This poem is short, but impactful. I love the rhyme scheme, it's very creative and the imagery you created is masterful.
My only critique is that the cadence, the rhythm, is just a little off in line 8, but it's pulls you in so you don't really notice it.
I love what you've done here, it's very intriguing and truly draws you in. I personally want to meet this lady with the soft hand that can set me free!
Well done! Keep writing and many Blessings!
Jeannie
**Summary: I really enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it! You have a real flair for Imagery and have a vivid imagination. Congratulations on that. I thought “People Never Existed” was very well written. Words to you are like art, you constantly draw us a picture.
**One – line 6 “Grief didn’t come with instructions, and hers didn’t follow the rules.” This might very well be my favorite line in the story.
**One – Line 9 “Felt like pressing down on a bruise that never stopped hurting.” Great, it made me feel the pain. However, I would change it something like… that never healed…
**One – Line 13 “Like the music had somewhere else to go.” Brilliant!
Honestly, I could go on… but lets get to suggestions:
**I think you can come up with a more creative TITLE. Something that matches its mystery… EX… The People that Weren’t.
**The line that says “…buzzing, humming stillness that felt like it was crawling under her skin.” It’s hard for stillness to move. I think buzzing and humming make your point without “stillness.”
**In One “… her pulse ticked up with her… I would suggest, “sped up with her. “ Ticked doesn’t work for me there.
**Here’s a great line “Like pretending she hadn’t existed would make the grief disappear… and the “faster” only took the power away from that gorgeous line.
**In Two line… “used to wear, like the ghost of a hug...” I would entertain… “like a hug from a ghost.”
**Two Line… “She drove faster.” Is what I suggest, because tonight makes it a weaker sentence. And the next line… She drove to escape it really isn’t needed. You have created the mood… the reader realizes that she’s trying to escape it.
**Two 2:50… “Her usual way in…” again words not needed.
**Two 2:50… “Into the cold night air that stung her cheeks and made her lungs burn…” This is to me an awkward sentence. I would suggest something like… “She took a deep breath of the cold night air leaving her cheeks reddened and lungs burning.”
**I would read through the rest and look for word cliches, and words that tell what you’ve already created.
**Part 3 and 4 I can’t find any major issues. I think this is very well written.
Congratulations! You have my attention, at least for now, coming from an ADHD adult! When you say, "not present"...I get it. I think you nailed it.
**I like your rhyme choices, and the cadence and flow of each line is balanced. I also loved the way you wove reality with a dream-like state.
**In the 4th stanza, Who are you talking too? Yourself, someone else... Maybe the rhyme scheme, while good, a little sing-song. Finally, the last line... while I love the word suture, I'm not sure it fits.
I think you did a great job. Keep on writing.
I would enjoy another one from you.
**My overall impression is "WOW." I like the imagery you created. I can see through the old womans eyes.
**The violin and the shoes show excellent imagery and I feel her heavy grief. I also like the way that you make us feel like he really is standing there.
**It might be a little much on the "Oh, woah is me..." I understand she expirieced a death, but maybe try to show it in her appearance, and actions, especially when looking at old wedding photos.
Also, more is less... in the 3rd stanza, "Change that I cannot begin to describe." I would eliminate the "in any mannor," they're empty words that don't elavate the poem, and its more impactful without the phrase. Lastly, after you set a beautiful ending... I would end it with "But I guess I have to persevere." I think that's very impactful. The last line doesn't fit for me. It sounds like a throw away, and the only line that rhymes, it seems a bit peculiar. I would consider eliminating it.
**In summary, I love what you have, and it's a good start, I would love to read some of your other work. By the way, I'm a newbie also, but a published author with high hopes. LOL!
Good luck and keep on writing!
Jeannie
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