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26
26
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN

BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

E-1 #youlikeit -7- thanks for coming

Back to the scene of the crime with a new POV, Barton the Beat Cop. New eyes that won't see the same things.

>>> But none of them noticed the shadow standing there ahead, past the last dim light.

This suggests there is a third person besides Gillian and the cop. Never mentioned again?
This is the first real indication that the time of day is night. Theatre Districts buzz at night, but that's not positive. Also the words, 'past the last dim light' indicates the light in the alley is not adequate.
'standing there ahead' is vague. Does 'ahead' mean deeper in the alley?

>>>The murmur of a car, slowing down and stopping right behind him, made Barton turn around. It had pulled over across the street.

Conflicting positions of the car. It was not right behind him.
(Better to say:) The murmur of a car, slowing down and stopping, made Barton turn around. It had pulled over across the street.

>>>Feds. They loved to wrap themselves in that mysterious air of top-secret, world-saving quest.
Barton thinks true.

>>> he had a black-cat déjà vu―someone was messing with the Matrix or the fed was back.
Like this expression. Barton has some character.
>>>The man didn’t seem to hear him, but Barton’s words reached Gillian, fifty yards away.
Nice shift of focus. Also good sample of Brock's ability to concentrate.
I think we're shifting POVs here. Is it too subtle?

>>>until she stopped past the last light. As he went, he checked the location of the last security camera and scanned both sides of the narrow alley.
We pay attention to these details: More than one camera, more than one light.

>>>He stopped by Gillian and looked down at the dirty ground, spotting the large stain of dry blood.

OK, this looks like a minor problem. They have gone past 'the last dim light', and it is night. This is the location of the killing. Without a flashlight, I don't think they will see much.
PLUS the viral phone photo would definitely look like a night shot if there is not bright overhead light where the body lay. Lighting becomes critical when you have a phone picture that is mistaken for the Crime Lab photos.
***During the attack, he tries to get away, stumbling toward the light, but they bring him down even harder and that's where they kill him---in the light.

>>>Gillian pointed at the wall on the right, hardly six feet high, a metallic container against it.
(and the next sentence}
“There’s a parking lot on the other side. I think that’s where they jumped in and out of here,”

These two things, the low wall and the next door parking lot are major architectural details that make the location not a usual alley. They almost have to be lightly mentioned in the first descriptions of the alley. These are investigators, they would notice that right away. (big smile)

>>>She joined him, producing a flashlight, and turned it on. She used it to point at the cover of the container: there was a dark red footprint there. Then she slid the light to the wall, where there was another reddish trace, as if a shoe had slipped against it.
Now she gets out a flashlight? Don't they always use a flashlight in the dark?
The footprint on the container cover has not been mentioned before when they were checking footprints. It is not believable that they would have earlier overlooked this obvious set of clues.
So---How about in the initial discovery and descriptions, the lid to the container is open, folded back against the wall. They check inside for the missing pipe weapon, but do not close the lid, because they're photographing the scene.
Then Gillian later (we're not sure when) closes the lid and discovers the bloody footprint and the smear. She can add that information in a line to Brock:
“Originally the lid was open. When I checked again, I closed it and found this.”
Then the time line is justified and intact.

Another snag. If the killer-girls leave the lid open, why? The one with the wet, bloody shoe knows she's leaving a track---and the older girl pulls the lid open against the wall, hoping no one will notice. Or something like that. (?)

>>>“Three girls,” she said, and noticed she’d just sounded drier than necessary.
Brock makes her nervous. The woman is star-struck. She tries over hard to be professional. Makes the scene edgy. Good.

>>>“My money is on the parking lot’s container on the other side, but it’s already too late, it was emptied early in the morning.”
That takes care of further investigation on that side...maybe. There should be lights and cameras over there as well. (?)

>>>“It was uploaded by a ghost user, I have my best hacker tracking it down.”
Feels like there should at least be a brief response from Brock about this information. Or just a cool nod. (?)

>>>They couldn’t linger there any longer,
Not sure why she thinks that? Is it because there might be questions about Brock if word got out? Barton might talk.

>>>There was something so cold and sharp about him that made him hard to have around. Bitter, she thought. But she knew enough about his background not to be surprised at it.
Great adding to Brock's character. We wonder what she knows about him.

>>>Brock followed her around the first corner.
Gives the hint that this might not be over yet.

FINAL COMMENT: In his hard, cold way, Brock is excited to be at a crime scene, and he's learning more about Gillian. The tension they each have, for different reasons, make the scene play nicely. The street cop watching adds another layer of tension. I do have those questions about the mention of the footprint on the container lid, and the lighting at the murder spot because of the viral photo. I know you'll think about it all. (Ha!)

Best, Gale
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27
27
Review of 6. The Pull  
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN

BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

E-1 #youlikeit – 6- the pull

After reading your replies, I know some of this review is absolutely not needed, but I couldn't help myself when I wrote it. Ignore what is silly over the top.

>>>That night, after a quick bite at some diner,
Some diner? I know you're being minimal, but this is not a screen treatment. Because I know the producers would pick the diner and arrange discount food for the crew. Darleen's Good Food. (She's nearly seventy, with a gold tooth in her smile. Runs the counter by herself.)

You get to chose the diner, which is close to where Brock lives in a nameless hotel in Boston. Just seeing the diner and the name of the hotel will clue us into his financial situation. I don't think he's down and out, but I think he must have suffered a blow to his retirement funds. (?)

>>> and dropped his briefcase on a couch.
A couch...in a hotel room? This suggests something more like an apartment hotel where you pay by the month. It would have a seating area with a coffee table, the television and a writing desk. The bed is in the same room, but on the other side near the door to the bathroom, shower only. There's blackout curtains and sheer curtains on the double window that looks out on a side street. The open closet by the door has three drawers beside the hanging space with a shelf for shoes. There are order tags for laundry and dry cleaning. There's a phone beside the bed and table lamps on both sides. Someone empties the trash, vacuums, cleans the bathroom and changes the sheets every three days. There is no room service, but the cable TV has payforview. They charge for anything missing from the minibar-refrigerator. Welcome to the Washington Street Residence Hotel.

>>> Out of habit, his eyes started to scan the faces behind and around the reporter.”
All those faces and figures we try to ignore while watching the reporter. Brock looks for something. We don't know what, I know we'll find out eventually.

>>> He spent the next thirty minutes browsing chronicles and pictures.
I'm guessing he saw faces that could be important. The pictures could be from local school events, or even school annuals. How about sporting events recorded from high school games or team photos. (?)

>>> There was no way that picture came from any Crime Unit or news report.
He has figured it out. This is seeing an investigator doing his job. At least it used to be his job.

>>> Yet he couldn’t help it. He just couldn’t. The thrill of the chase. Diving into the evidence. Spotting out the real pieces of the puzzle.
A lifetime of this kind of investigation has an emotional reward. The doing of it...is an obsession. We see some of these same excitement factors with Gillian as she's working. Hmmm...

>>> He emptied his glass in a single gulp, trying to digest that bitter aftertaste people used to call reality, slapping him yet again.
I know he has been cut out from his profession, but the reason is what is important. I'm beginning to suspect a drinking problem. The addiction to the work parallels the addiction to the alcohol.
(That's me thinking) (?)

>>> then snatched it up again and shut the minibar closed.
This is the sign of awareness of a problem, but the addiction wins. I'm the child of an alcoholic so I know how hard it is.
He's not destitute of anything. Some people maintain for decades, doing their job and living their life, until it all falls apart. (But then I have doubts about this idea---see chapter 9)

So maybe we have a double meaning for 'the pull'. (?)

A short but significant chapter.
A few details would be lovely about the locations. There is a tone and sense of loneliness with some new bursts of energy that motivate action for a few hours. Very well done.
Best, Gale

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28
28
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN

episode 1
#youlikeit - scowl in a suit

The important logistical moment for Regan.
OK, when she's looking at the photo she needs to notice that the shadows are different. There are two sets of shadows. One from the flash, and one from the street light. The crime lab photos maybe used a flash to fill in, but it was also early daylight would be hot on one side and more would be illuminated, but softer without the hard shadows. Also the crime lab photos would be taken from several angles. OR the body was totally in the early morning shadows and they used flash to shoot it. Then the photos would look very similar. Go figure...

Her brain is going through this recognition while she is recognizing the back of Declan Brockner. And he's hearing her phone conversation with Bob.

And before she could stop herself, she was saying, “Agent Brockner…”
All this happens within the first 30-40 seconds of this scene. Now that's called throwing us right into the middle of the action. Really Good!

“You and your partner didn’t make it exactly a secret.”
He lets her know that he knows.

Tanya had just picked up her call when she heard Brockner saying, in such a low voice that his words were almost lost in the background noise, “The stab wounds.”
Love this really delicate moment with lots of layers. And a revelation from Brockner that is total surprise. I think for Regan as well as for Brockner.
Also the way it is worded is sounds like Tanya is hearing Brockner and that's not what you mean. You'd have to change 'she' to Regan.

“The overkill indicates rage. The killers most likely knew the victim and had a personal grudge against him.”
He blurts out this information before leaving. Surprising behavior and great plot development.

And the picture was taken in the middle of the night, not even at dawn. But the body had been found when the day was breaking, and the Crime Lab arrived after sunrise.
Gosh, this is a passive statement that needs to be cut and rewritten into Regan's words as she tells Tanya her realization. STAY IN THE SCENE.

He hadn’t even seen the file; he had only overheard what she and Banks were saying.
Her first contact with the master profiler is amazing. This is a major step forward for the investigation.

FINAL COMMENT: Lots of characters introduced, basic plot with conflicts laid out for solving, and major players defined. I tried to give you all the stuff that occurred to me while reading and then thinking about it all. I like all the different layers of characters and the variations in their relationships. Regan is very strong and Brockner promises to be a force to be reckoned with. My caution, I hope explained, is to not detour into narration when the scene should move and absorb the information if it's needed.
So, I'm into this story all the way. Let me know what you think.
Best, Gale
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29
29
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN

episode 1
#youlikeit - lunch over files

Meeting at the old rendezvous point...
>>>Please note that you jumped right into a passive-voiced description of Bolocos.
I>>>Instead, consider something like this:
Regan met Banks at their old rendezvous point---Bolocos on School St., right past the Old City Hall. Regan liked it for a perfect place to grab a bite during working hours, and Banks didn't mind the long line because the boys and girls working there were always fast to deliver the orders.
>>>And right to the all-important dialogue.

“C’mon, Reg! I’m eating here!”
>>>I think this is a reference to Bank's opinion of Taylor?


“Not yet, Riley was on it when he gave me this. There are more than we thought, may add up to over twenty, and looks like they were made by at least three different blades.”
>>>That's a hard sell unless we get one more detail about the knife wounds like very different width's of incisions to indicate different knives. (?) He must have been a bloody mess. Eww...

“And three very violent short killers.”
>>>A logical deduction, but short may be too specific. How about short or small or much weaker than the big guy they're attacking. (?) I think the speculation should be a bit more open-ended this early in the investigation. (smile)

“Something or somebody caught his attention enough to make him come closer, but there’s not a clue as to what or who.”
>>>This is one of the most unknown elements of this crime. Cool.

“The hashtag is had it coming.”
I think the hastag words need some separation.
“The hashtag is---'had it coming'.”

“You gotta be kidding,” he growled, looking at the nasty picture of the stabbed body lying on a thickening pool of blood.
>>>Here's the first real logistical problem:
This photo from a cell phone, had to be taken in the dark, so the flash had to be used. It would definitely show as a flash photo. Especially on wet blood. And the outer edges on that kind of photo would be night-black or show the flash on other objects with sharp shadows. UNLESS the immediate location was illuminated by a bright security-street light---and the photo was only black and white. That idea is logical for the bar's back door, but at the back end of the alley---what attracted him had to be illuminated also. Did the girls do something to attract him? He wouldn't see them if the alley was dark. (all this to make the phone photo look close enough to not be noticed right away.)

What got my attention is that those are the exact words Connor said, when he saw it on the news this morning.”
I don't know what this means, but mom-alert should be flashing red.

“Sure, I already had him arrested.
She blows it off with a joke, but shouldn't she have an internal jolt when she hears that?

she spotted the man sitting right at the next table, face to the wall, scowling down at his salad as if it had committed some unforgivable sin: Declan Brockner.
OK, now I know he's gonna be important. Great surprise to end this sequence. I think he was close enough to hear most of their conversation.

FINAL COMMENT: You didn't jump right into the action at the beginning, which made a sluggish start. All the dialogue and speculation is smart and their kidding each other is fun. The only problem is the night photo that no one notices. Think on that.
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30
30
Review of 3. The Lads  
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN

episode 1
#youlikeit-The Lads

Now we're starting a visit to the Boston PD offices.
Gillian surfed past them to the elevators and stuffed herself into one of the booths.
>>>I've never heard of an elevator being called a 'booth'. And 'stuffed' is an odd term unless the elevator was crowded with people.
Regan surfed past them to slip into the only open elevator of the row.

The workspace assigned to the Special Crimes Unit
>>>Kurt and his music is a great introduction before opening the door, but then instead of Regan scanning the room, we get a long narrative paragraph. Most of which could be easily integrated into her seeing each of the new characters as they are introduced to us. Maybe not as easy to initially write, but much more interesting to read. (hint)

My basic advice>>> STAY IN THE SCENE ! Characters use and touch things as part of the action. Regan has thoughts about things she sees. This is a great location and really interesting characters in her team. Weave it together. Cut the narrative paragraph and go with Regan. We'll see most of it in a far more textural context.

Tanya and Kurt, her tech analysts--- Fred, their sniper---Aldana, Gillian’s right hand ---Hank, a biochemist
>>>I like that their names and their jobs are combined. I think these guys are important. And they all call her 'Reg'.

Fred handed Gillian a steamy mug of coffee.
>>>Because they call her “Reg”, it feels out of balance that the narrator calls her 'Gillian' like the top cops do. (smile)

“Is that the victim’s body? On the internet?” asked Gillian.
>>>Good ending for the scene, and a big surprise. I love the unexpected stuff that keeps us reading!

FINAL COMMENT: Important introduction to a location and the team. Dialogue and interaction is great, just the integration of the narrative into the live action feels needed. Regan's team is a wonderful group of characters and so different from the regular police folk.
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31
31
Review of 2. Crime Scene  
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN

episode 1
#youlikeit-crime scene

>>>Immediately into the action and dialogue. All I could ask is that Regan see a couple details of how Banks looks to give him an image I can carry along with him. Hair, nose, eyebrows, hands, funny smile...something.

“Oh yeah, your little hacker will dig out all his dirty secrets.”
>>>So good, the first info about who 'T' is integrated right into the dialogue.

The alley was but a narrow dead-end passage between buildings, one-hundred yards long.
>>>This is an important location. Not just 'buildings'---what kind? Brick, wood, concrete. Old, stained, how many floors. Fire escapes? Backs of restaurants or bars, signs? Street surface paved, gravel, mud? Does the garbage smell? Make an image.

he said, pointing at the end of the alley.
>>>Which end? The street or the dead end at the back?

>>>I really liked their dialogue and how they speculated and made deductions about how the event happened. Very cool detectives. Also the teasing about the too young girlfriend. Their relationship is comfortable and familiar.

We have about a dozen people to interview, counting the boy’s family and his friends.”
>>>From this line, I didn't understand how Banks thought he had to do the interviews alone?

Banks looked up at her, scowling. “C’mon, Reg, he’s hardly thirty.”
I laughed at this. A great old-guy's reaction.

>>>I get the line about the bloody footprint, and I will remember that.

FINAL COMMENT: Introduction to the location, just needs a little more graphic detail to help build an image. The detective work is great and I like the characters working together.
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32
32
Review of 1. Morning Coffee  
Review by iguanamountain
In affiliation with OCEAN  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN


BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

Monica, as you say, this is a revised and edited version, and Chy has seen it, so I do not expect very many structural errors, if any.

I will write about the images I see while reading your words and watch the logic of the action and motivation. If there's a detail that's missing or I feel wants to be expanded I'll talk about that. When you see (?) it means 'It's just me thinking.” This begins the first five of Episode 1

episode 1
#youlikeit-morning coffee
I like her name, Regan Gillian. I'm not sure about her long hair collected in a loose bun. I rather imagined her hair being twisted up with a heavy-duty clip. I've seen lots of working women do that in a matter of seconds to keep it off their neck.

To start this off, I have to ask you intentions for this book and if it has a target audience, and if you're planning to publish? If you are...the beginning is too soft. You start with a paragraph of descriptive narration, and the scene does not begin until Conner comes stumbling down the stairs.

We are not picked up and thrust into the scene. OK, this is just me speculating, (but it's fun) Imagine Regan pouring the cup of coffee while she hears the news broadcast: They were reporting about a teenager found dead in an alley at the Theatre District. One Roger Johnson, a star quarterback at one of the finest high schools in town. Only use the broadcaster's words. And while she's hearing it, she pulls her hair back and fastens it up, transforming her image into a more professional, focused police woman. We see her hand check the badge on her belt. That moment is interrupted by Conner's entrance.
He glanced at the TV and scowled. “So early?” he grumbled.
Good beginning for him.

THEN, the description of Conner seen through the eyes of his mother, rather than the narrator.

“Rog Johnson? He had it coming.”
This could be an important comment, related to later...?

Gillian frowned, surprised at his harsh words.
Ok, here's a big one. I think personal narration between the reader and the primary character should use her first name.
Regan frowned, surprised at his harsh words.

It was a bright summer morning, and Regan drove in no hurry across town.

There is a huge difference between Regan as a person that we get to know and see inside her, compared to her relationship with co-workers who call her 'Gillian'. All my time in the military, I was always called “Peterson”, never by my name. There is a professional connotation about how the name is used.
I would love that narration or dialogue tags would be directly marked 'Regan', and leave the 'Gillian' to her professional connections.
(That's my rant about names.)

took’im down with two punches.
She's a mother, and this is her son talking. I would expect an instant reaction to this kind of revelation. Does he fight a lot? Has he been warned before? It's not comfortable that she has no reaction.

“Gillian, are you guys working on something right now?”
The contrast shows here the first time we hear her 'working name.'

She breathed in, as every time she had to talk to him. “No, sir.”
Is there a problem here? Has he hit on her in the past? Is he disapproving of her position with the special unit? We need a little hint. (?)

I like the introduction of Agent Brockner. He feels like he will be an important character:
Tall, slim, Regan thought him in his early fifties.
See...when you use her name it's the woman seeing the thinking.

“Wow… That man used to be the best profiler in the whole country. He’s a living legend…”
Yes, character background integrated into the dialogue. The best way.

“Hey, Reg. Rolling smooth. Banks is on his way to pick you up.”
Now, this is great. One of her team calls her 'Reg', special and personal. Stronger that the use of names shows relationships.

and Banks, a man her age with a nice smile and some beer belly, opened the passenger door for her.
This is a very impersonal introduction to such an old friend and partner calling him 'a man'. She can see the beer belly is maybe a little bigger, but something about her respect and friendship with Banks. A good feeling to be joining him? {?)

FINAL COMMENT: Sorry, a little more picking on the opening segment. I think beginnings are really important and require extra attention. WYRM guys had me rewriting my Knights of Sparrow opening several times. Hard lessons, hard learned, I guess. Anyway in this opening the coffee begins the image, but it needs to stay with the hot coffee in the scene. I don't have a clear picture of Regan's kitchen. Conner is great. The image of Regan will build bit by bit. The layers of her personal life and her professional job has multiple layers that are not quite defined. Separating the use of names helps. Lots of characters touched on, and not important, other than being part of her environment. Brockner did stand out. We'll see how they all develop.
What kind of car does she drive? It helps the image as she's in and out of it a lot.
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33
33
Review of 1. Morning Coffee  
Review by iguanamountain
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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A review by iguanamountain in affiliation with OCEAN


BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

Monica, as you say, this is a revised and edited version, and Chy has seen it, so I do not expect very many structural errors, if any.

I will write about the images I see while reading your words and watch the logic of the action and motivation. If there's a detail that's missing or I feel wants to be expanded I'll talk about that. When you see (?) it means 'It's just me thinking.”

episode 1
#youlikeit-morning coffee
I like her name, Regan Gillian. I'm not sure about her long hair collected in a loose bun. I rather imagined her hair being twisted up with a heavy-duty clip. I've seen lots of working women do that in a matter of seconds to keep it off their neck.

To start this off, I have to ask you intentions for this book and if it has a target audience, and if you're planning to publish? If you are...the beginning is too soft. You start with a paragraph of descriptive narration, and the scene does not begin until Conner comes stumbling down the stairs.

We are not picked up and thrust into the scene. OK, this is just me speculating, (but it's fun) Imagine Regan pouring the cup of coffee while she hears the news broadcast: They were reporting about a teenager found dead in an alley at the Theatre District. One Roger Johnson, a star quarterback at one of the finest high schools in town. Only use the broadcaster's words. And while she's hearing it, she pulls her hair back and fastens it up, transforming her image into a more professional, focused police woman. We see her hand check the badge on her belt. That moment is interrupted by Conner's entrance.
He glanced at the TV and scowled. “So early?” he grumbled.
Good beginning for him.

THEN, the description of Conner seen through the eyes of his mother, rather than the narrator.

“Rog Johnson? He had it coming.”
This could be an important comment, related to later...?

Gillian frowned, surprised at his harsh words.
Ok, here's a big one. I think personal narration between the reader and the primary character should use her first name.
Regan frowned, surprised at his harsh words.

It was a bright summer morning, and Regan drove in no hurry across town.

There is a huge difference between Regan as a person that we get to know and see inside her, compared to her relationship with co-workers who call her 'Gillian'. All my time in the military, I was always called “Peterson”, never by my name. There is a professional connotation about how the name is used.
I would love that narration or dialogue tags would be directly marked 'Regan', and leave the 'Gillian' to her professional connections.
(That's my rant about names.)

took’im down with two punches.
She's a mother, and this is her son talking. I would expect an instant reaction to this kind of revelation. Does he fight a lot? Has he been warned before? It's not comfortable that she has no reaction.

“Gillian, are you guys working on something right now?”
The contrast shows here the first time we hear her 'working name.'

She breathed in, as every time she had to talk to him. “No, sir.”
Is there a problem here? Has he hit on her in the past? Is he disapproving of her position with the special unit? We need a little hint. (?)

I like the introduction of Agent Brockner. He feels like he will be an important character:
Tall, slim, Regan thought him in his early fifties.
See...when you use her name it's the woman seeing the thinking.

“Wow… That man used to be the best profiler in the whole country. He’s a living legend…”
Yes, character background integrated into the dialogue. The best way.

“Hey, Reg. Rolling smooth. Banks is on his way to pick you up.”
Now, this is great. One of her team calls her 'Reg', special and personal. Stronger that the use of names shows relationships.

and Banks, a man her age with a nice smile and some beer belly, opened the passenger door for her.
This is a very impersonal introduction to such an old friend and partner calling him 'a man'. She can see the beer belly is maybe a little bigger, but something about her respect and friendship with Banks. A good feeling to be joining him? {?)

FINAL COMMENT: Sorry, a little more picking on the opening segment. I think beginnings are really important and require extra attention. WYRM guys had me rewriting my Knights of Sparrow opening several times. Hard lessons, hard learned, I guess. Anyway in this opening the coffee begins the image, but it needs to stay with the hot coffee in the scene. I don't have a clear picture of Regan's kitchen. Conner is great. The image of Regan will build bit by bit. The layers of her personal life and her professional job has multiple layers that are not quite defined. Separating the use of names helps. Lots of characters touched on, and not important, other than being part of her environment. Brockner did stand out. We'll see how they all develop.
What kind of car does she drive? It helps the image as she's in and out of it a lot.
We're off to a good start. Best, Gale
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34
34
Review by iguanamountain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

Cover for iguanamountain reviews ** Image ID #1264233 Unavailable **

Chapter 3
The Devil's Empire
by AurthorS

Hello, AurthorS,
This is a very long chapter, so brace up, it will be a long in-depth review. I'm associated with WYRM and that's what we do.

>>>>> “Pardon me my King,
If addressed as a title the 'my” should also be capitalized: My King

>>>> The men took their chair, everyone except Tolus whose eyes were fixed on the window.
Because Tolus is named in the first sentence, I assume the dialogue belongs to him. If this is Maurice's line, then Tolus is left hanging and I wonder about the eyes on the window? I think possibly you do not want him to participate in the following conversation?

>>>>> The King turned his gaze to him and found him sitting uncomfortably in the black metal armor of the Kingsmen.
Nice image and the description is integrated.

>>>>> I like how their physical description is merged into the dialogue.

>>>>> another decade of un-reciprocated support for this city could lead the kingdom to bankruptcy, your Grace.”
This is one negative opinion. That should be: Your Grace for the title. The same as My Lady, Your Highness, etc...

>>>>> “I have known this Kingdoms’ coin to last through many a great wars,
Note that kingdom is not capitalized here. And it would read easier as: “I have known the coin of this kingdom to last...etc

>>>>> The position of First Chancellor had been a new addition to the roundtable at the beginning of Maurice’s reign, when colonization began. The First Chancellor has overseen the founding and building of every city in Nu-Arizia. His role has been to present the Chancellor’s interest to the King, and the King’s orders to the many Chancellors of the New Lands. But colonies demand a great deal of upfront investments, and as a result Lord Hilforth and Lord Joiren have spent most roundtable meetings bickering like small children.
This is just too much information to plow through. The flow of the scene sort of fades away. Maybe some of the information can be woven in later? Or maybe it's not important. I could never remember all of this information.

>>>>> It is well known that at one time or another every Empire must fall, and when they inevitably do so, the world remembers them solely for what they leave behind.
This helps the novel relate to universal truths. Cool. I like Lucien.

>>>>> If he wanted his rule remembered he had to rebuild Zaphirose and establish Arizia as the dominant colonial power.
This is one of the CORE elements of the story. It would be more powerful if written as inner dialogue, rather than neutral narration. (?)<<<when you see this symbol, it's me thinking. Just my personal reaction to something.

>>>>> “If only there were such a man,” replied Lord Louie with a laugh. They were getting nowhere, and Maurice’s patience was dwindling. Lord Joiren said interrupting their quarrel.
Louie's dialogue needs to be separated as a line.
Maurice's patience can be merged with a little rewording:

They were getting nowhere, and Maurice’s patience was dwindling. Lord Joiren interrupted their quarrel, saying, “Lord Hilforth, why don’t you explain to our King the possible economic benefits of this city?”
note the action of the interruption comes before the dialogue.

>>>>> And if I no longer have need for a roundtable, I will cut your heads from your bodies and send them to your families as a gift for all the useless services you have provided to the realm. Have I made myself clear?
I don't know. This sounds a little harsh. It makes him into some kind of barbaric dictator. An undefined threat would play better here.

>>>>> It had been a long time; years even, since the King had lost his temper this way.
Losing his temper is far different from threatening execution. (?)

>>>>> “Lord Hilforth you’ve told us the risk of failure,” Tolus responded in a soothing tone, breaking the silence,
Tolus enters the conversation for the first time. Suggest a slight physical move to re-establish him. He makes a good change of pace.

>>>>> “I’m afraid I must insist my King,” began Lord Hilforth.
Cap the title: My King, I won't mention it again, but check all the titles that include a My or Your. (smile)

>>>>> He’d only agreed to name him First Patre so he could marry Letitzia. She had no idea the kind of monster her brother was, but Maurice never had a heart to tell her.
Back story here. Secrets and drama. Need lots of this!

>>>>> but your child could become the first official royal ruler of any colony that has ever existed.”
Hint of something that could be important if it happens.

>>>>> A ruling prince, with more power than a chancellor but less than a king, who could work as a link between the two. What better way to represent the royal interests? But only an Arizian prince could hold such a position. Perhaps Letitzia will understand some day.
This is presented as internal thought. But not in believable thinking dialogue. Feels a little long for fast thought during a dialogue with others. (?) I don't understand the link line. How about:
Yes! Maurice thought. A prince could hold more power than a chancellor...but less than a king. Our interests would always be represented. If only Leti could understand.

>>>>> “I’ve never known you to be such a poet, Lord Solientell,” Lord Hilforth responded with arrogance.
“Though it’s such a shame those pretty words have such little meaning,” Lord Hilforth continued with dismissal. ...
Hilforth's second line should start after 'arrogance'.

STARTING HERE:
>>>>>“I understand such concerns, Lord Hilforth,” Tolus responded. “
The following discussion is questions of 'what if?' and speculation. The dialogue is all polite conversation, calling each other Lord or Your Grace. It becomes mind-numbing like a history lesson. If an attack or betrayal happens, let it happen as a new plot surprise and tension grabber. The four paragraphs can be cut to: >>>>>“If we anger the Dali what is to stop them from aligning themselves with Bryon?
From here you go to discussing Lord Borelis, which is important and part of the immediate story. Realize that cuts are not bad, especially if the story moves forward.

>>>> “He’s the richest man in all the lands, even more so than yourself Lord Hilforth.”
(It's bogging down again. How about cutting so the next line is:)
>>>> “Yes, and he became the richest man by making sound investments, and a war is never a good investment. So tell me Lord Joiren, how are we to force Borelis to give us his gold?”
And you're into the discussion about marrying Addie.

>>>>> He’s right. Borelis would certainly be a much better ally than King Andris.
There is no indication at the beginning of this paragraph if it should be dialogue or inner thoughts, I guess King Maurice? Anyway it's too long and needs to be trimmed down to simple essentials. Leave some details for IF THE EVENT HAPPENS. Let the danger threaten, let us be surprised and concerned.


Also note that there is very little anger and argument that suggests conflict and emotional tension. Long scenes like this need some guts!

IMAGINE: if you did not plan this meeting and did not attend it. But instead asked Sir Danton or Lucien, “What happened at the meeting, did they resolve anything?”
How would their answer go? If you put your writing mind into the mind of one of the participants, the expanded narration would dissolve. They have egos, they have personal agendas. If we see that, it becomes very alive.

>>>>>“My King,” Tolus began.
From here there is too much comparing the choices. Suggest cutting
the Enrico argument and cut right to:
I believe she can marry Borelis. This would guarantee you royal oversight of the colony, and with Borelis’ coin it would also guarantee the safety you seek. Not to mention Princess Adelainne would become one of the most powerful women to ever roam the earth. I think it is clearly our best choice, your Grace.”
It's the argument we care about and moves the story forward.

>>>>> “Yes, Lord Borelis is very rich
Begins another long paragraph, which boils down to:
>>>>> It is one thing to trust him with a city, but another thing entirely to trust him with my daughter. Princess Adelainne is a little girl,”
Don't explain everything, leave something for our imagination. Plus you have two more full paragraphs next about the same subject.

Maurice knew that. And another reason occurred to him. Addie would never be able to defy him. He knew he’d have full control of her, as opposed to one of his sons who could grow ambitious and take the colony for himself.
That's all that's important. (?)

FINAL COMMENT: You have to be careful that the narration doesn't slide into dry, passive-voiced narration. You are wanting to explain all the details and facts rather than letting them play out as potential conflicts, tension, and DRAMA WHEN IT HAPPENS. Look for moments where there could be direct, angry argument instead of polite dialogue. Maybe a couple of these men really dislike each other. The story should not be resolved this early in the process. Unanswered questions, and possible dangers will keep us reading!
Will Addie marry the very rich man and go to the dangerous city?
Will the Queen give her assent for her daughter to go.
How can Mauice save the city?
You may find the chapter is not so long after all?
Best Gale (iguanamountain)

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35
35
Review by iguanamountain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

A review by iguanamountain

Dearest Luna (the first excerpt)
by Sesik

First, let me say, I mostly do in-depth reviews for WYRM, a speculative fiction group here at WDC.

I look at the justifications and logic of a story, the characters, the locations, and then the flow of the narrative and action. If I finish a comment with a (?) it means that's just me thinking, and not necessarily a serious critique.

I read and tried to absorb all of your preface. Personally I would never reveal private information about my life. I use a lot of personal experiences in my books, but the readers would ever know. Ha!

What you have written to explain what you are writing and may write are really an author's work notes. I have pages and pages of rambling notes about ideas, characters, locations. I draw maps, diagrams and store them all as digital scans or PDFs since they take up too much paper.

When it all boils down, the only thing remaining are the actual written words of your story. However it starts...

Coventry, 10th of April, 1834 (the place & the period)
After that as a reader I expect to read something close to the language of the period. I believe you have accomplished that very well.

I think is is important for a 'story' (not real letters) to have the sense of the events described have just happened. And much of that feeling is expressed in your excerpt.

I would suggest that to add more depth, include some remarks about something Luna has written in her last letter about something in London. You did suggest that Luna is dead and this is after the fact. That would be a dramatic event in a longer book (?).

The reality of having just seen something carries much value in a narrative. Especially if you limit the rendering to the letter format.

He hold (told) me that in the town of Coventry,

If I have never been there, I would want to know what Coventry looks like and your opinion of it. That's the physical location. You did the people fine.

There is curiosity about who 'dearest Johnathan' is and the relationship.

The town that had wooed me so has quickly lost its appeal, its people are nothing more than frauds.
I like the change of attitude and the mini-rant. This kind of dramatics keep reading interest. And even better later when he has to change his mind again and apologize.

Behind the immortal was a large clock in the town square, one which was not there previously in the day, and in front of it he sat.
I had to wonder about the appearance of the clock. No explanation is offered. Was this something they brought for him. It is wonderfully annoying.

a stark contrast to his ageing body.
That would be 'aging'.

“No, sir. The noise is secondary to the stature of whom I am conversing with.”
Not sure about shifting to direct dialogue. It seems to jump out of the letter format without an 'I replied,' or something like that. Remember we're not really there, we're writing about it in an exciting immediate style.

“And who might that be?” He asked.
A surprising question. Like that very much.

FINAL COMMENT: It is just an excerpt, but I see study and depth has gone into it. The letter style is mostly solid. It's totally a first person narrative within a supposed hand-written format. You will never have the freedom of free-form narrative. I would question if this is to be a short story, a novelette, or a full-blown novel. (?)
I would definitely shorten the preface-forward. It makes you sound unsure. THERE IS NO REASON. The writing is excellent and shows great promise. Let it stand on it's own.
I would be happy to see more and am curious to see where you will go with it.
My best wishes, Gale (iguanamountain)

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36
36
Review by iguanamountain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review for:
Serpens Cauda - Chapter Four ID #1920626 by TLPWigington
by: iguanamountain

Mostly small stuff in a big, solid story. I've read chapters 1-3, so appreciate where you are going.

The first thing that happens is the crew covering their crashed spaceship with a very large camouflage net.
“These? These are the secondaries. We want the primaries first, hence the name.” She stood confused, holding the heavy fibres (fibers) in her hands. They had never done stealth missions, it wasn’t their speciality.(specialty) The rigging of a camo-net for a ship the size of the Clocktower usually took thirty minutes under ideal conditions.

Having the ship crash landed and half embedded in earth already, she didn’t know whether that made things easier or harder.
If Carla is already confused, it really wouldn't be easier. SUGGESTION:
And now. Having the ship crash landed and half embedded in earth would not make it any easier.

Whirling them like a lasso, he threw each clear over the side of the ship, (all the way over the side...)
“Is this all you’ve done? By the Benefactors guys, (I think you mean: “Guys, is this all you've done? By the Benefactor, we don't have...) Unless the Benefactors are guys?

As if AM’s very presence manifested competence in others, the work tripled in pace. The lines were all in place and the heavy sheet was dragged over it, all three taking a rope and pulling. All that remained was to pin it down, a task AM and Carla set to whilst Oxford got back inside, shutting down everything bar their shortest range radio to keep Rhodes in contact.
The action gets muddy and the writing turns to Passive Voice. Remember the word”was” is a kind of red-flag.
SUGGESTION: AM's energetic presence manifested competence in the others, the work tripled in pace. With the lines in place they easily drug the heavy sheet over the ship. AM and Carla quickly moved to pin it down while Oxford got back inside to shutdown everything except their shortest range radio to keep Rhodes in contact.

“Looking good down there guys. Having Rhodes in the tower is a great POV for viewing the action.

the front of the canopy a sheet of muddy-brown fabric. Seen from inside: the canopy in front now just a sheet of muddy-brown fabric.

Good description!
The aggressors came like crows, descending down from the sky with their leathery wings flapping like drumbeats. A vast horde, they numbered in their hundreds, spreading out through the city streets without coordination or purpose. Laying low in the dilapidated tower, Rhodes clicked on the camera feed from his rifle. (however, this last sentence belongs in the next paragraph:

Laying low in the dilapidated tower, Rhodes clicked on the camera feed from his rifle. “Are you guys getting this?” He said softly, trying to capture the profile of the beasts through his sights.

Good image:
Like woodlice scattering from an upturned log, the man-sized creatures were all soon hidden, having burrowed down into the depths and cellars of the city.

“The earth is shaking,” he stated. The three became intensely quiet, focusing on the ground beneath them. (Note that they are inside the ship: ... focusing on the ground beneath their ship.


“Some sort of detonation about a kilometre east. (kilometer)

Confusing: Peering down over rooftops, the video zoomed through the billowing smoke and fire.
Better: The video zoomed over rooftops through the billowing smoke and fire.

. Through the breach, the flash of gun muzzles firing glittered like photoflash.
Think about it: Through the breach, the burst of gun muzzles firing glittered like photoflashes.

“Those are pre-first Generation weapons. Awkward, try: “Those are early first-generation weapons. Or: Those are even before first-generation weapons.

Great argument keeps the conflict going.
“There are no ‘normal’ people anymore, Carla,” AM snapped. “They all died last generation. You’re either a mage or you’re with us.”

“They’re organised. (organized)

Beside him AM shook her head. (Comma: Beside him,)

“Can’t tell. Too much movement - could be struggling but could just be drag.” (the dragging.”)

Good images:
Of the several dozen or so beasts that emerged from the tunnel, ten or so were carrying humans in their coiled grasp. They too were soon airborne, wings working harder to keep the extra weight aloft. Now it was clear some were alive and fighting back, with legs flailing and arms pounding at the scaled captors. (their scaled captors.)

“Prisoners? What kind of mage is this?” A whole new idea and then one drops...ugh! Very cool.

Rhodes watched as the last of the creatures became an nondescript blurr before reporting in. (blur)

Once we’re down we can get out satellite uplink working and report in to HQ.” (up-link)

“Get back to the Clocktower. We’re going into those tunnels. See if the locals can’t give us any information.”
“Sounds like a plan boss.”
Already set up for the next chapter. So good to keep us reading!

FINAL COMMENT: Like I said, just small stuff. Try reading it out-loud. Most needed corrections will jump out at you. It really takes a different part of your brain to see grammar and structure when emotion and action are driving the writing.
It's a great concept for a story and moves right along. Best of luck.
iguanamountain
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