All thoughts shared in this review are the opinions of a fellow author who is not a critic, an editor or a literary professor. Please consider yourself welcome to take them with whatever grain of salt you find appropriate, and reject anything you disagree with, without fear of bruising my feelings. We Norsemen come equipped with thick hides.
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Nice slice of life piece. Not what I expected from the title (and I am not saying that as a bad thing!!) In my book, you've achieved the real goal; I'll be coming back to read more from your port.
Plot and Characters:
Of course a short piece like this (my counter says 662 words) is not going to have most of the textbook plot elements. Even so, you have worked in a definite conflict, problem, setback and resolution in less than three print pages, and a taste of personality for the characters. My only negative here is that the resolution comes a little too quickly. This is more a pacing issue than story mechanics.
You've focused almost entirely on plot and characters, so you ended up a little weak here. There are a few nice touches (the hospital smell via the complaint of the kid sister was a great example of 'show, don't tell'!) and in a short piece you're wise to avoid purple patches as you have, but I would suggest sneaking just a couple more setting details. If you work them into the section between the fall and Dad showing up with sandwiches, it would help with the pacing issue I mentioned.
Just My Personal Opinion!:
I suggest you check off the “Double Space Paragraphs” selection on the create item / edit item form. Online prose is eminently more readable this way.
You have the nominative “Dad” uncapitalized in several cases. Endearments like 'Honey' and 'Squirt' should also be capitalized. Plus, a few edits for you:
“You don't have to make an impression, they already know us!”
“You don't have to make an impression. They already know us!”
“Yeah, definitely. I'm like, so worried abut it. Really.”
“Yeah, definitely. I'm like, so worried about it. Really.”
It was a bad fracture, and she had to staying the hospital for a few days.
It was a bad fracture, and she had to stay in the hospital for a few days.
“Thanks hone,y that makes me feel loads better,”
“Thanks, Honey. That makes me feel loads better,”
“Thanks honey,” mo said, smiling wanly. “But its just not the same.”
“Thanks, Honey,” Mom said, smiling wanly, “but it's just not the same.”
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