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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gail
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12 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Dreaming  
Review by Gail
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I dig your work. Nice job...some suggestions, take them just as that though because this is a good slice of life flash fiction story.

How about? ( orig) Somehow, through all the punches, through all the kicks, James had managed to hold on to the towel
to:
Somehow, through all the punches, through all the kicks, James held on to the towel,

( Orig ) He spared one hand from the towel to break his fall, and contact with the unyielding tile floor sent a shock up his entire arm.
To:
He spared one hand from the towel to break his fall PERIOD -- Contact with the unyielding tile floor sent a shock up his entire arm.

pain spiked his chest with every breath ---oooh I LOVE this... great description!

I’m sure you’ve already had commentary about the punctuation. We readers are used to standard punctuation, capitalization in our short stores—just fits with the genre. The uneven capitalization makes what is a fine start @ a good story a bit confusing. I’m sure you will probably fix this up during your rewrite.

he opened his eyes immediately, but only in his dream. and even though the scene was exactly the same, he knew without a doubt that he was finally dreaming

 How about making some shorter sentences?? He opened his eyes immediately, but only in his dream. Although the scene was exactly the same, Jamie knew he was finally dreaming.
 Clean up all the wordiness...because this is STRONG powerful images you have going. Make the image clearer, cleaner by parsing these sentences more. And combine some of the sentences into paragraphs. Once you clear out the debris you’ll be pleased I’m sure with what you have!
 Thank you for sharing it with all of us. This story makes me want to read MORE of your work... Gail @ writing.com
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Review by Gail
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh Dianne... I have giggled through this whole little fantasy play story of yours. It needs to be the first thing each of us "newbies" read when we fall into the WRITING.com Gopher hole!

What a useful, but funny guide! Thank you for writing it. I am still in my first month on writing dot com and keep poking my head into bunches of different places.

Your article catches the spirit, joy and playfulness we often find in this great site. gail@writing.com
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Review of Moonlight Beauty  
Review by Gail
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a MUST read for anyone who digs the suspense horror genre. In fewer than 500 words Galaxia paints a haunting picture. Well done! Thank you for sharing “Moonlight Beauty” with all of us!

Only minor suggestions—or alternatives for you to think about as you do your re-writes. It seems important that a review at least offers up some alternatives to our fellow writers. Once more, this is a knockout word picture! gail@writing.com

Para one: FLAPPING doesn’t quite give the ring of poetic beauty you have throughout the piece… how about soaring in the wind. Then New sentence. Her eyes... …
? Use: cherry red for the lips dress. Then Dark isn’t used twice in the same sentence.
“transient-like” .. How about: EPHEMERAL as a word choice?

Para 3 although there are strong, effective images here, they feel a bit jumbled up. I’ve read this paragraph 8 times and each time I get less happy with it. It’s an essential paragraph… What if:
He loved her like this, with only a touch of color in the washed out dimness of the night. She was framed perfectly by a windswept tree that seemed to stand guard beside her. Low branches reached out like starved hands, looking to imprison anything passing within their reach. It one spread above her head like a claw, desperate to grasp the goddess into its web of crisscrossing limbs.

Para 4: “ body so cold in his arms, the air stealing the warmth of her delicate form “ How about
body growing cold in his arms as the night air stole warmth from her delicate body.

I want to read more of your work...and THAT is the Ultimate compliment!
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