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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dom1977
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6 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Hannah  
Review by Dom1977
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting stuff, Redrum was the name of a famous racing horse in Britain.
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2
Review of Skin Hunger  
Review by Dom1977
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good afternoon,

Thanks for posting this up.

Think this really conveys the misery of our current stupour. Love a "mirror that doesn't lie"

Maybe you could do something with the words in a cave, a bit more description of what the words are doing? Just a thought, great work here.

Some things to correct:

Your hair is turning gray - grey.

But time is cruet - cruel.
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Review of The End  
Review by Dom1977
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for posting this.

Death dominates my thinking so I can relate to what is being said here.

Referencing our coming mortality to the telling of a story with an ending is a nice way to imagine what it looks like.

Also like the idea of the rose that blooms then dies.

I do think there is work that can be done. This sounds like the ideas you write down as a formulation. The next stage is to think how this should be told, how this sounds when it is read aloud, how it could grow from here.

A better telling of how this looks, happens, how it is relatable to the everyday would improve the poem greatly. Show and don't tell as much, old advice that has some value.
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Review of Thanatopsis  
Review by Dom1977
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, thanks for sharing this.

Some inspiring thoughts here but I wonder if the rhyme is holding the poem back, constraining its flow just as it seems to be finding a rhythm.

What would it be like without the rhyme forced at the end of each sentence?
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Review of Dirty Laundry  
Review by Dom1977
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Hera,

Welcome, fellow newbie and hoping I can help others as others help me.

The idea here is great but I think the execution needs work.

There is a lot of explanation that makes it more of a list than a poem. Lists are employed in poems but they would involve much more description of how these emotions play and out showing us your behaviour rather than telling us how you are feeling.

Dominic

6
6
Review by Dom1977
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
The scope here is impressive and you clearly have worked out the world you are writing about. It is not something familiar with and have never been an avid gamer.

Two things I feel safe to say:

1. References to "whores" etc - obviously language can be in context and not taken as prejudice but I think there are limits and sometimes it sounds derogatory, especially when it comes from her Husband.
2. A lot of exposition and details sometimes which feels to much like "tell" and not enough about "show". Take "Roland watched the couple walk away, disappointed to see his entertainment go but also relieved that temptation was gone." Rather than saying he is disappointed, is there a way of showing this, e.g. Roland watched the couple walk away, breathing a sigh of relief."

Just my thoughts, not a world I know or understand but would be great to see how this develops.
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