|Nice. I like how this story just throws the reader right into the chaos. No build up to the insanity, just, "Hello, you have no idea what is going on. Welcome." The title just sits there taunting the reader at the top of the page with Hellenic images of Daedalus and Theseus, but providing only a post-industrial labyrinth. Some people just can't handle city life.
A few notes/ minor corrections:
- second paragraph 'of bits off glass' -- just a typo, I'm guessing
- the potato metaphor in the second paragraph was a bit weird for me. I don't really understand it, I guess. I have never seen potatoes fight for space in an oven, but maybe I am just lacking in an otherwise everyday experience. It's a good idea, as the heat is definitely a great theme running throughout the piece, but like i said, I don't really know the metaphor. Just something to consider.
- end of second paragraph you say the breath could not reach his esophagus. I like the imagery, but I must point out a minor anatomical detail - the esophagus is for food. The trachea, also known as the windpipe, is for air. I'd suggest switching to either of those two words, plus, I think trachea is a better word. It just sounds cool.
- 4th paragraph 'It was still there, hanging perilously close.' Lose the second clause. Just leave it "It was still there." It hits harder as the other part is implied. Plus you use the same sentence later "it was there," creating an effective repetition, hammering home the feeling of a 'presence'.
Otherwise, well done. I really like this story. If I were to offer anything else, I'd say maybe break it up a bit. The long paragraphs are good in that they stress the urgency of everything going on, but it was hard to read. Maybe just physically break it up with double space or something. Also, you cram a lot of development into the first paragraph, but it doesn't really complete anything. The story's strongest aspect is how sudden and confusing everything is. The reader is really lost with Justin as he finds his way through the labyrinth. That little bit at the beginning takes away from that, for me at least. To use a cliche, the rest of the story 'shows' while the first paragraph only 'tells'. But yeah, great job. Good luck with the publishing and such.
-- So it goes.