|I am not one of the best writers on this site, by any means. Actually, my grammar is lacking and many people have trouble understanding what I am trying to say. So, it is hard for me to critique others. However, I will give it a try.
You have a good little story here, but I think it needs a couple of rewrites. I usually rewrite my stories about 15-20 times, and somehow they still seem to need a lot of work. Okay, enough about me and on to your story. I think the best way for me to help is with some examples. Please take this not from an expert, but from someone who is just beginning and wants to help. Here we go:
"She could smell something that was related to blood, but she sighed as she realized that it was just metal. She had tripped over her shoelaces and banged into the cell’s bars."
I think that in many places you just use a few extra words and are trying to get your intended emotion across too hard. Something like this might be more straight forward, simpler and may work just as well:
"A sudden smell of blood overcame her, but no, not blood. It was corroded metal. The smell occupied her mind as she tripped and fell into a row of bars. The bars of her jail?"
I have been told to just try to use as few words as possible and still say what you mean. These are the main little structural items that I think will help you to tell a more concise, too-the-point story.
Please, keep writing. This is a good story and deserves to be told--by you.
I hope this helps--some. jdennis