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Review Requests: ON
106 Public Reviews Given
395 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Overall, I thought the item was well enough written, and in places I found rather comical (by intent I imagine) in the way you described the protesters... perhaps not so much of a purposeful "descriptive" per se, but one that portrayed their underlying characterizations or state of warped thinking that tends to ring very true to this day... right down to the naked guy with strategically placed Stop Sign that's his way of not "protesting", but of drawing attention himself.

In a way, I think the item offers another message, an underlying theme if you will, that is possibly more apropos today than ever before given the state of the nation's idiocy, it's fear of pushing back against the insanity of "personal identity crisis" (like the guy I heard about yesterday who identifies with being a giraffe); or of being offended if using one's wrong "pronoun"; or of being UN-Woke BS. Your Trenchfort is finally, someone who has the nerve to push back, though it takes a military Marine to say: HELL NO... no more of this BS being shoved down our throats by a band of brainwashed groupies who gain strength as a collective from others in their camp yet cannot stand on their own individual commitment with authority; an inability to truthfully debate conviction but instead have no bloody clue as to why they're really there or can offer any meaningful explanation as to why they share the same purpose.

Only thing I'm not sure of was where did the overriding shouts for "Free Speech" come from when the crowd of naysayers calling for a disbanding of the Marines recruitment facility suddenly want to exercise a Constitutional Right... thus, from my perspective, it left me a little confused... a literary "speed bump" as they say that made me go back and reread that section to see what, if anything did I miss.
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Review of Staremaster  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello James,
I've accepted you request and hope to offer some useful input. My first impression when I noticed the length, your "non-fiction" status, and your "style" when reading it through.

That said, for such a shorty, you did manage to evoke an emotion... you did a great job in making made me laugh when I got to the jogger, and a good job "implying" his distraction, that when he hit the cable it was a surprise of what I expected was coming. Those are all good points because we aspirants of the craft strive to induce some sort of reaction from our audiences. You did that.

But here's where I'm going to offer a few suggestions. There's a very short book entitled: The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. I haven't looked at it in years, but however concise it is, there are great sections of "rules" with respect to our craft, and one in particular that caught my eye in reading your piece. For your convenience, I found an archived copy on the internet you can read and may download should you be so inclined. LINK: https://ia804502.us.archive.org/5/items/pdfy-2_qp8...

Rule 17, "omit useless words" is the item I wish to visit for purposes of this review. Now before I exemplify, don't take the rule TOO literally when writing, meaning there are times when sufficient words are needed to convey a thought, a mood, a description, or whatever and times when cutting to much would actually cramp your style. I think what the message is, there are times when your topic/point is much more effective (such as setting a scene that would draw out the impact of the action, like in your case when you and your buddy are sitting together with coffee and donuts... which the reader gets but you got a little repetitive and use words that in my view, are not necessary which tends to draw my "vision" of your story away from the important storyline. Examples below>


ordered a cup of coffee and some donuts.
here's an example, where the same could have been said: ordered a cup of coffee and donuts... the "some" could be consider a "useless" word according to Strunk. It doesn't help the sentence and tends to draw the reader's attention away from the coming action (topic/theme)

As we talked and sipped at our,
similar reasoning, could be: we talked and sipped (the reader already knows what and where, but if you still care to use the pronoun, that could work but the "at" needs to go. Or, you could say, "we talked while sipping coffee [even add: and munching on donuts]

I had a full view of the street through the shop's streetside window.
again, here... you had a view of the street, so "street-side" is redundant and and can be deleted; IE: full view of the street through the shop's window.

I realized he was staring across the street at this chick jogging in the other direction,
The above is just an example of rewording, in the case since you don't really know what caught his attention or what was thinking, perhaps something akin to
... He seemed to be staring at a chick jogging in the opposite direction across the street.
The idea here is, you're character is making an assumption, not coming to a conclusion... and, by placing the chick as the object his staring (verb), it captures the action better for the reader...setting him up for the hilarious consequences.

his momentum caused him to do a spin and a half around the cable, as he clutched it close.
another example where "do a" are useless, and somewhat distracting... this is your punch line so to speak, so go right to the active verb which would be more effective for generating a humorous reaction for the reader... something akin to: his momentum spun him nearly two turns around the cable. (the "spin and a half" was a little awkward that in my view, tends to lessen the funny impact)

"I hope that pulled out his chest hair." [This was a good follow up line that induce a second laugh that I never saw coming... very funny.

especially the ones with sprinkles, having known all along that jogging can be dangerous.

This entire sentence kind of threw me... the action (your topic / theme had taken place, the funny lines delivered, yet you went to sprinkled donuts and for some reason linked them to dangerous jogging. It's what some people in the craft call "speed bumps" that stops the reader, or at least slows the pace when distracting them with something that's confusion, or they have figure out.

At any rate, things to think about for tightening up any effort, and if you can download Strunk, I'd do so. Some good stuff in there that could help hone anyone's literary endeavors. I enjoyed the visit.
DRSmith

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Review of Gym Dandy  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
After seeing your clever response in the Newsfeed, I was curious about your other works. Found this atop the bunch and noting it was lyrics, I was drawn in as I've always envied people who could put words into song format. So... I sang along with ol' Gym Dandy, a pompous pumper of iron and got quite an entertaining kick out of your lyrics. I can almost hear Benny Hill featuring same in one his skits. Enjoyed. You have talent... stick around this joint and show 'em how it's done.
drsmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your title appeared with about a half dozen other "related" items to something I was looking at that hooked me for a peek. Loved it. Can relate to the average trials and tribulations of everyday life of an active family. Made me smile. Merely a suggestion, not criticism, but give another look at the last line that seemed to me a little awkward for beat. Perhaps something akin to the following might have a little better flow while also delivering your final summation line (a good one) with a little more umph?

Juggling and tumbling; a balancing act of fam'ly reality
Where I'm in awe of its Ringmaster, my Wife, their Mommy. (my Wife for eternity)

Just some shared thoughts, but overall, I liked and it evoked positive reaction from your audience... what we all strive for, eh?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ok, good one. You got me to concede a bow. Well constructed, true to the basis theme with a good touch to its ending. Well done.
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Review of The Glass Tree  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Found this noted from a recent award and although I'm more of a fan of rhyme and metered poetry, with little knowledge of free verse, but from just a readers point of view this is in my opinion, a superbly written piece. This is a prime example of where an author has successfully massaged every line with carefully selected words that work hard for the piece. I can imagine being transposed within the willow wood, observing the fixed but temporary glistening throes of winter yielding to the coming spring. Well done.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Given the required challenging format, I like this; good job in rhyme scheme, cadence, and keeping with the original theme.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Love it. But then again, it could have been a Kodiak sow and her donkey mare room mate who decided to pair up on a TV dance contest doing a... bear - ass can can. *Blush*
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Review of What if...  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ok, I bit. My first gut reaction upon a quick pass? I think it's going to be a tough one to beat. You hooked me from the onset, kept and teased me throughout, and left me wanting to go back and read again... and likely a third time. Although it wasn't what I expected from a plot viewpoint vis a vis my initial impression of the contest prompt, but it worked well for a captive read... although I found the ending to be a bit predictable for me, but not a retraction.
From a tech standpoint, it was well written for a good show of your particular skill set and style.
You got me skeerd to toss a try into the ring. *Smile*
DRSmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The posted results obviously piqued my curiosity, I'll sum first impressions by saying this was a deserving piece. Very nicely written with excellent style and use of select words that work hard for the piece, including an effective dusting of Archaic flavor that blends well with the subject matter. Although I'm not sessanarily (as we say in Kintucky) a big fan of the vampire and werewolf genre, this was a worthy read with excellent use of visionary and natural emotion. Well done.

My humble congratulations, your servant...
drsmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ok, saw this in a recent Newsie and from the start, you hooked me. (Always a key element of the craft, eh?) Then the fun began, that aside from the amusement, the background of the act was distorting my grins... in other words, you managed quite well to deliver two additional elements of the craft (keeping me riveted while evoking some sort of emotional response). And, I also liked the ending... and easy and gentle way to turn the reader loose.

Now, these comments are meant to be constructive that since you've scored so well on the elements, what I suggest is you look over and rework the opening stanza a little... perhaps break it up into a couplet and quatrain, or in other ways keep it somewhat consistent with the piece's format and tempo out the chute as I found it a bit awkward... what some of us refer to in the craft as "literary speed bumps." A few other spots within other quatrains could be tweaked to help retain meter consistency that in my view will work very effectively for the piece. Just a quicky example:
Then one day it happened.
As Pete picked in his nose here, take the "in" out
his finger got stuck
In that horrible pose just an idea, but perhaps: in a permanent pose (alliteration & consistent with the story line to follow?

All in all, well done as an entertaining piece a half star from classic.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of And  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Clever theme AND very well delivered that not only evokes reflective thought, but begs multiple re-reads for full impact. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Hidden Heart  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Hunter,
Congrats on the win. Didn't enter myself (probably a good thing as I'd likely still be picking up the pieces, *Smile*), but noticed it was you in results. So, figured it had to be a good one as you seldom if ever disappoint. Poem was exceptional, poignant, yet softly inviting to the reader with good use of effective, yet layman's words that enable the reader to not only absorb the moment, but more likely share much of the same observations and emotions. That's why we all write, eh? Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Stumbled on this via random read and review, and at first was hooked as I had never seen such an item as this outside the bio section; thus inspired intrigue, and was hooked. Couldn't stop but wonder if this was for real, or a very clever way of roping in a reader and leave them perplexed as I am at this point. Hence, an interesting piece while mission accomplished as a writer.

ONE outstanding segment made the hairs stand on end... For starters, not only am I actually a Bouchard myself, from northern New England originally, but it was when I reached your "Background" segment that made me go: "wow!". For me, it was a serious N.H. beach injury requiring 5 years of therapy to recover that negated my farm team contract with the Red Sox while still in high school; but did move on later in life to finally make the pros in hockey... which, should you care to indulge, prompts me to share an eerie parallel with one of the first items
STATIC
HARDLY HEATHENS  (ASR)
Societal bigotry, intolerance, and hypocrisies put to rest
#1709041 by DRSmith
I had written as WDC member.

Back to your item... only a mere suggestion for what it's worth, but to me, your multiple reference to your implying of being "overly friendly or sexual" tends to stand out, to somewhat detract from an overall interesting personality and the item's style and format.. ok to make a brief point and leave it at that, but to me, the repetitive reference tends to be over done, or override other characteristics which could lead one to envision your demeanor in more of an unfavorable, overbearing or stalking type bent when it could be nothing more than a result of natural shock and loneliness over the loss of your wife; your soul mate.

Your new friend,
DRSmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by DRSmith
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, well well... not sure how to react, so thought I'd simply let you know the sequence which prompted me to stop, look, and listen.

The title...yeah, the title first caught my eye that got me to thinking even before I opened the link. "Hmm, you don't suppose this guy wrote about... yep, sure as s*** did."

And once in, wasn't sure if in my taste to warrant a continued full read, but you got me... especially after the second thought that flashed into my mind: "good, thought so... White's a guy." I could better relate after conjuring up all sorts of skank images, figuring only a guy could find inspiration from such a heap.

Moving on, a smirk appeared throughout, so you managed to not only keep me slippin' and slidin' with imagery, but evoked comedic emotion. It's what we artisans of the craft aspire to achieve with audiences, yes?

I think what really helps with the topic, is the metered rhyming scheme and you did a brilliant, unforced job of putting together the entire piece with flow, timing, and enough to induce and maintain comedic tone.

Only one spot, for sharing and not critique, you might want to consider an edit... and that is with respect to your last stanza
I flushed it's slippery carcass down
Its face did vanish with a frown (I'd suggest: and watched it vanish with a frown)
A nasty tale for me to spin
I'll never eat fried squid again! *Monster1*
Reasoning being, this last stanza offers not only an ending, but a closing relief for the reader as well. So, since it be you who flushed, and proffered such a nasty tale, I think it would seem less forced if you take that frown from your beastly creation and plant on your own face. You take credit for the resolution.

Therefore, my artist friend, you're quite the accomplished poetic pusher of the pen as well as the brush from what I saw on your website as well. I may be partial to humorous poetry, but good job... eh, on both counts. And by the way, I'll likely never eat calamari again as another cluster of images are sure to superimpose themselves over the menu. LOL
DRSmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh my god... what a groaner, but the clever kind that manages to still hit the humor button. A fun read, especially picturing the owlets so attentive and filled with self-gratitude when correctly assessing the moral. Yes, you managed to evoke a chick chuckle at the end, so mission accomplished. I couldn't leave without leaving a thumbs up. Well done for the day's smirk.
drsmith
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, far be it from me who grew up doing long division with a green lead pencil on recycled newsprint to know how to insert and use, but given your obvious skill surpassed only by your generous intent to serve our community, with gratitude I have to commend your efforts.
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Review of Monster Mash 2014  
for entry "Tall Tales
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Hunter,
I swear, not only are you good at the poetic craft of which I'm familiar with many of your pieces, but prolific. I envy that. With me, it's like driving on a flat tire. I have to be inspired as an idea eventually takes root between the ears.

At any rate, with so many garbage marathons on TV today, thought I'd wander about the WDC site; poking around tabs and corners I hadn't noticed before when I saw the tab for "reviews". Hence, I stopped to take a quick peek when I noticed I'd dropped a 1 star on one, which I don't remember never ever doing. "Hmm, must investigate" I whispered, and upon this spot I stumbled.

I have no idea what the purpose was at the time, but this little gem to me was precious, and not deserving of a 1 star. So if I somehow screw up the party flavor here, so be it. LOVED this perfect little, superbly written poem; it conveyed all the perfect imagery, well selected and placed words that work hard for the piece; perfect rhythm and pace that offered up a terrific ending that evoked an emotional response. I could empathize with all the characters for a satisfying perusal. Superbly done, and herewith my new rating, sire.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Sister Justice  
Review by DRSmith
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ok, Shannon, where do I start?
I’m so captivated by this piece, I hardly know where to begin. I've been so short of time lately that I haven't dropped a review in here for months. Even so when I do, it's usually because I'd stumbled on something that left me inspired, moved... both from an enviable demonstration of literary skill as well as superb content and theme. As such, your Sister Justice reeled me in which compelled me to bow to your literary brilliance. I've seen your stuff before, and you've never disappointed, but this one was a WOW, a BIG WOW from every angle.

Your opening hook and subsequent first couple/three paragraphs are some of most effective techniques I’ve ever seen in literature, even the classics. You not only NAILED the prompt, but did so in such a way as to really set the stage and then so effectively drove home the theme─ opening with a bam, bam, bam like pops from a 9mm, you unveil the whole enchilada, for example:
<< I observe. I eavesdrop. I follow. I confirm. I insinuate myself.>> followed by the brilliant way you slide your character to the forefront, allowing her to quantify her “innocent” driven motive behind such a powerful role; <<It all comes down to the shoes, you see.>> BRILLIANT!

Moving on, the manner in which you justified the character's intent on cleansing the nation of parasitic bastards that we all secretly want to expunge likewise, yet cleverly distinguishes herself from the true pathological “CRAZIES” is another example of genius.

There is a difference, however perplexing! Your readers will identify with the theme─ as why Charles Bronson’s “Death Wish” series became such a big hit, or how moviegoers cheered Dirty Harry who defied the establishment and did away with the “punks” who dared challenge his logic vs the real nemesis of society.

I could go on and on but don’t need to. However, if I had to offer anything in the way of constructive critique, it’s only with your apparent need to feel you had to insert an Author’s Note at the end. After such a powerful and superbly delivered read, the Note let me down though I sensed it was coming (the ol' PC caveat leaked through, I guess?)

Nevertheless for what it’s worth, I’d suggest you delete the Note. Your effort is so strong, so effective as a literary piece, I say let the readers who truly know you’re an accomplished author; who know that its clearly driven by a deliberate prompt; and that there’s no doubt it’s a FICTION and not a personal essay… to let them enjoy the read, its theme, its empathetic tone to its fullest.

We can see that Sister Justice is NOT a WDC Bluecase expressing latent desires, but merely a character who has successfully exposed the degradation of societal integrity since The Great Depression… the emasculation of a once proud, hard-working people filled with hopes and dreams of a future, yet instilled with an unshakable moral character and dignity no matter their fate or level of poverty (such as portrayed in two classics: The Grapes of Wrath and The Cinderella Man) of only two generations past.

I’d venture to guess this piece will indeed stir a basket of inner frustrations shared by the majority, fearing the nation has morphed into a bloated society trying to stay aloft on stubby wings flailing against the headwinds of rising PC bullshit. But, once again I say, let them enjoy the literary high and screw the mindless idiots who may amble by with naive indoctrinated comments smothered in socialistic crap that has never worked in the history of any nation.

I LOVED IT! And for my money, I’d say 99% of those who “can read”, will feel likewise. It should win the contest, by far, as I remain...

forever one of your biggest fans,
DRSmith
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
WOW! I love it, love it. Flash fiction as it is by itself I find to be quite an interesting challenge for introducing a story, characters, setting, emotion, climax, and theme all within the space of a cereal box cover, and all the while offering a pace that remains unforced and riveting.

This little gem accomplishes it all. The intro immediately painted a clear picture, including the ability to figure things out in context. The entire story quickly took shape as it was well delivered in its own right, but when the closing event unfolded, my nanosecond thoughts expected little Rose was in for a crude dude pummeling, or worse... but the wham, bam, thank you ma'am took a swift shift which uncorked her true identity. Wow, what a punch; she's the rare, Black Rose... of death. What a twist, and the metaphorical method by which she unveiled her name was brilliant... the capture of his soul with the softness of a delicate kiss. Love it. Wish I had wrote it.
DRSmith
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Review of Heart Song  
Review by DRSmith
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Figured it would be a good one as most often then not, one can usually depend on your poetry to be superb... well crafted and balanced and composed with meaningful, insightful, and cohesive in theme leaving the reader feeling fulfilled versus force-fed. This piece, as "simple" as you say it is, I found to have all the skillful ingredients alluded to above. The only thing to me, and merely from a personal perspective and not critique, is the title. As strong as the entire poem conveyed a terrific theme any of us can relate to, the title left me feeling just a mere gram of an ounce short of total fineness.

My thoughts being that many will argue titles can be, and often are, just as crucial to a piece whether for reeling in a reader's roaming eye, and/or of leaving them with a sense of satisfaction, a sense of completeness as the title subliminally lingers transparent to the words as perused throughout the discourse. That said, for what its worth... perhaps something directed more toward the climactic effort of "reaching inward", of successfully embracing the creative juices of the subconscious for resolving fleeting dilemmas of a skilful wordsmith.... What could it be if at all considered for edit? Lord knows, but you're definitely talented enough to craft a fitting home run if so inspired.... ie, a few combos of words for giggles and grins... The Subliminal Scribe... The Soulful Song of Words... The Ephemeral Soul of Words, or of a Wordsmith, or whatever. Merely ideas for sharing and not a critique as it still has overall oomph as it stands.

all the best
drsmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of #bestvacationever  
Review by DRSmith
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Here's an Instagram for you, too... Tweet, blip, diddle toggle and diddly do, DOT com... yeah baby. Of course falling behind the winner and place in the humorous poetry contest, I had to see what I was missing. So, in keeping with a genuine congratulations for your 2nd, which in my humble opinion, should have displaced the winner's "joke" versus your true to form poetic rendition, I thought it was not only a good job in the drafting, but you managed to effectively and humorously deliver conformity to a theme, by capturing every nuance of our current digitalized thumbamablottering acronymphomanical culture. No need to say more that the stars can say for me. Well done.
drsmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Monster Mash 2014  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
diddit, dude
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Review of Monster Mash 2014  
for entry "Tall Tales
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ok, I bit... knowing your talents as I do, I figured for a good read and wasn't disappointed. Overall, a neat little piece with all the warm and fuzzy flavoring it was intended to be while entertaining the reader... sort of like a xmas poem. You did well to paint a picture of not only scene, but the obvious warmth and love a man has for his family... you captured the readers imagination and delivered a smile sharing the kids reactions, as well as consequences at the end for a fulfilling read. It's what we all strive for, eh... reaching out to, keeping, and satisfying our audiences.

not critique, but merely sharing a few thoughts for what they're worth, meant to inspire thoughts to be considered at your discretion.... but in playing around with a couple segment's wording, take a look at the following...see if it rolls off the tongue a little smoother, but still keeps with your flow and glow

I smugly snicker at the door. "smugly" snicker to me, tends to read a little awkward... maybe: I softly snicker, I stifle snickers
I take a breath and “Boo!” I roar. and take a breath, a BOO! I roar.
Screams and shouts from their mouths pour in lieu of "shouts", perhaps squeals and screams from little ones pour
in chaos that I can’t ignore. rid "that", add a little alit...? ie: causing chaos I can't ignore

They hit the door which bumps my head
as they run pell-mell for my bed .... as they dash a beeline for my bed?
and burrow deep beneath the spread,
the peaceful night now filled with dread. replace "the" with "their" ?

Ah well, while sharing a cuppa, friend to friend, mere thoughts for a job well done.
drsmith
25
25
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cute little tale, and yes, I too was envisioning a castle structure of sorts until toward the end, my imagination kicked in and suspected it was indeed, a septic tank. You've captured the essence of the prompt, AND of what a wildly imaginative little one would likely convert most anything to a "thing of wonder". Good job. For what it's worth, and bear in mind, I'm nowhere near critiquing free verse, but thought of a few things while reading through it which might... MIGHT mind you, help the tongue roll along a little easier while not changing your format or story. So for what it's worth, from Friend to Fyn, here's a few considerations for tighteners....

Newly seven year old eyes Pop! open,..... the word, "newly" threw me...kept me coming back to it trying to cipher it's placement..in other words, it interrupted my literary vision out the chute. MIGHT want to reconsider...something akin to: A slumbering seven-year-old eyes popped... open!

Nightgown flapping, bare feet sliding across dew-wet grass,...... here, "dew-wet" seems awkward to the tongue... slows pace; try ...across sliding from the mornin' dew?
I ran out to see my very own round castle turret.... and here, i think if eliminate "to see" (which is implied as she already saw... you might paint a little strong picture leading up the its reality...ie: something akin to... I ran to my very own castle, with a giant turret


I pretended my way.................................. here, the following word "imagine" captures the action... so I'd suggest flower it up here, like with "fancied" instead of the redundant, triple syllable "pretended"
through every fairy tale I could imagine.


lumbered down the road, I plotted with the wizard............ here, "down the road" could imply "away from, irrelevant, etc... try bringing it into her mind as something of threat... something akin to: ......lumbered closer, I plotted...
to create a spell of vanishing. It was coming very close.... followed by; "ever" in place of "very"
to my castle, its steel, sharp toothed jaw menacing............. maybe "jagged-toothed"
It ignored me, proceeding to dig a vast hole in the earth.......... in keeping with the imagination... maybe: proceeding to gulp vast bites from the earth?

My father, the king, came out, sat on the castle wall........... same as above... reverse the opening...ie: The King, my father came out and sat...
to tell me a story. The beast was digging the hole to.......... was gouging a hole

to bury my magical haven? It's magic only worked underground,.......... only to avoid too close a duplication... suggest changing "magical" to something like "enchanting", fanciful, mystical, divining



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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