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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/epicdreamer
Review Requests: OFF
47 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You tell them!

I was a free member I think for only my first year. Since then I've supported based on what spare funds I had. (BTW, I love love love, this year's Christmas pin. Wish I could buy all the ones I'm missing).

I love everything that you both made for writers like me. I only wish I found you sooner (WDC launched my senior year of high school).
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Review of Spring Morning  
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (4.5)
Feels like there is more of a hidden meaning than just the birth of spring. You start with a mother yelling at her son where the reason is unknown. Next the birds come in saying, why must you yell?

Sounds like a message of embracing everything including the beauty of our children which can disappear in the blink of an eye if we always face them with anger.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love when random reads gives me something older.

I could feel that the rain was simply his depression that came with the "loss" of a close friend. I felt the same way when my best friend's family got stationed in Germany. We still talk 15 years after the move, but not a day goes by that I do not wish she was closer.

Now if only I could write something so captivating in such few words.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Trayvon Martin  
Review by Sairyn Raine
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very touching poem. I don't understand how there are still people who feel he doesn't need to be locked up. A child was killed and I don't care if he was black, white, or purple. You killed a child, you don't deserve to be free! I only hope someone in that neighborhood has a camera phone recording because I know there is a lot not being told.

As a mother of two under the age of 5, I would be fighting tooth and nail for justice.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. They grow up to fast and when you want them to do something they can't, you later want them back to the way they were.

I remember baby talk all to well with my daughter. Now she will be 4 in July and has a large vocabulary. I find myself saying "I wish you didn't talk to much" when three years ago I was saying "I wish you could talk in sentences."

At one month my son has noticed ceiling fans. To them he is starting to "talk" to them just like his sister did. I don't know what is is with fans, but they sure do attract babies. I still wish I knew what he was "talking" to on the bookshelf earlier today.

I wish they would add a way for writers to activate a Facebook like button. I would love to share this with all my friends, 1/3 are currently parents and/or grandparents.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am glad the random generator brought me to this piece. Of course they always say to never trust anybody you meet in jail, but after so many years, you may think you can trust somebody.
Manny was very cunning to use his "friends" plot to escape as a means to gain his own freedom. I would have never thought to use the prompt words in that way.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Grammar has never been my strong point, so I focus on the heart of a story. I look down into the story to see how the plot and characters are developed. Do your characters sound real? Are their pieces to their background missing? Is the plot complete? Does is flow with consistency or jump around?
There is always room for improvement, and I am here to help you find any weak spots that may exist.


PLOT:
So deep, so dark. My husband is currently in a position where he just hates his boss. Thankfully, his dark side doesn't go this deep. But he does have some of the other employees against the guy.
The plot was so well played out, I can't see of any way to make it darker.

CHARACTERIZATION:
It makes me wonder if you did some research on these personalities. You could see how much of a hard worker Carlson is as well as his level of expertise in everything he does. He is so believable that I wish to never come across him.
Roger is the exact boss we all hate to have. I would have loved to see him crying hysterically though. *BigSmile*

FINAL PICTURE:
Why aren't you a yellow yet!? There was only one sentance that didn't sit right with me. It just seemed out of place with the tense of it.

The police don't come around until Tuesday when Santos can't make contact with Roger.

I would think: The police didn't come around until Tuesday when Santos couldn't make contact with Roger.

But than again, I fail at grammar.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank you for entering the "Free for all" round of "Invalid Item. I sincerely apologize for the delay as things that weren't expected to crowed my summer, did.
SFE if going to go through a revamp the next few weeks before a new round begins. So please check back mid-September.

First, I would like to remind you that I am not a grammar Nazi. All my reviews focus on plot and characterization. This will be the main focus of new rounds as well.

And we save the best for last. I wonder, how many people go day to day and actually wonder if what we see and do every day is actually real? I know I have thought this same thing a few times through out my life. I always wondered, is this really real? How do I know I am not in some sort of dream.

You get the golden star for pulling in your reader.
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Review of Echoes  
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering the "Free for all" round of "Invalid Item. I sincerely apologize for the delay as things that weren't expected to crowed my summer, did.
SFE if going to go through a revamp the next few weeks before a new round begins. So please check back mid-September.

First, I would like to remind you that I am not a grammar Nazi. All my reviews focus on plot and characterization. This will be the main focus of new rounds as well.

Your story resonates as a tale of both tragedy and life. It was interesting to see the animated drawings but sad once you find why they came to be. It would be interesting to see this as a longer tale to bring more to why it came to be and how he came to be able to bring life to his art. Possibly it's his tired and mournful mind playing tricks on him.
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Review of 12:34:56  
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering the "Free for all" round of "Invalid Item. I sincerely apologize for the delay as things that weren't expected to crowed my summer, did.
SFE if going to go through a revamp the next few weeks before a new round begins. So please check back mid-September.

First, I would like to remind you that I am not a grammar Nazi. All my reviews focus on plot and characterization. This will be the main focus of new rounds as well.

Your story intrigued me. I was pulled in with the mystical mechanics of the plot. A train that seemed to pull in people that it fancied and to keep them locked in for a suspension of eternity. Even though it was mostly dialogue, it told me everything I needed to know of where they were and what seemed to be happening.

You win a star in characterization.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Now I am starting to see a Military Sci-Fi in here! I marked one EP on this chapter. I am not the best "Grammar Nazi" out there, but I can catch the common mistakes.

While I am not military myself, my dad was and my brother is. I love how you used a Golden Glowing Eagle as the symbolism of his savior.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hard to tell if this is Fiction or Non-fiction. It could probably be classified as both as the events I know are real, but I wouldn't know if the characters were real.

They say "write what you know". Using the events that you personally experienced during your tour of military life, but changing the characters or even the world to something fictions, would make for a great Sci-Fi story.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Writing is a 6th sense for the majority here. It sounds like you are finding yours. Like you, my biggest fan is my mom as my daughter is too young to read. But each of us have at least one person rooting us on. One person interested in what we are writing, no matter how good or how bad.
That one person is all it takes for us to keep going.
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Review of Frustrate  
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sounds a bit like my husband in a way. He tends to get a bit frustrated easier than others and is working on other outlets instead of turning into "Hulk" as we call him.

While the syntax is a bit different than what I am used to when reading poetry, you put the point across. Keep practicing and doing as many of the daily exercise contests around site. You'll win some and lose many, but you will always win in gaining experience.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed the first chapter. It brings forth mystery with a twist of suspense.

The only part that I wasn't to keen on was the last paragraph. You are kind of giving away what the rest of the story is about, therefore, taking away all mystery.
I'd suggest either removing it all together, or revising it to continue the mysterious feel.

Other than that, I can't wait for the rest.
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Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the story that you have created; however, some format chances can be done to allow it to read better.
I would advise using quotation marks around the dialogue so that it stands out more. Without it, it becomes a bit difficult to know when a character is speaking.

I did not catch any other grammatical errors other than punctuation in the dialogue. Everything else flows very nicely.
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Review of Butterflies Die  
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wish I had the notes to go along with the lyrics so I can feel more of it.
It reads as very emotional and deep.
Part of it makes me imagine a mischievous child tormenting helpless insects; but on the other side, there are images of a torn lost adult soul appear as well.
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Review of Mirror World  
Review by Sairyn Raine
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I can see an interesting story forming. However, I would suggest changing your rating to PG13 over E. This isn't really something a child under 12 should read.

I would suggest starting a new paragraph for each new sentence of dialogue. This makes for easier reading and also allows the dialogue to flow better.

Would like to come back to see how the story unfolds.
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