Hi, I am Farooq. The review below reflect my thoughts and the way I saw this story. Please feel free to ignore as I cannot claim to be an expert at writing.
You have here a story that looks like a folklore. The setting and the characters are very good. What makes them stand out is the names that you have given them. Unique. This is a big plus point.
The Epilogue could do with a little more elaboration. I couldn't understand it at first read. e.g" the foll sentence can be relooked at:
"When the stars in the sky were the same as the day he came to be and the full moon illuminated the night, his life would be safe. "
I couldnt understand the significance of this sentence:
"They started to dance."
Also the ending is not very clear and could do with a sentence or two.
I loved this :
"The prophecy came true. The owl gave me wisdom; the eagle, its sight; the squirrel, its climbing skill; the cougar, its silent walk; the deer, its speed; the bear, its strength; the bat ,its hearing; the wolf, its smell; the fox, its sharpness; the warbler, its song; and the buffalo will give me my people back. Eleven animals were under the full moon when same stars of the day I came to be were lighting the sky. Eleven animals are mine to command, one for each summer of my life." The wording and analogies are simply great.
You are good at writing. Please continue to write and I expect more from you.
Hey I am Farooq. Hope you find my review helpful and please feel free to disregard any opinion as it is strictly mine.
Upside
The story is good and simple. The descriptions are also good.
Suggestions:
The story feels very exhaustive. The sentences are very long. Take for example this:
"Mina staggered, her eyes temporarily blinded by the sudden light, her sleepy mind jolted awake, but stupefied, by her sudden appearance in this Hell of chaos and confusion, which, only moments before, had been her familiar, uneventful, peaceful village home. "
AND THIS
"She stood on the tips of her toes, stretching out to her full height, cheek pressed into the cushion of a smelly, flea ridden sofa, stashed in the shed for who knows what perceived future purpose, reaching as high as she could with her free arm"
As per my view a short story should usually be written in short swift sentences that will make the reader want to read the story further. Dense and wordy sentences will tire our the reader and he will stop reading.
But I must say that you have all the potential for becoming a good writer and I encourage you to write more.
The poem is beautiful. The words are wonderful. The rhyme absolutely flows. The only place that it stops is here: Please try to relook at the foll lines and put them in the same beautiful flow that you started it in.
"today i just wish to say that.
i might not be there when you need company
or indulge in girly talks for hours
but believe me my dear
every time a tear roll down your eyes..it makes my heart ache
trust my words coz emotions are something i can never fake
i just wished you to know
when ever you are feeling blue..i ll be there for you"
You are a budding poet. Keep up the good work and write more.
Hello ..I am Farooq and am doing the review of this item from your port.
I always pick the item based on the title. The title fits your story beautifully.
The story is good but is very similar in style and content to the Hansel and Gretel story which you make a reference of.
A small twist here and there would do wonders to this tale.
The descriptions are great and nicely worded. However you may want to take a relook at the following:
In the foll maybe you can show the desriptions rather than let the characters speak them out. Particulary the second dialogue.
“I don’t know, Margaret. I never saw a saucer shaped building before. …And I never saw a building made out of the material of a sword before.”
“The building seems to stand two feet from the ground, and the underside of the rim seems to be glowing with some kind of weird blue light,” Margaret uttered.
The following need to be rephrased in terms of tense
" I know my house is unusual, but that’s because not too many visitors ever came by to see it."
"like nothing they have ever seen."
The strange woman pointed respectively (drop the respectively word..too formal)
Miles and Margaret ran out of there with a speed that anyone would be proud of.(rephrase to add an adjective or show them racing out that will give a better impression)
Story is good but needs a bit of rework to make it different.
The narrative was great because even though the story was familiar I kept on reading because it sounded interesting. i was waiting for some thing different but it never came.
Please continue to write because you write very well.
Just my humble opinion from what I know. Please discount any mistakes from my side.
Hello there,
I am Farooq here.
I chose this item from your portfolio because the title looked good to me. You have mentioned that it is a Work in Progress item.
Would you be adding to this?
Even though it is a WIP, I wish you would read it through and correct the language as I was not able to read through comfortably. Since you have put it up for review Please take a relook so that we may be fair in our reviews and not waver from giving proper reviews.
Up-Side:
Article has potential. It tells a tale of struggle because of disabilities, but standing tall and proud with them.
Suggestions:
Many sentences need to be rephrased like the one below. I had to read through it 2-3 times to grasp what was being said.
"Six weeks early I appeared, was put into an incubator, and after spending many hours and days my retinas became oxygen starved. The reason I have some vision is because my mother regularly visited with me and this required removing my from the oxygenated environment. "
Same goes for the paragraph below:(needs to be rewritten)
"When events happened, I wanted to be able to go, no drivers license, no driver; I wasn't able to go. This is reality. Or I would be able to go but only when it was convenient for them to take me; more reality of life. Basically I'm content, easy going, and accepting of situations whenever possible. To be able to drive me when and wherever I would want to go would be wonderful. Tiz' not to be so I'm creative and organized as much as possible so that when the opportunity for me to go somewhere, I have a plan, tell the driver what I want and need, and we set a time and go"
These are just my opinion and you are free to reject them. I tried to be objective about this piece but because it was not revised , I am unable to do so.
I am Farooq and will be doing review for this fine piece of writing "The Steps"
What I like : The very fact that you thought of giving life to something so mundane as Steps need applauding. very Well done!
Imagery : Absolutely great imagery. I could visualize the steps and the arch and the meadow very vividly.
Suggestions: Hmmm! To be honest I am a bit biased about this great story and am unable to suggest anything of critical nature.
However I will try:
Change the "Brief Description" so that people want to check out your story.
Add a bit more descriptions to the steps. how they look like..what they are made of..
In the first line you mentioned "Smiths". Who is Smith? Elaborate.
It was a good effort by you to write this story. I would like to give you some of my critical comments here. Please ignore them if they offend you in any way. I just want to give you some encouragement to do better thats all.
The language needs lot of reworking. There are some grammatical mistakes that u shouldnt ignore. There are lot of gaps in the story.
It is not convincing enough as to why Joe proposes to her in an instant. The ending is not very fitting. I fail to understand what it is that u want to convey in this story. It is just a simple narration of a couple who grow old.
I mean there is no drama, no incident, no conflict to bring out soem essence. There is nothing exciting to read further.
I feel you can write much more better than this. I encourage you to have a re-look and modify the story. I earnestly hope that u will take my comments in the right spirit.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/heyfarooq/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 6:52am on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This review is given on behalf of "