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Review of The Hunt  
Review by hj_han90
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this! You write really well, and there are some great details here that really make the piece shine (e.g. "the ground was bare clay over shale"). I like that you start in the middle of the action, as opposed to giving us backstory and expecting the reader to wait to build to some suspense. There are hints that this may be a darker kind of fantasy (the casual reference to rape and the death of her parents, for example) and the chase sequence places this squarely into high fantasy territory.

Stylistically, the only change I might suggest is to watch your use of semicolons. While they contribute to the breathless pace of this chapter, sometimes the sentences become a bit convoluted. You may want to consider varying the lengths of the sentences, and don't be afraid of cutting sentences short! (Easier said than done...I struggle with long sentences, too!) This was particularly the case at the very end of the chapter, where clipped sentences might have worked better for increasing tension.

Hope this helps...good luck! And I look forward to reading chapter two.

HJ

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Review by hj_han90
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there!

Just returning the favor for your kind review of my non-fiction piece. :)

I enjoyed reading this short little piece, especially since we are in the middle of the World Cup -- I've been really into cheering for both the U.S. team and the Korean team (my heritage country)!

There is no hockey team near where I grew up (Kansas) but I've always enjoyed watching games. Hockey is such a fast paced and fun experience!

My only suggestions are for a few commas here and there, for example:

I’m not a great sports fan[,] but living in Canada ...

As the clock ticks down on the third period my heart is always in my throat[,] wondering if they can keep the opposing team ...

Overall, a lovely read! Thanks!


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Review by hj_han90
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

This is my review of your piece.

I like the flashback mechanism that starts the story, as we now know that there is a history and past between the two characters. It's also interesting how the story is directly addressed to "you" (Myra). I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this, as it's both an interesting stylistic choice, but also creates more distance between the reader and the Ru, as if we're an outsider to the story as opposed to being "in" the story, if that makes sense...although I think it's ultimately up to you!

Overall, you do a good job keeping the tension up in the story and making the reader feel Ru's anxiety.

My main suggestion for improvement...is about the dialogue punctuation. Perhaps you're from a country that does this differently (and forgive me if you are!), but at least in standard U.S. style, the period goes inside the quotation marks. For example:

"Hello Ru… I'm… sorry I missed you. I'll call you tonight. Uhh… it's Myra"[.]

The period in brackets should be INSIDE the quotes, instead of outside.

Also, when you transition from narration to dialogue, there should be a punctuation mark. For example:

I manage to clear my throat and speak[]“Myra? It's really you? Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

Where the brackets are, there should be a period (or a comma, depending on whether or not "speak" is a tag or not).

Hope that helps...just a small stylistic change that will assist your reader to follow your dialogue more closely. :)

HJ

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