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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grandwizard
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6 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Game Models  
Review by Wizard
Rated: E | (4.0)
This very interesting story, and the idea of this kind of agumented reality was really fun to imagine. I think this would make a really good introduction to a story( or a movie for that matter.) I don't really have any complaints, however I did notice a few very very minor errors.

"into a workout in surprisingly easy wars(ways) with the right augmentation."

"Encouraging home gardening and aquaculture(agriculture) where possible would be great features" unless you actually meant aquaculture, which is a thing: it's the farming of fishes.

Otherwise this was a really fun idea to read; be amazing and kind of scary if it happend though.
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Review of Equinox  
Review by Wizard
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was amazing. I have seldom seen a more compelling use of imagery and ambiguity. I loved the way you described the Equinox; it was very alluring.

Favourite line was: "Suffering exists only to compare. To presume a reprieve is to squander the gift."

Great job, five stars, you certainly earned it.
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Review of The Day  
Review by Wizard
Rated: E | (5.0)
I agree with you fully, I too believe that the effort expended on valentine's day is ridicoulus. And I think your statement about how it is "the little things" that better express your love for another holds true; the example you provided was very dear.

This was a concise and clear essay which argured its point well, they only criticism I could possibly have, is that it is not longer.
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Review of Hobson in the pit  
Review by Wizard
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A story that I felt compelled to finish with its strong starting point. I think your words dragged me into the pit with Hobson.

Whilst the structure is good, and the narrative compelling, I did notice a few things here and there that could do with a little touch up. I enjoyed the comedic relationship Hobson had with the skeleton. The action scene between Hobson and the 'Dog-thing' was well done, though I suggest calling the 'Dog-thing' creature or monster instead.

"Hobson landed on his backon the floor of the pit."
I presuming it meant to say "Hobson landed on his back on the floor of the pit"
But I think it would sound better like this, "Hobson fell into the pit landing on his back"

"He peered inside as the last sliver of light gave way to darkness."
Think the other slither would fit better here.


"He shook the bag a little, and in the final ray of sunlight, a glint caught his eye. "
Confused, did not the last "sliver of light" already "give way to darkness"?

"smaller than palm sized"
perhaps this would be better: smaller than his palm.

A good quality story which I enjoyed, there is room for its improvement; but even greater room for its potential.
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