|Thank you for sharing your story. "Please, Don't Move" I hope you find my comments helpful!
These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful. The sole purpose of my reviews is to give honest feedback that will help you grow as a writer! That's why we're all here, right?
While the story was immediately intriguing, I was often more confused and/or out of place than intrigued. However, the twist was nice and unexpected!
The plot could have used a few more details, I feel. I felt a bit as if I had been dropped into an empty space and was trying to piece together an image in front of me, rather than being in the room with it. I would try showing more of your detail through the character's perspective and senses. However, the pacing definitely picked up towards the end (once things started to come from your character's experience, rather than an omnipotent viewpoint). Overall great premise!
I like Mark. He is a man of mystery and intrigue. But like talking to women in a bar, the reader might need a bit more to go on. We know his hair and eye color, but not much else. We know he's tired because we can see the bags under his eyes, but how does he feel about that? Is he drained from working on the project and can't wait to go to sleep? Is he feeling determined to finish and just found his second win? When he gets scared, does he begin to shake and breathe heavy? Is his heart beating fast? Is any of this making him angry or frustrated, since it's broken his focus? You've hinted at the existence of human emotion in him with the tear at the end. The reader feels the story through your character. Breathe a little more life into him :)
What can I say? It left me wanting more (which is always a good thing)! I'd love to know more about the "newfound identity" that predated this experience. Had he just gotten used to who he was? How new was this identity? Why did losing it make him cry? The visual of the wires and circuits under his skin was deeply unsettling, which is what you want out of horror, but I think you can make the reader care much more, be much more afraid, and much more sad for the loss of the main character. Give us more of that!
I think I've covered most of my suggestions in the previous sections, but I'll try to give a more succinct summary here:
1. Give the readers more details to chew on, preferably through the character's point of view. Show don't tell!
2. Give your character emotions and mannerisms that the reader can identify with. That's how you make your readers really care about what is happening.
3. If you've done a good job building your character, the climax should fall into place fairly easily. You have a great skeleton, just add some meat!
4. I'll also add: you might consider being a bit more conservative with your commas. Commas in places where they aren't required can be disorienting and distracting for the reader. Don't be afraid to break up those incomplete phrases into two full sentences, or to rewrite the sentence entirely to eliminate the need for run-ons.
An intriguing story overall, and I'd love to know more about the story you're telling! Making the reader want more means the hard part is out of the way ;) Good job, and keep writing!