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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/horsekeeper
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210 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of My Contests  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Your contests are original and challenging.
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2
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Lassie, I like your short story about Laddie. He is an unexpected hero who remind me of Albert Payson Terhune's Laddie in, "Lad, A Dog."


Your story has good form. It is told in a linear fashion from beginning to end and developed Laddie's character very well.

There are a few errors in the grammar, mostly missing commas. When conjunctions are used to separate what could be independant sentences commas must be used.

His mamma brought him here frequently, and she had tried to coax him close to the water's edge, but he was not going close to the water that gently rolled in and lapped at the shore.


I enjoyed reading this and hope that you share more "Laddie" stories.

Best regards
Vickie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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3
Review of HARDLY HEATHENS  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey DRSmith, I just finished reading your short story about a young man's experiences with religion.
First impression:Interesting take on religous close mindedness.
My most favorite part(s):
I like the little pieces of history, about how the natives welcomed the new-comers.
My least favorite part(s):
There is refernce to things that I do not know about and had to look up, like the name of a sports team.
Advice:
When using a sports team name it is a good idea to say what sport that is.
Overall impression:
I like how it starts with closed mindedness on the narators part, then it goes through how he considers himself open minded, and ends with him closing his book and mind.*ThumbsUpR*
Thanks for sharing
Best regards
Vickie

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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4
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey L, I just finished reading your good story about capture evasion. There was a lot of action in this story. Good job with showing that.

Thought: I really would have liked to see what else was in the corn field. You introduced a character then left it there. That's not the best strategy for short stories where the first paragraph should hook the reader with interesting characters and settings.

These 24hr short story contests are hard, I know.
So good job overall.
Best regards
Vickie
5
5
Review of Joey Versus Santa  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Angus, This story came up as a random read. Interesting, is Joey a child or a dwarf *Think* I'll never know.

Niggle: I thought that Santa's helpers were Elves. Dwarves are Sleeping Beauty's friends.

Cute story
Vickie
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6
Review of Murky Waters  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey L., I just read your scary short tale about hungry campers and an icky monster inhabited lake. I like the first person narration. It put me right into the story.

Niggles: It was a mixture of mud, algae, and fish guts, with the percentage of actual water minimal. Descriptions like this can be beefed up with sensations. It had the gritty feel of mud, the sickly green color of algae, and the nausea producing stink of fish guts, with a little water mixed in.

Thanks for sharing.
Best regards
Vickie
7
7
Review of Pinky the Rat  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think that Daddy got his just deserts, while Pinky just got dessert*Rolling*.
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8
Rated: E | (4.5)
Angus, you are a philosopher. (philosopher: lover of knowledge.)

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Plato+cave&vi...
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Paul, I just finished reading your short story about a revenge plot that got out of control.
Nanobots are often untrustworthy little s***s.*Monster7*

I was able to follow the story without getting hung up anywhere, so good job on that.

I'm*Geek* guessing it may be a contest entry with a limited word count and that may be why the characters are a bit one dimensional.

Thanks for sharing it*Smile*
best regards
Vickie


10
10
Review of Mosquito  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, that went fast. He was dead before I got to know him.😯 Your description of his death is very graphic, I like that. But, I wonder what happened to the mosquito? JK😀 One little thing: I believe it should be on a backdrop, or before a backdrop, instead of in a backdrop.
Love it.
Thanks for sharing.
Vickie
11
11
Review of TIME  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Angus, I am crying over this sad tale. The genocide of America's natives was a horrible crime that needs to be acknowledged and shown to every generation. It should not be excluded from history lessons of glossed over with cartoon movies.

You show empathy in your telling, for the woman, for her people, and for our world.

A good read
Best regards
Vickie
12
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Review of TIME  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Angus, I just read your short tale. It made me cry a bit for this poor world.

One thing I must point out is your use of the descipter "squaw" for your character. That is an English word coined during the genocide as a dehumanizing slur. Please trade it for something more respectful.
I think you must not have purposely used it given the empathy you otherwise express toward her, her people and the world.

Skipping that, it is a good read.
respectfully yours
Vickie
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squaw


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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey squeege, I just finished reading your essay. I empathize with your struggles to fit in with the world where you live and the world where your family is from.

That said, it does have some structural and grammatical issues and I am not sure just how deeply you want a critic to go.

Is this a school essay? Do you want it marked up?

Best regards
Vickie
14
14
Review of Done  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey Bill, Wow and EWWW!
I like this part best. It's a very good description. "George watched him bend to the savage work, his long fingers digging into his fleshy ruins, searching for grisly morsels like a pig for truffles."

I gave it a 3 because its not a complete story. It needs a couple more beats to show George before this happened. I need to know what's at stake, what is being lost other than his life. So that I can have more interest in what happened to him.

Thanks for sharing.
Vickie
15
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Review of The Bob  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Bill, I just finished reading you short story. I is quite entertaining. The plot is good and the characters are hilarious.
I noticed a little grammar nit, it's not serious, but you might want to fix this tense mixup. “And who are you?” he belches. Followed quickly by, “And where am I?” Belches and Followed should perhaps be matched for tense?

As always you produced a good read.
Thanks for sharing.
Vickie
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Review of THE HOME  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Bill, I like this story, it captures a main age related fear. Losing control of our personal stewardship. You know, when control over ones life is taken by another one may as well be a ghost.

And, anyplace where a visitor and some nurses can decide to amputate your leg is a scary place indeed.

I do think that some of the descriptions can be expanded on. I probably see this because it's something my own work often needs.
"The room stunk like a ripe, moldy cheese.being a vegan myself, I don't know what moldy cheese smells like. I could taste it on my lips"Sharp, tangy, gag me rotten? Or, like the sweet rot of dead flowers mixed with sulfer?

"I saw my bulging knee what does the bulging look like? Bulges can stick out anywhere. I once had a bulge on my knee about the size of a tennis ball.had turned a horrible yellow-green color and oozed pus"where doe it ooze from. What does it look like.

If you have a problem describing it, some reactions to it might help. The dead flowers mixed with sulfur smell immediately caused one nurse to throw up. On second thought those nurses are so used to it that they are probably unfazed. The visitor might work better, though I have my doubts about the reactivity of someone that wants to cut off a leg. *Shock2*
What a strange and cruel world that poor man found himself in.

That this it tracks so well with modern culture makes this story extra scary.
I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
Vickie.
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Review of The Gold Rush  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey Jeff, I just finished reading your short story about crooked government and its greed. I chose it from your port because it is the latest work in your stories folder.

I especially like the plan that the politicians came up with. As part of the plot not a real life like. I never consider the US gold rush in that light. Thanks for that. It reminds me of speed seeding an aquarium by placing cheap $ fish in a new tank of raw water. It will kill most of them, but they will establish the water quality that can support bigger more important fish *FishB* *Frown*.

Your story made me check wikipedia; because, I had never heard of a country having both a President and a Prime Minister. Live and learn.

A good read, as always
Vickie

18
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Review of Berserk  
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Jeff I just now finished reading your short story about an overworked clown getting revenge (sort of) for his discomfort.

The tone is of deranged daring almost a joyful rush of relief.*ConfettiB*

Rene Sartre a play writer and philosopher might say that he was having an existential crisis against the bad faith that he was forced to embraced.

Good read, as always.
Vickie


A "The Dark Society Review!
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Jacky, I just finished reading your short tale about intergalactic exchange, which I found by pushing the random read and review button.

I like it, short and sweet this story made me chuckle. Yard sell browsers everywhere wish for a find like that. Though usually its an artifact from the past that they want, not a space ship.

A couple of things that I would do if this were my story.
I would make Jeb's need more immediate. 3 days is enough time so that I could find many cars. If the inspectors had just taken his car and he spots the, for sale, sign while walking home...

I try to characterize more. "Jeb said, giving the hood a rousing whack"
Jeb grinned and gave the hood of his strange looking vehicle a whack.

That's just how I like to write.
Carry-on, and thanks for sharing.
Vickie
20
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Jacky, I just finished reading your short tale about intergalactic exchange.

I like it, short and sweet this story made me chuckle. Yard sell browsers everywhere wish for a find like that. Though usually its an artifact from the past that they want, not a space ship.

A couple of things that I would do if this were my story.
I would make Jeb's need more immediate. 3 days is enough time so that I could find many cars. If the inspectors had just taken his car and he spots the, for sale, sign while walking home...

I try to characterize more. "Jeb said, giving the hood a rousing whack"
Jeb grinned and gave the hood of his strange looking vehicle a whack.

That's just how I like to write.
Carry-on, and thanks for sharing.
Vickie
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Review of My Manic Mind  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Craig, I like this piece. It sounds like me, if my note pad isn't close by many "ideas" are lost.
Welcome to WDC.
Vickie
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Review of The Unknown...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Angus, I just finished reading your short Lovecraft style story. Your narrator sounds like Vincent Price.

You caught that eerie netherworld feel of Lovecraft's stories.

An invisible character could only be developed by its effect on the world. Things like is its touch burning or cold does whatever it grabs with encase the whole arm? If it could only grab his finger it would be a very small monster.

I would have put smilie emotes all over this, but I couldn't get your story to open in review tool.(frowny)

Thanks for sharing
Vickie
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Review of Tech!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Pennywise, I just finished reading your story.

Was it the smarmy twit whom killed her or is the apocalypse beginning?

Either way you made me not like her neither, good job!

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Review of The Room  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Pennywise, I just finished reading your quick little tale of terror.
*Hook*It drew me in and then twisted around and surprised me.
*InfoB* A tiny thing. her life drowned in her eyes of blue. This seems a little awkward to me. Something like, her brilliant blue eyes dulled in death.might be clearer.

It's a good story, I look forward to reading more.
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Review of I Like Marigolds  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Bob, I just finished reading your story which I found at the Screams contest.
I think it is an interesting story about multigeneration domestic violence and child abuse. It left me wondering who was really to blame, was it the male abusers whom supposedly can't help themselves because of their genes. Or, was it the women's fault for telling little girls to suck it up while resorting to murder.

Good work, keep writing,
Vickie

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