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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/doctor-topher
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Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Doctor Topher
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can't help but think of all the times I've reveled in a small glimmer of something I enjoy only to be damned by the consequences. Very well done.

This was a very well-written three-part story. You led the reader right along, letting him discover and understand as the narrator did. There weren't any flagrant issues or errors, and I left with catharsis, albeit a sad catharsis.

I only have two suggestions. The first would be to hyphenate "cloud filled" and "moss ridden". Since they are two-word units describing a single noun, they need some help being glued together so that the reader doesn't stumble in the imagery (because the imagery is very nice!).

The second was a moment of disbelief when you write that the narrator almost lost the piece of paper while swimming. I have a hard time believing that someone would go swimming with a piece of paper in their pocket. Maybe he took it out of his pocket and left it on the shore under a rock and nearly forgot it there, or something like that. Otherwise it is a bit jarring as the reader tries to figure out what you exactly mean by that.

But otherwise, very good! I enjoyed it and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded. Search out the psychology of this poor narrator in the striving for light and the ultimate betrayal in being left in darkness. I think that would add even more to it.

Cheers,
Topher
2
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Review of Love and Sorrow  
Review by Doctor Topher
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Before I begin, I have to say that this reminded me uncannily of Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek". The image of the dust daring to fall, the world responding as though in communion with the narrator despite being unaware of her pain. It is really quite heartbreaking.

The poem began so strongly in my opinion. The rhythm drags you forward in procession, but the line breaks stagger this into a form of uncertainty, giving moments of pause as though in sadness and lostness. Plus, the internal rhyme in the second line provides an additional counterpoint, creating a greater sense of order but in contrast to the meter and the line breaks. All in all, the world seems out of kilter, but it still flows on.

The only other comment I have is that giving the possessive to "loves" *plural* in the second to last line served as a kind of hiccup against an otherwise smoothly flowing poem. I tried for a bit to see whether or not using love in the plural would be appropriate there, but I think it would be better put as "love's", maybe even capitalized for more personification. Or, if plurality is desired, adding an article "the" before "loves'" would help the reader realize the plurality beforehand.

That's all! Thank you for sharing, and I enjoyed the poem immensely.

Cheers,
Topher
3
3
Review by Doctor Topher
Rated: E | (4.5)
Or perhaps tradition sits too comfortably on its cornerstone--no, who am I kidding, Blitzen's a keeper!

This was fun! I enjoyed it "all the way down": the hyperbolically vivid imagery (I loved the bashful pupils), the figures of speech, the delicious word choices (my favorite was "schmucks mucking custom", that was so nice to savor). It was regal yet irreverent, honest yet mocking. All in all, an enjoyable 37 lines. Though I have at this point spent too much time with my head tilted trying to see Santa's sleigh in the stepped margin...

As far as suggestions (which are only grammar related): I actually had to look this up because I was not sure, but it appears as though "time out" is one word in sports related contexts and a two word noun phrase in all others. So you're probably good there. It just threw me for a loop having never really seen it written as to distinct words.

The only other incident that messed up the otherwise enjoyable flow of this piece was the first line of the second paragraph (stanza?):

"I sat there in tizzy of befuddlement..."

There should be an article in front of tizzy, and that might even help make that line stand out a little longer than the one below it.

Those are all my thoughts! Thank you for sharing this, and I hope no one else tries to ruin your traditions.


Cheers,
Topher
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