|An Encounter with the Reaper
by Puppet Master 84
Well, Puppet Master 84, I couldn't find fault with your subject matter nor your storytelling talent, so I market up a few slight grammar issues I saw. There may be more; however, I'm sure you will be able to pick them up upon review.
As for the story, I enjoyed your presentation, An Encounter with the Reaper. You supplied an enticing lead-in to the teenage date for The Dance. Then lead us into the dance where, as all teenagers do, Freddy found himself jealous of Sadie dancing with other boys, while on a date with him. However, he recovered after leaving for a breath of fresh air, and she joined him. Then, they dance the rest of the night away.
On the way home, there is an accident. They meet the Grim Reaper, who takes Sadie to Heaven. Freddy stubbornly follows them to Heaven's gate and in a conversation with God. Freddy rediscovers his love for Jesus when he remembers how Jesus died to absolve his sins so that he might enter the gates of Heaven.
Uplifting and enjoyable.
Below, I have included grammar recommendations in parenthesis. Utilize the at your option
Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.
On a Saturday night in 1956, Freddy Hamilton picked up his girlfriend(,) Sadie(.) (at her house.) After arriving, he honked his horn, and Sadie came out in a gorgeous sapphire blue dress. "Ready for the school dance?" asked Freddy.
"Sure am! How about you?" asked Sadie.
"Couldn't be more ready," said Freddy. After about fifteen minutes, they arrived at the high school gym, with its low lighting and paper decorations everywhere.
"Dang, it's an (A)antsville in here," Freddy said as he went over to the punch bowl, watching as Sadie swing danced with other boys. If they can do it, so can I, he thought. I've been too chicken to do it up until now, but screw it(.)(,) I am going to try.
After the current song was over, Freddy approached Sadie with the words, "Sadie, c'mon, snake, let's rattle!"
"Actually, I'm a little beat right now. I need to rest for a song."
"But Sadie, we're boyfriend and girlfriend," Freddy's lip started to tremble.
"I know. We can dance in a little while. I just need to sit for a song. I've danced the last five." She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her brow.
"Alright," said Freddy. He went outside, looking down at the ground. What kind of boyfriend am I when my own girlfriend doesn't want to dance with me? he thought, blowing his nose and sniffling.
Later, Sadie came out. "I've been looking for you! Would you like the next dance, you cool cat?"
Freddy perked up. "Of course!" They went back inside, hand in hand, and danced together the rest of the night.
Around midnight, Sadie entered Freddy's 1956 Chevy(,) and the two headed (they) down the long, winding road home. Suddenly, a fox ran across the road, stopping in the middle of it. Freddy slammed the breaks so hard he lost control of the car, which skidded and veered off the road, crashing into a tree. The vehicle instantly erupted into flames.
Freddy beheld a dark figure on a horse approach(ing). The figure wore a black robe, with the face obscured. Two red lights shone where the eyes should have been. The figure descended from his horse and extended a bony hand towards Freddy and Sadie.
"Eeeeeek!" Sadie tried to run away, bit(but?) she couldn't free herself from the wreckage. The figure placed his skeletal hand on her shoulder, and Freddy saw her soul leave(suggestion: as it raised from) her body, floating upwards into the night sky.
"You're next," said the figure.
Freddy trembled in his seat. "No! I'm only sixteen! I'm too young to die! There's got to be some way out of this!"
"There is no way out. This is the end of the line," said the figure.
"Look, Mr. Grim Reaper, I'm going to graduate next year, and you can't take that from me!" Freddy picked up a rock and hurled it at the Reaper. The rock traveled through him, landing a few feet behind him.
Sadie looked down from the sky. "It's beautiful up here, Freddy. You should join me."
"I can't go yet! There's so much more I want to do before I die! What about my future career? What about our kids? They won't exist if I go now!"
"Face it, Freddy. Those things just weren't meant to be," said Sadie.
"Mr. Reaper, I'll give you anything you want if you just let me live. I am almost an adult. I want to experience being one. Please?" said Freddy.
"What do you think you could offer me in exchange for your soul?" said the Reaper, looking at his watch.
"I could...um.... help you get a girlfriend? I know how to attract the ladies, don't I, Sadie?"
"He does have a point," said Sadie. "He is a flutter bum."
"That doesn't matter in the afterlife. I don't have time to date anyone, anyway. In fact, I have thirteen other people to take out in the next hour if I want to keep my pay. It's time to go," said the Reaper.
"No!" cried Freddy. He looked up towards the tops of the mountains, where angels stood, tossing white roses down. The Reaper placed his hand on Freddy's shoulder, and he began to ascend.
Freddy found himself at the gates of Heaven. Before him was St. Peter. "Are you going to let me in?" said Freddy.
"That depends. Why are you here?" said St. Peter.
"I lost control of my car and crashed. I tried to talk the Reaper out of taking me, but he still did," said Freddy.
"That's not what I'm talking about," said St. Peter. "Why should I let you in? Do you deserve to be here?"
Freddy thought back on his life, remembering everything he did wrong, from the white lies he had told, to the time he stole a record from a store. "I guess not. I take it I'm going to Hell?" He wiped a tear from his eye.
"You don't have to. There is One who paid for all your sins when He died on the cross. Do you accept Him? Or do you think you can get yourself in?"
Freddy thought of Jesus, hanging painfully on the cross. "He felt so much pain so I could be saved," said Freddy. "I couldn't afford the price to get into Heaven, so He paid it for me. He is the reason I am here!" Freddy smiled though (through) the tears.
"Correct answer," said St. Peter. "Welcome home." He opened the gate, and Freddy entered.
Sadie ran up to Freddy and gave him a huge hug. "You will love it here," she said.
"I wanted to stay on earth(,) so I could live my life," said Freddy.
"So did I," said Sadie. "However, even though it's not what we wanted, it is better here. We don't know or want what is best for us, but God does."
"I guess you're right," said Freddy. The two held hands as they enjoyed the light of heaven(Heaven) for all eternity.