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Review of Reality  Open in new Window.
Review by jagfiction Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations! You have my attention, at least for now, coming from an ADHD adult! When you say, "not present"...I get it. I think you nailed it.

**I like your rhyme choices, and the cadence and flow of each line is balanced. I also loved the way you wove reality with a dream-like state.

**In the 4th stanza, Who are you talking too? Yourself, someone else... Maybe the rhyme scheme, while good, a little sing-song. Finally, the last line... while I love the word suture, I'm not sure it fits.

I think you did a great job. Keep on writing.
I would enjoy another one from you.

Best!
Jeannie
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Review by jagfiction Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
**My overall impression is "WOW." I like the imagery you created. I can see through the old womans eyes.

**The violin and the shoes show excellent imagery and I feel her heavy grief. I also like the way that you make us feel like he really is standing there.

**It might be a little much on the "Oh, woah is me..." I understand she expirieced a death, but maybe try to show it in her appearance, and actions, especially when looking at old wedding photos.
Also, more is less... in the 3rd stanza, "Change that I cannot begin to describe." I would eliminate the "in any mannor," they're empty words that don't elavate the poem, and its more impactful without the phrase. Lastly, after you set a beautiful ending... I would end it with "But I guess I have to persevere." I think that's very impactful. The last line doesn't fit for me. It sounds like a throw away, and the only line that rhymes, it seems a bit peculiar. I would consider eliminating it.

**In summary, I love what you have, and it's a good start, I would love to read some of your other work. By the way, I'm a newbie also, but a published author with high hopes. LOL!

Good luck and keep on writing!
Jeannie
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