I'm sorry for being so negative in the following review, I really wish I was not such a critic some days.
The above prelude is included because I can't find a nice thing to say about this work, I find it trite, uninteresting and bare in meaning.
A poem is only of value if the metaphor can be discerned by the audience. I can not discern your metaphor and worse than that, I think the metaphors within are poorly constructed. For example, "Behold the games most evident crises. And control these obscenely Fluttering moments." The only thing I can think of when analyzing the "Obscenely Fluttering moments" is a girl in a mini skirt walking in front of me. Unless your intention is for the athlete speaking in this poem to be distracted by the cheerleaders.
Frankly, I could perform such deconstructions across the entire work, but I think that would be unnecessary. Cross apply the above argument to most of the couplets in the poem.
Honestly, you should add a little more to the meat of this thing so I can figure out what you're talking about. If other reviewers disagree with me heavily then let me know. I'm open to calling myself an idiot.
Also let me know if you rewrite this thing, ill be happy to change my review to reflect the new work.
You use the aa bb rhyme scheme to good effect and your writing moves at an extremely quick clip. Your word choice too is inspired. The syllable structure, whether intentional or not, creates a satisfying rhythm that drips the words off the tongue of a speaker like a well-tuned metronome. I am quite impressed with this work.
Normally I would tell people that they should break up their poems into stanzas, but in this case, I think it's better as one single block. That being said, I'm sure lots of people will disagree with me on that point, so you may want to consider breaking it up anyway.
I don't see any glaring grammatical mistakes, although that does not mean much, I tend to overlook such errors in my editing.
This poem is the equivalent of a piece of candy, good tasting, satisfying to eat and leaves you wanting just a little more. The more I want from you is a deeper poetic structure to sink my teeth into. I think you have the talent to do it too. Write something with some poetic devices and let me know when you do, I would love to read it.
Thanks for requesting a review from me! It means a lot.
I am always glad to read something written as a vow of devotion to the self. Keep your goals in front of you and your nose to the grindstone my friend, I'm sure one day you will find success in either the art or the bread. Either way, practice makes perfect and I do have one slightly critical comment of this piece.
When writing a stream of consciousness the rules of writing change. You should attempt to make your writing more random, divergent of the main topic and slightly incomprehensible. I'm actually not a fan of that style, but if you wish to emulate it, then you should study those who have mastered it and copy them. That's the best way to figure out the esoteric art of barely coherent babbling.
Nice little poem about travel. The materialistic overtones are not to my taste, but technically the poem is excellent so good work there.
The one major point of complaint I have is that your last stanza fails to complete it's rhyme unless you pronounce misfortune incorrectly. In my opinion, you really shouldn't rely on a mispronunciation to complete a rhyme, but that is just an opinion so I understand where you are coming from.
I also think your lines are a little wordy. This poem would probably benefit from being sheered down a tad across the board.
Those are some minor complaints to an otherwise well-done poem. Good work on this piece.
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the writing process Ms.Fireplace.
Your grammar is well done and the essay is formatted properly for readability. Technically, the essay is excellent well done on the piece.
I can't say the ideas are completely coherent, however. Particularly, I find the doublethink sentiments that "stagnation comes from a love of the unchanging" and "trying is a habit" to be rather funny. Habit is, by the very nature of the word, an attachment to an unchanging principle. Some would say that the sun makes a habit of rising in the morning for example. This essay is slightly self-defeating because of this strange logical oversite.
The sentiment of the essay is powerful and interesting. It is good encouragement for myself and any other writers who sometimes struggle to get their ideas onto paper. I see that this essay was written some years ago. I'm curious to hear your opinions on your past thoughts. Hopefully, this review makes you re-visit this work.
Let me know if you make any changes and I'll re-review the new version.
This poem is excellent. It conveys very well the emotions of a confrontation with the absurd, the existential crisis put on display conveys something very human and deep about a funerals sadness and the uplifting power of nature pointed out by the poems last two lines. Well done.
Now there are two lines that in particular need improvement. "change Latin to stained glass shattering vocals." I think i understand this line, about a choir singing a hymnal very highly, but I'm not sure. If there was some change that could clarify the meaning of this line I think it would serve your poem well to make that change.
Secondly the line "From steel to ash." it's too short. all your other lines are longer and that short line in the middle of all of them is extremely noticible. Try to make your lines similar lengths, it improves the flow of a poem. That's not a hard and fast rule, but it's a good rule of thumb to keep in mind. That piece of advice was given to me by the doctorate of poetry that worked at my college. So im not just talking out of my butt on this one. Good job I very much enjoyed this work.
Well, the initial premise is interesting, similar to "the Pedestrian" by Ray Bradbury, but the story has no follow-through. There is no payoff to the piece, no crescendo to the story beats. There is a beginning middle and an end sure, but there is no conflict or resolution. This review is difficult because there is no story to review here. It is mostly grammatically competent though so I can at least award a star for that.
Well done with this Haiku. I like the second version better. Mortal clouds of chilly breath is a much stronger image than mortal clouds of exertion. the second one seems to be in general stronger with words like "frozen" vs "broken" while maintaining the image of a winter struggle to the top of a mountain. I really love the narrative simplicity on display with this metaphor and enjoy the usage of winter imagery to convey the emotion of "struggle" well done on this piece.
This work seems to want to express some higher ideal but falls short of ever actually telling us what that is. Most of the time when I review poetry I recommend that people trim it up. Brevity is the soul of wit as they say, but in this case, I wish there was more to it. Lines like "as the unjust peace is now shaken" fall flat when the reader is unsure about what peace the author is referencing or why said peace is unjust.
This poem needs work in a lot of aspects but especially in its metaphor mixing. How can a truth be cowardly? Also the final couplet "at odds with epically inopportune strategies and ideals." is a bit funny in the context of the rest of the poem which expresses an inopportune set of strategies and ideals. Given those last lines im not even sure what the poem is trying to say. Is it a call for centrist thinking? or are you suggesting a new kind of radicalism? This poem hides too much behind too thick a veil of metaphor. You should not show your whole hand with a poem of course, but I should at least be able to recognize the core theme of your work. Needs a rewrite.
The flow of the work is good at least and I enjoy the short simple lines. Could do with a rhyme scheme to help its pacing, especially because of the frequent line breaks. But that's more of a suggestion than an actual complaint against the work.
Get rid of the ellipses after the word "shaken" they feel unnecessary and interrupt the flow of the work far too abruptly.
If you edit this work let me know and ill re-review it.
First off, a very nice effort. I quite enjoy seeing nature-themed poems anywhere and this is no exception.
I think I should point out that in stanza two you write, "now" when you actually mean "know." A small typo but you have a few small spelling and grammatical errors. Especially with comma usage. For example, you probably need a comma/semicolon in stanza three after the word "Days" when I type out that stanza without the line breaks it seems to need one there.
Also, the meaning of your poem seems confused to me. In stanza three especially. If mother nature wants you to move and hates stillness, then why would a roaming life cause you to despair? The metaphors throughout seem a little muddled to me, and they certainly don't evoke the feelings of loneliness and pain that your sting seeks to contradict in the last line.
That being said the work will be great with a little cleanup. Poetry requires a tremendous amount of painful editing. I admire poets, I lack the stomach to butcher myself to the degree that good poetry requires. I can tell, you too put yourself on display in this poem, and I admire that. Just work on the execution. Let me know when you revise it, I would love to see the improved version.
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