This was a fun piece. I liked the idea of Chlorophyll representing Envy. Altogether a nice short story to read. I have broken my review into two parts - What I Liked? and I didn't get it? Please excuse me if I don;t get into grammar, mine is very, very bad.
What I Liked?
- As I said, Cholorophyll = Envy. Nice analogy specially when it has all snowed, firs are green and look good because of all the sun and the cholorophyll. Anything other than these are don't stand in comparison in winters - the best green I say.
- Another thing I liked was competition that envy generates. The part where Simon does better with hi second jump. It is a motivator.
- I liked the flow, very real. It seems like I was Simon for a moment there.
What I Didn't Get?
- You have classified this piece as Sci-Fi, I am sorry but couldn't relate to this. There's this element of Perfects and Imperfects, but I got it only after 3rd reading.
- This is not a big piece so I am not sure if I am right here, but I think Simon's emotions can be portrayed more strongly. This guy sounds a bit resigned till we get to the end of story.
So that's there. My views. Feel free to revert and correct me, I am but only a mere amateur at reviewing and writing.
Regards,
Ruchir
P.S - Please drop by to have a look at my latest piece #1984511. I sincerely look forward to your views.
Nothing but the best. You have really crafted a great story. I love it.
One great thing was where you referred King Midas. But this was just one gem in this story which is full of all kinds of precious stones.
Fantastic depiction of Noni - great spirit, unmatchble determination. Her character just makes me realize, we might have or not some disability, but we do have is limited time, so make use of it.
Another thing, I liked the way you depicted upredictability of life, Noni's mother and Steven being twins, it makes me feel what goes, comes back.
Tell me did this really happen to you. You made it very realistic and real funny. It was nice to find humor in tough situations. I liked the innocent foolishness of the husband with,"...you don't have any shoes on." Fantastic. And the excorcist scream.
This was a fun read. Keep writing.
PS - You might like to read a liitle something on my portfolio registered under the same name as this story of yours.
And this is how we waste our lives. Very true. I liked the way this one line describes how most of us end up . This also reflects the double faced characterstic of being human - how we look outside when in the inside it is a face smiling sarcastically knowing exactly what how all of it will terminate.
Superb job, I can tell you every critique is going to be a plethora of admiration, interpretation and still none would be what this one line is.
Wow! A very brainy bird, I don't even have so many words in my vocabulary. Just overawed man.
At first when i got down to it I was going to say,"Since I shifted base to this new place, Jack, I had been missing the seemingly intellectual but meaningless thoughts of the person, whom the shrinks declared lunatic." And mind you Jack not being a bright sort of chap would have even gone beyond by adding a dwelling,"Duh!". But as you would have noted that I WAS going to say it but desisted, I tell you I am not your just round-the-block medicine man. When I am suspicious I tend to go in for a second opinion, where I usually ask my Subconscious(SB) to return from its paranormal ponderances and provide us utterly low earthlings with some fruitful advice, which for the record he did, Thank God.
So, as I was saying, a relook altered my view and, as far as my nut could think, I find you a person delighfully in love with those small 26 letters that my kindergarten teacher was worried the heck off whenever she had to deal with me. I like it, it is not the ideas that inspire you but the chaos of letter that culminates into something, something something! You see this is a review my SB gave, and to tell you the truth am not much ahead of Jack, so whatever SB said it passed right between my eyes and if there would have been a white wall behind my head you would sure have had the total matter in print. But as it is obvious, there was no white wall to catch those letters in black so they all fell freely to the ground, and it being behind me I never realized where the hell did all they go. I suppose they have probably wandered on to your notebook by now, though in chaotic manner, and so wouldn't actually express SB's thought.
So in a gist you write fabulously and keep it going.
PS: Dot the i's and cross the t's. And yes whereever you find it appropriate do put commas and whatever need to be put to let this make sense to you. As I said me not on brighter side. Cheerio!!
First Line the word 'standing' just seem to be a word overdone.
This is good "we weren't given up.....we were lost"
"He drug himself out of bed...." well 'Dragged' would have been a better word
"She grabbed his hand and drug him out the door"....don't mind but you do like to "drug"..
"They rounded the familiar corner....", rounded???
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