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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ewstryker
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17 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: E | (3.0)
I take from this, that English may not be your first language. In that case, keep practicing; you're off to a great start!

I'm not entirely sure the point you're trying to make here. The title says, "All Richs should help the poor."
I'm guessing you meant that "All of the rich should help the poor," is that correct?
If so, the content you've written does not follow the title. What I gather from what you've written is that you believe that most rich people do help the poor.

Keep practicing your English and you'll have it mastered in no time. Also, continue thinking about things like this, it's important to put focus on helping others in the world around us.
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Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting take. I could see this conversation happening between a pair of kids.
I don't know what the requirements were for the contest, but I always feel that creating some kind of identifier is important. I don't know which child is talking at any given point. While he said/she said gets redundant and would be boring in a dialogue, descriptive follow-ups are always a good way to go. You can show us what each child is doing as they converse, bringing a little bit more life and individuality to each of them.
Good job on this.
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Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: E | (5.0)
My one recommendation for this, is that you do some editing on your punctuation. There are a few points where a sentence should have a comma, but doesn't.

I feel like you've experienced a different monsoon than I have, nonetheless, this still brings me back to the summers in the Southwest. The smells and sights are fascinating during a monsoon. All of the animals you didn't know were around you flock to your door for shelter. Then the flora gets new life as its inundated with rain. You did an amazing job bringing that to life and filling my head with vivid memories of the past.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
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Review of Running from Time  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was, unfortunately, very difficult to read. Commas are your friend. They will help break up sentences, while keeping the flow.

The dialogue also felt very forced and robotic. Think about how you actually speak and try to write your dialogue like that. It can be very hard to do. I often find myself hating dialogue I've written for this very same reason.
There are also a few random words thrown in, where I think you may have done some partial-editing, or had a couple words in mind and ended up using both.
"Star deployed dropped"

As for identifying tags in the dialogue, I would suggest you consider using some description as follow up. The idea that you use some he said/she said and then nothing at else is a little jarring to read. If there's no context around each piece of dialogue, then a reader can't know what's going on.
Also, if you used some description after or before each piece of dialogue, you would add another level of depth and interaction with the story. (You sort of do this at a few points, but more would be good.)

All-in-all, I like where you're trying to go with the content on this. The ideas that you've built up are sound and the, sort of, moral concept of the writing is good, but you should go back and do a bit of editing to make it more readable.
Keep on writing and you can take these ideas to another level.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Tempest  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
One minor grammatical thing, I would include a comma like this: "We toughed it out, we did!"
I would also consider reducing your use of exclamations. I understand that you're attempting to create a sense of urgency and danger, but your writing is already doing a great job of this.
You did well painting the picture of a storm at sea with this writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Strip Tease  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha!
The perfect build-up to a great comedic conclusion.
Keeping this story at 100 words and still being able to tell so much; great job. You can really see his excitement as he's going through their house, finding the articles of clothing and the notes. And the picture of his disappointment, looking down at his work clothes, the work to be done and the final note.
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Review of Hungry  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dialogue is not an easy thing to do well. There's a lot of balance between the different aspects of it.
While the content of the dialogue itself is fine, the lack of further description leaves me wondering. How many people/creatures/whatever it is are conversing?
Having things more defined would help make a more clear picture.
The only things you really gain from this are that Amanda is unconscious and some amount of somethings are debating how to eat her.
If you added more detail around the environment, the things discussing how to cook her and gave a more full death, this would be a lot more frightening.
Good job with the dark talk of how to cook a person.
8
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Review of The red ring  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Fischer. This was an interesting, short read.
The first thing that jumps out at me, is your use of quotations. When a question is fully formed within quotations, you should have a question mark there.
"Will you marry me?" Grant blurted...

The next set I see is separating grand from it's noun. grandson, granddaughter. You should also be hyphenating great-grandson.

Alpha Centauri should be capitalized.

Close your sentence, "Then every thing went black."

When your quotation is preceded by a he said/she said, then you should be using a comma. I am also unsure why the ellipsis are being used. I would drop them and capitalize Police.
When she turned on the TV, the announcer said, "Police are currently looking for...

I don't want to pick this apart too much, but I think doing some grammatical editing would be very beneficial and make this piece easier to read.

I would love to see you go into some detail about what happened between him asking her to get married and her alleged death, or what the follow-up is, now that she's watched the news.
I'm afraid the details are too vague to really capture the whole picture you're trying to paint.

Keep it going, because you clearly have a good horror/mystery story that you've set up here!
9
9
Review of Mirror: Prologue  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A few things I noticed in this that you may want to look at revising.
"Natalie, I am surprised to see any cops around. As far as I knew they are all dead."
The second sentence she says reads weird. Maybe something like
As far as I knew, they had all died. As far as I knew, they were all dead.
You see what I mean?

Second thing, and really, I'm nitpicking with this and what I said prior.
Where Hunter explains that his battery died to Natalie has an odd sequence. If you want the back and forth dialogue, I would suggest:
I was driving to an award ceremony before the storm hit. -> Can we use it to get out of here? -> No, the battery died and it was stolen.
You could also have a natural elaboration on who stole it here (according to Hunter's perspective), since it was previously left more vague. IF you're wanting to describe things more, that is.

The final thing, I realize this is just a prologue, so you will have a lot more, but it is also where you want to get someone hooked. You call these things "the monster version of his shadow." And you say, "The bullet impacts the shadow and it's form distorts, turning in to some form of a monster."
What is the monster? What is he seeing? You can go the Lovecraftian route and leave things vague and unclear, but even if you do that, you should still give the monster some kind of emotional tie!
You have set up describing the monster as the hook, from how I'm reading this, so I'd like to know a little bit more about the appearance of the monster when it transforms.

Really, I'm being nitpicky, like I said. You did great. I'm excited to read more of this.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: E | (3.5)
I would suggest that you look into other types of rhyme schemes. End rhymes would usually be done in certain types of poetry. I think, considering the content, you may want to think about other types of poetry that may fit better.
If you made it more playful, and added another line to each, you could continue the end rhyme and create a limerick.
Maybe modify it to fit as a slant rhyme?

The content is good, but I think it doesn't quite fit with the style you went with.
Have fun and keep writing.
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Review of Chats  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha! That's great. The story starts off with a good back-and-forth, slowly becoming this outlandish tale. It gets worse and worse (I mean that in the best way). Then, when you think it's about to get to this weird point, you get the twist at the end.
You should use this as an example in all of your future writing. It is the perfect length for the content, if it was much longer, you'd likely lose the reader because of the unexplained absurdity. If it were shorter, you would lose the satisfaction at the end.
Great job.
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Review of Disagreements  
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the comedy in this. The idea of their argument ending like this, after a series of small disasters.
It gives a sense of two close friends, who have probably been in a similar situation countless times. As a reader, it's easy to picture what is happening and follow the series of events. And, as I stated early on, it's comical and fun.
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Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this. The use of the words you do know, signifying that you have at least put in the effort, combined with the understanding that there are a lot of words you do not know, for example, your last lines: "It still bothers me to know: Inuit's have a hundred words for snow... - and I can only think of four!"
This really shows the struggle we all have. Is there really any amount of education that could satisfy our desires to know more? With the evolution of language, can we even keep up? Your writing brings on a lot of questions for the reader, as well as creates a connection between you, the writer and them. Not just because of the writing, but in the broad sense of things that we may not know, or don't know as well as we'd like.
All-in-all, a great read and exceptional musings.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by E.W. Stryker
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very interesting. I really enjoy the mystery at the beginning. I had no idea what was going on for the first few paragraphs, but it slowly revealed itself.
You made a mistake that we all tend to make, which is grammatical. A few commas missing and some semi-colons.
One spelling error as well in this sentence: "loosening up her fist and taking calming breathes as she picked up strands of work."
Breaths, not breathes.
Very good overall.
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