*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inkerod
Review Requests: ON
1,249 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This has potential. The plot is sufficiently dramatic, and in spite of some terrible errors in usage, it held my interest. But you place too many commas in places where they don't belong. The result is an awkward reading experience. You might get a book on writing style to help overcome this bad habit. You did spring the bank heist well. It caught me by surprise. I wonder if you might try some foreshadowing leading up to the bank heist. You're going to have to work to get this up to par, but it is worth the effort.
2
2
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a clear renunciation of all human endeavor that is not dedicated to Christ. I do like the idea that the owners of capital are supposed to serve others, but I take exception to the idea that redemption can only come from God. It has been my experience that a staunch belief in God does not necessarily redeem a person. I've seen a few Christians say, "Oh well, the flesh is weak, so I am going to have all the fun I can." Then they engage in highly questionable behavior. The way I see it God does not need my praise. God put us here to get on with the business of improving life for everyone. We can argue whether that ideal is most advanced by capitalism or socialism but it is not only by praising God that we can do what is needed.
3
3
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is quite good. The "almost gate" is a model that could be applied across many situations. It might help illustrate the inner mechanics of the brain. This construct is similar to other theories about the structure of the brain, but it is also distinct, so that we can use it to chart our way through uncharted paths in the brain. There are other theories of the brain and cognition that overlap to some extent with this theory of the "almost gate". The Freudian notion of association is in some ways similar to the "almost gate". The behavioral interpretation of the generalization of secondary reinforcement also parallels this, along with the Freudian notion of reinforcement. The "almost gate" provides another way of looking at the mechanics of the brain besides these two theories. You might be able to write a Doctoral Thesis on this some day.
4
4
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is good. You formed a coherent narrative that held my interest. I'm wondering about the motorcycles, though. Were they symbolic in any way? I know that they portray a bond between these two individuals, but was there any other intended meaning in them? This story does feel a little baggy to me. You could get more focused on the plot and not put in so many side commentaries.
5
5
Review of The Beer Lesson  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (3.5)
This story is coherent, and it holds together thematically. The usage isn't quite right, though. It needs to be tightened up. For instance, when you write "He is fourteen years old", you might do better to write, "His meagre fourteen years of life hadn't prepared him for this" - something like that. Instead of flat out saying how old he is, work it into the narrative flow of the story. There is a lot of mistakes like that in this story. Your grammar is fine, but you need to work on your usage.
6
6
Review of After Tomorrow  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
There are some good aspects to this story. You do a good job of slowly building tension, and that kept me interested as I read it. I liked the image of the dead girl. You handled that well. But a lot of it is confused. You make too many little leaps of imagination that are far apart enough that they disrupt the flow of the story. It trips the reader up. I believe this story is salvageable, but you need to smooth out the flow. It's better than some of the dreck I have written.
7
7
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
What you have here could work very well as an introduction to a novel, or a blurb on its back cover. It is intriguing, and I like the premise. If you want to make it a part of your story it would probably work as a quasi introduction on the first page of the novel. If you want to use it as a part of the story that isn't an introduction you need to work on "showing, and not telling". For instance, in steady of saying, she "was a drug addict", have them walk into the den and have Ms. Wenn passed out in a chair in front of the tv with a rubber tube wrapped loosely around her arm and a syringe lying on a silver plate beside her recliner. Have her current boyfriend walk in and snarl, "What do you kids want?". It is hard to learn to "show, and not tell". I haven't mastered the technique myself. It takes a lot of practice. I like the premise of this work of fiction, and I think it is worth working on, but it does require work.
8
8
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is filled with strong imagery. The readers' imaginations are bathed with sensations they can almost feel through the page. For much of this poem I felt like I was sitting in a jacuzzi and enjoying the sensations described in this poem. I particularly liked the final line about being in Turkey in a Turkish bath. I liked the rhyme - balms / calms. It fit nicely into the poem.
9
9
Review of Life and Death  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This essay portrays some abstractions that we might confront as we journey through life. It is a little wordy. For example, at one point you used the phrase, it would "be in their best interests". A less cumbersome way to say it would to use the simple word, it would "help". You make a case for reincarnation here that requires leaps of logic that I have difficulty with. It is eloquently presented, though.
10
10
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is a huge amount of guilt in this piece. Michaela Ryan has obviously done something for which she has been judged harshly, and she doesn't think she deserved it. I'm sure it has a lot to do with her being a woman. There are strong connotations that if she had been a man she would have escaped this judgement. She can't escape being judged as a woman. She can't escape being a woman, even though she is a former president. It is possible to fill in the blanks in this piece with a lot of things, but I believe the most likely thing she is being judged for is sex. I don't know if this piece is a 100% accurate as to the inevitable judgements a politician of either sex faces. A lot of that kind of thing depends on the personality and the traits of individuals, but I don't think this piece intends to set a template for analyzing political history. To me, it is more of a lament about how much more likely women are to be judged for things men do with impunity.
11
11
Review of Cast the Shadows  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This story held my interest. The language is very descriptive, as it should be for this type of story. I'm wondering what you are going to do with it. As it is it doesn't form a whole story. It is more of an episode, which is okay, but I'd like to see you make this into a full length story. It sounds like an episode in a Stephen King novel.
12
12
Review of The well  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is good. It has the right amount of imagination and plausibility that can make a poem like this resonate and come alive. There are a couple of minor usage flaws, but that is about all that is wrong with it. If you really wanted to work hard on it, you could make this poem longer and just as well imagined so that it might find its way into an anthology. You could elaborate.
13
13
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This intrigued me from the beginning. I began to look for a payoff early in the story. It needed a strong resolution. I don't know if it gave me that resolution. Sometimes when a person looks for a strong resolution in a story the payoff can be that there is no resolution. I'm not sure I got the full message of this story. It seems to have disparate elements in it. In the beginning, when the story speaks about the truth, it made me want some kind of great revelation in the story. Still, I wouldn't call this story a failure. It did hold my interest from beginning to end. It had the elements of mystery.
14
14
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked the first part of this poem. I liked the language and the imagery. But when you switch to writing about poaching it is abrupt. It is a change of tone that caught me unprepared. If you could transition more carefully into a condemnation of poaching it would help a lot. There are some really excellent aspects to this poem, but, in my opinion, you might work on that transition.
15
15
Review of Samantha Rayne  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This got my attention and kept it. You pulled off a "willing suspension of disbelief" very well. I knew there was going to be a payoff early in the story, and you didn't let me down. There are a few minor flaws. You need to come up with another title for "sir". It didn't work for me. Also, your prose, while descriptive and evocative, can be improved. The grammar and usage are correct, but they're not concise. For instance, you could combine the second and third sentences to "My instincts tell me to keep moving through the dead of night." The other stuff in these two sentences are already known by the reader. There is a lot of this kind of thing in your writing. It doesn't ruin the story, but it still could be improved. This kind of prose takes work to develop, but it is worth it. I haven't really mastered it myself. Like I said, this got my attention and kept it. You maintained a high level of suspense throughout the story. It was a good read.
16
16
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is good, but it is a little too long. You could pack it together tighter. It seems to sag here and there. You might also mention something about snarling dogs and bombs on the streets of Birmingham, Alabama. You might say something about people on both sides refusing to hate, particularly Martin Luther King, as a promoter of peace and understanding.
17
17
Review of Low Pressure  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
When I finished reading this I was wondering if it hearkened to the issue of women not getting their health complaints taken seriously when they go to the doctor. If it doesn't it should. That knife embedded in her leg really got my attention. Good job.
18
18
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story drew me in. It piqued my curiosity very quickly. I was waiting for the "geagle" to play a dirty trick on Scally. You didn't disappoint. Something about Scally cries out to be tricked. I'm wondering what will happen in the next installment of this story.
19
19
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem has some strong points. I like the way you used the "ill" rhyme scheme, but I think you might have overdone it in places. I don't know about the phrase "blue planet windmill". It seems awkward. Also, I think the phrase "nil a pill" might be better as "not a pill". Still, this poem has an elegance to it that drew me in. It's good.
20
20
Review of You are Strong.  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem has some good stanzas in it. "And now he sits in a wet patch / In that stupid old chair / Confused, deaf, old, weak / Still holding the same blank, loveless stare." I liked that stanza a lot. It might be just me, but it seems like this poem could have more narrative flow. Sometimes it kind of stalls. Still, you do a good job of portraying a pathological relationship. You did that well.
21
21
Review of magpies  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is pretty creepy. It might be in my dreams if I go back to sleep tonight. I feel like it could be expanded, though. If you could maintain this mood in a story and not get repetitive you might have a classic horror story. You might say something about your mother's eyes flashing, or something. You can always hit a strong note doing things like that. I'm wondering if you are going to continue this story. I'll be looking for it.
22
22
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story is a little over written. The first sentence is a big mess. You could cut out some words in it. Instead of writing "over the tops of the canopy of tall pine trees" it would probably be better just to write "over the tops of the tall pine trees". Parts of this are well imagined. I liked "The Cat's Book of Life". It's a nice note.
23
23
for entry "Chapter One
Review by tpaulter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I think this succeeds in what it attempts to accomplish, but it is kind of melodramatic in the beginning. There weren't the underpinnings of a work of fiction yet. About all we know about the woman on the beach is that her name is Stacy. I like the contrast between the shooting of Stacy and the joy and elegance of the Christmas party.
24
24
Review of Just Another Walk  
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the rhythms in this poem. They are jangled, abrupt, but coherent and profound. It reminds me of a person in emotional turmoil walking city streets, glancing furtively at her surroundings. Personally, when I was young I preferred the beauty of the countryside to the city. As I am older I have come to love the beauty of the lights in the city too. I'd like to spend a couple of years in New York City, but I doubt if I will get the chance.
25
25
Review by tpaulter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was immediately struck by the grim tone of this poem. It is the right tone for our situation with the Corona virus. You might have put something about a person having a cough and wondering if they should notify the authorities. I like the way you ask where we turn for help with this godawful virus. What is written here is good, but it might need a little work.
489 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/inkerod