows walking away! So amusing. Good use of pacing. This was a fast read, and rightly so. The flow of your poem was lovely. It was lyrical, image evoking, and better yet, I felt like I was standing there with the cows watching the spectacle! Your use of the poetic devices with this quatrain, such as alliteration, consonance/assonance could be seen and heard in several places, which helped create the lyrical sound I spoke about, along with very good rhyme, perhaps not 100% true rhyme as with words like, fun and everyone, and the last two lines of this quoted stanza, but nevertheless, very good.

*NoteR* Suggestions

That's about the only suggestion I have. I normally don't like to know the ending of the poem or the story in the title, but in this particular case, it actually made the tension in the piece. I was just waiting for it to happen...somehow! Nice job!

*NoteR* Final Thoughts



Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
49
49
Review of Rainstorm  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hello KatVon. I've chosen to review your poem, "Rainstorm."

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

In my opinion, this is an exception poem. I am new at reading and writing poetry, but I know what I like, and what moves me to emotion and action. I believe you are trying to communicate the importance of the rainstorm, and its wild, untamed nature at the same time. It would seem that the author is speaking to the rainstorm, and encouraging it for it's lifegiving and chaotic properties and abilities.

Using the line "You were born to be a rainstorm," in several places, gives the poem a firm structure to it, and reinforces the message. Your have excellent usage of consonance, assonance, and rhyme. This piece seems to be free verse, which I found myself drawn to. I understand why so many people are. It does feel free, when reading or writing from the heart and mind with no constraints.

I noticed a tone of gratitude worked its way all through the poem, and the mood throughout was one of ambiance and wonder.

*NoteR* Suggestions

I have no structure suggestions for you, other than perhaps leaving an empty line between each stanza, just to make it easier to read, but I know this isn't necessary in free verse, it's just my preference.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

As I said, I felt this is a five-star poem. I don't often rate anything five-stars, especially poetry, because I'm still in the learning stages, but this wonderful piece shows the pros and cons of a rainstorm that we often take for granted, and it feels like the author is giving tribute to mother nature herself. Very pleasing poem to read.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
50
50
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Game of Thrones-- House Martell Review

House Martell image for G.o.T.


Hi Angels in my Ear. I've chosen to review your story, The Stick Shift Diaster.

*NoteR* My Thoughts & Impressions

This story of yours really appealed to me when I saw it. As a professonal trucker, I know all about driving a vehicle with gears! I have 13 of them in my truck. But I do remember learning to drive a stick shift when I was 15. So I found you story, humorous, campy, and above all, a learning experience! What a story! Did Taylor ever speak to you again? *Laugh* This piece held my attention all the way to the end of it. I had to know if you were going to succeed or not. Yeah, that pesky gas pedal is just too darn close to the brake, isn't it?? *Wink* When your learning on a stick, sometimes it feels that way, and you conveyed that perfectly! While your title told me what the story would be about, it didn't give away the incident that you experienced. Even your description didn't give it away, yet it really made me wonder about the "unlucky" people who you came into contact with.

The plot told the story of your learning experience on Christmas morning and the not so successful day it turned out to be! I'll say good story, the way you wrote this! (Of course, I don't mean what happened, just that the story was well written). It kept me wondering what happened, because with the title and description, I knew something was about to occur.

This had a warm-hearted feeling to it, as we've all been in your shoes, learning to drive, that is, and remember the trials and errors we all faced, and the tone was light and even a bit humorous, if you can call it that. I would venture to say since everything was fine, it was a bit funny. I'd love to know what Taylor and Cindy said to you after the diaster! *Laugh*

*NoteR* Suggestions

I really don't have a suggestion for this. Your punctuation, grammar, and spelling looked good, you used all the story elements in an interesting, and creative way, and the narration was from your personal point of view--a story of remembrance. I thought you did a great job.

*NoteR* Final Thoughts

Good story, great memory, and well written for your memoir, and for entertainment.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
156 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/djokolot/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2