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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inkerod
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1,203 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of People melt too.  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
The final sentence of this poem really set it off for me. The final sentence is what makes it good. Maybe, if you're feeling ambitious, you could elaborate on this poem. There is a lot of things you could do with it. You might try using the style of Edgar Allen Poe in your elaboration. It might work if you give it a try.
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Review of Foresight  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This story is filled with originality. Reading it is like searching through a bag of candy. Some of it I liked. Some of it I had reservations about. It seemed like some of the analogies weren't as exact as I would have preferred. Still, reading it is an adventure, and I repeatedly had a sense of discovery as I read it.
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (5.0)
This sounds like a very interesting contest. I'm feeling excited by it. One million gift points for first place! Wow! That's a lot of gift points. The picture/prompt has already gotten my creative juices flowing. There are some good writers on this site, so I'll have to be at my best.
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is good. If there are any grammar or syntax mistakes in it I missed them. I haven't seen this movie, so I am at a disadvantage in plumbing the depths of your essay. I suppose a person could say that you spent too much time giving an outline of this movie, but since I haven't seen it I needed that outline. You have given me a large serving of food for thought for when I get to see this movie.
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Review of Doodles  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I liked this a lot. It's good. The last stanza really got me. I'm wondering if this was written about a specific person or for people in general. A word of warning - there are a lot of messed up relationships out there. So I'm challenging you to write a poem about a dysfunctional relationship. Maybe about a wife batterer, or maybe just about a couple of people who, so passionate while dating, are finding out they have nothing in common after they're married. Like I said, your poem is great, but I'd like to see you write one about the dark side of relationships.
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Review of Teddy Loves You  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice! You might have a future as an illustrator, if you want to do that. You ought to check out some children's books. Your art would probably work well in Winnie the Pooh books. I wish I could draw and paint. I often wish I could paint what I see out the window at night. Not enough people draw pictures set in night time.
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Review of Claws and Teeth  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This shows originality and insight. It drew me in. But I would like to see it embellished and fleshed out. Maybe say something about predatory eyes glaring in the outer darkness. Maybe show a man killing a cape buffalo with a spear, and then having a sudden revelation about the power his grasping hands gave him. Or maybe have a group of primitive people bringing down a cape buffalo with their arrows and spears, and have them dancing in triumph over the power their weapons gave them. You could show people fighting other people with iron tipped arrows. Then maybe you could switch to an image of a nice neighborhood in the suburbs, and then bring in the final sentence. This is good, but it could be made into something longer and more detailed.
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for entry "Communication
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
In most ways we're very similar. I don't like face to face communication too. I too can't say no sometimes. I've been getting into practice doing that, because if I don't the people where I live will quickly strip me clean. One guy played me for a fool, though. If you're young I recommend that you force yourself to get outside, get out the door, because if you don't you'll end up alone in your later years. That's where I am now, and it doesn't bother me that much, but I would like to have a few people who would miss me if I died. I do have a brother and a sister, but I probably will outlive them.
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Review of Bounding Main  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
With some tightening and more explication this could have a strong effect. You might think about changing a couple of words, and thus changing the tone of the poem. Instead of "attack" the shore you might use "caress" the shore. The phrase "lost sailor's scream" might be replaced with something less violent. This is supposed to be a love poem, and these violent words clash with the overall tone. You could come up with more soothing description and some analogies expressing love - like "a brief embrace" - that's good - and go on like this a bit more, and then end with the loss of his love. What you have here is good, but it might be better.
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Review of Why Me?  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice little vignette, but I would have liked to see a bit more of the crowd at the show. This piece is good, but I think it could be better. This is just my personal taste, but I would have liked to see more feminine brooding about the way the men are trying to degrade her, just a stiff sentence or two, but darker. I guess it is the writer's personal preferences that determine that kind of thing. It's just my opinion.
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This did me some good. I got to review a few things about my life. I might have given you a different perspective. Keep blogging.
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Review of In my head!  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like your attitude of openness with your parents. I can testify from first hand experience that drugs end up causing a lot more misery than they're worth. If you get addicted to nonprescribed street drugs you can go through tons of misery. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I detect some of the usual insecurities of high school in you. You'll get over them, if you don't mess yourself up doing drugs. (That goes for alcohol too. Alcohol is just a liquid barbiturate.)
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Review of Sacred Rite  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I really liked the ending of this story. It caught me by surprise. I was expecting these people to be superstitious and bent on making a terrible sacrifice to appease some imaginary god. There are a lot of things you could do with this story. I think you could have embellished quite a bit in your description of the surroundings. Show a shadow pass across one of these person's nose. Have the candle flickering and casting shadows on the wall. I like the way you mentioned the sexual purity of the different sacrificial girls. This story could be really great if you expanded and embellished it, but it's good the way it is.
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (3.5)
The cops don't see humanity at its best. It's easy to see how they could become dour. Maybe they do commit some excesses, but I don't think disparaging all the people in a whole profession helps the situation. Songs like "Cop Killer" only make the situation worse. We need to get the cops and the communities they protect talking with each other, so we can eliminate misconceptions and erroneous assumptions. One time I saw on the local news about this woman who had been ripped off by these house painters. A cop finished the painting free of charge and on his own time. Stuff like that doesn't make the papers usually. As for your poem - I would have liked to see you give more specific examples of the problems cops face daily. Maybe you could say something like, "He has to subdue wild eyed people drunk or high past reasoning, likely to be spitting on him, and he can't know when a gun might come out and end his life."
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is good. There is a lot of character development here, which would be unnecessary if this was a story that was supposed to stand on its own, but I surmise that this is a beginning to a much larger work. The war going on with the Black Star Army is a good backdrop for this piece. I'm thinking you might be a little more succinct in this though. Look for mannerisms and gestures that reveal a lot about a character in just a few words. Still, this is good.
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Review of Ding Dong Bell  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This isn't bad for impromptu scribbling. I've written worse under similar circumstances. I'm wondering if you could take the basic thought behind this poem and deepen it. This might be really good if you choose to elaborate on it. You express something that most people in school experience. Maybe you could improve it, so that you're writing what everyone is thinking but not saying out loud.
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Review of Game Models  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (3.5)
What you have here is an intriguing idea for a computer meta program that governs every aspect of a person's life. You might could bring this idea into fruition. But as a story it doesn't succeed. Any story that is ninety-nine percent description of a computer program will not succeed as narrative. You tack on a couple of sentences at the end that is supposed to make this fiction, but it takes more than that to write a good story. So I recommend that you share this idea with as few people as possible and write this program. It could make you a lot of money. But as a story I can't grade it that high.
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem has a good rhyme scheme, and it expresses something powerful. But I would have liked it better if you worked in some imagery into this work. Maybe you could refer to Nietzsche's "dancing star" (i.e. You must have chaos in your soul in order to give birth to a dancing star.) Maybe you could work in something about the spark of creation, or an isolated person dedicating their life to the pursuit of knowledge and creativity. This poem as it is sounds like a rough draft. Work on it a while and see what you can come up with.
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Review of Novice Writer  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This piece has some strengths. You do a good job of putting the reader in the coffee shop. I felt like I was there. But most of the time I read this I was wondering where you were going with this story. It doesn't have a strong narrative line. I don't know if it was possible to inject any drama into this situation in the coffee house. I got the impression that you were deliberately downplaying any drama in the situation when the narrator contemplates trolling for a story. I suppose it does convey the message that most of our lives are made up of nonevents, and we should be glad for the good things we have. This story succeeds on those terms.
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Review of Ocean Moon  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is good, but I would like to see you expand it. Continue with the same imagery. I like your imagery. Try to lengthen it. You might think about writing "burgeoning swells hammer the shoreline", but I realize this is from the perspective of a lone viewer, and from his perspective the swells are tracing the shoreline. Your decision. This poem could be great if you put a little more work into it.
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Review of Annie of the Sea  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a well written, if unlikely story. I liked it. Maybe you could turn this into some kind of children's novel. There is a lot you could do with it. You have a good imagination. I think you are capable of great things. Keep writing. I like what you do.
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Review of Driftwood  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a strongly felt poem. It is something many people can relate to. I liked the image of the driftwood. It's good. Some of your imagery is a little prosaic, like - "snails pace" - You could come up with something better than that. The "carrot on the stick" might be too prosaic. You need to get another opinion on that. All in all, this is good, but you could polish it up.
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Review of You Look Familiar  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this story. There is such a thing as karma. There are ways you could embellish this, and there are ways you can add extensions to make it longer. You might have Allie look into a mirror and turn sideways as she ran her hand down her front. You could be more descriptive in just about all of it. Maybe you could describe the gym as "Full of people, all concentrating on their workout. Hulking body builders, women who used more finesse, power lifters, and other athletes all worked their muscles, their bodies heaving in an effort to grow stronger. Allie used to be intimidated by such places, but she found that people would leave her alone there, and not judge her for her lack of dexterity." You might say something about Jake's physical condition. I like what you have here. I always like a story about karma.
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Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very interesting. You got me hooked.
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Review of Through My Window  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed this poem. It has a strong narrative that carries it along nicely. The feelings you describe are good too. I felt this man's frustration, his sense of denial, and his loneliness. I'd like to see you write more of this kind of stuff. It's good.
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