jonblair,
Review of the First Episode of "Star Voyagers"
First, let me preface my review by saying that I have never been an expert in any subject, and during those few times in my career when I was considered an expert, in a limited field of endeavor, I proved my first point.
Suggestion 1: Just a preference comment about the first paragraph of Episode 1. It read fine to me. However, you might consider a slight change. This approach would only be "what I would do," and that doesn't mean it is a good thing to do, but instead of being a detached statement from an unidentified narrator (the author), I would make it a comment interjected by one of the crew. A character like, Beta Ghislaine Vangelos, who is the first character you introduce. That way the author is not stepping into the scene. I would instead assign that task to one of the characters. This tool may also come in handy during later events.
Suggestion 2: Sorry, but I am reviewing your story and, what good would a review be without input that is meant to help improve the piece. Again, please understand that these suggestions are opinions:
"Down, get down," Foxwell suddenly, but quietly shouted as he turned and motioned repeatedly downward with his arm to the surveying party, all following in a straight line behind him and Science Officer Beta as they immediately dropped to one knee, while the Captain, a foreboding look unfamiliar to his crew, turned again to confirm what only moments ago he had witnessed, a Metropolis of gargantuan and futuristic design as far as the eye could see."
This paragraph contains a good action scene, the first action scene in the story, so you might want to punch it up a little. Might I suggest breaking this one sentence into shorter, more impactful sentences, separating the action into jabs? I compare action scenes in my mind to a good boxing match. Boxer's always begin their attacks with a flurry of jabs leading up to a knockout punch.
Example: "Down! Get down!" Foxwell shouted in a whisper as he repeatedly motioned for the trail of crewmembers behind him to drop. Beta immediately dropped to one knee, and the others followed suit. A foreboding scowl, unfamiliar to his crew, spread over the Captain's face as he scanned a futuristic Metropolis spilling over the horizon.
Suggestion 3: This suggestion concerns the ending of the episode:
"It IS a map, Captain. A map and invasion plan - target is:
"PLANET EARTH."
May I suggest rearranging some words to:
"It's a map, Captain, with an invasion plan. The target is—Earth."
I only make this suggestion for maximum impact purposes. This ending is a classic segway into the next episode.
Again, it's your story; use your words. All of the above are simply examples of my observations as a reader and the limited knowledge of writing I possess.
However, I do know that your terminology is sound. (I say that from an in-depth scientific background from many, many years of working with military contractors, NASA, and many other high-end electronics manufacturers. I worked extensively with the R&D departments from all of the above.)
Your premise and plot are strong enough for a series of short stories, books or television shows, and your characters seem well fleshed out. You must have been thinking about this for some time.
I also appreciate your use of words like "conurbation" because I learned from your writing (and referring to the dictionary a few times) and have discovered increased fodder for my works.
I noticed a few spots where you will need to perform some rework on your wording, very few grammatic issues and just a few suggestions like the above examples, but overall, the story(episode) flows well.
My main advice is to keep plugging and when you come to a point where your imagination dries up, go back and touch up the work you have at the time, and the rest will come to you.
You have talent, my friend. Keep using it because that is the only way to ensure that it will grow.
Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.
jdennis
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