Standing on a cliff in an undulating landscape– this can be. I can think of examples, but would need more details for that to really make sense. The ruins juxtaposed to the rest of the landscape, so long as they are a single ruin spot, makes sense and helps them stand out.
You use was/were over 30 times in this. I'm not saying they can't or shouldn't be used, but consider doing control/command f and look at each one to see if the sentence would be stronger if worded differently.
"With every step, Kael felt a growing connection to the past, a sense of belonging that he had never experienced before. Growing up, he had always struggled to control his magical abilities, which manifested in sudden, violent bursts of electricity. This unpredictable power had left him isolated, unable to form lasting connections with others for fear of causing them harm. But here, amidst the echoes of a time, Kael felt at home.
" This seems like a good place to make sure you are showing, rather than telling. What is a "violent burst of electricity?" What fear and harm?
I don't see a hook early enough. A prologue works a little different than the story would, but you still want to have something that really grabs the reader early on (within the first few hundred words is ideal). Spice up your description of the scenery or show us something that makes the magic of your world unique & interesting.
I think you have a good start to your story. Polish things up a bit and remember– fantasy, all fantasy, requires a lot of great and cleverly worded description of almost everything. Keep going.
I take from this, that English may not be your first language. In that case, keep practicing; you're off to a great start!
I'm not entirely sure the point you're trying to make here. The title says, "All Richs should help the poor."
I'm guessing you meant that "All of the rich should help the poor," is that correct?
If so, the content you've written does not follow the title. What I gather from what you've written is that you believe that most rich people do help the poor.
Keep practicing your English and you'll have it mastered in no time. Also, continue thinking about things like this, it's important to put focus on helping others in the world around us.
Interesting take. I could see this conversation happening between a pair of kids.
I don't know what the requirements were for the contest, but I always feel that creating some kind of identifier is important. I don't know which child is talking at any given point. While he said/she said gets redundant and would be boring in a dialogue, descriptive follow-ups are always a good way to go. You can show us what each child is doing as they converse, bringing a little bit more life and individuality to each of them.
Good job on this.
One minor grammatical thing, I would include a comma like this: "We toughed it out, we did!"
I would also consider reducing your use of exclamations. I understand that you're attempting to create a sense of urgency and danger, but your writing is already doing a great job of this.
You did well painting the picture of a storm at sea with this writing.
Haha!
The perfect build-up to a great comedic conclusion.
Keeping this story at 100 words and still being able to tell so much; great job. You can really see his excitement as he's going through their house, finding the articles of clothing and the notes. And the picture of his disappointment, looking down at his work clothes, the work to be done and the final note.
Hello Fischer. This was an interesting, short read.
The first thing that jumps out at me, is your use of quotations. When a question is fully formed within quotations, you should have a question mark there. "Will you marry me?" Grant blurted...
The next set I see is separating grand from it's noun. grandson, granddaughter. You should also be hyphenating great-grandson.
Alpha Centauri should be capitalized.
Close your sentence, "Then every thing went black."
When your quotation is preceded by a he said/she said, then you should be using a comma. I am also unsure why the ellipsis are being used. I would drop them and capitalize Police. When she turned on the TV, the announcer said, "Police are currently looking for...
I don't want to pick this apart too much, but I think doing some grammatical editing would be very beneficial and make this piece easier to read.
I would love to see you go into some detail about what happened between him asking her to get married and her alleged death, or what the follow-up is, now that she's watched the news.
I'm afraid the details are too vague to really capture the whole picture you're trying to paint.
Keep it going, because you clearly have a good horror/mystery story that you've set up here!
I would suggest that you look into other types of rhyme schemes. End rhymes would usually be done in certain types of poetry. I think, considering the content, you may want to think about other types of poetry that may fit better.
If you made it more playful, and added another line to each, you could continue the end rhyme and create a limerick.
Maybe modify it to fit as a slant rhyme?
The content is good, but I think it doesn't quite fit with the style you went with.
Have fun and keep writing.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ewstryker
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 9:16am on May 10, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "