This piece is deeply atmospheric, abstract, and emotionally resonant. It evokes a profound sense of dissociation, temporal dislocation, and emotional isolation, using strong visual and auditory imagery to immerse the reader in a surreal experience. There’s a dreamlike logic here, somewhere between science fiction and grief — where time, place, and self are all destabilized.
Strengths:
1. Imagery and Language:
You use precise, evocative images to carry emotional weight:
“light rips into fractals” and “I’ve become a thread— / unspooled, unravelling” are especially strong. These images make the abstract experience (emotional unravelling, dissociation, perhaps grief or existential crisis) visceral and accessible.
“the reflection / of stagnant water” is haunting — a perfect metaphor for emotional detachment or unreciprocated communication.
2. Structure and Rhythm:
The poem flows well and uses line breaks to emphasize fragmentation and disorientation. Each stanza feels like a breath, or a suspended moment, matching the theme of broken time and reality.
The loose but purposeful rhythm enhances the sense of falling or floating.
3. Emotional Tone:
The speaker’s isolation is deeply felt. There is a quiet desperation — never melodramatic, but unsettling in its stillness.
The closing stanza, with the orbiting of “known rooms,” reinforces a ghostly, post-presence, almost liminal state. It’s powerful.
Areas to Consider (not flaws, but possible refinements):
1. Accessibility vs. Ambiguity:
While the abstractness works well for mood, some readers may struggle to connect without more grounding detail. That said, this is a stylistic choice. If your intent is to keep it dreamlike and elusive, then it succeeds — but clarity of theme may be slightly compromised for some audiences.
2. The Middle Section:
Lines like “I’ve dialled, / fumbling for nothing” are good but may benefit from slight expansion — what’s being dialled, emotionally or literally? A sense of what is being reached for could sharpen the emotional tension.
Final Thoughts:
This is an accomplished and affecting piece. It walks the line between abstract and lyrical well, offering more on each reread.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iixor
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