 
Hello Lecters Protege. I had the opportunity to read your story, "Remember When It Rained." I found it while searching through the thriller genre in the menu.
Title/Description/Genre  
I thought the title of this story was a creative way to associate the misery of the night, (the weather), with her misery of being betrayed. However, that being said, while creative, I had to wonder exactly who would remember when it rained? Since her husband dies, it won't be him doing the remembering. I don't think she'd need a rainstorm to remember killing the man she loved, and there didn't seem to be any witnesses. Either way, it is an interesting title. The description line pretty much tells the gist of the story, while not revealing the how's and whys, so that was a nice short description, and it peaked my curiosity. This certainly fits in the thriller genre, without a doubt.
Plot/Setting & Structure
The plot is set up very well. We learn of the character's pain and heartbreak through her thoughts, as she considers the betrayal of her husband's infidelity. The setting was unclear, in that I didn't know where this took place, other than a parking lot somewhere. And while the story wasn't setting dependent, it would have made her escape a little more reasonable as to why there was only one car left in the parking lot, regarding witnesses to her shooting him. So I was a bit confused where this took place. A couple of your sentences, such as this one: "I gazed hypnotized at the light from the flashing robot reflected off the falling droplets..." actually made me want to know where she was sitting, even though it may not have been an important element of the story. This story has a clear beginning and middle. The ending, while technically finishing the story, doesn't actually satisfy, because we don't know what happened to her. Did she get away with it? Did she get caught? Did he live? (Doubtful, but not a definite). So, the ending actually produced more questions than a resolution.
Character/POV & Voice
Your main character is rather vague in my mind. I mean, I know her thoughts, her feelings, and her motivation for doing what she eventually does, but I don't know her name, what she looks like, what her mannerisms are, or even how she normally reacts to pain. I don't really see her. I find her to be a strong character in thought and emotion, but I don't get a visual of her in a physical way. So when I read this sentence: "I pulled my jacket hood over my face and slowly made my way to the open parking lot." It was a blank image, a person without a face, to me. A few sparse details would really make "her" come to life. Now, your use of POV is perfect. I mean, she is the only one in the story, so it's easier to remain in one character's head, rather than head hopping from one to another, but it was still handled very well. I didn't detect any omnicient narration, so I think you did a good job with this. Her voice is clear and strong, and is a character that reacts to her situation.
Dialogue & Descriptive Writing
The only line of dialogue I saw was, "Wash away the thoughts inside my head that keep me away from you. No more lies and no more hiding!” I found this to be an unusually long sentence to say out loud to oneself, but that's not to say people don't talk that way. By this description, "If we listen closely, we can hear the monsters calling our names. This is my moment. The moment I wanted all my life. I can tell it is time." I was not able to tell if she was planning to kill him for a long time, and if so, then why did she say she only found out about his betrayal that very night? She did say it was the moment she wanted all her life. That's why I am confused on this point. Your use of descriptive writing is very good! I throughly enjoyed the images you created with your descriptions. You are quite skilled in this area. Nice work.
Tone/Flow & Pacing
Throughout the story, the tone remained the same, depressing, desperate, and ominous. I knew something was going to happen. The story felt consistent, and had the right tone and tension for a thriller. For the most part, the flow worked well enough. I did find the change from paragraph four to paragraph five a little quick, without an explanation of what she was doing there. Otherwise, the flow and quick pace made the story fit the genre.
Punctuation/Spelling & Grammar
While most punctuation, spelling and grammar issues can be resolved easily with another more stringent grammar check and edit, I saw nothing that stood out of place in the story. You did a fine job with these elements.
Closing Comments
I liked reading this story. It started out beautifully, and put me inside her head from the first word. It was the resolution that didn't finish as well as the beginning set the stage. As I mentioned, there are many unanswered questions I have as a reader at the end of this. I think it could be a five star story with a few details added into just the right places. The story moved quick, and didn't bore at all, but I wanted to know what happened to her.
Dee
 |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
When your learning on a stick, sometimes it feels that way, and you conveyed that perfectly! While your title told me what the story would be about, it didn't give away the incident that you experienced. Even your description didn't give it away, yet it really made me wonder about the "unlucky" people who you came into contact with. 
Lady Dee ~ House Martell 
Closing Comments 
STORY