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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmichel
Review Requests: OFF
4 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I work to be positive, but realistic. I generally won't review something unless it grabs me and makes me want to invest reading and commenting time.
I'm good at...
Working with emotions, relationships, plots. I'm much more interested in character-driven stories with psychologically complex plots than in plot-driven stories.
Favorite Genres
Relationship, Love and Loss, Existential Issues, Emotional Erotica
Least Favorite Genres
Speculative, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Novels
Least Favorite Item Types
None
I will not review...
Probably: Speculative, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Wonder  
Review by David Michel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is lovely and captures the moment and takes this reader to a similar moment in my own life. A few things to think about:

1. Is there any way to show us why that moment was so perfect instead of telling us? What was the emotion that captured the narrator in such as way that they wanted to sit alone on the front steps?

2. Wondering whether the word "solemn" might work better as the last word of the stanza. Dark and quiet are concrete descriptors; solemn provides another layer of emotional weight and I think it breaks the flow.

3. "Supernal" took me out of the moment. Everything else is so simple and straightforward. This word seemed almost self-consciously "poetic."

4. Do you need the "and" at the end of the fourth stanza? I guess if you're hinting at the narrator's sitting until just after midnight when they turned 15, the "and" suggests that. However, if that's not the case, I think a full stop at the end of the stanza would make the closing more evocative.

Hope these comments help. But want to re-emphasize that I found this entrancing.
2
2
Review by David Michel
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Really interesting and evocative. However, it feels unfinished. And, yes, I know that is a hopeful metaphor. You frame this with the word "realization," but you only give us: once, once, once. I want to know "what about now?"
3
3
Review by David Michel
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Ok. I'll admit I'm not at all up on the environment from which this story starts. So, take my comments as a newbie to your world.

The overall thing is I'm lost almost from the beginning of this story. Clearly, you are working in a world with very different parameters. So, if you do want to bring in readers who do not know your world, I suggest something that orients them to what is going on here.

I'm also unclear about the inner lives of your many characters. For me, at least, that's what I find interesting. For example, you start with Joan traveling to Marc but her trip, at the beginning is mostly logistics. But as soon as she sees Marc she's emotionally undone to the point of trembling. I'm not sure why we don't see that throughout the trip. And for all the characters you then introduce, I'm lost as what's going on with them. What are they feeling and thinking about their various interactions?

You also present so many characters that I have trouble keeping them all straight. If you're going to create such a complex social interaction, I would suggest you help your reader by being very careful about laying out those relationships and their complexities. Maybe work on POV and being clear in your narration whose POV we're seeing. This might also help to get us emotionally invested in one or two of your main characters.

Don't know if this helps or not.
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