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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dopdop
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Review by D. J. H. III
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I spent about two hours reading this: I spent the most energy on chapter one, but chapters 4 and 5 went by like a breeze. All in all, my experience with reading this was pleasant, but difficult.

Chapter One: Introductions, contains a lot of words I did not understand, and I paused a lot. The issue with the names and acronyms can tend to confuse me, (Caltrain, San Francisco, MOPA, Flame-Wingman), and these extra, intricate details are my only complaint.

This was a well-written story with no grammatical issues that bothered me. Once my mind made connections after traversing the hard waters of chapter one, reading more was easier. The dialogue is amazing, and even though I still pause when reading descriptions, it's fun for me so it's ok.

Also, I noticed that you might be mind-hopping between characters? There's no issue with writing in a third person, omniscient point of view, but I heard that many readers mind it a bit: on chapter 5, the POV changed abruptly from Joan's perspective into Mokuba's perspective. You pulled it off well, and it's not really noticable, but I just wanted to point it out. (It was when you described Mokuba smelling Joan's leftover pheromones from her rendezvous with Marc earlier that morning.)
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