*Things I liked.*
I like this one better than the first because you focus more on the characters I care about- Eddie and Miranda. Brad was used well- enough to show that Eddie gets tormented, but not so much that he gets in the way of the story.
I like your pacing. You have a bit of repetition that gets in the way, but overall your pacing is good here.
I like Miranda, and how she likes to play with her prey. I also like that she’s heartless- sounds weird, but it gives more credibility to her character.
I like the emotions going through Eddie’s mind, and the change of heart he has while staring death in the face in the woods.
I like that you’re using the *** to separate sections now, but maybe consider centering them. Try one of these
*Things that need work*
You have a lot of short, simple sentences that start with ‘he’ or ‘she.’
She was barefoot as she ran out of her house again. She paid no attention to the rocks cutting into her feet. She did not feel any pain. She ran a full mile in forty seconds and skidded to a halt. She ripped her clothes off and ran naked into the woods. The branches cutting into her skin did not bother her in the least. She raced another mile and stopped at a creek, dropping to her hands and knees to lap the water like a cougar.
7 sentences starting with ‘she’ in one paragraph, WAY too much. Try combining them into longer sentences so you don’t have to repeat ‘he’ or ‘she’ so much.
Example- She was barefoot as she ran out of the house but paid no attention to the tiny stones jabbing at her feet, there was no pain.
I liked the part about the woman’s tormenting ex-husband and Miranda wanting to ‘play’ with her- but I feel like you need to introduce backstory organically. Instead of just telling us this info about her, have her show it by talking.
She hears the scary sounds.
“Is… Is that you Gary? Look, I don’t know how you found me but the restraining order says 500 yards- you come near me and I’ll call the cops, I swear I will!”
Miranda plays with her some more, and the lady can say.
“Look, I- I’m sorry, Gary- Ok, I’m sorry. I’ll move back in, Jesus, I’ll bring the kids back to you, and everything you asked for-
She’s cut short in her tracks as she sees the werewolf, then cue the death scene.
This makes the story flow better, the reader will appreciate it because you’re showing and not telling, and it adds to the intensity of the scene. Try playing around with the idea of using character’s pleas for mercy as use of backstory, instead of you just spoon-feeding us.
Next, you might want to consider cutting this down- I feel like you waste a lot of words, either with repeating things, or saying things that don’t need to be said, or telling instead of showing. I think you have whole paragraphs that could just be wiped clean, example:
Miranda woke late that day. It was past three in the afternoon when she rose. She was nude as she walked outside and looked to the sky. It was cloudy, with a glimpse of blue sky every few moments. She was again feeling restless. Her agitation was much greater than the day before. She scratched at her skin, leaving bleeding trails where nails scraped across her shoulder. She paid no attention to the wound and continued her survey of the sky. Her hair was not as smooth as when Eddie had seen it. It was matted and tangled in spots. She walked back inside and set down on her couch.
This paragraph really doesn’t add anything to the story, it just gets in the way and slows my reading down. And you have many paragraphs like this, which is a bit frustrating because I want to read your story, but these things are kind of like speed bumps that I have to wait for.
My policy is that when in doubt, cut, cut, and cut some more. I’d say you could easily cut 20-30% to make it a much tighter, smoother read with fewer speed bumps.
Here are some sentences where I changed things- I capitalized any words that I changed.
She ran AFTER him until he had no more strength,
He was scared he might get lost, but THE fear THAT Miranda could be in danger kept him moving.
He did not worry about being pulled over for DRUNK driving
Before his father deserted him and his mother, THE MAN told him IF HE FOUGHT BACK, BULLIES would leave him alone.
HE NEVER HAD the courage to stand up to anyone.
When AT last sated, Miranda threw the remains of her feast away
There were groups of students hurrying to some destination Eddie THAT would never be invited TO.
After a MOMENT’S hesitation, she turned and raced into the
It was a wolf howl, BUT lower, longer, and louder than any wolf could produce.
taking in the least bit of light and SPARKLING like green emeralds.
her body was so huge, they appeared SLENDER in comparison
Her nails were three inches and came to a needle sharp POINTS that were hard as steel.
She walked back inside and SAT down on her couch.
By the time she was home, she HAD spent most of her excess energy.
Ten seconds later, Brad held his shoulder and he was pushed hard enough that his glasses almost fell off his face.
---This sentence makes it seem like Brad was pushed, not Eddie
“Eddie, I’m sorry about that paper throwing incident. Brad is a heel sometimes.”
---maybe consider use of ‘heel,’ since this is supposed to be a college age girl. Maybe use ‘idiot,’ ‘asshole,’ or ‘jerk’
I like the way the story is moving, and you’ve got me invested in your characters. I empathize with Eddie and I want to see him do well. I want to see Brad get his come uppins. I want to see Miranda open up Eddie’s world. And I want to see how Eddie will fare as he gets sucked into Miranda’s morally lacking animal world.
I honestly think your biggest issue is that you need to cut out A LOT. There are other, smaller issues, such as telling and not showing, but I think your story will get so much better if you start cutting away. Find and cut the repetition. Cut out anything that isn’t useful or necessary. Merge those short sentences into longer ones so you’re not repeating ‘he’ or ‘she’ so much, and you’ll be looking at a much better read.