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403 Public Reviews Given
407 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style will change to conform to the needs of the work. If I find no grammatical issues, I move on to something else and will always concentrate on the requested aspects of the piece per the author's instructions. I enjoy reviewing others' work.
I'm good at...
Helping with descriptive phrasing, less capable in grammar, and always aspiring to be honest yet polite. I feel that those who concentrate on criticizing are compensating for something lacking in themselves.
Favorite Genres
Literary, SciFi, Fantasy, Horror, and almost anything I'm requested to do.
Least Favorite Genres
X rated. Other than that, I haven't met one yet.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Novel chapters, etc.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poems, because I know very little about that art. However, I am very willing to give my impression of a poem. I just make no promises as to how helpful it will be.
I will not review...
X rated or anything over a rating of 18+
Public Reviews
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Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This first chapter ends perfectly. It invites the reader into the next chapter with a load of questions to keep him searching through your prose. Speaking of your prose, I found them to flow extremely well. Although there were some sections where the grammar, switching of the verb tense and such, seemed slightly off, still I could not help but continue as the overall story compelled me to reach for the next sentence. My curiosity kept me captive to this first chapter the entire read and I am going to look to the next chapter in the morning, as it is time for this old gentleman to slip off to his dreams.

I have to admit that, as I read I wanted to jot down a sentence or two to rewrite in this review, but I then realized that it would have only been an attempt to make the story my own and it is most definitely your story to tell. I apologize for stating this fact, however, it does reveal to you how much you have captivated this reader and that is a valuable critique for a writer as it divulges your success. Many times, I believe, reviewers strain to find something to criticize thinking that they are helping the author. I admit to this fault in some of my own reviews, but I have come to realize that letting someone know when they have succeeded is just as important.

To summarize: After you complete your initial creative write of several chapters, I would go back and make some touch ups to your grammar in a few places (if you need help with that don't ask it from me, my grammar is atrocious.) However, I would be ecstatic if you would invite me to read further as you complete the next chapters of this story as I believe it is going to be a wild adventure. One which I know I will enjoy.

By the way, your writing is very visual and that characteristic helps to pull the reader through the story and makes the trip a tactile adventure and also make the reading of it a pleasure instead of a chore.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review of The Traveler  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think you are on to something here. I have read much about time travel, time police, time altering and so no, but I have never read anything about time as a being. I know I would be very interested in something like that. But, do you have the time to finish it?

jdennis
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Review of Chapter 3  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Review of Chapter 3 of Unnamed Novel

I know this is picky, but I think you are like me and want a reviewer to be a little picky. I stumbled when I read this sentence: "No chance of escaping only to fall to his death." I don't know, but it seems to me that you are getting in too much of a hurry here and trying to say too much with a very few words. I say this because I am very much guilty of doing this with everything I write. Needless to say, I do a lot of rewriting. I get in too much of a hurry. I think that what you are trying to say is: "He crossed the room to the window, but it was locked and that wouldn’t have mattered because the room was 30 stories up and escape from the room wouldn't help, if he fell to his death from the narrow ledge outside." Or something like that. You'll have to use your words, of course.

You seem to shift from past tense to present tense as you write from paragraph to paragraph and even in the same paragraph a couple of times, but I understand doing that in an early, rough draft. I would think at this point, knowing your capabilities, you are probably looking for input on character development and the progression of the story line. So, from here on out I will concentrate on the story. If you want something more in-depth just let me know. I'm not the best at that, but I would be glad to give it a try. You have always been of great help to me, so please let me know. I just don't want to insult.

This chapter is a perfect follow-up to chapter 2. You keep the reader involved in Jon's plight in finding his wife and you continue to build the new world through his bewildered and astonished eyes. My personal favorite are the Mars. Androids are something I like to write about because they can be so clinical in habit, yet express the wonderment of a child due to an innate curiosity, which must exist because anyone capable of designing and building such a being, must wish to endow it with their own curiosity.

The best indication of what I think of your story to this point is my own curiosity about what will happen next. You have maintain a stream of questions in my mind through each chapter. Answering some and creating more as you guide me through you wonderfully painted world. Keep this up and continue to write. You can rewrite later and fix some of those small issues that I brought up in the second paragraph of this review, but for now, keep writing.
I look forward to the next chapter and hope to read it soon.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Max,
I am sorry it took so long for me to get back to you with a review of Chapter 2 of Timekeepers. I have no good excuse accept that, my wife made me do it. We had several chores that we have had to complete over the past couple of weeks. But let me begin:

Good bridge between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. The battle continues and you introduce a new character, who was mentioned in the first chapter. What I like most is that the action continues. A battle with a warrior sporting a Harley Davison helmet is a great hook and leaving that unexplained keeps the reader wanting to continue to the next page. Very good work. It is obvious that you have been working on this project for a good while, since the writing is crisp, the action carries the reader from paragraph to paragraph and your well developed character's actions are well thought through and make perfect sense. You are definitely following a good outline and that is important for maintaining coherence through a straight-line Plot in an action novel.

I am sorry at this point because I find nothing that I can do here to help you, other than to belay any doubts that may be in your mind about this story or its construction at this point. I know from my experience that a big problem when writing something like this is doubts that creep in from our own lack of confidence. Don't listen to them because you have complete control of the reader at this point. Simply continue and maintain your confidence in yourself and you will have a winner.

Just one catch, I think, and it is minor read-over issue that I experience all the time.

"Haakon strode forward and handed the waif off the woman, who opened her arms in a caress." Would this not be "…handed the waif off (to) the woman…"?

Keep writing on this and if you wish, I will look in on it from time to time and let you know if I see anything, which might need your attention.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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155
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Graham B.,

This is a great Halloween story. You begin the story on a dark night in the perfect setting, and with the words of Wyatt begin to build tension into the evening. Having teenagers as the main characters is brilliant because they can show innocence and a great deal of fear in an unknown situation, where adults might be less malleable and more predictable. The suspense builds nicely as the story progresses and the ending with the oak tree outside Dana's window is foreboding. All in all, a successful suspense story for the season.

There were a few items I wanted to bring up that are minor in nature, but since I am providing a critique, I want to be thorough.

Here are some of my comments:

"Are you okay?" he said. "Do want my coat?" Should this be—"Do you want my coat?"
"And what do they say?" asked Sasha, almost succeeding in keeping the mockery from her voice. (Until this point, you have been in the past tense, does this matter? This is up to you as the writer.)
She handed her joint over to Kyle and took a long pull. (Should this be "…and he took a long pull.")

Also, as I read, I think you drifted with your tense from time to time with verbs going from past tense to present tense. I know that this is not as important as it once was, so I did not note it but a couple of times, just to bring this to your attention. I'm sure that if you find it to be important, you will catch this on a read-through.

Bottom line for me, this was a cool story with suspense, a reminder of youth, and it made my blood pump as the characters struggled against the revenge of the trees. Wyatt has made me think twice about trimming some of the limbs that were about to fall on my fence over the past couple of days. I hope I didn't piss anyone off. Luckily, most of the property around my house is pasture land . . . However, I do have several trees that I planted for shade around my house.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a cute, but stabbing criticism of the commercialization of Christmas. I agree. I love the way you spell out the word "Christmas" with the first letter of the first word of every line. I do not write poetry and know nothing about poetry, so this may have some type of style significance. Forgive me if I am showing my ignorance. I did enjoy reading this and will remember it come this Christmas season, when my grandchildren want to know what I got them for Christmas, instead of asking, "What do you want for Christmas, Grampy?" But I guess that's all you can really expect from children, and I love them all. Have a merry Christmas and "What do you want for Christmas?" (Besides a story being published:)

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Max, sorry it took longer than I thought it would to get to the first chapter of your book. Well, here goes. This is a very good first chapter. I've read "Time Guardian" and "time travel"stories in the past, but not quite like this first chapter indicates that this story will be like, and yes, I want to read more after reading this. Your time policing organization seems to be more complex than others I have encountered through my previous reading.

You present a lot of information about that organization in this first chapter. There seems to be a central "home office," which all of the different entities answer to and the different entities like time guardians (people who watch for anomalies in the timeline), people who live in each of the timelines (who may just be someone of that timeline, who has been chosen to be informed about the time watchers, I haven't figured that out yet), and others who get involved in correcting timeline issues.

To answer your questions:

Yes, it makes a lot of sense to me. If time is to be policed, there would have to be a rather large organization to monitor, fix, prevent . . . issues that might occur, if from no other source but their presence, from anomalies created by or the result of some previous anomaly, which would result in a cascade of anomalies through time. To me, it would seem that once experimentation begins, this type of organization would be inevitable.

The hook is great. Like I said, the subject is something everyone has thought about and wonders if some day it will be possible. Personally, I think everyone wishes for it to happen. Then we all might be able to go back in time and live something over . . . and so on.

The characters are alive. They seem human, with human desires, human frailties, human doubts, and they seem real.

The goals of the characters make sense for the circumstances they are thrust into by their jobs and by the problems around them. And of course the goals matter, otherwise time itself would unravel and where would that leave the world full of people in the present, past and future. That kind of includes everyone.

Finally, I think most anyone who reads this first chapter would want to continue reading, so keep it up and I'll read the next chapter within the next couple of days and let you know how that one reads to me.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.
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Review of Lights Out  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! Very poignant. The brevity is striking in that you provide so much impact within condensed sentences and sharply aimed words. The precision and the rhythmically choppy, straight forward action filled style of your writing is impressive. I know this is a short review, but frankly I can't find anything to complain about. I was caught in the beginning and reeled in with ease. Enthralled to the End. Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review of Friends  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very good short story and well written. I enjoyed the read. I found common types experiences in my memories and reminisced with you as I read. I am not sure if, "...drank gallons of Kool-Aid on a hot day," is correct grammar or "...drank gallons of coffee on a cold day.", it just halted me in my reading temporarily. Other than that, I found this to be filled with emotion, the emotion of childhood gone and friends lost to long distance and have shared those feelings many times over the years.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review of Chapter 2  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
"They rode the elevator up in silence. Jon tugged at his shirt(,) which felt too small and repeatedly touched his(the) wallet in his back pocket to make sure it was still there. It was disconcerting knowing that whatever he had on him right now was everything he owned." (I believe there should be a comma after "shirt", but I am not an expert on grammar. Also, you might think about changing the first "his" in the second sentence to "the" only so as not to be repetitive. Possession seems to be established with the second "his".)

" Rather, there was a thin, silver rod approximately 2 feet long and an inch think." Should this be "thick?"

"…focusing its view on its windows where men, women, and children waved frantically." This is probably just a personal preference, but to me, this may read a little easier, "…focusing its view on windows where men, women, and children waved frantically." And all I did was remove "its." This may just be me and my preferential wording habits.

This is a good follow-up chapter to the beginning chapter, and I like that you still leave questions, creating more mystery for the reader to ponder on the way to the next chapter. I say it that way because the way it is written makes one want to move right on to the next chapter to find out what Jon finds out next. You are constructing a discovery the reader will not be able to set aside, and that makes for the best read, in my opinion. So far, I am impressed with your style and story construction. I find no real grammar issues, and you lead the reader with a comfortable wording and easily read writing style. To me, that is essential for the type of novel I like to read. Some writers try to impress the reader with difficult sentence structure, multi-syllable wording or too much techno-babble and I for one, find that too high-brow and shy away from their work after stumbling through the first book. It is my opinion (only) that writing like Mark Twain or even Michael Critchton is much more appealing.

I really have found little to critique in anything of yours that I have read to date, and I am sorry I have been so little help to you. All I seem to be able to say is, keep on doing what you are doing, and I will continue to read. If at some future point, I see the need to offer you help, I will comment on it (in a polite way). Until then, keep on keeping on (as we used to say when I was young).
Again, thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

By the way, there are no rating stars on your Review box. Should there be?

jdennis
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Review of Chapter 1  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
As you know, I am not a professional writer, editor, teacher or anyone else who could profess expertise in writing or the subject of literary endeavors. I never paid attention during grammar lessons, and have regretted it all my life. I am a reader, though, and can recognize aspects of a story and in the style of writing, which catch my attention and awaken me from the story. This is probably my only value.

"With his eyes shut, all he could make out about the room was the sound and the smell." I have been told in past critiques to, "keep every word close to you, like a miser and his coins." Would this sentence work just as well? "With his eyes shut, the room revealed only sounds and smells." I understand you lose only a few "the's," but sometimes a reader's eye catches on each word. This is not a biggy, just a question and one of the few observations I can find to make in this chapter.

" Holy shit. Suddenly, his headache flared and rammed into his temples. 2353? In the future? It was hard to remember anything, but he dug into the recesses of his brain and scrunched his eyes together in concentration. 2018, yes, that was it. His last memories were of 2018. Which meant that the procedure must have been successful. Seeing as he was awake again, that was the only option available. His last memories were of a room similar to the one he was in now on the 18th floor of the ALTO Corporation’s headquarters with his wife of 25 years, Valerie. They had been here together. Val!" This is a great paragraph and placed at the most opportune moment in the action. Great job!! Up to this point I was thinking he was in an accident and then-POW-I'm in the middle of a Sci-Fi story. Absolutely, perfect.

" He was as naked as they day he was born, and…," should this be, " He was as naked as the day…."

" he looked a lot closer to the age when he was born as well." Just a suggestion, I stopped for a moment. " he looked a lot closer to the age of his birth…."

"…a hard line where the color ended and the dusty brown began." Awesomely, vivid imagery.

This is a great start of what appears will be a fantastic story. Your character will be able to show us your future through a set of today's eyes and that sounds superb. I look forward to the next chapter and will pick it up and try to get it completed sometime wid-week.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First, I would like to say that this is the beginning of a wonderful story and I would like to read more as you develop it.

Remember that I am not a professional writer and I do not profess to being one. The suggestions I make are just that, suggestions.

I have been told on this page and several others, to not rely on the word "that" excessively. Probably because I use it at least in every other sentence. Also, I have been advised to conserve words. I find it difficult to avoid, when telling a story due to my tendency to explain too much as I go.

Examples of possible changes in word use:

"I laid the phone back on the receiver. Closed my laptop and packed it up in its case, unplugged my cell and put it in my back pocket and grabbed my keys." Instead, you might have used only one sentence. "I laid the phone back on the receiver, closed my laptop in its case, placed my cellphone in my pocket and grabbed my keys." Granted, you only save a few words and this may not be the best example (because again I am no expert), but I think you get the picture.

Another thing I have learned from critiques I have received is to attempt to avoid repeated words in a sentence and especially to try and avoid that, began and so on...

"I finally pulled into the driveway at 8:15. It was then that I realized how truly exhausted I was. It had been a long day with clients and paperwork and scheduling. Now it was time for a bite to eat and a hot bubble bath."

Example: "I finally pulled into the driveway at 8:15. I suddenly realized how truly exhausted I was. What a long day, with clients and paperwork and scheduling. Now it was time for a bite to eat and a hot bubble bath." Not much of a change, but for some it reads smoother--I guess.

To me, these sentences were fantastic: "After the movie I dragged myself upstairs with my second glass of wine in hand."; "I made sure to hold onto the handrail for fear of missing a step and spilling my beverage.";"I decided against the hot bubble bath and just put on a pair of lounge pants and an old t-shirt. I wandered down the hall to David’s room and knocked on the door."

Please remember, this are suggestions and not criticism. I hope you understand that because I really enjoyed your story and hope you keep writing on it and many more. Please give me the opportunity to read them and thank you for writing this beginning of what I believe will be a great story.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Manuel Francisco could feel the residents huddling within, their fear seeping through the windows and tumbling down the windows like smoke." Window/window reads just a little awkward. Think of a substitute like: "…their fear seeping through the windows and tumbling down their glass like smoke." This is a very visual and outstanding piece of writing, yet I hesitated on the second "window" instead of continuing to read. This wording may not be correct either, but I think you will understand what I am trying to get at.

I appreciate a story with constant action and banter between characters. I also appreciate succinct writing styles like yours.

"There was a pop of displaced air, and Zuum was gone." I really liked this sentence due to its brevity and descriptive pin ash.

I want to compare your writing style in this piece to that of Brandon Sanderson, who is one of my favorite authors; however, your style differs slightly in that you are even more visual than he is and your banter comes quicker than his especially during action sequences.

This piece is fun and emotional. I enjoyed it immensely.

Thank you for writing it and letting me read it.
jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good story. I had to read it a couple of times because my date of birth was during the Jurassic Period. Eventually, though, I not only understood, I found humor in the situation, even though I felt awkward due to the over-weight name calling and the banter among the other girls. Your style is certainly engaging and you brought your point to the reader in subtle strokes. I like that. Making someone out ‘the fool’ without them realizing it is a hard situational write because usually people see it coming and because of that they don’t enjoy the outcome. Here, you have accomplished this with the speed and tone of the banter among the young girls as they snip at each other and others who are not present. Like I said, good job. Thank you for writing this and letting me read it. jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful, catchy and enticing! You made this sound like fun and peeked my interest, so I believe it will appeal to a large audience (since I am a large person). You should do well.

Thank you for letting me see this. Jdennis
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Review of Slugger  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good job! I like this very much. I wasn't this kid, I was the kid who struck out.

You captured a boy growing up during my time, in the 1960's. Baseball was always your first test and later came football. I loved baseball, never could master football.

You hooked me with, "Jared's first time at bat." After that, I was inside and never left. No structure problems that I could see and I didn't see any spelling issues.

If this story continues, I hope I can find it and finish it. If it doesn't, the story you told here, in these four paragraphs--is great.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it...jdennis
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Review of The Letter  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
One spelling error as far as I noticed"Algorithms". Very good writing. You got my attention from the start and kept it all the way through to the end. Your characters were very believable and I settled in with them right away, I was caught from the first sentence. Good job. No major errors and as far as the plot, it was believable, interesting and quick to involve the reader. All things desirable in a short/short story. The only idea would be to involve the dead husband in a string of clues that would lead the wife to establishing proof of the new husband's guilt. Things that the dead husband left behind in the boxes, which would force her to go through them to discover the real truth about the new guy. In doing so, she might even get her house cleaned. Then she could take the truth to the police, tall handsome policeman . . . and you could take it from there.

Just some ideas. You asked for them. jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am not a poet. However, I seem to draw poems 9 times out of 10 when I go to "Read & Review." I try to help, but can never really tell if I do or if I really can. The only thing I can say about your poem is that it struck a cord in me somewhere that most poems do not and I thank you for writing it and letting me read it. I know that doesn't really help you, but it is all that I have. Please, do us all a favor and keep writing, poems and stories and novels and everything that comes from deep inside you, so that we all can share and enjoy. jdennis
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Review of My Entry  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am not one of the best writers on this site, by any means. Actually, my grammar is lacking and many people have trouble understanding what I am trying to say. So, it is hard for me to critique others. However, I will give it a try.

You have a good little story here, but I think it needs a couple of rewrites. I usually rewrite my stories about 15-20 times, and somehow they still seem to need a lot of work. Okay, enough about me and on to your story. I think the best way for me to help is with some examples. Please take this not from an expert, but from someone who is just beginning and wants to help. Here we go:

"She could smell something that was related to blood, but she sighed as she realized that it was just metal. She had tripped over her shoelaces and banged into the cell’s bars."

I think that in many places you just use a few extra words and are trying to get your intended emotion across too hard. Something like this might be more straight forward, simpler and may work just as well:

"A sudden smell of blood overcame her, but no, not blood. It was corroded metal. The smell occupied her mind as she tripped and fell into a row of bars. The bars of her jail?"

I have been told to just try to use as few words as possible and still say what you mean. These are the main little structural items that I think will help you to tell a more concise, too-the-point story.

Please, keep writing. This is a good story and deserves to be told--by you.

I hope this helps--some. jdennis
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Review of Why Can't I Fly  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. A very emotional short-short story. I really like your command of the reader here. I left this piece with a fear that God was going to call the boy home at Christmas and that was sad, yet uplifting all at once. I do have one suggestion though--"Judy was stunned; She was afraid..." it may have a little more impact if it were something like "Judy was stunned into silence; She was afraid..., but then it gave me a shock of emotion just the way it is. Very emotional and I appreciate you writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review of Survival  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
(“They don’t know our systems. Completely different from their own.” His eyes settled on the deck of the boat, forcing his nervous energy to his fingers, which began to twitch. They looked like squirming larva in the planetlight.) This is great! Brings the dialogue to life and adds visual participation to the scene.

"After an hour the trees began to thin, and the mountains containing the valley the settlement had been built in rose to prominence to the north and south." This might read smoother like this---"After an hour, the trees began to thin and the mountains surrounding the valley, where the settlement had been built, rose into prominence to the north and south." (?) Just a suggestion. I just stumbled on it when I read it, but then I told you that I need more magnification for my eyes. Just a personal preference notation.

"The forest swallowed them once more as the boat move(d) upstream." little nit.

This is a really good short story. And I love the end. . . It's open for the reader to make it an eventual happy ending with a rescue of an unhappy ending with a suicide. You have done a very good job.

Thank you for writing this story and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your style is very formal, I love it, but it is something that I am unable to maintain as an amateur writer and still capture the reader's full attention. However, you are successful.---"... " – as dragons are tend to do)"- is "are" correct or should it be "... as dragons there tend to do)?--. Now for the good stuff--I really like this story and you really got my attention especially with the ending. It really was a "cliff hanger". Thank you for writing it and letting me read it. jdennis
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Review of Odds  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
"He was always doing reckless stunts on dares."--Try more action verbs---"He was always performing reckless stunts on dares."--"She wasn't always right, but then again, probabilities weren't always what actually happened." --Economize on words--"She wasn't always right, but then again, probabilities weren't always fruitful." (not a real good example, buy you get the idea.--Now for the good stuff, good promo story. Leaving the reader hanging at the beginning with a hook like this is perfect. It makes us beg for more. And I am. This is a great beginning for a longer short story (with some re-writes as always, we all face that) and I would love to read the results. Thank you for writing this and I will be glad to read the final version, I think it will be great!

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
" I only your Father had allowed me..."--should be---"If only your Father had allowed me..."; "Her gun was fired, sending a bullet into the air."--should be--"Her gun fired, sending a bullet into the air."; "Even as I after I had gone downstairs... "--(?)--should this be--"Even after I had gone downstairs..."; "He was shirt with a crown of hair around his head ..."--should be(?)--"He was short with a crown of hair around his head..." ; Now for the good stuff--you have a good voice in this piece with a lingering sense that a criminal mind were the narrator and I think that was what you were going for---I hope. A very good short, filled with a lot of information and a full length story. Excellent economy of words. Thank you for writing this and letting me read it. jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is very cute (in a good sense) and imaginative. You have a good grasp of structure and rythm and the flow of your words emit an aire of confidence and a dab of perfection. Please continue. I thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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