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Review Requests: ON
375 Public Reviews Given
378 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style will change to conform to the needs of the work. If I find no grammatical issues, I move onto something else, and I will always key on requested aspects of the piece per the author's instructions.
I'm good at...
Helping with descriptive phrasing, less capable in the realm of grammar, but always aspire to be honest yet polite. I feel that those who concentrate on criticizing are compensating for something, which is lacking in themselves.
Favorite Genres
SciFi, Fantasy, Horror, Country, and almost anything else I'm asked to do.
Least Favorite Genres
X rated. Other than that, I haven't met one yet.
Favorite Item Types
Short Story, Novel chapters, etc.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poems, because I know very little about that art. However, I am very willing to give my impression of a poem. I just make no promises as to how helpful it will be.
I will not review...
X rated or anything over a rating of 18+
Public Reviews
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good story. I had to read it a couple of times because my date of birth was during the Jurassic Period. Eventually, though, I not only understood, I found humor in the situation, even though I felt awkward due to the over-weight name calling and the banter among the other girls. Your style is certainly engaging and you brought your point to the reader in subtle strokes. I like that. Making someone out ‘the fool’ without them realizing it is a hard situational write because usually people see it coming and because of that they don’t enjoy the outcome. Here, you have accomplished this with the speed and tone of the banter among the young girls as they snip at each other and others who are not present. Like I said, good job. Thank you for writing this and letting me read it. jdennis
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152
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful, catchy and enticing! You made this sound like fun and peeked my interest, so I believe it will appeal to a large audience (since I am a large person). You should do well.

Thank you for letting me see this. Jdennis
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153
Review of Slugger  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good job! I like this very much. I wasn't this kid, I was the kid who struck out.

You captured a boy growing up during my time, in the 1960's. Baseball was always your first test and later came football. I loved baseball, never could master football.

You hooked me with, "Jared's first time at bat." After that, I was inside and never left. No structure problems that I could see and I didn't see any spelling issues.

If this story continues, I hope I can find it and finish it. If it doesn't, the story you told here, in these four paragraphs--is great.

Thank you for writing this and letting me read it...jdennis
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154
Review of The Letter  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
One spelling error as far as I noticed"Algorithms". Very good writing. You got my attention from the start and kept it all the way through to the end. Your characters were very believable and I settled in with them right away, I was caught from the first sentence. Good job. No major errors and as far as the plot, it was believable, interesting and quick to involve the reader. All things desirable in a short/short story. The only idea would be to involve the dead husband in a string of clues that would lead the wife to establishing proof of the new husband's guilt. Things that the dead husband left behind in the boxes, which would force her to go through them to discover the real truth about the new guy. In doing so, she might even get her house cleaned. Then she could take the truth to the police, tall handsome policeman . . . and you could take it from there.

Just some ideas. You asked for them. jdennis
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155
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am not a poet. However, I seem to draw poems 9 times out of 10 when I go to "Read & Review." I try to help, but can never really tell if I do or if I really can. The only thing I can say about your poem is that it struck a cord in me somewhere that most poems do not and I thank you for writing it and letting me read it. I know that doesn't really help you, but it is all that I have. Please, do us all a favor and keep writing, poems and stories and novels and everything that comes from deep inside you, so that we all can share and enjoy. jdennis
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Review of My Entry  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am not one of the best writers on this site, by any means. Actually, my grammar is lacking and many people have trouble understanding what I am trying to say. So, it is hard for me to critique others. However, I will give it a try.

You have a good little story here, but I think it needs a couple of rewrites. I usually rewrite my stories about 15-20 times, and somehow they still seem to need a lot of work. Okay, enough about me and on to your story. I think the best way for me to help is with some examples. Please take this not from an expert, but from someone who is just beginning and wants to help. Here we go:

"She could smell something that was related to blood, but she sighed as she realized that it was just metal. She had tripped over her shoelaces and banged into the cell’s bars."

I think that in many places you just use a few extra words and are trying to get your intended emotion across too hard. Something like this might be more straight forward, simpler and may work just as well:

"A sudden smell of blood overcame her, but no, not blood. It was corroded metal. The smell occupied her mind as she tripped and fell into a row of bars. The bars of her jail?"

I have been told to just try to use as few words as possible and still say what you mean. These are the main little structural items that I think will help you to tell a more concise, too-the-point story.

Please, keep writing. This is a good story and deserves to be told--by you.

I hope this helps--some. jdennis

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157
Review of Why Can't I Fly  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. A very emotional short-short story. I really like your command of the reader here. I left this piece with a fear that God was going to call the boy home at Christmas and that was sad, yet uplifting all at once. I do have one suggestion though--"Judy was stunned; She was afraid..." it may have a little more impact if it were something like "Judy was stunned into silence; She was afraid..., but then it gave me a shock of emotion just the way it is. Very emotional and I appreciate you writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review of Survival  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
(“They don’t know our systems. Completely different from their own.” His eyes settled on the deck of the boat, forcing his nervous energy to his fingers, which began to twitch. They looked like squirming larva in the planetlight.) This is great! Brings the dialogue to life and adds visual participation to the scene.

"After an hour the trees began to thin, and the mountains containing the valley the settlement had been built in rose to prominence to the north and south." This might read smoother like this---"After an hour, the trees began to thin and the mountains surrounding the valley, where the settlement had been built, rose into prominence to the north and south." (?) Just a suggestion. I just stumbled on it when I read it, but then I told you that I need more magnification for my eyes. Just a personal preference notation.

"The forest swallowed them once more as the boat move(d) upstream." little nit.

This is a really good short story. And I love the end. . . It's open for the reader to make it an eventual happy ending with a rescue of an unhappy ending with a suicide. You have done a very good job.

Thank you for writing this story and letting me read it.

jdennis
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159
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your style is very formal, I love it, but it is something that I am unable to maintain as an amateur writer and still capture the reader's full attention. However, you are successful.---"... " – as dragons are tend to do)"- is "are" correct or should it be "... as dragons there tend to do)?--. Now for the good stuff--I really like this story and you really got my attention especially with the ending. It really was a "cliff hanger". Thank you for writing it and letting me read it. jdennis
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Review of Odds  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
"He was always doing reckless stunts on dares."--Try more action verbs---"He was always performing reckless stunts on dares."--"She wasn't always right, but then again, probabilities weren't always what actually happened." --Economize on words--"She wasn't always right, but then again, probabilities weren't always fruitful." (not a real good example, buy you get the idea.--Now for the good stuff, good promo story. Leaving the reader hanging at the beginning with a hook like this is perfect. It makes us beg for more. And I am. This is a great beginning for a longer short story (with some re-writes as always, we all face that) and I would love to read the results. Thank you for writing this and I will be glad to read the final version, I think it will be great!

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is very cute (in a good sense) and imaginative. You have a good grasp of structure and rythm and the flow of your words emit an aire of confidence and a dab of perfection. Please continue. I thank you for writing this and letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
A quick boo boo, I htink "...I was not sure whether we were taking American or English..."-- would this be "talking"?--... this is very confusing, but then I am easily confused. Thank you for letting me read this and did laugh a bit. jdennis
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Review of Pirates  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
"With the birds singing along"--maybe--"With birds in common song"--(you asked for input)-- one additional "input", make each work count--impact--strength--a poem is something really beyond my abilities, but if you want to make it "sing" to the reader, choose the words that expressed your thoughts and meaning best. Like I said: "I'm not a poet", but here is how I would write this:

Riding through the waves
With birds in common song
Destination lost
sails set and strong
Saying my goodbyes
to moments of my past...

Like I said, "I am not a poet, but I know the value of a 'word'." I think you have a poet's heart and are looking to express it. Do so. Don't waste words, use each one like a miser counting his coins.

I do like this poem and don't mean to discourage, but you did ask for suggestions. Thank you for writing this. It has a great deal of promise and so do you!

jdennis

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164
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
"But then the noise came, the sound I did understand, chaos, people screaming, cars honking, the heath, the cold, the hunger. I was scared most of the time." This sentence confused me. There seems to be a tense change from past tense to present tense and back to past tense again: "then the noise came,the sound I did..."--I noticed this in several points during the story and it made me jump back and forth, which caused even further confusion. Another example: "we crawl(present tense) up together in the corner of the street and at that point, I felt(past tense) safe." Also there were several translation boo boo's from inputting from your word processor into this pages software. Example: " are MINE humans."

If you go back and repair these small issue you have a very good story here and I love the point of view being the puppy. That is a great, uplifting, piece and I look forward to more.

Thank you for letting me read this. jdennis
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165
Review of The Troll Wife  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Odora look at the house and then the barn."--"Odora looked at the..."; That's all I could find. This is a great story and you tell it well. Thank you for letting me read it.

jdennis
166
166
Review by jdennis
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
"Kainda and Orain sat in the back of the family hovercraft looking out the windows at the scenery that swishes by."--Orain and Kainda sat, but the scenery swishes by?--I think this is a switch in tense or at least it has caught my eye and felt like one when I was reading (just an observation).--"Kainda looked over....She faced her father sitting in front of her again. “What does that mean?”--I can only say that I was confused here, are you saying that Kainda turned so that she was facing her father again and asked "What does that mean?" (sorry, it may just be me). Just a few questions about crafting, but now for the good stuff. This was something NEW and was told in a subdued manner, which I have never seen before. It is like a simple conversation that tells the story of a future culture of respect and peaceful individuals who are cautious yet committed in the most important relationships. I like this very much. Just read it over a few more times and sharpen it to a point and you will have a winner. Thank you for letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review of Oak (Poem)  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This piece is full of emotion: desire, doubt, longing, regret . . . loss. A wonderful read and I would not change a word. Thank you for writing it. jdennis
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Review of The Blue Apple  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Once upon a time, a Boy was walking down a street on a cold autumn evening." Try to avoid "was and were" especially in the opening paragraph. Try something like--"Once upon a time, a boy walking a lonely street . . ." Just a personal preference, but I have always been told to avoid passive verbs like was and were and to use action verbs to give the reader a feel of "involvement"; "‘How can there be no such thing?..."--maybe--"How can there be "no such thing?" the boy asked. "Here it is, can’t you see?".

Now for the good stuff: I love it! It is involving, fun and the ending is a bit of a twist from a usual Proverb. You should definitely continue to write.

Thank you for letting me read this,

jdennis
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Review of A WINTER VEIW  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (3.0)
"Its early in the morning"--"It's..."; "As I looking..."--maybe-- "Looking out the bedroom..."; "...breaches..."--branches?--; many boo-boos like this, but the underlying feeling is wonderful and after a little work the imagery will be successful. The feeling of the piece came across in very comfortable images (blankets of snow, trees guarding the loving home, Bob Ross quietly whispering as he paints...) all cozy and warm on a winters day. Thank you. jdennis
170
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Review of MIRAGE 1  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Imaginations, my only aides all these years." should this be "Imaginations, my only aides for all these years."?--"...your beats(,) live with your purpose."--don't let a simple (,) or (;) stop the reader. I was devouring this before I trip over this---. Now for the good stuff; Visual, engrossing(no, it swallowed me whole), keep going and I will gladly review.

Thank you, jdennis
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Review of Wishing Well  
Review by jdennis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Just a few quick edits -- "Gretta was a plump woman, but very short"-- being "plump" is not a description of height, so should this read "Gretta was a plump woman and very short"? ; "...then looked at Gretta with a mischievous grin..."--can a bird grin? ; "The made ungainly dancing partners."--They made..."---just add a "y" ; ""Yes, but they just call be Corby now." -- should be -- "...call me Corby now." me instead of be.

Kind of depressing, but a really good story telling and kind of refreshing in that the "happy" ending on fables like this are sometimes boring and this is a change from that---I think a good change. Thank you for letting me read it.

jdennis
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
First: "or at least that what he thought.", should be "that's" or "that is", "consciousness", "What was so important about this day in history?"--was his life historic?, or should it be "this day from his past?"?," As Cody was contemplating what all of this all meant,"--too many "all"s, Should this be "what all of this meant"?

Just a few observations of mind "farts" and such. Overall, I am impress with the imagination and the mastery of recent history. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
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Review of Widow's Walk  
Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not a poet, so I can not help. However, I can tell you that the emotion carries through to the reader very strongly. Add some more because I had the feeling when I read this that it was not complete. Of course, that could be the point--as I said "I am not a poet".
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Review by jdennis
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this to be highly visual and very impact filled for a short-short. My temptation would be to add more for the sake of explanation, but that would be a mistake. My confidence has not yet been fully earned, yours is and rightfully so. I look forward to more of your writing.
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