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68 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like the illustration because it provides me with information on how the characters look. I also like how you credit the artist.
Right at the very beginning, I see some names that I don't recognize from the first part. I would have had more background information on these characters, such as Mokuba, including their role in the story and their relationship to Joan if I had continued with part one. Also, I might not understand some events because I may have missed some important ones that happened in part one. Please don't get frustrated if I ask for clarification.
Chapter 6: This chapter was more comfortable to read now that I understand the characters better due to you explaining their nature. I also like how you provide physical descriptions of the characters; it makes picturing them in my head much more straightforward.
Chapter 7: In my opinion, I'm glad that you left the sex scene implied, especially since I don't enjoy erotica as much as you do; I hope you don't take offense to my statement, I have different taste. For people who do enjoy erotica, though, I assume that the implication of a sex scene would add mystery to the story as these readers would be left guessing what Joan did to pleasure Seito. Also, thank you for restating that Mokuba was Seito's younger brother.
Chapter 9: It's unique how you provide your readers with a playlist of songs to listen to while reading; I think it helps set the mood for the setting. I've never heard these songs before, so I don't know how well they'd fit with the atmosphere of the plot events.
Chapter 10: The section, as promised by its title, delivers accounts of erotic escapades, which readers of the erotica genre will be anticipating.


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2
2
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Author's note: You delve into some controversial topics and standpoints, but I believe your story can open people's minds on your viewpoints, primarily since you base elements in it on your personal experiences. You also state that this story is an OC x canon fanfiction, which provides other readers and me the opportunity to critique your OC, whom I will assume is Joan. Speaking of her, she's the only character I'll focus on because I know nothing about Seito Kaba or the series to which he belongs.

Chapter 1: Your accounts of Joan's experiences reflect how society expects women to act as prostitutes and escorts very well. Providing insight into Joan's thoughts and surroundings make your accounts of her perspective seem more personal, which aid in your goal of giving personal insights on what it's like to be a prostitute. However, from what I've gathered from the context, Joan is expected to be quiet and look pretty; for example, she has no chance to defend or explain herself when Marc announces out of nowhere that she has a brother fetish. This information from the context gives off the impression that prostitution isn't an empowering choice of employment for women, which would turn specific members of your audience against your favorable position on prostitution. With this said, it would help to add contextual examples of how prostitution can be empowering to women.

Chapter 2: This is the chapter where I got to meet Seito as a character. Although you wrote him well, I do not like his personality. While a well-written character doesn't need a likable personality, I believe that Seito's nature plays a big part in influencing whether the reader will agree with you on your stance on prostitution, especially in his first interaction with Joan. When reading how he looked at Joan's body and requested she come to bed with him, thinking about how he prefers prostitutes to other women because they "didn't simply go through the motions" out of fear of ruining their makeup in the process, I gathered that he values women primarily for sex. I would not want a man to view me like this, and neither would a lot of women. I would have liked to know what was going through Joan's head as she stood there quietly, passively taking Seito's disrespect. What were her first impressions of Seito? Did she like the way he treated her? Why would Joan agree to come with Seito?

Chapter 3: To be honest, I couldn't finish the whole chapter; I read the line where he got an erection and got too scared from there. For this chapter, I can't say much except that Joan appears to be more comfortable with her boyfriend, especially in how you describe her interactions with him through the context. This chapter seems to me where the theme of polyamory comes in. Since I didn't read the whole chapter, I can't say anything substantial about how well the plot events persuade your readers toward your perspective.

Rest of the story: I honestly couldn't read to the end. I thought things would get better in Chapter 4, but I lost hope after Marc told Joan he was going to rip off her new dress right after she came back from Seito's place. I feel like all the men around Joan treat her like a sex object. As far as I know, or at least as I'm choosing to assume because I don't want to see Joan as a Mary Sue sex whore, Joan is supposed to feel safe with Marc, yet she lets him talk to her like he does. She also says nothing when Seito, a man she just met, talks to her like she's a sex object right off the bat. You say that you based Joan's experiences as a prostitute on your own, yet I'm having difficulty seeing that in your writing since I barely find any input on Joan's inner thoughts and feelings at all.

While the story as a whole is well-written, I feel like it didn't serve its intended purpose of portraying prostitution and polyamory in a positive light, mainly due to how the male characters treat Joan. You could've kept this element and still managed to relay an empowering message about prostitution and polyamory if you had given more insight on Joan's thoughts and feelings, especially regarding how the men around her treat her.


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3
3
Review of The Story Box  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Theme/Subject Matter: This short story touches on the theme of family and how mental illness such as Alzheimer's Disease can affect those ties. While most connections between Alzheimer's and family are pessimistic due to symptoms of memory loss, you provide an anecdote of how spending time with a family member inflicted with Alzheimer's can bring back those great memories.


Originality/Creativity: You came up with an original storyline that maintains its uniqueness throughout.


Emotion/Impact: Emotion and impact are essential in this story, considering it touches on an emotional subject. The amount of emotion you apply to the story is appropriate for its topic and makes the impact of your writing stronger.


My Favorite Part: I liked seeing Beth interact with her father; it was emotionally touching.


My Suggestions: I have no suggestions; I think this story is excellent the way it is.


Summary: This story is emotionally touching and provides a positive perspective on living with a family member with Alzheimer's.



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"Mental Health Writers Alliance


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4
4
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

Theme/Subject Matter: You touch on the subject of musical talent and drug addiction, which is something that is commonly discussed in the media yet not taken care of a lot as an issue. The only way the reader can indicate that Ryan, the main character, is a music star is because of the description you provide for the subject matter; nowhere in the poem itself is it ever hinted that Ryan is a musician. I would like to see more details giving information about his occupation as a musician.
4/5 stars; the subject matter is intriguing, but you could reveal more information about Ryan's career as a musician.


Originality/Creativity: The formatting of your poem is entirely original; I've never seen a poem with each second line indented as yours does. I also like how you use a rhyme scheme to your advantage.
5/5 stars; the formatting and rhyme scheme give the poem a unique appearance and word choice.


Emotion/Impact: All the impact comes from the thoughts of Ryan, which works perfectly with the direction you're looking to go in with this poem.
5/5 stars.


My Favorite Part: I like how you involve the police in Ryan's situation. The cops give Ryan something to fear, thus adding depth to the conflict.
5/5 stars.


My Suggestions: You state that this poem is about drug abuse among music stars, yet I see no indication that Ryan is a musician. Perhaps you could incorporate some details about his musical career.


Summary: This poem perfectly describes the thoughts of an addicted musician on the run to get his fix. The formatting and word choice are especially unique.



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"Mental Health Writers Alliance


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5
5
Review of "are you okay?"  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Theme/Subject Matter: One-sided friendships are a pain in the ass. I'd know because I've been in quite a few, and they were all infuriating, especially when I began noticing how one-sided they were.
5/5 for personally catching my interest with the subject matter.


Originality/Creativity: Your piece brims with innovation, but it could be more vivid. A lot of the details are vague for a work that's meant to be emotionally moving.
3.5 stars for your outstanding originality; I would recommend using more creative and descriptive words, though.


Emotion/Impact: You give the reader a clear view of how the main character feels and thinks about his so-called friend. You also do an excellent job of describing the character's actions to portray his feelings.
4/5 stars for the excellent work with representing the character's perspective. I believe that a more creative word choice would leave a more significant emotional impact on the reader, though.


My Favorite Part: The fourth paragraph drives home the point of this short story. Everything said in this paragraph reflects every thought I've had while in a one-sided friendship. Not only does this paragraph describe to the reader how it feels to be in a one-sided friendship, but it also defines what one is.
5/5 stars for providing background on one-sided friendships.


My Suggestions: As I said earlier, using a more descriptive and creative word choice will create a more vivid mental picture for readers that will keep them interested and make your writing more memorable.


Summary: You do a great job describing the main character's thoughts and feelings using the first-person perspective and describing the character's actions, plus you provided sufficient background information on one-sided friendships for readers who are unfamiliar with the experience. To make your writing stand out more, I recommend using a more creative and descriptive word choice.



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"Mental Health Writers Alliance


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6
6
Review of Mother  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)

Theme/Subject Matter: The title straightforwardly indicates the subject matter, thus effectively drawing in readers who are intrigued by your chosen subject.
5/5 stars.


Originality/Creativity: When reading the poem, nothing stood out to me as uniquely original or creative. The format is free-form and short in length. While some rhythm is present, there is no definite rhyme scheme or rhythm pattern that stands out. While having an established rhyme scheme and rhythm pattern isn't necessary for a free-form poem, developing a rhythm pattern or rhyme scheme that stands out and gives the piece as a whole a more musical tone makes free-form poetry stand out more.
1.5 stars; nothing stands out rhythmically in your poem, which is in a format that could especially benefit from a rhyme scheme or rhythm pattern that stands out.


Emotion/Impact: Your word choice is bland, and you only describe a general experience of abuse. While your poem achieves your goal of describing the experience of parental mistreatment, your description is too broad to give off the emotional impact that is suitable for the subject matter you're using.
1/5 stars; the language used is too bland and ineffective at creating the emotional impact necessary to achieve the goal of communicating the hurt parental abuse victims feel.

My Favorite Part: The last two lines had the most impact. Creativity with wordplay is most present in these two lines. The creative use of such wordplay is what gives these lines the effect they have that stands out amongst the others.
3/5 stars; you show that you can be creative with your word choice but don't utilize it often enough throughout the poem entirely.


My Suggestions: Be more creative with rhythm and word choice. An outstanding rhythm pattern will make your poetry sound more fluid and less prose-like, and more creative and descriptive word choice will create a mental image for the reader that will provide a more powerful impact with communicating your message.


Summary: The subject matter is clear, but the word choice and rhythm are bland, thus making the poem as a whole appear bland and monotone. Experimenting with rhythm and word choice is an excellent way to spice up a free-form poetry piece such as this one.



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7
7
Review of Bullies  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Theme/Subject Matter: The title of your poem is straight to the point on what the subject matter is, thus effectively drawing in readers who are interested in the subject matter.
5/5 stars for efficiency in establishing subject matter and drawing in readers.


Originality/Creativity: Your poem is no doubt original as it appears through your writing that you came up with everything yourself, but nothing stands out in terms of creativity.
3/5 stars.


Emotion/Impact: You describe a broad experience in your writing, which doesn't provide much of an image for readers to connect to and empathize with while reading. One line, however, stands out:
"That they turn to [self-harm]... and to suicide[.]"
While still a broad, general statement, the subject matter and the mood provided by this line leave an emotional impact on readers.
3.5/5 stars; you establish your ability to create an emotional impact through words, but your piece lacks the emotional strength applied in that one line throughout its majority.


My Favorite Part: The best line in this piece is, as I have stated before, "[t]hat they turn to [self-harm]... and to suicide[.]" As I've said before, this line brings out the most emotional impact in the piece.
The most relatable part, coming from my perspective, is the second stanza: "How can [s]omeone be so mean?/ To spread those horrible rumors/ Making everyone believe the [worst]/ In someone". As someone who has had rumors spread about me before, every word of this stanza reflects my thoughts on what it's like to be the victim of nasty gossip. While it is sucky that rumors have the power to make neutral bystanders suddenly see you in the worst light possible just because of something one person said, the suckiest part is that you often feel like you have no power to change the situation. When rumors started getting spread about me in high school after my dance troupe performance, I lost a significant portion of friends and respect from classmates. The majority of my peers that I saw every day were disgusted by me and wanted to see me crash and burn in any way possible. Even with the few loyal friends who stuck by me because they knew who I was, the classmates who were repulsed by me outnumbered us. I apologize for going on a tangent there, but my point is that I would like to see more detail as it simulates an experience for the reader that goes in depth on how it feels deep down to be the victim; I think that would make this piece more touching and personal to readers.
4/5 stars for connecting with me as the reader, but I still see room for improvement in connection with the reader in general.

My Suggestions: In my opinion, this poem would communicate its message stronger if there were more detail involved. Think about your second stanza, for example, and my anecdote reflecting on it. Try describing a scene involving a character going to school every day knowing she's the victim of hurtful rumors. How does she feel? How do her feelings paint her environment? Give a vivid picture of what she sees.


Summary: The subject matter is presented straightforwardly and draws the attention of potential readers. However, the piece itself, apart from some lines and stanzas that have the potential to connect with readers and create emotion through word choice and tone, is bland. To provide the reader with a more vivid mental picture that will leave a more significant impact, I recommend adding more detail, preferably in the form of short anecdotes describing the point-of-view of bullying victims.

"Mental Health Writers Alliance
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8
8
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Theme/Subject Matter: Your poem describes how it feels to live with anxiety and depression well. You do an excellent job of relating to readers that suffer from these disorders.
5/5 stars


Originality/Creativity: I like the direction you took with personifying the anxiety and depression and speaking from its perspective. The overbearing and controlling personality you gave it reflects how anxiety and depression impact those suffering from it well.
5/5 stars


Emotion/Impact: When reading this poem, the player takes on the role of a person conflicted with depression and anxiety. Through your written words, anxiety and depression speak to the reader in a heartless, authoritarian manner as if it wants to see the reader miserable. The tone and word choice give off a feeling of oppression that simulates how people suffering from anxiety and depression feel.
5/5 stars


My Favorite Part: I can't determine which part is my favorite. I think every statement in your poem is well-spoken and impactful.


My Suggestions: I have no suggestions. Your piece is perfect the way it is.


Summary: You perfectly accomplish your goal of letting the reader simulate what sufferers of anxiety and depression feel by creating a monologue for a character personifying depression and anxiety that talks down to the reader in a manner that reflects how people with anxiety and depression criticize themselves.

"Mental Health Writers Alliance
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9
9
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

Theme/Subject Matter: The title already draws me in. I love how you draw on the concept of putting little effort into your appearance when you're feeling too depressed to bother and want to be left alone.
5/5 stars

Originality/Creativity: It's good that you're expanding beyond being ugly on the outside and focusing on expressing that what matters is that you feel ugly on the inside. You relate well to people who commonly feel this way.
5/5 stars


Emotion/Impact: The emotion isn't too intense, but the impact is still there because you manage to get your intended message across through your focus on the subject.
5/5


My Favorite Part: The last stanza had the most impact on me. I've felt that way more times than I can count, and it feels even uglier than I sometimes look when I'm too depressed even to care. I believe it's a powerful message that's relatable to everyone.


My Suggestions: I have none. It's already perfect.


Summary: This poem perfectly expresses how a person feels inside when he/she is too depressed to take care of him/herself. It happens to everyone, so it's good that you're writing on such a relatable topic.

"Mental Health Writers Alliance
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10
10
Review of 68 Minutes  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Theme/Subject Matter: This poem talks about the bullying of special needs kids, which is a topic I'm rather passionate about that is unfortunately very rarely discussed. Therefore, I'm happy that you're shedding light on this subject.
5/5 stars for originality.


Originality/Creativity: Your topic of choice is an original one as it is rarely ever discussed. I can see how you write the thoughts of a school-age kid witnessing the bullying, which shows that you have a creative approach toward applying perspective, especially in a poem where the main character is the one seeing the issue.
4/5 stars for creatively using a character's first-person viewpoint to illustrate the story; however, I'm wondering if other characters' perspectives could be applied to provide more depth to the conflict.

Emotion/Impact: It's clear that your poem has the purpose of making the reader feel, but I feel as if too little is done to achieve that goal. It is evident that the main character narrating the poem feels sorry and concerned about the disabled, but that personally wasn't enough to move me. I would prefer if the poem also provided the insights of the special needs kid reflecting on the mistreatment he receives from his peers.
3/5 stars; to me, what's said isn't personal enough. I know the main character feels bad for the disabled kid, but I want to know how the disabled kid feels as only he would know what it's like to have his disability.


My Favorite Part: I relate most to the parts where the main character describes how the adults around him ignore the issue. Based on the context, I'm guessing that these kids are of elementary school age, which explains why the excuse "kids will be kids" is often used. What draws me into this aspect, though, is that high schools ignore bullying behavior as well. I remember being the recipient of plenty of unkind attention from classmates in high school, and rarely did any of the aggressors get reprimanded; instead, I was the scapegoat.
5/5 stars for bringing light to this issue with bullying because it happens too damn often!


My Suggestions: You're very good at applying perspective to tell a story. I feel like some details in the story you're describing are missing, though. I believe that you could use your skills with character perspective to provide more information that will add depth to the story, mainly when applied to the disabled kid.


Summary: You chose a great topic to write about as it is one that is rarely ever brought to light. You display an excellent ability to tell a story through the first-person perspective, which I believe can be applied to other characters to provide more depth into the conflict and how those other characters feel.

"Mental Health Writers Alliance
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11
11
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi. It's Halloween.
Once again, thanks for the birds. I wanted to give you this review to return the favor.

This short story made me chuckle a bit, especially since I felt the same way as Bubblegum did when I went through puberty. I felt the absolute same way about my body; it was disgusting and hideous. I felt like my entire life was going to be over because of how ugly puberty had made me!
Your short story accurately reflects how teenagers commonly feel while going through puberty. You've done an excellent job.
12
12
Review of The Struggle  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your work comes out as very professional and thought out, like you know what you're doing. I wish I had this natural ability to make my poems come out like this. Whenever I write a poem, I have to brainstorm at least a bit in order to make whatever comes out look and sound somewhat like a poem because I have so little experience with poetry.
I also like the message of your poem. I can relate to it. I have times when my anxiety and bipolar tell me to quit and that everything I'm doing is a lost cause, but I never give in because I'm stronger than that.


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13
13
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The spacing is nice, and I also like the cover image you used; it fits in very well with the topic of your writing.
You've created an intriguing story with interesting characters and an interesting setting that appeals to readers. The plot, from what I've read, is original and well-developed.
Well done.


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14
14
Review of Smallwood  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The mood and tone behind your voice are very distinct, which really pulls the reader in.
I see that you put this story under the "biographical" and "personal" categories. It makes me happy that you had such a great time and were so happy at this mental hospital.
To be honest, I wasn't expecting such a happy narrative because when I saw the title, I immediately began thinking of the times I had been hospitalized for anxiety. My experience at the hospital was not as pleasant as yours; I was sad all the time and always wanted to go home.
"Mental Health Writers Alliance


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15
15
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Mental Health Writers Alliance

While your piece is rather long for the tone you're using, it still gets its point across in an effective way. You smoothly transition from one point to another.
To keep your readers engaged throughout more of the essay, I would recommend shortening it or changing the tone.


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16
16
Rated: E | (4.5)
You do a great job of getting your point across from the start.
I also learned a lot from your essay. I didn't know bipolar disorder could be categorized as Types I and II, similar to diabetes. As someone who has bipolar, it makes me curious as to which Type I have. I see you go into some depth on the Types as you describe how you were diagnosed, but I'd like to see more in-depth information for those who are curious like myself.
You do a great job of comparing the experience of having diabetes with that of having bipolar disorder, which really drives your point home.
17
17
Review of Work  
In affiliation with Activity Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You use very creative language that paints a very vibrant picture of the topic of this poem.
Your language also supports the voice of your writing, which also helps in portraying the image of your poem's topic.
You make your readers wonder who the narrator of this poem is. Is it a slave working on a plantation? A poor tenant sharecropping with a wealthier landowner? You do a perfect job of giving the reader enough information to know what is being said in the poem while leaving some details to the imagination.


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18
18
Review of The Home Sampler  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your structure and use of figurative language are very well-done in this poem. You provide enough details to describe your thoughts and feelings living with this person.
While your poem is very well-written and gets its purpose across perfectly, I would like to see you expand on the topic. Do you worry for your house/roommate? Why aren't they medicated? How would you approach the situation? Would you recommend your house/roommate go on medication, or do you agree that he should try more therapeutic approaches first before considering, especially if he's against going on medication? Is he aware that he needs help controlling his problem? These are good questions to ask him and yourself if you want to help him.
"Mental Health Writers Alliance


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19
19
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Your poem is very straightforward yet still leaves enough room for interpretation for readers. You provide enough detail to give readers something to work with while still leaving enough detail out to keep them guessing.
The way you describe the inner 2 year old tells the reader that the narrator has some insecurities stemming from a troubled childhood, and you do a good job of describing your feelings in a way that is both clear and creative with the language you use.
The last four lines add a lot more information for the reader to work with in interpreting the poem. The last line, "Whose needs were never fulfilled," gives off the impression that the narrator had been either neglected or abused as a child. I'm impressed that you can write about such a heavy topic and still elicit sympathy from readers without going too heavy on any details that could be seen as shocking or uncomfortable (i.e. domestic violence, alcoholism). Your voice and language do a good job of portraying the emotions of hurt and sadness you're trying to portray.
"Mental Health Writers Alliance


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20
20
In affiliation with Activity Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You're writing style works very well for this piece.
To begin, the way you space your paragraphs makes the story very easy to read, especially for a longer piece like this one.
I also like the details you add. They make the story a lot more interesting and unique. They also help the reader learn more about the characters and stay intrigued with them.


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21
21
Review of Her Imperfections  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the subject matter of your poem and how you communicate it because it presents itself as a common struggle that a lot of girls, including me, have been through.
The rhyme scheme and stanza structure seems a bit unsteady, though, and the last line, "who didn't realize it was too late" sounds confusing given the context of the prior lines in the stanza. To keep a solid rhythm, I'd stick with a set number of lines for each stanza and try playing around with different words; you can use a thesaurus if it helps. As for the last line, I would recommend:
"who realized that it wasn't too late."
As for the rest of it, your writing style is great and fits well with the subject matter, as does the genre you chose


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22
22
Review of Wall of Tears  
In affiliation with Activity Bank  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
The structure of your poem is very solid, even without rhyming.
I see that you capitalize some lines and leave others uncapitalized. If this is meant to indicate a new sentence beginning, I would recommend adding punctuation; I believe it would make more sense grammatically.
Your word choice is also excellent; every word you use fits the mood of your poem perfectly.


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23
23
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your essay has a very academic-looking structure. Did you write this for school? If so, I'm sure you'll do an excellent job.
I like your structure, especially the information at the top and the list of references and declaration of authorship at the bottom. However, I noticed that your table of contents is left blank. If you are submitting this for school or to be published professionally in an academic journal (which also seems like a possibility considering the amount of work you put into this). If you ever decide to revise this, I would recommend filling that section in. Also, I would prefer your information at the top were in black font, but it's fine if you were supposed to do otherwise.
You've come up with some great concepts that sound really appealing, such as learner empowerment and social learning; with names like these, readers are sure to be drawn to these concepts on the basis that they will boost learners' self-esteem through encouragement and social incentive, which I'm sure would really work because self-esteem and socialization are important to students.


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24
24
Review of Dear Creative Me  
In affiliation with Activity Bank  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This letter is really clear and to-the-point from beginning to end. Well done!
You sound really dedicated to your goal through the mood of your writing, so great job with accomplishing that; that's very important for a topic like this, especially for writing a letter to oneself.
I also like how you're setting an example for others in your writing. I bet you're inspiring a lot of readers to be more active. I know I've been inspired; I haven't been as active during the last month and wish I were more like you. I feel like I've missed out on receiving very enjoyable feedback since I went on hiatus that month.
10/10. Well-written and inspiring.


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25
25
Rated: E | (5.0)
This ended up being more relatable than I thought, and it also kept my attention better than I expected.
The title caught my attention because the subject of long hair seems to have a personal connection to me since I've also had long hair my whole life (not as long as your sister's though), and that is so because my mom nagged me all the time and still does for not putting in as much effort as I possibly could. Reading about how your sister has to style and condition her hair to make it look nice, which is more than I ever do, makes her more relatable and also makes me feel more relieved about my ridiculous onslaught of hair trouble because it reminds me that I'm not the only one who has to go through a butt-ton of effort to make my hair look slightly above decent if not immaculately gorgeous.
Also, toward the end, it's nice to hear how she can still be grateful for her long hair despite how difficult it is to manage. It helps remind me to be grateful that I have such nice long hair to begin with, even if it is a pain in the butt to maintain and I often finding myself thinking I could do better with it when I look in the mirror; it gets messy real easily.
Speaking of which, that's what makes the struggles your sister has to live with that you listed in the beginning so interesting. Growing up with people often complimenting me on my hair, I can assume that many people would do anything to have hair like that. However, like how your first two stanzas reveal, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Sure, it's comforting to know that my long hair can look effortlessly glamorous as long as I keep those annoying flyaways down, but it is frustrating to see hairs getting caught in my glasses.
I would say that more could be added, like if your has to get up early to do her hair routine every morning because it probably takes such a long time (I'm making that assumption based on personal experience; it takes me ten minutes to comb through my hair, especially when it's dry, and I think that's far more than the average amount of time it should take to brush one's hair), but I think you did more than a good enough job getting your point across, which is what really matters.


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