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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/j-bird
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226 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Trans/action  
Review by Jacque
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Interesting and very thought provoking... I found myself agreeing and disagreeing and then going "huh". Rejected, accepted... social tribunals and injustices... nice job. Jacque (Buttes)
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2
Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow... great introduction, grabbed me immediately. You handle your dialogue very well... easy to follow, sets up an intrigue and I want more... Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Untitled 3  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi... Yup made me smile... I am not at the point where I consider it my friend, but I am sleeping better at night (once I swallow a handful of tylenol)... Nice job my friend who is a workout junkie would love this! Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Lost and Found  
Review by Jacque
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Rebecca! Nice job of a scary short! I noted below places that I think need a quick edit. Hope it helps... You did a great job of building suspense and the end was a killer. (no pun intended... or maybe it was.) LOL

~The clock of a nearby church tower struck: eleven (remove the colon)
~experiments she’d read about: was she being filmed to see what she’d do? (remove the colon and use a comma)
~ She stood on it, and (no comma)
~ Perhaps the thud had been a twig falling,(unrealistic that a twig would cause a thud.. a branch maybe?)
It reminded her of when her mother used to take her to a butcher’s shop as a child: where (change colon to semi colon)
~Blood soaked into the ground: (no colon use a comma)

Keep writing...you have a talent for sure! Jacque (Buttes)


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Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Wolfbane...

Nice poem... second verse should be, 'they're looking through the glass' (maybe?)

I have a lot of respect for folks who can write poetry... not my strong suit. *Smile*

Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of The Rose  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi... I really like your prose, but feel it says so much more put in first person... an except below... hope you don't mind,just a suggestion. Jacque

The rose blooms in unusual colors. And
The way the sun wasis casting it's glow on it now, every petal and every vein in them wereit's petals us boasting these shades of pink that you I have just never seen before. She pausedPausing, I take for a moment to take in the beauty ofwatching the rose. It stoodstands straight and tall exuding it's confidence, knowing that no one could deny it's alluring beauty. It seemsed to soak up the warmth of the sun and wear it like a magic cloak.
She thought how the This lovely rose reminds hermeher{/x of my own self in some ways. SheI had stood out among others for hermy own uniqueness. And no, it was not that {I had been different in so many ways. Sometimes those ways made her me wonder why sheI couldn't have just been like the others. It seemed so much easier. And yet, standing here now in the glow of this perfect rose, she I am reminded herself of the amazing life that had has unfolded with the path sheI had have chosen. That less traveled path that most just gaze down.
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Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Holly... I'm back to continue reading through your part two... I how your story is played through Lucy as first person. I get that you are (UK maybe?) and I am here in the states... so some of your terms are seeming a little off to me. I've listed a couple of places below... just suggestions and by no means causing your story line to unravel... I think its a great beginning and you have me curious what is in store of Lucy in your next installment.

insisting that I stay and tidy the classroom

take some paracetamol. (I have no idea what paracetamol is... I'm assuming some brand of asprin... should it be capitalized?) just checking

but he's silenced atby a look from Officer Forster.

blinked and missed it last time.(Shouldn't it be the first time since they had only watched it once...)

bouncing off of him and landing painfully on the floor, (since you placed her on the road, shouldn't the floor be replaced with ground?)

Loving your story so far... Jacque (Buttes)
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8
Review by Jacque
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Holly, very well done. You caught my attention in the first few paragraphs! Nice flow, and suspense; very entertaining... A great start. Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Shallow Inside  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.5)
Writen well, your verse is consistent with your theme. I like that you bring the reality of self pity into the fray...and acknowledge that 'this too will change'. I think you have high lighted a common moment for most of us at one time or another... well done! Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Passage  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is really good! The only criticism I have with it, aside from some simple editing, is the run-on sentences. Other wise... excellent job of story telling! You have created vivid characters and setting. Looking forward to reading more! Jacque (Buttes)
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Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Nok2;

You have suggested a very thought provoking parallel of generations. I see irony in the fact that the more we become technically empowered, the more we become dumbed down. We put our technical advantage to the side and fill our brains with games of war or fantasy. The smarter we can become, the dumber we are...

You mention 'thinking', I think our ability or willingness to put our brain to work began to evaporate with the first PacMan game... These days we turn to facebook and the media, and if it says so... well, it must be true.

We have hundreds of friends we have never seen. Yet few of us can tell you the name of our neighbors. I find it sad how society has taken a fall to nothing more than sheep... amazing

As always, I find your ruminations intriguing. Nice job! Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Crow's Nest Cabin  
Review by Jacque
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great creepy story! The only thing I noticed, (as I was so caught up in your tale) is this sentence..."they dived towards Jacob Turner." Should be dove. Great read, thank you for sharing it! Jacque (Buttes)
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Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well this is different and entertaining! A nice way to get my brain motivated and think process processing... lol coffee and a quiz... enjoyed it! Thank you.. let me know if by chance I am in the ball park or am I aimlessly drifting in my own imaginative world?!


1) Maurice Ravel’s Bolero: I have grown up listening to this piece and have never 'formally' known its intent. What I have always envisioned listening to it is 'movement'. Seasons changing; fall to winter, the wafting of leaves from the trees; little fur balls out and about foraging. The other impression is an exodus of people; as the piece moves on, more people join the first and continue on to the crashing conclusion, (over the cliff?)... I don't know, great ballet though! And I love the music.

2) Ernest Hemingway’s ‘Cat in the Rain': Hmmm, clues. Well since the concierge and maid speak Italian, they are in Italy. Italians come from afar to visit the war monument; it can be considered a popular vacation spot. (Although due to the vacant square and the weather, maybe off season.) The wife is slightly whiny, definitely bored. The husband a total bore. The wife wanting a cat exemplifies to me the need for attention and affection. (So the husband needs to put his darn book down and hug his wife...)


3) And a very short (and untitled) short story: I have no idea... Possibly the man is wanting to hide?... (incognito?) Maybe he has a past he wants to remain hidden and the recognition is a threat in some way....

Jacque (Buttes)

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Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Those few words prompt recognition; naive attraction, cultural restraints, and Tyler's surprise over the 'moment'.


I notice the use of 'under his' twice in the sentence; maybe consider rewording it.

I appreciate how much you have packed into so few words. Nicely done. Jacque (Buttes)


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Review of Into The Fire 1  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting beginning! Young Corin wakes up on his birthday and shortly after he leaves his house/cave... he finds his world is 'caving' in. A few spots where tense is out of place... but written well. You end your page leaving the reader needing to know what is happening, and why. What role does/did his father play in all of this... What world are they living in... is there a surface world... well, guess I need you to write and post some more. Jacque (Buttes)
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Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done! It has a built in cadence when being read. I love stuff that shows strength and moving forward. A couple of spots that need a minor fix. Im needs to be I'm and promises to sb too Nice job... enjoyed reading it. Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Menolly's Wind  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.0)
Beautifully done! One suggestion listed here... otherwise loved it!

3rd stanza: "and prove their naive" (should be they're)
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Review of Into the Fire  
Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like what you have so far. In all honesty it was difficult for me to read due to the spacing which caused me some confusion in understanding the dialogue.

The only question I was left with... the reference to the ship... What ship? I got the feeling from the beginning that no ship existed and the God's were 'hovering?' over the water. (I admit I just don't read fantasy much so I am no doubt raising a non issue...) The writing is good... just space it out so it is easier to read. The content is well done...
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Review of Joey Versus Santa  
Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Laughed til I cried! Great Christmas story... love it!
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Review of Fool's Price  
Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done! You drew me in and held my interest all the way through. You set your scene's vividly and kept the activity flowing fluently. So busy reading, I failed to take note of anything needing an edit! Enjoyed it... Jacque (Buttes)
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Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like your fable... it is in need of some serious editing, but once you have given it a thorough going over, I think you will have something of value here. Good job! Jacque (Buttes)
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Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a great idea for a storyline here! I am probably the last person to bring this up, as I have a problem with it myself... but... you have your POV speaking first person, then suddenly revert to 2nd or 3rd person. I like how you have the story flow through her, but it gets confusing when you step out of that... I think if you read it out loud to yourself... you will catch where you go from showing to telling. Also there are a few spots that require some editing that you will probably catch as you read through it. But story wise... I like it and would read more. Good luck with it... Jacque (Buttes)
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Review of Halo Effect  
Review by Jacque
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What an engrossing story! Excellent, excellent...
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Review of Avrak & Eve  
Review by Jacque
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nice job of writing! Although I don't normally read sci-fi, this just sucked me in to the surprise ending. (I figured it would turn another way...) Hmmm, or will it? Very enjoyable read. You handle the action and dialogue well. Hooked me, next installment? Jacque
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Review by Jacque
Rated: E | (5.0)
Exceptionally well done young lady! You have a brilliant mind, fill your pencil box and keep writing... the humanity looks forward to you unlocking and finding answers to some of those questions!
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