I liked your story, it had good flow and kept the reader drawn along with the story.
My favorite part was the story written by Terry for class.
Comments (These are just my opinions & can be freely ignored)
I thought that something needed to be added to Terry's story to make it as dark or suicidal as the teacher and kids thought.
I also thought the time jump to the bus needed more than "next day of school" as it wasn't quite clear that a day had passed since class and discovery of the fire.
Lastly..I wasn't going to put this in as it is quite likely an artistic decision, but I thought that the narrator being head cheer and class president was a bit of a stretch for having her heart. Maybe a tone down of her status would make it more believable for me.
Good twist on your story ending. I wasn't expecting that.
I thought your flow was good and kept the reader interested.
You might change back fire to miss fire as a back fire in an old style 1890's revolver would be quite a catastrophic event where as in a miss fire the hammer falls on an inert cartridge.
Keep up the writing and if you have time I'd love a review.
Great story. Very imaginative, and I like that the 'evil' deer was not only a good guy, but known to the locals.
I thought when you referred to the artist impression the tense should have been past. THe artist hadn't done it justice.
ALso, the whole scene with the blue jeans and hoodie could have been left out, or needed to be enhanced. As is it seemed completely detached from the story. IMHO i thought the story was good without it.
Lastly, the part about the little black rocks. I was confused as to what that meant. I would either leave that out, or add to it to give us readers a better idea of what you meant.
A wonderful tale of family fun. I can feel alot of passion coming thru your story.
My only negative would be that some sentences 'told me' rather than 'showed me'.
Ex:Dan parked next to another truck that looked like they had gotten stuck in mud somewhere.
V.S Dan parked next to a truck, so covered with fresh mud that only the arches of the wipers on the windshield were clean.
Similarly, you could have described the do-nuts instead of telling about them.
Excellent story ..again.
Favorite part: a soothing light without sharp edges This is a very nice perceivable description.
Negative: When he turned for home, and the crow flew in his way then landed on the clipping mound...wouldn't the clipping mound be behind him?
I'm not really a poem person, but I REALLY REALLY liked this.
I'm not a fair judge of poetic quality either, but I can only say
that this one touched me.
It was full of thoughts I'd had myself, but not put words to, which
is why I liked it so much.
I liked your story line and the plot. I thought your flow was great, description awesome and conversation believable.
Two cons: The part about the hair meshing and urine bags was confusing.
And I didn't understand why Pete would be the killer at the end. I'm sure those things are clear in your mind, and a little more detail would make them clear in the readers.
If i was a teacher reading this report I'd definitely give you an 'A'. Your logic was well presented and your formatting of text well laid out. Although you were singing to the choir with your meaning,I still enjoyed.
Personally I've always been of the opinion that 1) we're either too boring or remote to be looked at by aliens or 2) We're just put on the back burner until they decide whether to eat us or let us join the federation.
Either way, for us there is no knowing :)
If you have a chance, I would much enjoy your review of any of my work.
My Favorite Line: The ocean waves, hundreds of feet below me, lent a soft white-noise to drown out extraneous thoughts as they crashed upon the cliff faces. Love that double meaning.
Hard for me to make comments as I'm VERY new to writing and not from literary background, so feel free to not send the GPs as I haven't really earned them. However, I found your story very entertaining. I would definitely read a book which had this style.
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