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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/j.l.hamilton
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2 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Sunrisings  
Review by J.L.Hamilton
Rated: E | (4.0)
Great imagery here. And excellent use of words.

My mind buzzed. Half-thought thoughts
Jack-hammered.
I couldn’t focus.

Blurred visions half imagined, half heard

I love these lines the best.

The word half is used a lot here and cleverly. Half as in not whole.
Hide, half, missed, broken, drowned, shadow, ceased, all words used here gives the reader a tone to feel in a subtle manner. Something is missing but you cannot place it and worlds can change in a ride of a cab between the shadows and the winking sun.

I would not change anything about this unless you were using this personal moment as inspiration in a fictional piece or part of a fictional piece in which case I would give some details more indirectly.

Keep up the Great work.

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Review of Am I foolish  
Review by J.L.Hamilton
Rated: E | (3.0)
This flows well and I can feel the torment the narrator feels, the confusion almost like despite his transformation you cant help to find it/him endearing.
Keep it up. I would draft it out again and find ways to represent everything you're saying only more indirectly by example or actions or memories that can represent his changing.
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