Cadie Laine reviewing for HSP class Building Emotion and Sensuality.
NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.
I enjoyed reading about your characters. You told me a lot about them.
Tone, Mood, Point of view~
The tone of the story seemed like a couple who were more friends than lovers.
"Good to see you again. Have a seat," Gail greeted as he extended his hand. They've been dating for a month, yet don't kiss when they meet for a date? If you are taking this relationship very slow then that would be fine, and maybe you are. Let them kiss even on the cheek something to show some affection with each other.
The mood was light and bright. Where did the couple meet? Was the restaurant supposed to be bright and airy or dark and seductive?
I couldn't tell if you were writing a memory or present tense, the verb usage changed within the paragraph, which made it a little distracting.
Ever since she started high school she started studying the alphabet and numbers and taught herself on how to read with her fingers. She can't wait for classes to start soon. Her red hair, green eyes, and dark skin thrives in the sunlight. Ever since she started high school she studied the alphabet and numbers, teaching herself how to read with her fingers. Her classes college classes I assume? began soon, she found herself giddy with excitement. Her red hair, green eyes, and dark skin thrives in the sunlight. This description has nothing to do with the description of her classes and history.
The point of view for the assignment was to write in the point of one character then switch to the second character within the story. This story point of view was all third person. Told from the narrator.
Characterization and Dialogue~
The characters seemed realistic because you gave me descriptions about what they liked and what they looked like. The dialogue was a little stiff, I think you need to write more body language into the story.
Showing vs. Telling~
You told me a story about your characters describing who they are.
Braille wanted to become a teacher for blind students and teach how to read Braille. Ever since she started high school she started studying the alphabet and numbers and taught herself on how to read with her fingers. She can't wait for classes to start soon. Her red hair, green eyes, and dark skin thrives in the sunlight. Her description would have been better seen from Gail's point of view. How does he feel when he sees her? Was there something in her past that made her decide on the braille language?
Gail, on the other hand, is interested in the weather. Ever since middle school he had been studying weather and how the climate works. He's grown pretty good at predicting what will happen based off of the patterns and changes he studied about. He would also love to have a chance to do something special, big or small. His white skin, hazelnut eyes, and blonde hair blends in with the crowd. His description would have been better seen from Braille's point of view. How do these characters feel about each other? Has he figured out what difference or change he wants to make in life? Is it a change in someone else's life or a difference in his own?
Both of them believes in democracy. The people should make the decision. For education, everyone needs it. They are also prolife and against abortions. They support their own country as well as their favorite country to go visit on vacation. With a hobby of hiking as well as reading, they love going to the park together just so they can lay down on the grass and read their ebook until the battery runs down. Then they go home so that they could do it again. This paragraph is necessary for the author to flesh out in characterization but I don't know what point it made with this story. Now if you were to show them discussing democracy, or education or pro-life versus abortion that would have been better. When have they been on a vacation in the last month since beginning their dating relationship? How did that vacation change their relationship? As they are on their date Braille say something that strikes a memory in Gail that reminds him of a particular hike they took and read the afternoon away, not realizing the sun was setting.
You have a lot of potential with this story. I hope you will in the future lessons think about writing more into your stories. You had up to 1500 words to use. I hope this doesn't deter you from future lessons. You can do this.
Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!