You may have thought it was a silly little story, but I loved it. I've got grandkids that I've told stories similar to this to, however, not quite in as much detail. I love the fact that you described the kids' reactions to this story, regardless of the fact that they grew up hearing scary or spooky stories. I would love to hear more!
First of all... awesome! I love it. There are a couple grammatical issues that you have in it such as in the third line:
"And the words become the my stimulus"
probably should be
"And the words become my stimulus"
I'm sure that was an oversight. The other that caught my attention was the word "persevere" in the second to last line which you spelled without the "e" on the end of it. I have to apologize up front... my grandmother was an English teacher and while she was with us, God help me if I made a mistake in writing! I've slipped some since then, but a lot of lessons still remain.
Great job though as I love to read poetry that actually says something.
Oh, how quickly thoughts can change! I love the subtle way that your character shifts her mind from helping everyone win to winning at any cost. This makes me want to read more of the story.... I hope there is one and you can expand on this...
I would offer constructive criticism, but just can't think of any at this point.
I had to chuckle when I read your poem, because I think we are ALL to reliant on our "smart" phones these days!
However, about your poem, while good, pictures of Dr. Seuss kept coming to mind. Not that that is a bad thing... no... I love Dr. Seuss! However, if you want to keep it like that, and I think you should, IMO there should be one more stanza after the last one, and the 5th stanza needs to be slightly reworded. Instead of flowing like a Dr. Seuss poem throughout, it catches for me on that 5th stanza.
I would love to re-read this if you did that! It could quickly become my screensaver on my phone!
I loved the imagery and the narration except for one small item. On the second to last paragraph, your story seems to shift narrators from observed to observing and then back again in the same paragraph. "Our intrepid detective...." doesn't fit with the "observing" narrative that has been used throughout the rest of the story. I believe you could fix it by simply replacing "Our intrepid detective..." with "He..." or something more along those lines.
You do kind of start out the story as a third-person narrative, but switch to first person observation quickly. I didn't notice that at first, but if you could change the narrative to first person observation all the way through, to me, and it's only my opinion, it would be a stronger story.
Cute story! I like surprise ending stories like this, however, you might have been able to throw the reader off a little bit more in the beginning if Rem could have described his "wife" in more human terms. "Her eyes were deep pools of inky blackness", "her nose twitched ever so slightly when she was disapproving"... something like that.
I like this poem. You can definitely get the feel that there is a cat watching some fool counting the minutes until their demise or until something major happening. The meter of this poem I believe also helps give the illusion of time progressing until we're simply dust. Great work!
If I related this poem to music, the first of the poem is a perfect crescendo, getting louder as we go, and the second half is a decrescendo, getting softer as we read further, followed by a quiet finale. I liked the poem and I could feel the emotions that were put into it, however, for me, it did not flow quite as smooth as I would have liked. This is me personally, but since I am a musician also the lines to me must have similar "meter" and there are just enough of those that throw the whole thing off for me. Please don't misunderstand me.... I like the poem and I think you captured the feelings pretty well, but for me, a poem should flow more like a song.
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