I’m not much of a poet, but I try to analyse poetic pieces as if I know what I’m talking about. Fake it until you make it, right? Hopefully I come up with something you can use, but if you think I’m wrong, I probably am. I also include my responses as a reader. These are honest and introspective, so even if the rest of my critique is complete nonsense, you should get some idea of what effect your writing has on people.
My responses:
To the first, I felt wonderment. Simple words in an arrangement I’d never considered. It made me look at a tiny bit of life in a different way. It also inspires thoughtfulness, as the consequences of this new perspective are not obvious.
To the second, I struggled to find the hidden meaning. The violence of the first two lines conflicted nicely with the broodiness of the third. The interpretation I came up with was something to do with blaming people who are apparently calm for the violence of others—eg the rich politely taking advantage of the poor and thus indirectly causing a riot. However, this seemed like a stretch, and more a reflection of what I already thought than a new thought inspired by the poem. It didn’t feel as effortlessly enthralling as the first one.
The third is even more puzzling, but in a good way this time. It’s like a riddle, and it was quite fun to figure out what it meant. My train of thought:
‘Concentric rings’ hints at a tree, but ‘pink’ doesn’t seem to fit that, and wait, is ‘rings’ a verb? ‘Universe’ on edge…everyone? Or not everyone? Maybe a small universe, like an ecosystem? Or the universe according to some self-centered subject? ‘On edge’…could that have a double meaning? A literal edge? What fingers unlocking what door? As you might have noticed, I’m not so great with the riddles. I’m not so sure that matters, though. There was enough in it to be interesting and stimulating even if I didn’t understand, and I think that’s what ‘cryptic’ poetry should do.
Connection:
I’ve responded to each haiku as separate poems, because that’s how they read to me. I was unable to see how they related to eachother, or whether they were meant to. By the title, ‘3 haiku,’ I would say that’s how what you intended. If they ARE meant to be connected, perhaps you could hint to what connects them in the title or description. As it stands, the description doesn’t tell me much—it’s a familiar quote from somewhere, but I don’t know where, and I don’t really understand how it ties in to the content.
Descriptions:
I noticed in the first haiku, you didn’t attempt to paint a picture. There were no colours, like the other two, no vivid scenes. However, it was the tuning fork that I had the clearest image of in my head. I think that’s part of what makes it really shine—the noun speaks for itself, rather than relying on more detail to bring it to life.
Form:
I notice you’ve stuck stringently to the 5-7-5 syllable pattern. Based on the results, I’m guessing that the restrictions helped you to be creative. So, while the rigidity is clearly not a bad thing, I am much more impressed with the other aspects of the haiku form, which you’ve also done excellently:
All three have a distinct ‘turn’ in the final line. This is most apparent in the second one, with the tone shift, and in the first, where you provide an alternative answer. It’s less obvious in the third, but I think it’s still there.
Haiku does not include rhyme or meter, but that does not mean it should not sound good. I think you’ve used irregularities to your advantage. There places where it approaches where it approaches meter, as in “when crushed against the shoreline,” but it’s never enough to make me stumble when it ends. They all end firmly, soundwise, and feel well wrapped up. Basically, sounds good. Praise!
Things to consider:
You might consider using line breaks in different places rather than the comma in the first haiku. It would mess up the nice syllable pattern, but I don’t think it would be detrimental to the overall impression. Of course, I like it with the comma as well. Just something to experiment with when you’re feeling rebellious.
I enjoyed reading your poems very much. The first, especially, stood out as beautiful, simple, and insightful, and a perfect example of what a haiku should be. The creative and combinations of images in the last haiku were engaging in a different way. If you had more poems in your portfolio I’d definitely want to read them.
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