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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ejoshmo
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8 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
The purpose of my reviews is to give honest, unbiased feedback in hopes that you can take something away from it that will improve your writing. As such, they will be brutally honest, but I'm just as honest and forth giving with positive feedback and praise! I don't sugarcoat, but I'm not unkind. However, if you're here to have someone tell you that it's great and nice without giving you any actual criticisms, this isn't where you want to be. Constructive Criticism is the name of the game! Note: I don't just review, I will edit and/or provide suggestions as well upon request (or if you don't specify that you don't want edits).
I'm good at...
Being constructive and uplifting, spelling and grammar edits (including sentence structure and syntax), complete and objective honesty.
Favorite Genres
My favorite genres would have to be dark comedy, cerebral thrillers, fantasy, and sci-fi.
Least Favorite Genres
Least favorite genres would be poetry and horror, but that doesn't mean I've never read one I loved! I'm also not who you want to review any heavily religion-based works.
I will not review...
I'll say that while I will review poetry, I'm not someone you want to ask about the rules and format of poetry. I'll review poetry based solely on imagery, how it made me feel, and the message I thought you were trying to get across. There's probably nothing I just absolutely wouldn't review, but if it falls into my least favorite genres, the story had better be engaging! ;)
Public Reviews
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Review of Live to Die  
Review by MjoShmo
Rated: E | (4.5)
As always, this is just one person's opinion.


🌟🌟🌟


A good review, while being used to polish or improve your current work, should also inspire new ideas and give you something to chew on for later works. Constructive Criticism is the name of the game!

I'll start by saying I probably know less than your average 10th grader when it comes to the "rules" and format for poetry. I should probably add that to my review page.... Anyway, due to my lack of experience with that, I'll be judging this based solely on how it made me feel and my overall impression.


πŸƒFirst Impression: My first impression was: I love this! I'm a sucker for dark and angsty writing, and this definitely checks those boxes. It was thought-provoking as well. I love writing that I have to chew on, rather than it being spoon-fed to me. A few parts were a bit too cryptic for the overall theme, but that might just be me.

πŸƒPlot: As you can see, my template is set up for prose :P
I guess I'll talk about the overall story that I think you were trying to tell with this piece. I think it's a very real and gritty look at all of the struggles that can come with daily life. As someone who's suffered from depression and anxiety almost my entire life: Big Mood (I can definitely relate). The juxtapositions highlighted the duality of human nature and life itself in a way that made it very raw but somehow comforting at the same time. To live means to persevere, even when we don't want to or feel like we can't. It left me feeling a bit unsettled (which I love).


πŸƒCharacters/dialog: Move along, nothing to see here *Reading*



πŸƒWhat I Liked: I found the juxtapositions interesting. They threw me off at first in a few places, like "happily saddened eyes" and "nude as an artist's palette", but after the second or third read-through, I could see the big picture and I understood what you were doing there. I thought it was a clever device.

I also loved how this made me *feel* while I was reading it. I could close my eyes and feel every line in my gut.

"whimpering courage" was my favorite part by far. It gave me chills.






🌱Grammar/spelling: There was nothing that I saw, other than "unshamed". I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be "unashamed" or if that was intentional.

🌱Suggestions: There was only one part that I couldn't get to make sense in my head: "happily saddened eyes caress sockets of heroism". I wasn't sure what sentiment "heroism" represented in that juxtaposition.



🌳- And last but not least: You put yourself out there, and that's great! No success comes without risk. Great job, and keep writing! β™₯ -🌳


With Love,

M


"Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." - G. K. Chesterton





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by MjoShmo
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing your story. "Please, Don't Move" I hope you find my comments helpful!


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful. The sole purpose of my reviews is to give honest feedback that will help you grow as a writer! That's why we're all here, right?



First Impressions:
While the story was immediately intriguing, I was often more confused and/or out of place than intrigued. However, the twist was nice and unexpected!


Plot:
The plot could have used a few more details, I feel. I felt a bit as if I had been dropped into an empty space and was trying to piece together an image in front of me, rather than being in the room with it. I would try showing more of your detail through the character's perspective and senses. However, the pacing definitely picked up towards the end (once things started to come from your character's experience, rather than an omnipotent viewpoint). Overall great premise!



Characters:
I like Mark. He is a man of mystery and intrigue. But like talking to women in a bar, the reader might need a bit more to go on. We know his hair and eye color, but not much else. We know he's tired because we can see the bags under his eyes, but how does he feel about that? Is he drained from working on the project and can't wait to go to sleep? Is he feeling determined to finish and just found his second win? When he gets scared, does he begin to shake and breathe heavy? Is his heart beating fast? Is any of this making him angry or frustrated, since it's broken his focus? You've hinted at the existence of human emotion in him with the tear at the end. The reader feels the story through your character. Breathe a little more life into him :)



Climax:
What can I say? It left me wanting more (which is always a good thing)! I'd love to know more about the "newfound identity" that predated this experience. Had he just gotten used to who he was? How new was this identity? Why did losing it make him cry? The visual of the wires and circuits under his skin was deeply unsettling, which is what you want out of horror, but I think you can make the reader care much more, be much more afraid, and much more sad for the loss of the main character. Give us more of that!


Suggestions:
I think I've covered most of my suggestions in the previous sections, but I'll try to give a more succinct summary here:

1. Give the readers more details to chew on, preferably through the character's point of view. Show don't tell!
2. Give your character emotions and mannerisms that the reader can identify with. That's how you make your readers really care about what is happening.
3. If you've done a good job building your character, the climax should fall into place fairly easily. You have a great skeleton, just add some meat!
4. I'll also add: you might consider being a bit more conservative with your commas. Commas in places where they aren't required can be disorienting and distracting for the reader. Don't be afraid to break up those incomplete phrases into two full sentences, or to rewrite the sentence entirely to eliminate the need for run-ons.



Parting Comments:
An intriguing story overall, and I'd love to know more about the story you're telling! Making the reader want more means the hard part is out of the way ;) Good job, and keep writing!

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Review of Monkey Business  
Review by MjoShmo
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was hilarious, and a great twist! Didn't see it coming. Your voice is clear and concise while entertaining. A+, great work!
4
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Review of Angel of Death  
Review by MjoShmo
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall impression: Wow. This is one of those multi-layered pieces that I absolutely adore. The tone of the piece is somehow humorous at first glance, but after the last sentence sinks in, it really packs an emotional wallop-especially for such a short piece.

Greatest strength: I think the fact that you were able to form an emotional connection with the reader in so few words is a fantastic skill that can easily be translated into larger works. You were actually able to make me feel like a terrible person for laughing at this person's pain, but not until it was too late. And then you made me want to read it again. And then again a third time, and I got something different out of it each time.

Favorite part: I love the mystery involved in the angel's statement "wrong again". I couldn't help but wonder how many times this particular angel had been wrong, and had they been wrong more than once for this particular character? I can already see these characters coming alive in my head. The bumbling Angel of Death who just can't seem to ever get it right, being written up by his boss and getting made fun of by the other angels. The morose and Eeyore-type protagonist who just can't seem to catch a break. He's been obsessed with death but every time the angel shows up, he's botched it again, and the angel's blunders are just ONE MORE THING to add to the pile of reasons he can be miserable. I can easily see this turning into an extremely entertaining short story, if not a novella.

Improvement needed: The use of the semicolon was a bit distracting. I personally hate them and think they should be avoided if at all possible, but that's just my opinion. However, if you can make it two sentences instead of using a semicolon, grammatically I think that is much cleaner. Another thing that stood out to me was the sentence "The pause seemed interminable." I'm definitely a fan of hyperbole if you use it effectively, and I think the word "interminable" is perfect here, but I would eliminate the word "seemed". If you're going to use hyperbole, go all the way and commit. I would replace "seemed" with "was" and I think that sentence will be much more effective.

Just my two cents. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece!

-Emily


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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