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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fuma2311
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5 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Star To Star  
Review by BunBun
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello there! I love the image that you're creating! However I would like to suggest something to you! The rhyme pattern isn't very clear.
In these two lines you've used I can see the rhyme scheme.
I've traveled far (A)
from star to star (A)

However you end the stanza with no rhyme and makes it seem like an abrupt end.

What I suggest you do is have four lines in each stanza that way you can make the connection as smooth as possible!
I cannot WAIT to see what you make next!
BunBun
2
2
Review of Pre-Adult Days.  
Review by BunBun
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there Bruce!

I loved your poem and think it's very emotional and I can't begin to explain how much I love the details you've used. I have only one small nitpick but it's a very simple and easy fix. When you wrote "And dancing with my arms round you" I would suggest changing " round " to " 'round " since you're not describing a shape, just using an abbreviation for around.

I wish you luck in your future writings!

From,
BunBun
3
3
Review by BunBun
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Whatever is marked in Bold is what I changed.
Whatever is marked as Italic is what you should remove.
Whatever is marked as Underlined is why I suggest something.
Whatever is marked as Bold and Italicized is something you should reword.
As you already know these are just suggestions, NOT changes that you HAVE to make.

My body slammed into the chain link fence of the octagon cage, my face raked down the metal wire as I slumped to the floor. (The words "slammed", "slumped", and "raked" flow together nicely since they all use "ed")

This poser telegraphed a round house kick that I should have easily blocked, but no, I let him knock me senseless. That’s when I got mad. (When you say "That's when I got mad" it contradicts your previous statement "I let him knock me senseless")

I looked up at my opponent , from my kneeling position. He was jumping around the ring, goosing on the cheering crowd. (The comma in the first sentence doesn't seem to fit in, however, the second sentence does need a comma after the word ring and before the word goosing.)

Sure enough he telegraphed another kick. This time he was standing too far back when he kicked straight at me. (The word telegraphed is already used earlier on, if you wish to use the word again I would suggest waiting until you're further in as to not repeat it too many times. The same thing goes with "kick" and "kicked" I would use a synonym for one of them since you are repeating yourself.)

I then came straight up with my fist slamming into the bottom of his jaw. The force lifted him up off the ground only to land onto the mat, not moving. ("then" doesn't fit the sentence since everything would be happening quickly in real life you want to switch from one thing to another with no hesitation. The second sentence just didn't make sense the way it was worded.)

The silence of the crowd was deafening...I don't care.

I paid them no mind and tried my best to casually stroll out of the octagon cage; as if I wasn't bruised, bleeding, or in a mounds of pain. (I just changed a few things to make it smoother)

This is for the first part you marked off if you would like me to continue please let me know.
4
4
Review of The Lost Pets  
Review by BunBun
Rated: E | (3.0)
Narrator: It happened one summer morning when everybody woke up. The kids, Lily and Nikolaos, had their milk and cookies when the pets did a bad thing without them knowing. What happened to the pets? Let's see what happens...
(I would suggest rewording the bold part I "highlighted" the wording doesn't seem to fit but can be easily fixed :D)

I notice how you call the pets, pets. I would suggest giving them names as to not confuse the audience and so the animals can be separated from each other.

Nikolaos: What?! That's not true. I know that you eat your vegetable roll with no silverware. That's not polite.
(The bold part I marked seemed a bit unnecessary and could be changed to something more comedic)

Op: OOOOH! The slide!

Lily: Oh, please be careful.
(I would suggest taking out the "Oh" (whats in bold), it doesn't fit since OP already said Oh)

Lily: Oh, I know where they can be. They love T-Rex's. Let's go to the T-Rex exhibit.
(I would further explain why they love T-Rex's either earlier on in the play or add in a scene where it shows the pets getting lost in the T-Rex exhibit before transitioning back to the children.)

At this point I only just realized Ep and Op were the pets. It might be more obvious while performing, but they don't express the qualities and actions of a pet when they talk. Maybe they could have sounds or actions that express what you want them to say; it doesn't make sense for them to talk but it could also make sense if the pets were to talk to each other but the owners hear barking.

Nikolaos: Gosh. You guys did something so bad that now you made yourselves famous...in a bad way.
(I would suggest changing the line to something like this)
Nikolaos: Gosh you guys, you've gone and made yourself famous(beat) and not in a good way.

Op: It's such a pleasure to be on national television
Ep: Oooooh! I see my face on that screen!
(maybe have them say something such as)
Op: Look at us Ep! It's so cool to be on TV!
Ep: Oh Oh! I'm there too!

While there should be some adjustments I love the idea of the play and I'm glad to have read it, I hope that one day someone can perform it for you. BunBun

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