*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jdennis01jaj/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
403 Public Reviews Given
407 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style will change to conform to the needs of the work. If I find no grammatical issues, I move on to something else and will always concentrate on the requested aspects of the piece per the author's instructions. I enjoy reviewing others' work.
I'm good at...
Helping with descriptive phrasing, less capable in grammar, and always aspiring to be honest yet polite. I feel that those who concentrate on criticizing are compensating for something lacking in themselves.
Favorite Genres
Literary, SciFi, Fantasy, Horror, and almost anything I'm requested to do.
Least Favorite Genres
X rated. Other than that, I haven't met one yet.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Novel chapters, etc.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poems, because I know very little about that art. However, I am very willing to give my impression of a poem. I just make no promises as to how helpful it will be.
I will not review...
X rated or anything over a rating of 18+
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
26
26
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I hope you figure it out.

jdennis
27
27
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a calming poem about the reassuring effects of true love. Many people have never experienced “true love.” They write about what they envision as love everlasting but do not capture the “gut,” the emotional bond between two people who enjoy that phenomenon. This piece does capture the essence of “true love.”

Your poetry rings with a resonance of reality and truth. Please continue writing and posting on Writing.com. I found my true love many years ago, but you remind me of who and what she is to me with your words.

Thank you.

jdennis
28
28
Review of Quirky Ol' Me  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Eliza West,

Your symptomology is exactly like mine, only fifty-some-odd years in the past. I am over seventy years old, and now I don't have to pay attention to the societal norms established long before either of us was born. You must maintain your enthusiasm for life and record it for others to learn from and live by. Write about your awakening, your freedom from the binding chains of "normalcy." Elevate your differences to a "new" state of existence, where "boring" is no longer tolerated. Push to the limits and record the outcome as you travel.

That is what reflective writing accomplishes. Tell others about your journey, the pains, the ecstasy, and the burden of being the first. When you tell your stories, include those qualities in the ambiance of the words flowing from your pen. Let your ink imbue the page with a reflection of your soul.
Keep writing. You'll do good things.

jdennis
29
29
Review of Making it Work  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jackie,

This is actually great. You caught me in the beginning with a story about an old man (like me) and a younger woman who had pity on the oldtimer and listened to his dumb stories. Only, she eventually found them enjoyable to relive with him. Then she began to record them, but for whom?

Eventually, she found an audience and sold his stories. No one else knew they were true. Those stories about his life before he came to Earth.

Thank you for the read. The journey engulfed me in a new realm of imagination.

jdennis
30
30
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! This reads exactly like a “love thing” I had in college. I believed we were in love, but she evidently lost the passion, and the ecstasy became tedious for her. We broke up with a lot of pain and anger on my part. She moved on quickly without hesitation, and I learned what “lust” was, and later I found out how to differentiate between that and “love.” This short story stirred all those memories and emotions, raising them through the multiple layers of dust in my memory to fill me with that experience again.

As I wrote in a review recently, creative writing must fill the reader with emotion. It may be fear, terror, friendship, hate, or love, but without an emotional residue left by the author, the effort will be lost as soon as the reader looks away. I carried an almost forgotten emotion through the reading of your story, and I think that will be with me the rest of the day. At least.
31
31
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! You certainly captured my sentiments concerning "today." It seems all too easy for those who hunger for power to string lie upon lie in a chain to wrap around a subservient population, then binding them and bending them to their will. I guess it's an enriching experience for those who weave the lies. "They" will suck us dry and drop the husk into the desert, which "they" will have transformed our country into.
32
32
Review of The New Year  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm definitely not a poet and seldom read poetry; however, I may begin. Your words inspire. They inspire an uplifting mood and create a musical inspiration for the soul, and boy, do we need that after the over-a-year that we have endured across our planet. Whether you believe the lock-downs were necessary or not. Whether all of the tortuous restrictions were needed to conquer the beast. Your cheerful prose shows us that our world grew closer together under our imposed isolation in some inexplicable manner. Whether it was in your shared belief that it was all necessary or in the opinion that it was a world gone mad with power and "they" were attempting to subjugate us all. We came together as a "World of People," hunkered down and whipped the beast even inside those most diverse factions. We can look forward to a brighter day. In your seventy-seven words, you said more and painted a more stark canvas of emotion than my one hundred and eighty-seven or more words that appear in this paragraph.

Thank you for re-enforcing my belief that a writer should boil the emotion of every event in their stories into the smallest package possible. You have done it well, so be proud.

Below I have included a small spelling mistake and one baffling punctuation for your review, which I believe was not intended to appear in your final product.

1. New hope for tomorow cart (tomorrow)
2. Prayers.and praises to hold (Prayers and praises to hold)
33
33
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Poetic Outcast,

I may have been the wrong person, in one sense, to ask to review your poem. I have written maybe four poems in my life, and only for this site. Therefore, I can't give you advice on your structure, word choice nor any other aspect of poetic construction. I can only give you my gut reaction to your words.

You seem to be showing your audience that our world is in chaos today basically because two groups of political rebels are forcing us into two schools of thought concerning our political beliefs. I for one agree with what you are saying. However, I hope people recognize before the end that "opinions" are worth less than the effort expended to change them. Until now we have agreed to disagree about politics in this country, and for the most part, in this world. I hope this doesn't change.

As I said, I apologize for not being able to advise you on any of the elements of poetry, but I did appreciate your little outburst toward the world. Keep writing. You have talent. Especially for capturing the true sentiments of the majority of people--no matter what side of the argument we sit on.

jdennis
34
34
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Please, help! My computer crashed yesterday. It has since been repaired, but I had to reload almost everything and when I went to sign in to writing.com I used my ID/password and they didn't work. I signed in fine with my laptop, but as you can tell, I can't type on this little keyboard.

How can I get signed on with my main computer and it's nice oversized keyboard. I am an older gentleman without much computer knowledge (if you didn't notice) and can use as much help as possible.

Thank you,

jdennis
35
35
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
nfdarbe,

"Listening for Laughter" is a beautiful poem. I don't know much about poetry, but I do know when something fills me with emotion. This short piece conveyed a truckload of emotion, and I was on the receiving end of it all. My father died of Alzheimer's disease. My last memory of him was with our family sitting in a semi-circle around his hospital bed, listening intently to the "swish" of his breath as he exhaled—until it stopped. That moment was the moment we all feared the most yet for which we silently prayed. He was such a vital man all his life, yet that disease transformed him into an empty shell.

Most days, near the end, he simply sat up in his hospital bed, staring out the window. We were all there, accept him, and we watched without knowing what his thoughts held. I like to think his mind replayed memories of us all: the better times, the best times, and even the simplest times. All those moments over all those years, and there was no room left for remorse.

Thank you,
jdennis
36
36
Review of Attracted  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Rinsoxy,

Sorry this took so long, but I did warn you that my brain is not fully functional a present. Well, here goes....

As usual, you kept the tension level of the story climbing to the point where the reader takes a deep breath with the introduction of Sean. Then, after lulling the reader into a comfortable "happy ending," your prose explodes our expectations of a happy ending, and we suddenly realize--the bad guy has returned. I especially appreciated the cliff-like ending, where she left this world at the hands of Mr. Christopher.

You always supply a surprise for me, Rinsoxy. This story needs a good vetting for minor grammar issues (I will do it for you if you wish, but I have confidence in your abilities in that area). I genuinely don't see how you could improve the plot unless you stretch the tension further. However, in a short story, I don't believe that would work in your favor.

Anything else you might do would be beyond my capabilities of advising. I generally judge the overall story based on my personal reaction of either satisfaction or disappointment after the read. Then I attempt to dissect and recommend based on one of the two. I can usually predict the ending after reading half of the story or maybe a little more in some cases. This ending was abrupt and left me asking, "what happened?" Then the realization soaked into my conscious thoughts. It only took a split second, but you earned every bit of that "split second."

Thanks for writing this and letting me read it. I gave you 4.5 to remind you to look at the grammar.

jdennis
37
37
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An Encounter with the Reaper
by Puppet Master 84

Well, Puppet Master 84, I couldn't find fault with your subject matter nor your storytelling talent, so I market up a few slight grammar issues I saw. There may be more; however, I'm sure you will be able to pick them up upon review.

As for the story, I enjoyed your presentation, An Encounter with the Reaper. You supplied an enticing lead-in to the teenage date for The Dance. Then lead us into the dance where, as all teenagers do, Freddy found himself jealous of Sadie dancing with other boys, while on a date with him. However, he recovered after leaving for a breath of fresh air, and she joined him. Then, they dance the rest of the night away.

On the way home, there is an accident. They meet the Grim Reaper, who takes Sadie to Heaven. Freddy stubbornly follows them to Heaven's gate and in a conversation with God. Freddy rediscovers his love for Jesus when he remembers how Jesus died to absolve his sins so that he might enter the gates of Heaven.

Uplifting and enjoyable.

Below, I have included grammar recommendations in parenthesis. Utilize the at your option
Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis

On a Saturday night in 1956, Freddy Hamilton picked up his girlfriend(,) Sadie(.) (at her house.) After arriving, he honked his horn, and Sadie came out in a gorgeous sapphire blue dress. "Ready for the school dance?" asked Freddy.

"Sure am! How about you?" asked Sadie.

"Couldn't be more ready," said Freddy. After about fifteen minutes, they arrived at the high school gym, with its low lighting and paper decorations everywhere.

"Dang, it's an (A)antsville in here," Freddy said as he went over to the punch bowl, watching as Sadie swing danced with other boys. If they can do it, so can I, he thought. I've been too chicken to do it up until now, but screw it(.)(,) I am going to try.

After the current song was over, Freddy approached Sadie with the words, "Sadie, c'mon, snake, let's rattle!"

"Actually, I'm a little beat right now. I need to rest for a song."

"But Sadie, we're boyfriend and girlfriend," Freddy's lip started to tremble.

"I know. We can dance in a little while. I just need to sit for a song. I've danced the last five." She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her brow.

"Alright," said Freddy. He went outside, looking down at the ground. What kind of boyfriend am I when my own girlfriend doesn't want to dance with me? he thought, blowing his nose and sniffling.

Later, Sadie came out. "I've been looking for you! Would you like the next dance, you cool cat?"

Freddy perked up. "Of course!" They went back inside, hand in hand, and danced together the rest of the night.

Around midnight, Sadie entered Freddy's 1956 Chevy(,) and the two headed (they) down the long, winding road home. Suddenly, a fox ran across the road, stopping in the middle of it. Freddy slammed the breaks so hard he lost control of the car, which skidded and veered off the road, crashing into a tree. The vehicle instantly erupted into flames.

Freddy beheld a dark figure on a horse approach(ing). The figure wore a black robe, with the face obscured. Two red lights shone where the eyes should have been. The figure descended from his horse and extended a bony hand towards Freddy and Sadie.

"Eeeeeek!" Sadie tried to run away, bit(but?) she couldn't free herself from the wreckage. The figure placed his skeletal hand on her shoulder, and Freddy saw her soul leave(suggestion: as it raised from) her body, floating upwards into the night sky.

"You're next," said the figure.

Freddy trembled in his seat. "No! I'm only sixteen! I'm too young to die! There's got to be some way out of this!"

"There is no way out. This is the end of the line," said the figure.

"Look, Mr. Grim Reaper, I'm going to graduate next year, and you can't take that from me!" Freddy picked up a rock and hurled it at the Reaper. The rock traveled through him, landing a few feet behind him.

Sadie looked down from the sky. "It's beautiful up here, Freddy. You should join me."

"I can't go yet! There's so much more I want to do before I die! What about my future career? What about our kids? They won't exist if I go now!"

"Face it, Freddy. Those things just weren't meant to be," said Sadie.

"Mr. Reaper, I'll give you anything you want if you just let me live. I am almost an adult. I want to experience being one. Please?" said Freddy.

"What do you think you could offer me in exchange for your soul?" said the Reaper, looking at his watch.

"I could...um.... help you get a girlfriend? I know how to attract the ladies, don't I, Sadie?"

"He does have a point," said Sadie. "He is a flutter bum."

"That doesn't matter in the afterlife. I don't have time to date anyone, anyway. In fact, I have thirteen other people to take out in the next hour if I want to keep my pay. It's time to go," said the Reaper.

"No!" cried Freddy. He looked up towards the tops of the mountains, where angels stood, tossing white roses down. The Reaper placed his hand on Freddy's shoulder, and he began to ascend.

Freddy found himself at the gates of Heaven. Before him was St. Peter. "Are you going to let me in?" said Freddy.

"That depends. Why are you here?" said St. Peter.

"I lost control of my car and crashed. I tried to talk the Reaper out of taking me, but he still did," said Freddy.

"That's not what I'm talking about," said St. Peter. "Why should I let you in? Do you deserve to be here?"

Freddy thought back on his life, remembering everything he did wrong, from the white lies he had told, to the time he stole a record from a store. "I guess not. I take it I'm going to Hell?" He wiped a tear from his eye.

"You don't have to. There is One who paid for all your sins when He died on the cross. Do you accept Him? Or do you think you can get yourself in?"

Freddy thought of Jesus, hanging painfully on the cross. "He felt so much pain so I could be saved," said Freddy. "I couldn't afford the price to get into Heaven, so He paid it for me. He is the reason I am here!" Freddy smiled though (through) the tears.

"Correct answer," said St. Peter. "Welcome home." He opened the gate, and Freddy entered.

Sadie ran up to Freddy and gave him a huge hug. "You will love it here," she said.

"I wanted to stay on earth(,) so I could live my life," said Freddy.

"So did I," said Sadie. "However, even though it's not what we wanted, it is better here. We don't know or want what is best for us, but God does."

"I guess you're right," said Freddy. The two held hands as they enjoyed the light of heaven(Heaven) for all eternity.
38
38
Review of Winter and Spring  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
bleedingpaper,

Wow! The first word that comes to mind is—Wow! Did I just witness a murder and then follow the victim to her grave, where she wallows in hatred of her murderer and the World she now scorns for eternity? This transition from Spring to Winter, I assume, is symbolic of her transition from life's brilliance into the Morbid mood death has delivered her. Your story provides plenty of justification for those changes in her. I assume they are changes. The character seems to be a young girl, who fell for a very disturbed young man, then found, the hard way, that he was not the one she wanted to get to know. He was someone she should have avoided.

I would guess that this is a worry, which many women share when they accept a date with someone they don't know. You succinctly and dramatically brought that possibility to my attention as a male because it is an outlook that never occurred to me. I suddenly have a great deal more respect for young ladies who accept a date with a stranger, and doesn't that happen to most young women at some point in their lives? I have a daughter and a granddaughter, and I now have a subject to be broached with both.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention in such an impactful manner.

jdennis
39
39
Review of Irregular Holes  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think you captured this area of Utah perfectly. I've been there, and when the wind blows just right, the moans grow into wailing winds, sweeping the sands over balded domes of rock only to fall into piles, dunes, gathering around vaulting boulders, which people find sport in climbing.

It's as if the barren landscape lay in remorse over its once lush foliage while we rejoice in the play land left behind. Your little poem conjured those images from the depths of my memory. Thank you for that.

I will return to your portfolio to read more as time passes, and I hope you will venture out into the neighborhood to explore our homes. I am sure you are welcomed. So visit one and all of us in this neighborhood, say hello, and join in the fun.

jdennis
40
40
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
alanaxlenore,

Your transition from a freshly discovered frosty winter's day into a memory of first love lost and never regained flowed flawlessly like a late winter stream gathering the weeping snow as it trickles down the mountain's slope. That first paragraph then transitions into a time where the main character abruptly returns to reality abruptly when a door slams. At that point we find ourselves waking from her dream to find she is an adult with children and she gathers in the regrets of her past.

Her daughter shows signs of similar experiences and she willfully gives her the guidance that she found to save herself in some wise words, "Time to find your heart."

Well written, smooth walk through a wonderful story. In all, a job well done.

jdennis
41
41
Review of Desire  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Rinsoxy,

Wow! This was an interesting and titillating love story. The opening paragraph grabbed my attention and enticed me to read more. Good job. My only question was--tiara? If that was all she wore, any man would have probably jumped at eloping. Your story is very sensual, and as I am an old man, I had to stop several times to step outside in the winter weather before I could continue. You built the tension perfectly to enhance the "near-crash" at the end, but you saved the day beautifully. As always, "well done, Rinsoxy."

I saw no glaring grammar issues nor wondering plot points, so I guess I'll be of no help on this one. Keep up the excellent work, and keep in touch.

jdennis
42
42
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very intriguing story. Your writing is, of course, professional. No grammar issues that I caught, no slips in the plot of the chapter...smooth, continuing, complete, building in story line to a point where the conclusion felt smooth, accepted and resolving. I see from your bio and information that you are well published and therefore quite accomplished in the art, so there is nothing else to be said but, I enjoyed this short preview to your story, book, or whatever the extended version might be.

I might add that in my youth, I was quite an avid comic book aficionado, so, without the animation to accompany the story, you accomplished your task with imagery. We all strive for such success.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.
43
43
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
debmiller1,

This short story was an intriguing read. I like SciFi stories of all kinds, so I appreciate your story. Time travel is a widely written subject, however you introduce an unusual nuance with this account. It is uncommon for a young teenager to be adept enough in science to master time travel, but you make it believable through your story's pace. You carry the reader so quickly into the "amazing" aspect of the plot that we have no time for questions. This rapid development of the storyline leaves us only two choices, to accept or reject. However, the characters are so believable that I couldn't reject anything about the sudden surprise at the end.

I only saw one bump in the road: "He removed the brakes to do it, but it was an exhilarating ride." This sentence seemed awkward. Maybe it would read better like: "He removed the brakes to do it, (and then) it was an exhilarating ride." Or: "He removed the brakes to do it, so it was an exhilarating ride." It is up to you to change, leave as is, or revise in your fashion.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it for free.

jdennis
44
44
Review of Winner  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Winchester Jones,

I found this is a very emotional short story. It grabbed my attention and pulled me into an encounter between a jailed father and a daughter he never knew. It would help if you separated the several shifts in viewpoint with some delineation, which would encourage the reader's flow of attention as I haulted at the abrupt switch from one point of view to the other. However, I muddled through and found the results enjoyable, but it could be improved.

You should work on this idea, it could be developed into a longer piece with much greater acceptance and adulation, at least from this reviewer.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it for free.

jdennis
45
45
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Schnujo,

This is a cool condensation of history where brothers share the rule of their inherited ancestral nation.
Convoluted, but it makes sense when you think of the ruling monarchs' back-and-forth, switching from one brother to the other while their subjects were more than likely oblivious to the goings-on of their ruling class. I mean, who pays attention to who is in charge? Here in the USA, we don't care. Sure, we get all worked up and vote, but then we go about our business, the daily routine. The news prattles on about this and that. We don't care as long as the grocery line isn't too long and prices don't exceed our pay raise. I mean, what else matters?

The reality of right vs. wrong resides above our realm of reference. We live in the dust of competition for a living. We survive even when those in our government do not. The only time we wake up is when our comfortable existence is disturbed by war or the threat of invasion (not in this country, of course, because we are too powerful) where our comfort is threatened no matter how removed from our reach. Then, we react with blood in our voices and destruction born of our vengeful reactions.

This is a wonderful story, please don't mind the prattle above. I'm in a mood.

jdennis
46
46
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
thoughts&feelings,

Wow. I remember the days when I search through the same feelings and thoughts, but that was a long time ago. I have lived a life inside that translucent shell, no one being able to see what's inside, except me. Myself being able to see their actions, hear their meanderings loudly, feeling them brush my shoulder as they walked by, but that is not what I'm here to convey to you. Only, it might let you know that you struck a note of commonality inside me with what you wrote.

Now, to your musings. You do capture feelings that most of us have from time to time. More so, when we are younger, and life offers the opportunity to linger within our thoughts for more extended periods. As one gets older, life interrupts much more frequently. Sometimes to the point where we feel we won't be able to escape ever again. In others, time seldom grants us the opportunity to fiddle away precious moments on wonderful, reaching thoughts, lost moments never to be regained, or any other cherished dream. Take heart in your youth, and regale yourself with optimistic whimsy.


In my estimation you, in this short piece, portray perfectly how a young person inevitably feels at some point.

In you second stanza, I believe you want to say "...they're saying" instead of "...their saying."

Keep writing, you show signs of being a great dreamer. Those are the ones who create great stories.


jdennis
47
47
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
mlpace,

This is a wonderful depiction of a Scottish gathering, which I have never had the pleasure of attending. However, after reading your recount, I feel as though I have now. I appreciate that you restricted telling the tale to a predominantly English language rather than forcing us to the Internet for definitions and pronunciations. Even in the English language, the feel of the celebration and the culture came through. The raucous nature and celebratory feel of the Scotts burst inside my imagination as I read. They seemed to me to be people who did not withhold their enthusiasm, not that they meant harm. From this writing, I get the feeling that they genuinely enjoy celebrating the simple things in life.

Thank you so much for this glimpse into the lives of another culture. I'm glad to know that us wild Southern folks aren't alone in the manner we celebrate and our gusto for life. Your story is well written, I found no grammar issues, the plot conveyed professionally, and the characters came to life.

Again, thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
48
48
Review of Set Me Free #1  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
thoughts&feelings,

Your poem contains the perfect expression of anxiety, and I find that sad because your biography leads one to believe you are very young. In my day, concerns like these were reserved for old people. When we were young, we walked the sky with birds fluttering among us, brushing the clouds aside as we sauntered through life oblivious and free. All the pressures life held deflected by our ambivalence. I think the world has grown too small, and the sadness, multiplied by a media bent on depression, is too successful. Or at least that was the message I got.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
49
49
Review of Darkness  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
rinsoxy,

Now, that's an ending. Always go back and finish those contest entries, rinsoxy. Those word counts always leave the story half-told. Especially the endings. It seems we run out of room at the end and chop the heart out of what should be a moment of revelation. You have now captured that revelation in your new ending to this story. Don't let anyone con you into believing you can always get the same effect in fewer words. Economize, go back and rewrite, slice away useless verbiage put in place at the spur of the moment, but always go back after the story is finished and fix it. It will always be just a little broken, and you just showed me that you understand that.

You are a writer; no, you are an author. Repeat that to yourself as many times as it takes.

Thank you for writing this and then rewriting it to make it better.


jdennis
50
50
Review of Darkness  
Review by jdennis
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
rinsoxy,

This is an engaging story with a great deal of potential for heart-wrenching emotion, however, it ends quite abruptly. Was it an entry in a contest? I hate the word counts placed on those things, but I guess they are necessary. Either way, I believe this little short-short is worth placing a little more expense of your talent into. You have established the tension between the two characters with finesse and begun the revelation of a deeper relationship, which peeked my attention, but then the story abruptly ends. I hope you didn't just loose interest in it because this could be the poor adopted child who grows up to develop the next Windows software. I guess what I'm saying is that it has potential and you have the talent, so you might want to take another look at this one.

The rating is because I don't believe this story is yet up to your writing abilities.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
187 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jdennis01jaj/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2