|Hey! :) Nicely done! I really liked this! Your flow is great, and the storyline is definitely attention capturing!! ;) A few things I would look over though... there're a few misplaced or unneeded commas, maybe a run-on sentence or two? Maybe try just giving this a read, editing as you go.
And I really liked your title - pardon my randomness :)
So sorry this is all the advice I have for you, but hope it helped!
- grandpaslippers :)