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337 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
When reviewing other's work I tend to be straight forward and honest. I do not do sarcasm as it can be taken as being rude. I do not like horror stories.
I'm good at...
I am good at finding spelling errors. I have tendency to read the words specifically, then my imagination kicks in and I can picture the scene.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Adventure, Erotic, Fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Educational, Horror, Gay/Lesbian, Occult
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters, Novella, Poetry
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels
I will not review...
Horror/Scary, Occult, Crime/Gangster, Ghost, Gothic
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 ... Next
26
26
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones. This is simply one authors opinion of another.

Overall Impressions~
What a story. It's an interesting twist on the prompt available. I like the fact that the characters even though they have a troubled past can have a tolerable relationship with each other.

Point of view~
The point of view is that of the male character/pilot. His point of view is consistent throughout the story.

Characterizations and Dialogue~
The only thing I know about your characters is they are male and female, formerly married but don't know how long ago. I don't know what they look like. The word count limitations could have something to do with that.
Although the dialogue that you have moves the story along well.

Recommendations~
There is one change I recommend, while it's completely up to you to change it.
After dragged ourselves through the surf, we collapsed onto the white, tropical sands, breathing heavy from the exertion of swimming over a mile. This in my opinion could read two different ways. One would be: "After dragging ourselves through the surf, and collapsing..." OR "After we dragged ourselves through the surf, we collapsed..." Either way would work but it's up to you.
Other than this, it's perfect.

Conclusions~
You've got a good foundation for a longer story if you should choose to continue it. Good job.

Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
Review of The Prisoner  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones. This is simply one authors opinion of another author.

Overall Impressions~
This was an interesting take on the prompt available. I like that you thought outside the box on this one.

Point of view~
At first this was hard to distinguish because I wasn't sure who or what the character was. It wasn't until towards the end I figured out he was an owl. In the middle I realized the point of view came from an animal and not human. The point of view was consistent throughout the story though, that's good.

Plot, Conflict~
The story begins the owl being caught by a poacher. The owl's spirit is a bit beaten down because of the person who has captured it. When the poacher dies, the owl realizes he can't hurt him so he tries to free himself by calling to his friends.

Characterization and Dialogue~
I couldn't clearly see the characters. I know there's one human character that captures the owl. As I mentioned before I wasn't sure if a human or animal was actually captured until the end. The internal dialogue of the prisoner helped to move the story along so that it wasn't stalled.

Technical Aspects~
There's one mistake that I could see in this piece. You might want to change when you get the chance.
The monkeys brought me some water, constantly chattering to me to keep my spirit filed with hope. "my spirit filed with hope." This should read "filled". Other than that I wouldn't change anything.

Conclusions~
This is a really good story, you might look at adding more details if you like to help the reader see more of what's going on. Surrounding trees or clearings that were made by the man. You're a great writer.

Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impressions~
This is a really great story. I like the positive vibes the characters were setting off while being stranded on and island.

Characters~
I never learned what the characters looked like. Although, in the beginning I can see they are male and female. I do have one confusion that you might look into changing in the future if you rewrite this.
The next morning, WebWitch set out to gather berries, while WebLock, used her reading glasses, always around her neck and managing to stay there throughout the ordeal, to catch the sunrays upon the downy soft weed-fluff. This was a bit confusing in that I thought for a while there were to female characters on the island. I had to read this a few times to understand that Webwitch had given her glasses to WebLock so he can start a fire with them.
This would also be the only change I recommend you make to this story.

Conclusions~
You've written well for this contest. I enjoyed reading your take on this prompt. Good job. Hope you are enjoying the game.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impressions~
I saw the description and figured it would be a good read. I was right it is a good read. You've told the story in poem format of how your children have grown and now you make the hard choice to give up their old belongings. I encourage you to remember that you have the memories still in your heart. Personally, I have not reached this point of children moving out yet, so I cannot completely sympathize with you but I don't look forward to it.

Recommendations~
The recommended changes I offer are only my opinion and completely up to you if you change.
They were useful once and very appreciated.
I realize they’ve grown, with children of their own; time moves on. When these objects of motion,
Just one of a mother’s days to remember.
All of the changes I recommend are removing an extra space. Between, useful and once. Between grown, and with. Between of and motion. Between of and a. You may have these there for format sake, then again maybe not. I thought I'd mention it.

Conclusions~
Other than the spacing, I wouldn't change a thing in this poem. It's warm and heartfelt and yours.

Thank you for sharing, Keep Writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review of Love One Another  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones. This was brought to my attention through the random review link. This review is simply the opinion of one writer to another.

Personal Impressions~

*NoteP*           I enjoyed your sermon.
It was honest and insightful.


Tone, Mood, Point of view~

*NoteP*          The tone of the sermon was loving and serious. The mood fit the type of item you've written. The point of view was consistent throughout the piece.

Plot, Conflict and Structure~

*NoteP*          The plot of the story included what the Bible has written about loving your neighbor and yourself. It also questioned if as believers we are living this way.

Technical Aspects~

*NoteP*          You've got an almost perfect piece. There is one mistake that needs to be fixed.
We are to love others as God as taught us, commanded us, and by doing so we show we are His.We are to love others as God "has" taught us,...Other than this one letter missing, it's perfect.


Conclusions~

*NoteP*          I too believe we should have compassion on everyone around us. Unfortunately,
I don't have much outside my own family. I have a lot patience but need some work on compassion. You've written a great sermon.


*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones I hope you enjoying all the reviews you've received. We've all enjoyed giving them. On the business...

Overall Impressions~
I was expecting this to be a poem of some kind simply because of where you placed it in your portfolio. It seems more of a short description for a story or a piece of your life in order to record it. That's good too.
The flow of the piece showed what was going on around you very well, I could see what was going on around you well. Yet would have liked to know what the deck around you looked like. You wrote about the day breaking in the sky? What colors did you see? Did the trees glisten in the sunlight from the night time dew? I think there could be more added here if you wanted to.
The tone of the piece was peaceful and quiet, I gathered that as you looked off the deck. What book were you reading? Then sort of just dropped off as you wrote about your parents passing and buried under the trees that were apart of the property.
This is a good piece. I recommend adding more details to it to help the reader see what is going on better. Although, it is good just the way it is too.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
Review of Rise Up  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I'm Cadie, reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impressions~
This is a good story. It's not quite what I expected but it's a good story none the less. Your main character is a mystery assumed to be a girl in the beginning. Then come to find out she's a guy, interesting twist. It begs the question are you going to continue what you've started with this story? I don't care for the fact that he had to wear a pair of jeans that barely fit. Jeans that fit snug and hug the curves of the body are wonderful but these seem to not fit him at all and yet he's still trying to fit into something that doesn't fit. Sounds a bit like his life.
Where does Liam go once he's out of the house? Why does his dad not approve of him?

Recommendations~
You could add more detail of the house Liam lives in. What does the mirror look like that he's looking into? How is his room decorated? Does he look back one more time since there's a good chance he may not come back for a while?
You've got a good foundation for a longer piece. It would be nice to see more of what happens to Liam.

Thank you for sharing, Keep Writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Cadie here, I'm Reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall impressions~
Your poem was light and fluffy as your author's note stated it was possibly supposed to be. I like your description of the unicorn, it was soft and easy to see.
You chose some really interesting words to paint this picture, the words helped to make it easy to see. The flow of the poem was smooth and sort of rhythmic. I felt like I was floating in a foggy cloud where in the clearing I found you admiring the magnificent animal you had found.

Recommendations~
I recommend no changes at this time.

Conclusions~
This is a really good poem, it's peaceful and serene. How is it that her mane was so fragile was it seemingly that fragile? I wonder what the symbolism you missed is. How did you miss this were you more entranced with the animal that you didn't realize what it was and what it represented or did you see the animal and miss something more subtle about seeing the animal. You are such a talented author

Thank you for sharing Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review of Growing Up  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, I'm Cadie, reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impressions~
I enjoyed your story. It's well written and descriptive. You've got a great memory of your Grandfather. It could use a bit more detail such as what does your table look like? What does your grandfather and mother look like?
I think with some work and maybe other memories like it, you might could have the makings of a memoir, a story of a piece of your life.
Aside from the conversation spelling errors, which are supposed to be there, I think everything else looks good in grammar, punctuation. Did you ever figure out why your mother lost her memory when she got angry? Was it something in her past or something that she was/is going through? Just offering some questions to add details about your story. What about your sister? Where is she in all this? I found the end humorous, you go from the arguing that your mother and grandfather did to the fact that you still didn't like playing cards. I wouldn't want to play with someone who cheated either. *Smile*
You've got a good foundation if you ever wanted to expound on it.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review of I Remember Daddy  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impressions~
You've got a good foundation with this story. I wish there was a bit more background on the sisters, why they are at this house and what's going on.

Recommendations~
The changes are necessary but completely up to you.

Now, if you want to here what happened that night, just sit there, keep your mouth shut, and listen." Your sentence makes sense it just needs a different here. Hear is what is needed in this case.
Once Megyn had settled herself on the couch, Jezebel turned to face Magyn, her eyes blazing blue green. You've got to keep your characters name consistent throughout the piece. Here you have MEGYN.
"Fine," Magyn shook her head, "I'll listen to the story you've build up in your mind, but then you have to listen to the truth. Here you have MAGYN. I'm just going to point these two out you can change any others there may be.
Daddy dropped me then Granddad grabbed him by the front of his t-shirt and started betting him. betting needs to be changed to beating. The next statement is correct, beating.
"How did... George, told you. Didn't her?" George, is normally a man's name while it could be a female name. "Didn't her" is what needs to be corrected. Logically the way it's written it should read "Didn't he?" But with a possible cross gender name like George, it could read "Didn't she?" You choose the way it's supposed to be.

Conclusions~
Your characters could use a bit more description along with the story and scene background. It's a good story, I was hooked from the beginning.

Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm Cadie reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impression~
You've got a good story here. An interesting beginning in that you start with a mobster type character, then move to a female character. You did well keeping the point of view clear. You added enough history and description to keep me reading and understand why Emma moved.
The characters are well descriptive and the dialogue helps the story move along.
I like that you created Emma with the strength to know when to leave. My question right now is, does Blake follow or does he let her go? This could be some something that is answered in a later chapter, too.

Recommendations~
There are a few minor changes you might make.

Recoiling at the revelation of this man's true heart, Juan whimpered unconsciously as any man might do when he faces imminent death. you could change "faces" to faced. This would keep the verb tense the same throughout the sentence.

Once Diego was in the car, he quickly grasped the knife and yanked it from Juan's foot, ignoring? Juan's moan of pain There is a question mark that doesn't need to be there.

her trusty Chromebook, and every other item?she might possibly need--over her shoulder, causing her to walk lopsided. This is in reference to Emma's Mary Poppins bag. The question mark needs to be removed here also.

Conclusions~
Whew! What a story! It's easy to read and a long read at that. This is a good foundation although I don't see much romance in it as of yet but maybe your two main love characters haven't met yet. I hope they meet soon, I'd like to see them kindle a relationship.

Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review of Poison  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I'm Cadie reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Personal Impression~
I enjoy reading romance stories. Yours has good descriptions in it. I don't care for the fowl language but it's your story. For me it takes away from the story a little bit.

Point of View~
The changes in point of view flowed okay. What you might look at doing is when your writing the character's thoughts italicize so that the reader knows it's not just narrative. It's actually what the character is thinking but not saying.

Characterization~
You've got great descriptions of your characters in this story. I understand that Alex is the dominant type of character while Mark is passive. What is the story behind Alex and Mark? Granted that may not be where you want to focus this story. Why is there an automatic attraction between Ivy and Alex? Why didn't a nurse come in and check on her? Logically when a female is in this position, it's better for a female officer to be there along with a male officer not two male in the same room with a female victim. You see this in all the movies and tv shows with cops. Something to look at in terms of realism.

Recommendations~
You've done a good job in punctuation and grammar. There are a few places that I recommend changes.
Mark brings me back to reality needs a period.

Jumping out his seat but meeting my glare made him think better and sit back down. Good. Jumping out 'of' his seat...

“Hey look at me.” Marcus pleads
“I need your name and then you can tell me everything I need to know to help you okay?”
need to move the second part of the conversation up to the first part because Mark is the one still talking.

This has the beginnings of a good story. I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
Review of William the Great  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones.

Personal Opinion~
I needed this story. I needed to laugh today. It was interesting because through out I was thinking it would be time travel or something like that. Instead you ended with "A couple of days later, this feeling passed." *Laugh*
It was funny. I wasn't exactly sure what the crack of lightning had to do with the walnut until the end.

Recommendations~
Only one simple change to the story, when you change from Will's point of view to King Telmah separate the scenes, no matter how short or long, with a space. With the space it makes the story easier to read and know when you are switching points of view.
I would have liked to know what Will and the King looked like. The king you said was old and Will you said was young but other than that, there's nothing. What was will wearing? You did well in describing how he was feeling and what he saw.

Conclusion~
You've got a good story. It's got a beginning, a middle and an end. Unfortunate end for the King and his people. A good story none the less. It made me laugh.

Thank you for sharing, Keep Writing.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm Cadie reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones.

Personal Opinion~
Wow! The story line was well written. The characters were well rounded. I liked the end the best, it was heartfelt and warm. You seem to know your robotics information, your descriptions seemed realistic. I don't really deal with robotics but I used my imagination to see what you were writing. It was easily done.

Tone and Mood~
The tone of the story was well played out. It showed how one person who sees things and people in a different perspective can find what they really want in life.

Scene, Characterizations, Descriptions~
I could see the scene in the story and the characters. I thought there was one part that was confusing in the beginning where Simon was looking out the conference room window. A woman came in, but Simon didn't turn from the window when she came in. Maybe he didn't have to but I assumed he needed to. You might look at that part and tweak it a bit or leave it. The descriptions were thorough enough to see what was going on. I would have liked to see more of the development of the relationship between Simon and Aimie. The reader over time doesn't see that deepening relationship. They just see Simon and Aimie together a couple of times then wham bam she loves him.

Recommendations and Conclusions~
Sim, Jan and Karolynne took there seats at the table. This is at the meeting with Mr. Forge and Elder. I think you meant to put 'on' on the end of Simon. You've not used Sim before or after this. That's it.
One other thing. The title, I'm not sure about. What's The Turing Fallacy? The description fits perfectly.

I loved the story. It's got great characters, knowledgeable information about robotics and the future of what they have to offer us.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
40
40
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Cadie here reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones This review is just one opinion of someone else reading what you've written.

I see in your portfolio you've got a few of these fifty-five word stories. This is interesting, it's just short enough to tell a story and yet short enough to be a prompt also. It's a good start to a longer piece of creepy proportions.
What happens next? Is the tentacled monster going to eat the other passenger? Or is the passenger going to escape? Oh wait they could both be from rival worlds and become friends because they are stuck. How did these two get stuck? Who knows. You've got a good foundation just need to keep it going.

There is not any grammatical errors, and you spelled everything correctly. You did well in choosing words that work within your word count. Great job on this piece there's a beginning, and middle the end has been sort of left off so that it could be continued later. I look forward to reading more of your work. I recommend changing NOTHING in this piece, it's perfect the way it is.

Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
41
41
Review of Bookworm  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, I'm Cadie, reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Your description intrigued me. I really enjoy reading stories about characters who read and write. It may sound weird, but that's me. *Smile* You've got a good foundation, but wonder where the plot is going to go. Can the books become virtual reality, or will she enjoy the physical touch of books and the written word. Does she soon find out that books are banned for some reason by the government? What happens next?

A couple of minor changes I recommend - completely optional.
Everything was so out of date that really that was the only place to send them. This is a bit confusing even though I know you are referencing the museum you might rewrite like this. "Everything was so out of date the museum really was the only place to send them."

This was gramps secret place. Gramps needs to be capitalized.

You've got a good base. Sort of reminds me of the premise to The Book Thief which I have not read nor seen but want to. I look forward to reading more in the future.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
42
42
Review of W&L  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm Cadie reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones.

This story is a good beginning, although, I don't understand what the female guard had to do with the story in the beginning. I read the description of the book and wonder what happens next with this chapter?
I would recommend adding a bit more description of the office is it wood paneling? Are there pictures on the desk or walls? What does the traffic control officers look like? How did Yuri get in her position and why is she tired of it?

The conversation between Yuri and the, I assume plane, is a bit confusing to read.
I recommend, an addition to the conversation.
"Thank you. Sieda 925 landing. Just hope I don't need an anchor for this place."
Towards the end of the conversation after the permission to land; "Thank you, Lyb Grats," pause "Sieda 925 landing. Just hope..." This is the part that I was confusing to me.

Who is Lyb Grats and Sieda 925? Why are they joking about sinking and needing more anchors? Just questions you might think about.

It's a good story foundation, just needs more details. Look forward to reading more if you have it.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
43
43
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Cadie here I'm reviewing on behalf of "Game of Thrones

Overall Impression
         While you were going for dark and scary, for me it wasn't scary. There wasn't enough emotion in the story to merit scary. It's a good foundation for a scary story but there's details missing. Why hasn't she let the dream take her if she continues to have it every night? How far into this dream has she come to be dragged into a cave? You make it seem like she's had the same dream for years yet, nothing happens in the dream except that she walks to a cave and falls into darkness.

Recommended Changes
These are simply my opinion.
A chill wind whispered sharply through the rocks, pushed itself heartily against her, and rubbed her skin numb with cold. add a "y" to the end of chill. "A chilly wind whispered..."

Fear stirred restlessly within her like a living creature and tightened her belly while dryness closed the tissues of her throat. I recommend this: "Fear stirred restlessly within her like a living creature, tightening her stomach, while dryness closed the tissues of her throat." This way shows more action than telling the story.

She raised her hands in front of her face as though to place a barrier between herself and what she dimly sensed in that cave. I recommend you change "dimly". Dimly in this story was used about three times. While the word used in the story was meant as unclear, unknowing. For me it didn't fit, I always thought of dim and not smart/dumb. The main character is smart and accomplished.

It could not be part of her civilized soul. It could not. This reads stiff, loosen up a bit. Something like: This couldn't be a part of civilized soul, it wasn't possible. She fought against the thoughts of how horrible she could be, raging through her mind. She couldn't believe it.

Conclusion
This is a good foundation for a story. It read as if you were telling me what was going on and not showing me. I liked it.

Thank you for sharing, Keep writing
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
44
44
Review of Future's Chance  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am Cadie, reviewing on behalf of Game of Thrones.

I wanted to let you know that this is a very intense story. In the beginning I was not sure how it was classified as Science fiction. As I continued to read I understood.

Your characters are a bit flat in description, you don't give much information on how they look. The background description is a bit vague too. I don't know what Max sees out the window, or what his office looks like. The plot of the story is really good though, I was curious from the beginning.
I loved The Matrix reference. *BigSmile*
A couple of recommended changes; the breaks between the scene, you might make a bit longer than one *Asterisk* You need more pronounced breaks.
Another change,
He had not yet bothered to change back to his original form, instead staying five so the walls of the vents didn’t seem to be closing in on him so much. This reads really weird and took me a couple of times to understand what was going on. In the scene Max/Chance is a child climbing the vents with his mother. My recommendation is that you need to change "five" to something like "instead appearing in the child form so the walls of the vents..." I was trying to figure out what five had to do with climbing the vents.
The end was a twist I had not seen coming. I figured there was something going on with Jenn that she was as calm as she was but I didn't see that coming.
This is a really good story. I enjoyed reading it. Hope to find more of your work in the future.
Thank you for sharing, Keep Writing.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
45
45
Review of Follow His Heart  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*NoteP*          Hello, Cadie here reviewing your story for Game of Thrones. I found this while searching through the Romance/Love genre listing.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~

*NoteP*           This is a good story, heartfelt and realistic.

Tone, Point of view~

*NoteP*          The tone of the story is a bit slow yet it fits for the story line you have. The point of view is that of Sean and is consistent throughout the story.

Plot, Conflict and Structure~

*NoteP*          The plot of the story includes the feelings that Sean realizes he doesn't have for Victoria, the friendship he has with Maggie and the feelings he has for Goddess of the Elevator.
The conflict he has includes that of what Victoria is doing to Maggie in taking credit for something Maggie wrote. Is Sean going to make changes in his life to be happier?


Characterization and Dialogue~

*NoteP*          The characters were realistic and the descriptions flowed well with the story.

Conclusions~

*NoteP*          As I said before this is a good story, it's complete with a slight twist that some could possibly see coming but it's a good twist none the less. There are some changes I would recommend. It's completely up to you whether you make these changes or not.
As time went on, Sean came to the conclusion that he and Vicky would never see eye to eye on much of anything. I would change Vicky to Victoria. I get that Vicky is the short version of her name but it's the only time in the story that you use it. For consistency I would change it to Victoria.
If just seeing woman caused such a reaction, he could only imagine what holding her in his arms might do. A word needs to be added to this sentence, "If just seeing (this) or (a) woman..." I would use this because not every woman has this effect on him.
"Don't be silly!" She hissed. "This is my evening. Don't you dare ruin it or we're through!"
"We're through anyway," Sean said matter-of-factly.
The changes here are the same word in both sentences. "Through" this word through means you go through something, You drive through a tunnel. The word you want to use is threw. This word is complete, or over.
Finally, THE END IS SO SWEET!


*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


*NoteP*          Hello, It's Cadie again. Reviewing again for Game of Thrones here on WDC.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~

*NoteP*           I loved this story. It seriously gave me ideas of other stories while I read it. That's not to say I was distracted. I was completely hooked from the first paragraph. It sort of felt like a personal story that you might have lived through.

Point of view~

*NoteP*          The point of view came from the author who was trying to finish the book. Oddly enough, in the beginning I seriously thought the author was female. I am not sure why. While on the boat, I thought there could have been some romantic intercourse between the author and the captain. Then realized the author was male. Oops.

Characterization and Dialogue~

*NoteP*          The characters were realistic except for the mistaken gender. The dialogue helped the story flow well.

Showing vs. Telling~

*NoteP*           You did a wonderful job of showing instead of just telling me a story. The imagery of the inside of the boat seemed infered instead of actually described.

Conclusions~

*NoteP*          You've got a great idea here and I like the fact that the author got to finish his book before the deadline. I wanted to keep reading more of what happened.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
47
47
Review of The Broken Goose  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Introduction~

*NoteP*          Hello, I'm Cadie and I am reviewing on behalf of Game of Thrones here on WDC. I found this piece in your portfolio and was curious about what it was about.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~

*NoteP*           I really enjoyed reading this piece. It is very descriptive.

Plot, Conflict and Structure~

*NoteP*          Plot: An older woman decides to open a bed and breakfast with a gift shop.

Characterization and Dialogue~

*NoteP*          The characters seemed believable. The flow of the story was logical and well thought out. The way and when in the story you went back in time really flowed well.

Technical Aspects~

*NoteP*          Grammar, punctuation and spelling. There were no spelling mistakes. There was one punctuation mistake.
Angel gasped. “You’re not…”
“Yes, Mom or should I say “Grand.” We are pregnant! The baby is due at Christmas!
There should be quotation marks after Christmas. Possibly change the quotation marks in Grand to apostrophe's.


Conclusions~

*NoteP*          This story is really a great start. It got good foundation. I recommend that if you continue you create some sort of conflict or problem in the story. Whether that be a problematic pregnancy, or family feud within the store. The possibilities are endless. You could have another business owner come in and join with the BNB but the daughter doesn't want to. Great story. Keep up the great work.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
48
48
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Introduction~

*NoteP*          Good day to you, author. This is Cadie Laine a fellow author. I received your request for a review. I look forward to helping you with this piece. Thank you for the opportunity to read your story.

*AsteriskV*NOTE: This review is only the opinion of one author. This review is meant to help and NOT hurt.

Personal Impressions~

*NoteP*           This story is a great start and has potential.

Tone, Mood, Point of view~

*NoteP*          The tone of the story seems dreary like the character doesn't like his life. Throson seems to live in fear of being found or being killed by others who want his throne. (If this is the tone and mood of the story that you want, you are on track.)

Plot, Conflict and Structure~

*NoteP*          The Plot of the story is the story of the life of Throson, told in his own words. Questions: At the end of the story, you mention Throson becomes king, what happened to his father? How did he find out that he was related to the King? The conflict was would Mother and Son be caught? When it comes to structure, there's a beginning, middle and end to the story, looks good.

Characterization and Dialogue~

*NoteP*          While this is a good start, there needs to be more description of the characters. I don't know what anyone looks like, what makes Throson look like his father? What does his mother look like? (These descriptions may come with a rewrite.)

Showing vs. Telling~

*NoteP*          I believe that you are telling the story more than you are showing the story, this can be a bit of a tricky place to be. My recommendation would be go back through your story and circle your "be" verbs: am, is, are, was, were, be, been, and being - just a few to get you started. For example: "We worked hard, ate little and moved often." Found in the second paragraph. Combine it with the sentence before and see what can happen. "I learned early on in life that I'm nothing special just a bastard's son. Life has always been hard for my mother and I, aside from working hard, and eating little, we also moved a lot."
I do have a recommendation while I'm in this section and paragraph. "One time we stayed put for two years, but after that, our stays were closer to days than months. We grew comfortable there, but one day an old man commented that I reminded him of someone, but he could not remember who, we left that night." While these sentences are useful in the story you might look at revising them or taking a piece out. "but after that, our stays were closer to days than months." This should be taken out because one, it repeats what you've already said about how long you stay in a place. Two, it interrupts the flow with the next sentence. We grew comfortable… goes back to the two years you stayed in one place.


Technical Aspects~

*NoteP*          In my opinion there is one grammatical error in this piece. In the third paragraph first sentence there needs to be a comma after 'now'. Other than this I do not see any grammar, punctuation or spelling errors.

Conclusions~

*NoteP*          This is the beginning of a good story. I hope to see more of it in the future. Your title doesn't quite make sense with the story though. Blood Freely Given, would make it sound like the father sleeps with anyone who would have him. Hence the reason for the 15 or more siblings. How did Throson find himself king if he was so far down the line? Is Throson going to rule better than his father? Just questions to consider as you continue this story.

*NoteP* Thank you for sharing and Keep Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
49
49
Review of Mothers day  
Review by Cadie Laine
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Cadie here, I received a review request for this piece.
I wanted to let you know that this is just the opinion of one writer, feel free to take what I've said here and throw it out or use it.

Personal Impression: I enjoyed the piece. As a mother of five children I knew where you were coming from when you wrote this. At least until the end, I don't have grown children as of yet; just beginning the teenage phase.

Characters: The Mother described the life she led with her daughter. There are descriptions of what has transpired over the life of this child. I don't feel what the mother has felt. There's more telling than showing

Writing Style/Voice: This piece was easy to read through. I heard the soft voice of the mother remembering the life she's led.

Recommendations: There is one word that I personally would change. It's up to whether or not you make this change.
You kept your distant only gave me information when you felt like it. I felt starved. My recommendation is to change 'distant' to distance.

This piece has a special place in my mind because it sort of fits with my life even as a daughter whose mother kept in touch with her. I was the same way with my mother, distant and not really feeling like I needed her.
Just like in your life, you may feel starved for information or affection from your daughter. Be patient, there may come a time when she will come back to you and need more from you. My mother and I use to talk once a week over the phone. My life changed drastically to a point where now my children and I live with her. So now I talk to her every day and our relationship where it was strained and distant is now more intimate with more communication. I hope this gives you encouragement.
Thank you for sharing, Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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50
Review of The Test  
Review by Cadie Laine
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: XGC | (4.5)
Hello, I'm Cadie.
I found this piece you entered for the Weekly Quickie. I wanted to let you know that it's a really good and thought out piece. I like the characters and the story line behind them.
There is one very minor error in your piece I would recommend changing if you have time and want to. In the first paragraph, The windows were backed out and a neon 727 glowed in one dark pane. the windows were backed out, the word should be blacked. Add an L


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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