*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kevint
Review Requests: ON
56 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I use a three colored ribbon system, green, blue, and red, to measure my feelings on the strength of that area of the review. The color of the ribbon to the left of the category denotes how I feel the work measured up to the catigory. A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Means I feel the work passed and met this criteria. A Blue Ribbon *RibbonB* Means I feel this is somehow incomplete, or weak and will explain as best I can and offer any suggestions I can think of. A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Means I think the work is missing this. A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure. This Style I apply to both short stories and poetry. I'm just learning so please understand I need to have limits, which are word count for short stories is 1,500 Poetry line count is no more that forty lines please. At least for now until I get better at this.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories and Poetry
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of playing poker  
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
*Cool* *Reading* *Reading* A Review of: *Reading* *Reading* *Cool*


*RibbonB* *RibbonB* Playing Poker *RibbonB* *RibbonB*



Story Reviewed {item #2247059}

Author Charlie Carrol

Reviewer One Solitary Voice





Hi charlesscarol,
I'm doing a review on your story Playing Poker, and would like to offer some thoughts on the piece.


First a bit about my review method and style:
I use what is referred to as The Eight Point Story Arc.
I learned about this eight point Arc method from an email subscription I receive from the 'Daily Writhing Tips' web site which I found extremely helpful though very brief.

The Eight Point Story Arc from what I understand is 'considered to be a fool-proof, fail-safe and time-honored way to structure a story.'
The arc points are listed below in order with a brief explanation of each (which are excerpts from that email article).

1 The Stasis

This is the 'everyday life' in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley's.


2 Trigger

Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives ' you get the picture.

3 The Quest

The trigger results in a quest ' an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.


4 The Surprise

This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. 'Surprise' includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasizes that surprises shouldn't be too random or too predictable ' they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think 'I should have seen that coming!'


5 Critical Choice

At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path ' not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the 'critical choice' involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point ' Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


6 Climax

The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.


7 Reversal

The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters ' especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.


8 Resolution

The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis ' one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.

(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger')
I've only covered Watts' eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories.
He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs ' subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.
You can buy Writing a Novel from Amazon.com ' and I highly recommend that you do, as it's an excellent book for any writer of fiction, and deals with all aspects of the craft (not just eight-point arcs!)


Here's the Link to the article if you'd like to read it in its entirety for yourself.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a...


I like this in-depth approach to reviewing because I'm fairly new to writing and it helps me learn and better understand the craft, which in turn I hope, will help me become a better writer.
Before the Arc I also give brief comments on:
My General Impression
My Favorite Parts

What I Do NOT comment on as a rule of thumb is
Grammar and punctuation
The Parts of Speech

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work and
*RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It's your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.

So' Let's begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
I’ve heard it said that one should never judge a book by its cover, In this case I will try to keep that in line of thought with regard to its title. It was not at all what I was hoping or expected, as it is lacking all eight points of the eight point story arc but I’ll do my best to offer some positive critique on the piece.

*CheckB* Favorite Parts
I’m honestly not sure I have any favorite parts (other than the narrative, as it seems to be the only thing that holds the story together, That along with the genre “Emotional, Romance/Love, Other” and intro you placed in the pre-intro “stream of consciousness about being stuck between people” But it most definitely has potential to be a great piece or opening to begin building the stasis.

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic and/or is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 1 The Stasis
*FacePalm* *RibbonB*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 2 The Trigger
*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 3 The Quest
*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 4 The Surprise
*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 5 The Critical Choice
*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 6 The Climax
*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 7 The Reversal
*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 8 The Resolution
*RibbonR*


Summary and Closing Statement
I have to admit the use of some of the…(metaphors/Smiles and the Quantum mechanics of Schrodinger’s royal flush) as used here are confusing to me. In my opinion this whole story needs a good edit and revision to pull it together as a micro-story. JMHO but this piece might be better put into some poetic form, unless of course you plan on building it into a longer piece and fleshing it better or at bear minimum need a good revision and the eight arc points added.
I have to say though, this was the easiest review I’ve ever done as it failed the ark miserably, but at the same time one of the most difficult given the emotional subject matter. Thus it has some powerful potential to be an awesome piece that would probably pull the reader in and have a powerful emotional and philosophical impact on its readers. (and I’m not just blowing smoke up your butt here) it did to a degree for me. It just needs a good revision and polishing. [ additional thought and note:]My apology for not being able to offer better critique and feedback outside of the eight point story arc but my English, grammar and writing skills are somewhat weak at best. In fact I probably learned more from this review that you will and for that I’d like to Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. For that I will give you a GREEN RIBBON*RibbonG*

Keep up the good work and Write On…


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of After Tomorrow  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*Cool* *Reading* *Reading* A Review of: *Reading* *Reading* *Cool*


*RibbonB* *RibbonB* After Tomorrow *RibbonB* *RibbonB*



Story Reviewed {item #2245896}

Author rturner19936

Reviewer One Solitary Voice




Hi rturner,
I'm doing a review on your story { After Tomorrow} and would like to offer some thoughts on the piece.


First a bit about my review method and style:
I use what is referred to as The Eight Point Story Arc.

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a
*RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It's your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.

So' Let's begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
I found the opening dialog and conversation between Drake and Lanister a bit confusing as to who was speaking (perhaps try to fine tune that in your revision) and a bit choppy with some of the descriptive language (more so the types and spelling/typo’s than anything else e.g. sca NJ g the floor but as the story opening come together it perked my interest

*CheckB* Favorite Parts
I’d have to say when the dead girl rises up from the dead that really helped bring the story opening into focus

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 1 The Stasis
I definitely see a stasis forming here so I’m going to award this a Green Ribbon as the opening appears to be setting up the protagonist on the job living his life. ______*RibbonG*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 2 The Trigger
I see a couple potential Triggers here but mainly the dead girl coming to life, ______ A Green Ribbon*RibbonG* for the Trigger

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 3 The Quest
I can really say that I see a Quest here but this is only the opening of the first chapter ______I’ll give this a Red, Blue, Ribbon along with a Face Palm and a *RibbonB* *RibbonR**FacePalm*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 4 The Surprise
Great introduction of one of the elements of surprise with the dead girl making Drake shoot Lanister______ *RibbonB* *FacePalm*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 5 The Critical Choice
There is no critical choice but as I mentioned above it is just the opening of the story______I’m going to go with just a Red ribbon here on the Critical Choice *RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 6 The Climax
______*RibbonR* Not established yet

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 7 The Reversal
______*RibbonR*

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 8 The Resolution
Not established as of yet______*RibbonR*


Summary and Closing Statement
You packed quite a bit into this 800 word opening, With a good revision this could be a great piece of work,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Cool* *Reading* *Reading* A Review of: *Reading* *Reading* *Cool*


*RibbonB* *RibbonB* The Sicilian Dragon *RibbonB* *RibbonB*

Story Reviewed {item #2243119}

Author James Rowe

Reviewer One Solitary Voice




Hi James,
A Review per your request in the WDC Review Request Listings. The Sicilian Dragon was a great read. I liked it and would like to offer some thoughts on the piece.


First a bit about my review method and style:
I use The Eight Point Story Arc.

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a
*RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It's your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.

So' Let's begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
Well written I felt, packed with a fast paced unfolding action straight out of the gate. Descriptive, details giving the reader (well at least for me anyways) a great imagery that takes the reading into and apart of the unfolding story and flow of events. I also like the way the descriptive language as you fleshed out and introduced new characters to the reader.
As a first chapter I’d say it’s safe to say that in and of itself included all eight points of the eight-point story arc that can be built on as the story unfolds and introduces new subplots.


*CheckB* Favorite Parts
All of it! The descriptive langage and action kept my attention and in the story. Well Done! Looking forward to reading Chapter II

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 1 The Stasis
Rated and awarded 8 Green Ribbons. *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* One Green Ribbon for each point of the eight point story arc in just the opening stasis.

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 2 The Trigger
Awarded THREE Green Ribbons: *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* as I can see more than one trigger here.

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 3 The Quest
Again Three Green Ribbons: *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* for the way you incorporated a number of smaller triggers building up to the ultimate Quest, To Escape and complete the greater quest of the story

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 4 The Surprise
Three Green Ribbons *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* for the abundance of surprises that unfold throughout the first chapter

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 5 The Critical Choice
Three Green Ribbons *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* is most definitely present

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 6 The Climax
Three Green Ribbons*RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* Outstanding climax that builds from the opening paragraph to the closing of the chapter

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 7 The Reversal
Seven Green Ribbons *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* *RibbonG* awarded for the way you bring the reversal expands on the previous several arc points.

*RibbonG* *RibbonB* *RibbonR* 8 The Resolution
Eight Green Ribbons for the outstanding resolution and the way in which it circles around and places Jack right back to where he started from but in a circumstance that will make the quest even harder to complete.


Summary and Closing Statement
I Loved it I enjoyed the read and picking it apart, it was fun, and very educational and thought provoking for me. And very well written outside of one or two sentences that I got hung up on for a second or two the way they were worded. But the fast-moving action and descriptive language dwarfed any minor grammar issues.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Life and Death  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Cool* *Reading* *Reading* A Review of: Life and Death *Reading* *Reading* *Cool*


A most excellent read! Thank you for posting this piece. It was the highlight of my Sunday morning coffee out on my sun porch. Bright, sunny, warm, (cold outside here in New England) but the sun makes it nice and toasty inside.
I popped in WDC copied it from the review section then came out to enjoy doing a little Sunday morning review with my beloved morning coffee fix..
Loved it! loved the analogy’s, and comparisons.
Being a Suburban Bostonian here, the Red Sox/Yankee’s, caught my attention from the intro and opening.
The choice of the words you used were quite complex yet simply written, Loved the contrast between e.g. Chaos vs Control. (the fears doubts and insecurities) and mix with others as you move through the composition. It brought the reader (me) deep and had a nice flow as you, introduce new concepts and idea’s such as this except:
Complex ideas, concepts, theories, etc. can't simply be answered or understood without a plan of action and dedication to thinking outside the box. Step by step, a little bit more of the truth is hopefully revealed
And then lead the reader to
Your "identity" has to be picked apart, reduced. So yes, you first have to lose control and let chaos ensue to eventually obtain the ultimate control--becoming one with the true traveler within you.
Along with: “The aggregate sum” And “Reducing the sum to smaller and smaller pieces until you finally witness the seed of creation.”
I’ve only a brief introduction to technical writing, but this in its own creative and unique way is a beautifully written piece of technical writing work bringing the reader down the road of exploring all the abstracts of life, death, rebirth, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually; each of which are various variables of the chaos and struggles we face daily in life as imperfect humans for control of our own ultimate inevitable destiny, “Death”.
Then concluding with the golden rule “Love they neighbor as oneself.’


the final reversal of the piece to (within the realm of the 8 point story arc [my preferred method of reviewing as a rule of thumb])…..
Which leads me to this review, I can’t use the story arc as this is not a story but rather an abstract technical/psychology/science type of work, but in its own way those complex and chaotic ideas, metaphors, comparisons, and concepts seems to almost incorporate the Eight Point Story Arc in its own simple beautiful way and approach. [I hope that makes sense]
I love the way you use the anoloy’s to take the reading deeper into the piece (or “abyss” if you will)
“You have to thoroughly read authors like Gustave Flaubert, Dostoevsky, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, etc. to unveil the seed and true genius of their works.”

It held my attention and was easy to follow. Being not stranger to the abyss myself I identified throughout to the conclusion. [I’ve long believed that nothing is truly learned nor understood until it is first experienced.
“ The abyss is frightening, but the reward at the bottom makes the jump worth it.”
Indeed, it is, and might I add quite painful at times.

The rebirth of the traveler is a beautiful ending and reversal and resolution. Inspirational deep with a powerful emotional and spiritual impact on the reader. Beautifully written I really loved this. Great Work!!!
This work inspires me to create a couple new review templates for reviewing and learning more about other types of writings and styles.
Thanks for having coffee with me, this morning. It was a pleasure.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Cool* *Reading* *Reading* A Review of: *Reading* *Reading* *Cool*


*RibbonB* *RibbonB* The Star-Jeweled Necklace *RibbonB* *RibbonB*



Story Reviewed {item #2242355}

Author: Octavius

Reviewer: One Solitary Voice


Hi Octavius,
I'm doing a review on your story “The Star-Jeweled Necklace”, I read it, enjoyed it, and would like to offer some thoughts on the piece.


First a bit about my review method and style:
I use what is referred to as The Eight Point Story Arc.

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a
*RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It's your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.
So' Let's begin our review, Shall We...

My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
Overall I like the story it’s flow, and theme, with the exception that at some points it’s a bit wordy and choppy (un-needed descriptive language [which in my case as a reader began to make me lose interest])but retains a good flow and regained my interest as I moved through the story. A good revision is needed to refine and polish it. Also the switching of the narrative (1st person/3rd person e.g.) was a bit of a turn off. The wordiness and redundance of the stasis could be revised with inserting more emotion to capture and hold the readers attention and keep them on the edge of their seat. (e.g. moving the scene of when the man reaches into Travis Marrows body to pull out his soul…[just a suggestion, move it around and play with it have some fun with it in the revision]) but overall I liked it and feel it has a lot of potential. As for the story arc I think you for the most part have all eight points of the story arc included

*CheckB* Favorite Parts
Collectively an cereal eating ghost/spirit…week done and very creative

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

1 The Stasis

______*RibbonG*

2 The Trigger

______*RibbonG*

3 The Quest
______*RibbonG*

4 The Surprise
______*RibbonG*

5 The Critical Choice
______*RibbonG*

6 The Climax
______*RibbonB*

7 The Reversal

______*RibbonG*

8 The Resolution

______*RibbonG* *RibbonB*


Summary and Closing Statement
Nice Job, just needs a good revision, Keep up the good work and keep WRITING ON!!! Thanks for sharing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Trump Land  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Congratulations
I Just Reviewed
You're Poem, or at least attempted to. (I’m a wee bit rusty and inexperienced as I haven’t written or done any reviews in a while as I’ve haven’t been active on WDC in a few years)
But I have to say;
It had a cute flow to it and was a well written for this type of very dark poem. I’ve never done a review on a piece like this as it is a very revealing reflection of the darkness and hatred within the poets heart and mind but I will do my best to give you an honest, fair, and balanced review.


Item Reviewed {item: #2241451}

Author {user: Edward Driach }

Reviewer One Solitary Voice


Hi'.
I'm Jillian C (PN) I pulled your poem Trump Land from the political section. Nice Work!!! I can’t really say that I liked and enjoyed reading it. On a personal level, I felt it was (though well written and had a nice flow) a little to hateful and judgmental, and not sure if it belongs in the political category. But then again, I may be wrong as politics’ is a hard hitting contact sport, and in it’s own strange and unique way what better way or place to put a Dark political mellifluous poetic rant than the politics section right?

Before I begin:
I'd like to ask you to please keep in mind and remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your poem.
Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion just like your mellifluous hateful poetic rant.
You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

I'll be using the following Aspects as a guild line and reference point for this review.



*BulletB* Personal Impression
*BulletB* Tone
*BulletB* Mood
*BulletB* Rhyme
*BulletB* Rhythm
*BulletB* Form
*BulletB* Flow
*BulletB* Meter
*BulletB* Alliteration
*BulletB* Consonance
*BulletB* Figurative Language
*BulletB* Metaphors
*BulletB* Similes
*BulletB* Emotional Impact
*BulletB* Symbolism
*BulletB* Grammar and Punctuation
*BulletB* Theme


Note :
I usually review using a three colored ribbon system, green, blue, and red, to measure the strength of that aspect in the poem during reviews but in this case I’m going to take a Face Palm *FacePalm* on the poem as a whole. But for future reviews I wanted to explain my system and method.
The color of the ribbon to the left of that aspect will denote my feelings on whether or not that criterion was met in the poem. And please also keep in mind that not all of the above aspects are needed and or used in poetry.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel this criterion was present.
A Blue Ribbon *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this aspect is somehow incomplete, weak and or lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.
A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the poem is missing this. But remember a red ribbon does not mean that this aspect is needed to make it a great poem. It's only my opinion and observation.
A Face Palm *FacePalm* standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

Please keep in mind that my views and opinions are just that The opinion of an inexperienced writer and poet learning the craft.
I offer them in good spirit with the hope they might help you make this already great poem an even better one or even perhaps true Poetic masterpiece.
And Remember Always that this poem is your creation and masterpiece and only you {.c} know what is truly right for it.
So' Let's begin, Shall We'


*FacePalm* Personal Impression

*RibbonG* Tone

*RibbonG* Mood

*RibbonG* Rhyme

*RibbonG* Rhythm

*RibbonR* Form

*RibbonR* Flow

*FacePalm* Meter

*FacePalm* Alliteration

*FacePalm* Consonance

*RibbonR* Figurative Language

*RibbonR* Metaphors

*RibbonR* Similes

*RibbonG* Emotional Impact

*RibbonR* Symbolism

*RibbonB* Grammar and Punctuation

*RibbonR* Theme


*CheckB* Closing Remarks

This was a difficult piece to review as I said above, I’m rusty and just returning to WDC but tried to remain hones fair and balanced. Please keep writing and sharing your work. I’d love to have you(if you have a few moments) check out and give me some feedback and critique of my latest off site blogs which takes a different approach to the same election but looking from a patriotic spiritual approach vs a dark poetic approach here: The Death of Freedom – Constitution Kev's Wired Journal (wordpress.com) which once revised may be moved over to my WDC portfolio and also please feel free to peak at my latest WDC post Item # 2242382 entitled “The Beguiling of America. Hey keep up the good work and WRITE ON!!!


Thanks for sharing this item! I truly enjoyed this Poem.
Please keep on writing!


One Solitary Voice


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Philip Of Waverly  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Cool* *Reading* *Reading* A Review of: *Reading* *Reading* *Cool*


*RibbonB* *RibbonB* Philip of Weaverly*RibbonB* *RibbonB*



Story Reviewed {item #2242072}

Author {user BoB_618)

Reviewer One Solitary Voice




Hi ,
I'm doing a review on your story {Philip of Weaverly} I read it, enjoyed it, and would like to offer some thoughts on the piece.


First a bit about my review method and style:
I use what is referred to as The Eight Point Story Arc.

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a
*RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It's your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.

So' Let's begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
I liked the story theme as a whole, you packed a lot of great material within it, it’s a good 1st overall draft to build you story with. However I felt it was a little too wordy and will need a lot of cuts, rewording, and sentence restructuring in the next revision. E.g. many things could be postponed until later chapters to be introduced and I would try focusing on trying to insert more emotion into the Stasis to hold the readers attention while building the story and creating the 8 point story arc. (you noted this was only chapter one) but as a short and/or micro story It holds all of the elements of the story arc. Well Done!

*CheckB* Favorite Parts
I didn’t really have a favorite part but on the whole I liked it.

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonB* 1 The Stasis *RibbonB*
note my general impression above

*RibbonG* 2 The Trigger
note my general impression above

*RibbonB* 3 The Quest
note my general impression above

4 The Surprise
Not sure what to say here (I’m very rusty on my reviewing)but the only limitations are your creativeness and imagination

*RibbonB* 5 The Critical Choice
Not sure I’ll take a palm on this one

*RibbonB* 6 The Climax
again not sure, in a short story I’d give a green ribbon but given it’s only chapter one I’d say it’s out of place

7 The Reversal
I’m taking a palm on this one but I think I see one

*RibbonG* 8 The Resolution
The endings nice and fit’s a Resolution (I think)


Summary and Closing Statement
Not sure what I have to offer here because I don’t know where you plan on taking this throughout the rest of the story, other than my general impression above. (as I mentioned I’m just beginning [again] and just returning to WDC But well done I enjoyed the read. Keep Writing.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Rated: E | (1.0)
Poem Review Form

Congratulations & Welcome to WDC I see your new. I'm also new (sort of) just returning after a lengthy absence, and just returning.
I Just Reviewed
You're Poem Or at lest attempted too. but for forgot how to use my old Poetry review template, and need to get my bearings again and familiarize myself all the WDC mark up language,
And I have to say; It was certainly dark, I didn't really pick up on (or sure how to rate) this in detail. Thus I'm going to take the palm on this but enjoyed the reading just the same. Best I can recommend is the try using a the resourous and try to give it a better flow and mellifluous Poetic rhythm and still retain that emotion, while not alienating and demonizing our fellow man type of thing...(hope that makes sense)in your edits and revissions. One last thought is I'm not so sure this falls under the educational category but then again it is poetry and even dark poetry in and of itself is a an art, is a powerful teaching tool to reveal the darkness of within humanity from the writer to the poems meaning...(again my apology and hope that makes sense)I'm very rusty at this it's been a while.
At any rate Ya I'm taking the Palm on this one.
It was good to read your and WRITE ON!

''.!!!


Item Reviewed {item: ####}

Author {user: ####}

Reviewer One Solitary Voice


Hi'.
I'm Jillian C (PN) I pulled your poem from the review tab. Nice Work!!! I liked it and enjoyed reading it.

Before I begin:
I'd like to ask you to please keep in mind and remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your poem.
Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion.
You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

I'll be using the following Aspects as a guild line and reference point for this review.



*BulletB* Personal Impression
*BulletB* Tone
*BulletB* Mood
*BulletB* Rhyme
*BulletB* Rhythm
*BulletB* Form
*BulletB* Flow
*BulletB* Meter
*BulletB* Alliteration
*BulletB* Consonance
*BulletB* Figurative Language
*BulletB* Metaphors
*BulletB* Similes
*BulletB* Emotional Impact
*BulletB* Symbolism
*BulletB* Grammar and Punctuation
*BulletB* Theme


Note :
For the review will use a three colored ribbon system, green, blue, and red, to measure the strength of that aspect in the poem during this review.
The color of the ribbon to the left of that aspect will denote my feelings on whether or not that criterion was met in the poem. And please also keep in mind that not all of the above aspects are needed and or used in poetry.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel this criterion was present.
A Blue Ribbon *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this aspect is somehow incomplete, weak and or lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.
A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the poem is missing this. But remember a red ribbon does not mean that this aspect is needed to make it a great poem. It's only my opinion and observation.
A Face Palm *FacePalm* standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

Please keep in mind that my views and opinions are just that The opinion of an inexperienced writer and poet learning the craft.
I offer them in good spirit with the hope they might help you make this already great poem an even better one or even perhaps true Poetic masterpiece.
And Remember Always that this poem is your creation and masterpiece and only you {.c} know what is truly right for it.
So' Let's begin, Shall We'


*Ribbon* Personal Impression

*Ribbon* Tone

*Ribbon* Mood

*Ribbon* Rhyme

*Ribbon* Rhythm

*Ribbon* Form

*Ribbon* Flow

*Ribbon* Meter

*Ribbon* Alliteration

*Ribbon* Consonance

*Ribbon* Figurative Language

*Ribbon* Metaphors

*Ribbon* Similes

*Ribbon* Emotional Impact

*Ribbon* Symbolism

*Ribbon* Grammar and Punctuation

*Ribbon* Theme


*CheckB* Closing Remarks

Please keep writing and sharing your work.


Thanks for sharing this item! I truly enjoyed this Poem.
Please keep on writing!


One Solitary Voice


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Soon...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Christaltro,
You’re Review as per your request.
Hope you had a very blessed, joyful and very merry Christmas and that blessing and joy stays with you throughout the New Year.
Before I begin let me just say I haven’t writing or reviewed in near six months so I’m a bit rusty but will do my best to give you some honest and positive Critique and feedback.
Please just remember that any review given by others is mealy just an opinion whether it be positive or negative and you as the artist and craftsmen, and only you are the best judge for what is right for your art and creation. Everyone has different likes, tastes; styles, and so on so take all reviews with a grain of salt and discard the negative when it comes if it is not in the form of positive critique.
Now before I begin let me also point out to you that I’m not a word smith, professional or published author, writer or poet. I only write as a hobby but I’ll do my best to give you and honest review.
Now a quick word about my review style; I use a color coded ribbon system and apply it to the various elements of the poem EG. Mood Rhythm tone etc that I cover.
That being said what I do when reviewing is examine the work in light of categories and then award each category with a color coded ribbon. The color of the ribbon to the left of that aspect will denote my feelings on whether or not that criterion was met in the poem.
A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel this criteria was present.
A Blue Ribbon *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this aspect is somehow incomplete, weak and or lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.
A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the poem is missing this. But remember a red ribbon does not mean that this aspect is needed to make it a great poem. It's only my opinion and observation.
A Face Palm *FacePalm* standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.
The Criteria’s I use are listed as follows below.


*BulletB* Personal Impression
*BulletB* Tone
*BulletB* Mood
*BulletB* Rhyme
*BulletB* Rhythm
*BulletB* Form
*BulletB* Flow
*BulletB* Meter
*BulletB* Alliteration
*BulletB* Consonance
*BulletB* Figurative Language
*BulletB* Metaphors
*BulletB* Similes
*BulletB* Emotional Impact
*BulletB* Symbolism
*BulletB* Grammar and Punctuation
*BulletB* Theme


Please keep in mind that my views and opinions are just that The opinion of an inexperienced writer and poet learning the craft.
I offer them in good spirit with the hope they might help you make this already great poem an even better one or even perhaps true Poetic masterpiece.
And Remember Always that this poem is your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for it.
So' Let's begin, Shall We'

You’re Review


Personal Impression
On first read I was in a somewhat of a distracted environment (I was working at my dining room table with other people in the room etc.) and it did nothing for me, the first two line were confusing and I think that lingered and tainted the remainder of the poem. (It didn’t grab me right away) and I lost a lot of the emotional impact and the deepness that was developed as the poem progressed. It took a couple readings to really understand the meaning of the “Broken Hourglass” and who it related to the poem in its entirety. I didn’t like it! The opening two lines seemed awkward and made no sense. But now that I can see the relationship to the overall theme and story I think it is outstanding and very creative and beautiful poetry at it best. You used and/or combined a metaphor and simile (for lack of better words) and fleshed out the remainder of the poem with a lot of powerful emotion, imagery and meaning. Absolutely outstanding and Beautiful work of art from start to finish.

That being said I honestly see no reason to complete the the remainder of my ribbon system type of review. I don’t think there is anything I can really add or offer. I honestly feel inadequate and unqualified to offer any kind of detailed feedback by breaking down the poem and analyzing the different element of poetry. Ya know its funny I only choose this system of reviewing because I figured long detailed reviews would help me to better understand and appreciate poetry and help me write better poetry. This is definitely one of If not THEE best I’ve had the privilege to review. Thanks a Million for allowing me the honor.



*RibbonG* Tone

*RibbonG* Mood

*RibbonG* Rhyme

*RibbonG* Rhythm

*RibbonG* Form

*RibbonG* Flow

*RibbonG* Meter

*RibbonG* Alliteration

*RibbonG* Consonance

*RibbonG* Figurative Language

*RibbonG* Metaphors

*RibbonG* Similes

*RibbonG* Emotional Impact

*RibbonG* Symbolism

*RibbonG* Grammar and Punctuation

*RibbonG* Theme


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Cool*
*Reading* *Reading*
A Fellow Writing Dot Com Members Review of:
*Reading* *Reading*
*Cool*





*Delight* *Delight**RibbonB* *RibbonB*
*RibbonB* *RibbonB**Delight* *Delight*



Story Reviewed
"Grandpa's Christmas Card


Author
Danza

Reviewer
One Solitary Voice


Hi Danza ,

Hope you had a wonderful holiday season and Welcome to Writing Dot Com. I think you’ll find the site a wonderful and enriching experience. I’d also like to offer my apologies for the time delay in getting back to you with my review.


First a bit about my review method and style:
I usually use what is referred to as The Eight Point Story Arc. as a basis for my reviews.


The Eight Point Story Arc is “considered to be a fool-proof, fail-safe and time-honored way to structure a story.”

The eight point story arc is listed below in order with a brief explanation of each (which are excerpts from an article that can be viewed here http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a... ).

*CheckB* 
1 The Stasis


This is the “everyday life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.


*CheckB*
2 Trigger


Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture.


*CheckB* 
3 The Quest


The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.

*CheckB*
4 The Surprise


This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasizes that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”


*CheckB* 
5 Critical Choice


At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


*CheckB* 
6 Climax


The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.

*CheckB* 
7 Reversal


The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.

*CheckB* 
8 Resolution


The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.

(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)

I've only covered Watts’ eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories.
He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs – subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.
You can buy Writing a Novel from Amazon.com – and I highly recommend that you do, as it’s an excellent book for any writer of fiction, and deals with all aspects of the craft (not just eight-point arcs!)


Here‘s the Link to the article if you’d like to read it in its entirety for yourself.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/


I like this in-depth approach to reviewing because I’m fairly new to writing and it helps me learn and better understand the craft, which in turn I hope, will help me become a better writer.


Before the Arc I also give brief comments on:
*BulletB* My General Impression *CheckB*
*BulletB* My Favorite Parts *CheckB*

What I don’t comment on because as a newbie I’m still just learning and my English and Grammar is weak.
*BulletB* Grammar and punctuation *CheckB*
*BulletB* The Parts of Speech *CheckB*


Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a *RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It’s your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.
So… Let’s begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
I enjoyed the read, the warm cheery opening and the setting was captivating and grabbed my attention immediately and kept me reading. The narrative in the third paragraph “Poor Grandpa…” puts the reader right in the room and in the moment. Nicely done!!!
The following sentence however: “He started working at a young age, and..” seemed a bit out of place and should perhaps have its own paragraph, but at the same time it does give a glimpse and/or insight into grandpa’s past and more detail of the character of grandpa. And ends the thought…Thus prepares the reader for a new thought that begins in the next paragraph.
Thus again well done.
The constant and quick shift in the narrative‘s telling of the story from pleasant emotional experiences and memories to sadness is well constructed giving the reader a powerful emotional ride.
The shift to the narrative of the dream was an interesting transition. A little rough and abrupt but at the same time recaptures the reader and hooks them again.
______
*CheckB* Favorite Parts
I’d have to say the opening “the Statsus”
______
*CheckB* Grammar, and Punctuation
This section happens to be one of my weak points thus usually don’t comment on G&P. If there were any G&P they were minor and I didn’t pick up on any.
______
*CheckB*Paragraph Structure
You packed a lot into each sentence which in turn fattened up the paragraphs but yet it was not cluttered. The wording was a tad awkward in a couple spots but nothing major or glaring and still flowed nicely. Nice work.
______
*CheckB* Sentence structure
I picked up on a couple minor things, but nothing serious that can’t be tightened up in the revision.
______
*CheckB*Some random thoughts on the story/dream

Although I liked the narration of the dream, and the dream itself, and I thought it was interesting, and was well written….
The dialog between the narrator and the crow…
The protective instinct and bravery of the character protect the Dove…
The development of the dream…
The characters emotional state, (fear’s, insecurities)…
I liked it all! And thought it a great read.
Dreams are a powerful force and can affect us in the most profound ways sometimes, and thus can equally be just as scary and horrifying. They are fertile ground for the making of great writing and story telling.
But; although I liked the narrative, and introduction to the dream; I must also admit I felt it was a slight stumbling block, in that it interrupted the flow of the story.
Perhaps when/or if, you revise this, you could try to ease into the dream with a little smoother flowing creative writing…
(perhaps this could be done by fleshing out the characters of the three of them [the narrator, Crow, and Dove] and/or giving more detail of what the narrator is seeing and hearing as she is moving from room to room,
e.g. are there family pictures hanging on the wall’s that have grandpa in them?
What are her thoughts and feelings as she looks at certain things around the house that remind her of Grandpa,
Or perhaps maybe she sees or thinks she see’s him..
or has a flash back and/or memory of him…)
That sort of thing…
There is a ton of room here to turn this dream and experience into a much longer piece of writing that you could take in hundreds of different directions; building off of what you already have…Or by just fine tuning it and keeping it a short story.
e.g. the meeting with the crow…
During the narrative of the dream you did a nice job pulling the reader (me) into the emotional and mental state of the character; so building off that would only make this a better story than it already is.
Nice Work, just needs to be fine tuned

______
Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* 1 The Stasis
______

*RibbonG* 2 The Trigger
______

*RibbonG* 3 The Quest
______

*RibbonG* 4 The Surprise
______

*RibbonG* 5 The Critical Choice
______

*RibbonG* 6 The Climax
______

*RibbonG* 7 The Reversal
______

*RibbonG* 8 The Resolution
______

*CheckB*Summary and Closing Statement
Generally speaking I’d have to say I see all eight points of the story arc here in your short story and dream in various degrees. Again Nice work and Welcome to the Writing Dot Com community






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Letter  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Congratulations
You've Just Been Reviewed


Story Reviewed "The Letter
Author wr1t1in4fun
Reviewer
One Solitary Voice


A quick note about my review style:

I like to use the eight point story arc as a guide when doing reviews. If you are not familiar with the eight point story arc, you can view a brief explanation of it here.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/
I like the eight point story arc because my English, Grammar, and punctuation are the weakest areas of my writing and being fairly new to the craft of writing I find it very helpful and educational in my reviewing.
It also takes away any insecurities and feelings of inferiority when reviewing writers that are more skilled than I am and restores the fun of reviewing. Unfortunately I will not be offering any in-depth critique in the area of English, grammar, spelling and punctuation but will point out those that I do happen to pick up on.
So, shall we begin?



*BulletB* General Impression

I liked the story over all. It grabbed me immediately from the first paragraph and drew me in and held me throughout until the end.


*BulletB* Favorite Parts

I’d have to say the term “The Umbrella Man” , that made me chuckle. Other than that nothing in particular stood out with the exception of the abrupt ending and cliff hanger.


*BulletB* Plot

There is not much I can think of to say with regard to the plot other than it is incomplete and not fully developed as it does not pass through all eight stages of the eight point story arc. I assume this piece is an excerpt from a larger work or a piece from a work in progress thus
That being said, I suppose this section is for the most part is not applicable to this review. But I will say that
Other than to say it appears (or seems) to me that this (if this is not the opening stasis of a longer story) then this is part of an arc within an arc and you may be building a sub plot into the larger story. Either way it appears you have laid out the ground work and foundation which to build your story and or one or more of your sub plots within the main story. Either way, or whichever the case may be I like the approach and the way it is being developed and is unfolding. Nice job. To me this shows that you have strong and well developed writing skills.


*BulletB* Characters

Here again Character development is one of my weak areas so what I write next please take with a grain of salt and take that into consideration.
Toro Akazawa….Hmmm … What can I say about Toro?
He’s of oriental descent??? (Chuckling…[just kidding and trying to insert some humor to deflect my uncertainty of how to approach this part of the review])
OK, let’s see, umm….While Toro is not really fully (or completely) fleshed out in the larger sense of character development. In this situation and or scene, I don’t think it was necessary; you do a great job putting the reader into his skin and emotional state and allowing them to feel what Toro is feeling. Thus the part of Toro you do share here with the reader fits perfectly into the setting and scene and is well developed. I liked the way that I could feel and identify with what Toro was thinking and feeling vs. just telling the reader what he was feeling.
Nice Job!
Now on to Mr. Urawa…
Here again I think you did a nice job with developing and molding Mr. Urawa’s character; His demeanor, manors, directness, (or straight forwardness if you will), his appearance. etc.
Both were interesting Characters and the way you introduced them into the story/scene made me wanted to get to know them better and what they were all about and up to within the realm of the story. Also I liked the way in which you introduced the mystery woman.


*BulletB* Use of Descriptive Wording

This is what I liked best about the piece, the subtleness and skill in which you laid out the scene, imagery and introduced the characters, but I will add however; that in a couple spots the writing seemed to get a little wordy (almost to the point where it almost got choppy and bumpy) and that it could be trimmed or some of it edited out and or condensed. It was still a great read though. Just something you might want to consider in the revision phase of the work. Just my humble opinion, but then again it didn’t get bogged down to the point where I lost interest in the story and wanted to put it down.


*BulletB* Imagery

While there is always (or in most cases anyway) room for improvement, I honestly had no problem or difficulty whatsoever with seeing the surroundings and tuning into the atmosphere and emotional state of the characters. You did a great job with your use of the descriptive wording to create the imagery.


*BulletB* Grammar, Punctuation and spelling

I picked up on a few minor errors in these areas but nothing major
.

*BulletB* Sentence and Paragraph Structure

Here also I picked up on a couple small things. E.g. when they sit at the table with the coffee the second half of the last sentence of that paragraph You left out the word “it” you have “he glanced at but” should be he glanced at it. Little things such as that that I picked up on but like I said before they were minor things that didn’t make me loss interest in the read.
A few other examples are in the first paragraph I think the word “Wonder” should be wondered.
The second paragraph you have “various junk mail” it should be various (pieces of junk) mail
In the fourth paragraph the sentence “I resisted the urge to cry but…” reads a little awkward and should probably be (And) “my throat dried up….”
And in the sixth paragraph the sentences “Who ever had pressed it…” and “Like holding my head…” and through the first sentence of the seventh paragraph also seemed to me to read a bit awkward.
Little things such as these, you might want to consider revising, but all and all I think it was still very well written with the exception of these minor things.


The Eight Point Story Arc
As I mentioned above this whole piece seems to be only a stasis and is lacking many of the other areas of the eight point story arc.
Below is a list of the parts of the eight point story arc with a brief explanation of each from the article that I linked above. The color of the ribbon in front of that part of the arc will denote whether or not that particular section of the arc was present or missing.
A Green ribbon*RibbonG* will mean this part of the arc is present
A Red ribbon*RibbonR* will mean this part of the arc is missing
A brown ribbon *RibbonB* with a face palm *Facepalm* will mean I don’t know or I’m not sure one way or the other.


*RibbonG* The Stasis

This is the “everyday life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.

*RibbonG* The Trigger

Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture

*RibbonG**RibbonR* The Quest

The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.

*RibbonR* The Surprise

This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist. Watts emphasizes that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”

*RibbonG*/*RibbonR* The Critical Choice

At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


*RibbonR* The Climax

The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.


*RibbonR* The Reversal

The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.


*RibbonR* Resolution


The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.
(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)
I’ve only covered Watts’ eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories. He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs – subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.


Summary and Closing Statements


I think I pretty much covered everything I can think of above so I will close with saying this was well written and a great read.
Nice Work!!!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Mira  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of Mira


Story Reviewed {item: 2002855}

Author Lillie }

Reviewer{user: kevint}

My review
I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking for in a response from me. I assume this is the stasis of a story or opening of a new chapter, perhaps the introduction and opening to a new scene? It could fit in a lot of places within a novel or the opening of a short story.

General Impression

It flowed, smoothly for the most part; with the exception of a couple lines here and there e.g. in the first paragraph starting at the end of the third sentence and continuing through the next couple sentences. it was a wee bit choppy (I liked the descriptive language; it was very nicely written and very well done BRAVO!! But…) and there is a big But here. While I liked it, and it was well written, as far as I can tell anyway; It has some problems IMHO anyway.

The story (generally speaking) does not really reflect the time period. Well at least that was the impression It felt more like I was in a more modern era like the thirties or something couple. E.G. below is a couple snapshots of that time.


         Most of the residential buildings in the boroughs of NY at that time were three to six story buildings and didn't have stairs on the outside of the building. And you wouldn't get the aroma’s of the bread and cigars, meats, fish, etc from the shops from below…(unless you were sitting in the window above the store fronts) you follow my train of thought here?

         Long before prohibition took effect in 1920, many states already had outlawed alcohol, thus before 1917 when congress passed the 18th amendment the streets would not be full of stiff’s staggering home before sun up.

         Mostly at that time in 1916 a lot of the streets were not paved yet and were still cobble stones

         Another example is that: You made a reference to the heart in the end of third sentence “…..some would consider to be the heart” This sounds like (well I’m assuming anyway) you are referring to what is/was known as the “Crystal Corridor” AKA the architectural heart of the 20th century. This section of NY did not get that name until after WWII…

These are just a couple of my observations in the story and examples you can lull over. Basically what I’m saying is the Stasis/story opening does not accurately reflect a visual of that time period. Even though you didn't get very detailed on the scenery I still felt I was in a later period. (just food for thought)

Now I don’t know where you want to take this, or if you plan on writing this foreword so I guess in a short story you could get away with this but if this were, or is going to become part of a longer story or novel you might want to try to present a more accurate description of that time and the surroundings to try to give the reader a better vision in their minds eye (even if its only briefly or generally). Which will mean doing some research…Yikes!!! Ha Ha…Just my opinion.

But then on the other hand there is really nothing wrong with it as is. I mean after all it is you’re writing and your decision ultimately.
My only question If I were you would be to ask myself (If you hope to get published anyway)…Would this be acceptable to an editor or publisher? And unfortunately I can’t answer that help you in that area, because I’ve never dealt with one. So you’ll have to get an opinion and feedback from someone who has experience in that area.

Favorite Parts
All of it, I liked it

Plot
Love story/Romance? I assume…

Characters
Good job

Use of Descriptive Wording
Very nice work

Imagery
In spite of my opening comments about the time period, I still got a good visual. Nice work!

Grammar and Punctuation
My weakest link and area so I will not comment on this.

The Eight Point Story Arc
Is not really applicable at this stage other than to say you created the stasis. And I think her being in love with the paperboy is a or could be a good way to set the stage for a trigger and the remaining arc points for your reference I list them with an explanation of each part below.

Summary and Closing Statements
I think it was well written and very creative. You did a good job with everything as far as I can tell and I like the first person POV, (Not sure what else I can say at this point. Other than give that time period thing some thought you may need to do some research if you want to write this forward. You can do the research via Google but here’s a link that might help get those creative juices flowing or that time period. It’s a link to a list of stories in the New York times for 1916. I hope it helps with generating ideas and to incorporate within the story if you decide to write this forward or at bear minimum give you a clearer picture of current events of that time.

Here is the link to the list of the New York Times article's from 1916

http://spiderbites.nytimes.com/free_1916/

The Point Story Arc below with a brief explanation of each point


I learned about this eight point Arc method from an email subscription I receive from the “Daily Writhing Tips” web site which I found extremely helpful though very brief.

The Eight Point Story Arc from what I understand is “considered to be a fool-proof, fail-safe and time-honoured way to structure a story.”
The arc points are listed below in order with a brief explanation of each (which are excerpts from that email article).

*CheckB* 1 The Stasis

This is the “everyday life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.


*CheckB* 2 Trigger

Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture.

*CheckB*  3 The Quest

The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.


*CheckB* 4 The Surprise

This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasizes that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”


*CheckB* 5 Critical Choice

At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


*CheckB*  6 Climax

The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.


*CheckB*  7 Reversal

The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.


*CheckB*  8 Resolution

The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.

(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)

I've only covered Watts’ eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories.
He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs – subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.
You can buy Writing a Novel from Amazon.com – and I highly recommend that you do, as it’s an excellent book for any writer of fiction, and deals with all aspects of the craft (not just eight-point arcs!)


Here‘s the Link to the article if you’d like to read it in its entirety for yourself.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Review of
Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me



Story Reviewed "Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me?

Author Izzy~WeloveyouHenrik</3

Reviewer One Solitary Voice


First A Refresher of the Eight Point Story Arc

*CheckB* 1 The Stasis
This is the “everyday life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.


*CheckB* 2 Trigger
Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture.

*CheckB*  3 The Quest
The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.


*CheckB* 4 The Surprise
This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasizes that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”


*CheckB* 5 Critical Choice
At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


*CheckB*  6 Climax
The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.


*CheckB*  7 Reversal
The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.


*CheckB*  8 Resolution
The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.

(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)




OK Here We Go... Brace yourself for this one

Remember

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

My Review


*FacePalm**RibbonG* Stasis
You have a stasis at the opening within the first few paragraphs, but while its present It’s weak, and wordy.(there’s no Hook) and it’s all tell and no show (there’s no emotional impact on the reader).

Possible Solutions
Add some action: e.g. a cheap check or trip, on whoever passed the puck to Darren, he goes down and is hurt, type of thing (You’re a hockey fan use your imagination and stress the excitement and emotional impact on Maddison.) Laughing you could even make the lights go out in this middle of it LOL. Or make Darren the one that gets hurt and she can’t get through on the phone to find out if he’s ok.
Try to cut and or condense as much of the un-needed stuff as you can in the first three paragraphs and replace it with powerful action and emotional stuff that will really grab the reader’s attention…E.g. she knows she’s already pregnant and this causes a complication…type of thing. This would also introduce the trigger, you follow my train of thought?

*FacePalm**RibbonB*Trigger
I’m honestly not sure what the trigger is in this story, the pregnancy or Darren’s jealousy over the photo. Either way it’s present, but if the real trigger is Darren’s jealousy I think it might be introduced to late in the story and doesn’t allow for the middle of the story to be filled in with the Quest.

Possible Solution:
Perhaps move or introduce the trigger sooner after the Stasis to the beginning of the middle section of the story.

*FacePalm**RibbonR*The Quest
I might be wrong here (remember I’m new at this) but I really didn't see a Quest (as I understand the quest) here. A lot of the middle story seems to be just a long version of the Stasis. (At least up until Darren turns into a jerk and pulls his little immature jealousy rant)

Possible Solution
I’m not sure I can offer anything here, this would be call and decision as the author depending on what you choose for a fix in the above areas, other than to say at this stage you could re-introduce and tweak a lot of the stuff that you might have cut in the revision up to this point to help fill in the middle story.

*FacePalm**RibbonR*The Critical Choice
Again, I maybe wrong here but I’m not sure I seen a critical choice here made by Madison and/or Darren. But then again there is a critical choice at the end (Darren dumping the girl friend but I think it appears to late in the story. I’m honestly not sure about this aspect.

Possible solution:
Again I don’t think I can offer anything helpful here, this solution would be up to you depending on how you revise the quest.

*RibbonB*The Climax
I see a climax and lots of good tension here (the Jealousy and Darren brining another women home.) this was a shocker and initiated a great emotion reaction.

Possible Solutions
I’m honestly not sure what to offer here for suggestions. But after reading Forever Changed and the great job you did with the climax (es) in that story. I sure you revision will knock the readers right out of there chair

*FacePalm**RibbonB*The Reversal
The reversal was present (Darren’s decision to dump the girlfriend, approaching Madison in the stands after practice, the makeup ect.

Suggestion to consider
(I’m not sure if this is practical or sound advice or not) but you might want to Consider building more into the middle story as a secondary element of the Quest, surprise, critical choice etc Kronner’s struggling with the internal emotional conflict as to whether or not he’s in love with Katrina and the choice to be with her only rather than dating different girls type of thing to help build a better scene of there appearance in the final scene and last few paragraphs (interesting choice for a name by the way.)

*FacePalm**RibbonB*The Resolution
The resolution was present but weak (I think? [Shrugs shoulders]) To gushy for me (my opinion)
Sarcasm on…. *Wink* “O Darren O Darren It’s ok that you were so careless and reckless with my heart and you ripped our lives apart and I’ll never be able to trust you again, I love you anyways… *Wink* (Sarcasm Off)

Potential fix and/or solution
Consider toning it down, and adding a more serious dialog while there in the stands, insert more emotion in the dialog. Instead of “O Darren” consider a standoffish position with Madison, with her saying “you hurt me you know, Real bad, I don’t know if I could ever recover from this or trust you again, I can’t live with that pain and mistrust, I WON’T ACCEPT, OR LIVE WITH THAT” etc etc…make it more realistic, real and emotional, but with Madison willing to give him a change to right the wrong but not get back together so quickly… You follow my train of thought here.

Closing statement and Final Thoughts
All and all it was a good story, with a lot of potential, that could have that same powerful emotional impact as with Forever Changed, it just needs to be tightened up bit with a good revision,
I felt more like I was on the outside looking in vs being a part of and in the story with the characters and feeling what they were feeling. (This might just be me, not the story itself) Get a couple more opinions and reviews from more experienced writers on this Than me Izzy because as you know I’m new to this and just learning the craft.

I’m not sure what the fix is for that but definitely keep writing…

*FacePalm*I hope I wasn't too harsh with this review. *FacePalm*

Please remember this is only one opinion and only you know what is right for your story. And I only offer my opinions in the good spirit that they might help you make this a better story than it already is.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Forever Changed  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*A Review of*Reading*


*RibbonB*Forever Changed*RibbonB*


Story Reviewed "Forever Changed
Author Izzy~WeloveyouHenrik</3
Reviewer One Solitary Voice


Hi Izzy,
Your review of Forever Changed as per your request.

First a quick note on my review method and style:
I use what is referred to as The Eight Point Story Arc. I learned about this eight point Arc method from an email subscription I receive from the “Daily Writhing Tips” web site which though very brief; I found extremely helpful.

The Eight Point Story Arc according to the article I read on Daily Writing Tips “is considered to be a fool-proof, fail-safe and time-honoured way to structure a story.”
The arc points are listed below in order with a brief explanation of each (excerpts from that article).

*Bullet* 1 The Stasis
This is the “everyday life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.

*Bullet* 2 Trigger
Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture.

*Bullet* 3 The Quest
The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.

*Bullet* 4 The Surprise
This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasizes that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”

*Bullet* 5 Critical Choice
At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.

*Bullet* 6 Climax
The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.

*Bullet* 7 Reversal
The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.

*Bullet* 8 Resolution
The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.
(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)
I've only covered Watts’ eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories.
He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs – subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.
You can buy Writing a Novel from Amazon.com – and I highly recommend that you do, as it’s an excellent book for any writer of fiction, and deals with all aspects of the craft (not just eight-point arcs!)
Here‘s the Link to the article if you’d like to read it in its entirety for yourself.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/

I like this in-depth approach to reviewing because I’m fairly new to writing and it helps me learn and better understand the craft, which in turn I hope, will help me become a better writer.

I also give brief comments on:
*BulletB* My General Impression *CheckB*
*BulletB* My Favorite Parts *CheckB*
*BulletB* Plot *CheckB*
*BulletB* Characters *CheckB*
*BulletB* Imagery/Use of Descriptive Wording*CheckB*

Please keep in mind That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and I’m new at reviewing, I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work
*RibbonY* A TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*
And always remember: It’s your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for your story.

That being said here’s my take on ‘Forever Changed’

My Review

*CheckB*General Impression

I thought this was a really great story, and was well written. A real tear jerking, heartwarming, heart wrenching, tale that pulled on the heart strings all throughout, and had me on the edge of my seat from beginning to the end. I got teary eyed more than once, and had a smile on my face and laughed just as much.
The ending was not the tragic one I expected which really surprised me, I like that you gave it a happy ending that was a really nice touch. Instead of walking away with sadness I walked away from the read with a warm smile on my face. This is beautiful work. It was a very powerful and moving piece.

Quick note:

I looked at you portfolio briefly and seen that you’re only eighteen, and must say you've got a lot of talent kid. (I’m fifty four, and just began thinking seriously about writing about five or six years ago. I hope you never stop or put it down. I was about your age when I first realized I had a desire to write, not because I loved writing but because I thought I had a story that needed to be told, but didn't have the English and grammar skills at that time, (I went to a trade high school and college was not an option for me at that time) but did continue journaling and writing poetry for a while then stopped, mostly out of the overwhelming fear, doubt, and insecurity I had back then. I've heard many writers say that they stopped and put it down for a period of years or decades, and it’s always the same result; they regretted it, myself included; So please Keep at it and don’t give up.

*CheckB* Favorite Parts
Definitely Winning the Cup because it wasn't the tragic ending I expected and was bracing for; but there were other parts I liked that you sprinkled throughout the story.

*CheckB* Plot
See the Eight point Story arc section below;

*CheckB* Characters

Alana
Alana is an amazing little girl you did a great job fleshing her out as a character, perhaps a little too good. Although she was a great character, at some points she didn't seem natural, Her personality, and intelligence seemed, seemed over done for her age.
I’m not sure what to offer you for suggestion here, I’m not what the best option would be here, making her a couple years older or just toning down the dialog.
I guess that would be up to you as the author. However, regardless, it’s still an awesome story, it might be best to just leave it as is.

Niklas
I loved the role of Niklas as the main protagonist; the way you fleshed him out as a genuine down to earth warm hearted guy. I like the way he befriended Alana and became more intricately involved with the family and was there for Alana. Great job all around in all area’s with developing and bringing Niklas to life from a ya sure what the hell I’ll meet the little girl type of attitude to a really loving and warm hearted guy…Nice work.

Tyler and Carol
I liked the role you gave them throughout the story. Tyler’s presence in the background and the way Carol was the stronger and more out spoken and active one. The roles she played as a mom with her high and low emotional points seemed very natural and helped push the story forward. Nice Job!!!


Hank
Hank was a likable character. You fleshed his personality out nicely through the dialog, without bogging down any of the scenes with details. Aside from that I’m not sure you needed to repeat mentioning his nationality once it was established it had no bearing on the story that I could tell, but no harm done. It didn’t hinder the story or make me stumble through the reading at all, but at any rate… Again! Nice job with Hanks character.

The Coach
Not sure what to say about the coach other than you used his presence and role to push the story forward nicely.

Stewie
This scene and introduction of Stewie was a nice addition, and very creative way to introduce the patches the team wore on their uniforms.

Dr. Howard
Personally, I’d revise or cut this intro of him and what Alana overheard. Give her a different worry and or fear (e.g. she knows she will die and is worried about what will happen to her parents and Niklas) I’ve had personal experience with medical professionals when my daughter went through a couple open heart surgeries years ago and the doctors, surgeons, and nursing staff were of the up most professional behavior and totally sensitive to the emotional trauma me and my wife were going through. That would never happen, and certainly not in the Childs room. Usually when the doc’s surgeons etc. discuss things with the patents it’s in a closed conference room or private waiting room or area, likewise as when Niklas arrives a from the airport that would not naturally have happened in the room in front of Alana
Just my humble opinion, ultimately it’s up to you, it’s your masterpiece, but I’d consider revising the scenes where Dr. Howards involved.

*CheckB* Imagery/Use of Descriptive Wording
Here again this is not one of my strong points, but I thought the story gave a pretty good visual even though a lot of the story was dialog. Perhaps more of this to help flesh out the and give a clearer visual of the characters and/or some of the scenes might help…(I’m honestly not sure if it’s needed though…Shrug’s)
Perhaps maybe the repeated “Bouncing up and down” reference to describe Alana’s reaction in the different scenes could be replaced with some other descriptive language.

*CheckB* Grammar and Punctuation
I can’t help you here in this department. This is one of my weakest points; my English and grammar skills are horrendous.

Now for The Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
The Eight Point Story Arc is new to me. I only discovered and heard about it recently and only have a very general and basic understanding of it. Other than generally, I don’t understand it’s use and full application and/or it mechanics within various genres. I only use it because I like it and the brief explanation given of each aspect of it in the article I found it in, and figured using it with reviews will not only help me give better reviews, it will help me better understand the writing craft and become a better writer. I have yet to read the book referenced in the article I read, that mentioned the art. But I’ll do my best with it and how your story measured up to it.

For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* 1 The Stasis
Good job here with hospital and locker room scenes

*RibbonG* 2 The Trigger
Couple nice triggers Alana’s illness and getting to meet her Idol

*RibbonG* 3 The Quest
I like the way you used/interweaved a couple different quest’s making Alana Happy, Winning the cup

*RibbonG* 4 The Surprise
Nice job weaving the surprises in throughout the middle story. To many to list Nice job!

*RibbonG* 5 The Critical Choice
Beautiful job here and very creative using Niklas to make the decision to go beyond the initial meeting of Alana and offering his phone number etc and how it is interlocked with the surprise. Nice Work!

*RibbonG* 6 The Climax
Again you weaved in a few climaxes as a result of Niklas’s critical decision (s).

*RibbonG* 7 The Reversal
Winning the Cup and Alana being at the game Mice work!

*RibbonG* 8 The Resolution
Wow this review really got me thinking. Here again I think you incorporated more than one resolution. You did such a great job interweaving them they are hard to sort out but clearly they are all present and part of the story structure

Summary and Closing Statement
Beautiful! Absolutely Beautiful work!

Just a couple things I like to bring to your attention though if I may…

__



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ADrift,
I'm Jillian, (pen name)
To be honest I'm not a big fan of free verse style poetry. (probably because it's new to me and I'm not all that familiar with it)
But I have to say this is a really really great poem and very powerful. You did a great job on this.
At first reading It didn't click for me. Though I felt the power and emotional impact of it, it read more like prose and didn't have that poetic ring and flow to it. (again probably because its new to me and I don't know how to read free verse, and the punctuation kind of caused me to stumble at a couple points)
Any way what I did was copy and paste it into a word doc then split it up into lines (ignoring your punctuation placements) and read it again, and then again aloud and it really came alive and not only had that powerful emotional impact It had with the first reading, it had that pleasing effect on the auditory senses.
Then I went back and read it again (aloud) in the free verse style you posted it pausing and stopping at your punctuation placements and although not quite as powerful as when in line form it did retain that nice flow and rhythm and still had that powerful emotional response in me...
Long story short I really liked it and now have a better understanding of this style/form of poetry Thanks for the enlightenment and new found appreciation of free verse poetry. Awesome job Keep up the great work and keep sharing.
PS very good to here that your sober and doing ok (I know exactly where your coming from been there...ODAAT) And
KEEP WRITING AND SHARING WITH US *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Rated: E | (3.5)
So Nice of you to write a poem about my feeling Thank you *Smile* Just kidding but I did identify. very emotional and and the tone mood comes across clear to the reader.
Nice Job, Nice Poem,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of I - Bot  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the theme behind this, and the twists you throw in that began building suspense right away, You could take this in any one of a thousand directions. Nice !!! Keep Writing. *Cool*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Cup Full  
Rated: E | (3.5)
So sorry to hear of your sister's illness, Prayers for her and your family,
This was really beautiful, inspiring and heart warming.I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for sharing this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Rated: E | (4.0)

YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED

AND ORDERED TO APPEAR BEFORE
THE HONORABLE

Judge Doltish

To stand for *Cry* *Cry*Crimes against The Quill*Cry* *Cry*

In the High Court of The Kingdom Of Scatter Brains



Piece Reviewed "Land of the Morons

Author brom21

Reviewer One Solitary Voice



Hi,
I’m Jillian; I just read your story The Land of Morons after it popped up in the Writer's dot Com review section and would like to offer you a few of my thoughts on the piece.

Before I begin, First I’d like to mention an article I just recently ran across that I found very helpful and interesting that I’d like to share with you, that discusses what is called:
The eight point story arc by Nigel Watts’ considered to be a fool-proof, fail-safe and time-honoured way to structure a story.

Which Is listed below in order with a brief explanation of each


*CheckB*  1 Stasis

This is the “every day life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.


*CheckB* 2 Trigger
Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture.

*CheckB*  3 The Quest
The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.

*CheckB* 4 The Surprise
This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasises that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”


*CheckB* 5 Critical Choice

At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


*CheckB*  6 Climax

The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.


*CheckB*  7 Reversal

The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.


*CheckB*  8 Resolution

The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.
(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)
I've only covered Watts’ eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories.
He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs – subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.
You can buy Writing a Novel from Amazon.com – and I highly recommend that you do, as it’s an excellent book for any writer of fiction, and deals with all aspects of the craft (not just eight-point arcs!)


Here;s the Link to the article:
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/


Couple thoughts on my review style.

I generally don’t comment on; grammar, punctuation, spelling/Typo's, Parts of Speech etc. because these are not on my list of stronger points and if I'm not mistaken; that is the job of a copy editor. I’m basically just a newbie trying to learn the craft, and become a better writer myself as with you I'm sure.


I'll be using this "Eight Point Story arc. as a guild for the review

I like this approach to reviewing because…

Well, I’m pretty much new to the craft of writing and my English and Grammar skills are not one of my strongest virtues,
(but I’m working on that *Reading* *Smile* ) and this approach I think helps me better understand the craftsmen ship of authors at work sculpting their masterpieces.


I hope you find it useful also.*Smile*

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a *RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*

And always remember: It’s your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for it.

So… Let’s begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression

I wasn't going to review this because of it's length, I printed it out Friday to read because I liked the title, but didn't have a chance to read it over the weekend, but finally got a chance this morning while having my coffee.
YOU OWE ME A NEW KEYBOARD BY THE WAY THAT WAS FUNNY AS HELL I CHOKED AND SPIT OUT COFFEE ALL OVER MY DESK AND KEYBOARD MORE THAN ONCE {e:smile)
I found this hilarious and very creative, and decided to give reviewing it a try.


*CheckB* Favorite Parts

Can't pin point any one part, I’d say that what I like best about this story was the humor and sarcasm that you inter weaved throughout. It keep me reading and laughing, it was great.


*CheckB* Plot

The Plot, theme, and spiritual message behind the humor I thought was great.


*CheckB* Characters

I loved all of them. Awesome job!!!


*CheckB* Use of descriptive wording;

I loved the use of terms and wording throughout the story, the names of the characters, kingdoms, etc.. You did a great job throughout the story, I especially liked the descriptive wording used to describe the awareness or awakening of the princess's emotional awareness. Nice job.


{e:CheckB} Imagery

Here again you did a nice job creating the imagery in all the scenes and in general. And the humor you injected was classic I Loved it.

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:


For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* 1 The Stasis
You covered this aspect nicely, Personally I’m not a big fan of using dialog as an opening but you did a nice job using the dialog to create the Stasis here.


*RibbonG* 2 The Trigger
I thought the kidnapping of Grale, by way of putting a knife to the throat of the young woman was a nice take on the use of a trigger.


*RibbonG* 3 The Quest
King Airhead not understanding the message of the Grale the wizard and the Quest of Princess Ditsy going to ask him was a very creative and funny introduction that began the quest and the situations “the Surprise” built into the quest throughout the story I again thought were hilarious, Nice job.


*RibbonG* 4 The Surprise
Nice job here.


*RibbonG* 5 The Critical Choice
This was a nice take also on the Princess ditsy putting sword to the throat of King Danvy and then deciding not to kill him at the suggestion of the coach driver.


*RibbonG* 6 The Climax
The sword to the throat…as I mentioned above, I think you created and incorporated a few climaxes or sub climaxes if you will and did a great job with it.


*RibbonG* 7 The Reversal
The reversal was great here: the giving of the stone to King Darvy by Princess Ditsy that was a very creative reversal. Nice Job!!!


*RibbonG* 8 The Resolution
The return to the Stasis, This was perfect. Well Done. The way in which all the people were becoming aware of their humanity was great and the return of a New Stasis of a kingdom of normal people living their lives vs a kingdom of dumb Ass’s. Loved it!!!


You have been found Innocent on all charges and ordered released for*Cool* continued writing *Cool*
Summary and Closing Remarks:
I absolutely loved reading this story. I’m so glad I didn’t put this down and blow off this review and I was a micro-second away from doing so. I’ve only reviewed a handful of stories using the eight point arc and this is the longest one. All the others were really short, (500-1,000 words)
I honestly had doubts about whether or not I could do a good job with this review and it was a little complicated you are an excellent writer and did a wonderful job on this. I learned a ton from this review and laughed my butt off while doing so. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I loved the theme behind the story and how you brought that out in the final paragraph.
There only thing I thought was a wee bit tacky or wasn’t really needed that the story could do without and that was the mention of the bible and religion. Though I fully understand the how morals, values, compassion, love and spiritual values are rooted in religious teachings it just kind of put a bet of a damper on the ending and I’m a Christian But that was just my personal view. But then on the other hand it fleshes out the importance of our religious teachings. And it could also be used as another critical choice that could create a sequel. Regardless though it was a great piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of The Diner Window  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Congratulations
You've Just Been Reviewed
You’re
You’re A Winner of
100 GP’s


Item Reviewed "The Diner Window

Author Bjorn E. R. Olson

Reviewer One Solitary Voice


Hi...,
I’m Jillian; I just read your poem The Diner Window after it popped up in the review section and really enjoyed reading it.

I’m pretty much a newbie to the craft of writing and reviewing so I can’t offer you any solid professional advice but would like to share my thoughts on it as a reader.

Before I begin:
I’d like to ask you to please keep in mind and remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your poem.
Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion.
You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

I’ll be using the following Aspects as a guild line and reference point for this review.


Below is a list of the categories I’ll be covering in my review.


*BulletB* Personal Impression
*BulletB* Tone
*BulletB* Mood
*BulletB* Rhyme
*BulletB* Form
*BulletB* Flow
*BulletB* Emotional Impact


Note :
For the review will use a three colored ribbon system, green, blue, and red, to measure my feelings on the strength of that area of the review.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category will denote my feelings on each aspect of the poem.

Green Ribbon *RibbonG*
Means I feel the poem passed and met this criteria.

Blue Ribbon *RibbonB*
Means I feel this is somehow incomplete, weak and or lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

Red Ribbon *RibbonR*
Means I think the poem missing this.

Face Palm *FacePalm*
Ether standing alone or alongside a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.


I like this approach because…Well, as I said above; I’m pretty much new to the craft of writing and reviewing, and this approach helps me better understand the craftsmen ship of poetry, and what makes a poem a true masterpiece.

Again, Please keep in mind that my views and opinions are just that The opinion of an inexperienced writer and poet learning the craft.

I offer them in good spirit only with the hope they might help you make this already great poem an even better one or even perhaps true Poetic masterpiece.

And Remember Always that this poem is your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for it.


So… Let’s Begin My Review Shall We*Smile*


*CheckG* Personal Impression
I liked this and the way it drew me into the body and mind of the character. I completely identified with the feelings, their musing on their life, the boredom, the atmosphere, the setting. I thought it was a great poem

*CheckG* Tone
The tone (the attitude behind the words) Blazingly stood out and jumped off the page and right into me as a reader.

*CheckG* Mood
The mood (the emotion the reader feels as they are reading the poem_) has a lot to do with tone in poetry. The tone was so well incorporated I naturally and unavoidably spilled over into me as the reader. I couldn't help but feel your attitude and emotion as the author.

*CheckG* Rhyme
My understanding of rhyme, rhythm, form, and flow, as it applies to poetry; though not all are needed and or used in every poem, is that they all work in unison to create and produce an effect for the reader.
While there is no rhyming here in this poem, the rhythm you created was beautiful.
I love the rhythm of this and the way it appealed to my auditory sense’s when I read it aloud. You did a beautiful job in this area.



*CheckG* *FacePalm* Form
This is where I think I may go astray as a newbie. I’m not exactly sure what form is and how it’s applied when reviewing poetry. So I’m giving you a green flag and a face palm here because as I said I’m just learning and I don’t fully understand all the conventions and their applications and use in Poetry.
I may be wrong here but I think form applies to a poem’s style or consonance, alliteration, and assonance.
At any rate what I’ll do is comment on the alliteration (‘the repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of a series of words and/or phrases’).
The alliteration was beautiful the way you weaved the lines together in each of the stanza’s e.g.
Line one I do not know
Line two: I cannot see
Lines three I…See, hear, feel, regret,
The consistency stays throughout the entire poem and is present in each and every stanza.
The creativity and skill you displayed here was Awesome and beautiful job!!!



*CheckG* Flow
Was perfect, it flowed like mellifluous.
I was there, I was the character and could feel everything he/she was feeling, seeing, and thinking, I was completely drawn in and totally Identified with, and became him/her.



*CheckG* Emotional Impact
I was there, I was the character and could feel everything he/she was feeling, seeing, and thinking, I was completely drawn in and totally Identified with, and became him/her.
Again Beautiful Job!



Closing Remarks
To be honest with you, and I’m not blowing smoke up your butt when I say this, but if not already, this is a true masterpiece. IMHO I not only loved it I learned quite a bit from reviewing it. Thanks so much for the education and learning experience I received from reviewing this poem. All I can say is thank you.
You definitely deserve a pat on the back for this, and/or some type of award for this poem. And I will most definitely have to check out your portfolio. Have you entered this or any other work of yours in contests and won anything (other than GP’s here on WdC)?
You are without a doubt a very skilled poet.




Thanks for sharing this item! I truly enjoyed this Poem.
Please keep on writing!



One Solitary Voice


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of The Phone  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Cool* Congratulations *Cool*


*Reading* *Reading* You've Just Been Reviewed *Reading* *Reading*



And You’re


*Delight* *Delight**RibbonB* *RibbonB* A Winner Of 100 GP's *RibbonB* *RibbonB**Delight* *Delight*



Piece Reviewed "The Phone

Author Hiroshi Jones

Reviewer One Solitary Voice



Hi Hiroshi,
I’m Jillian; I just read your story The Phone after it popped up in the Writer's dot Com review section and would like to offer you a few of my thoughts on the piece.

Before I begin, First I’d like to mention an article I just recently ran across that I found very helpful and interesting that I’d like to share with you, that discusses what is called:
The eight point story arc by Nigel Watts’ considered to be a fool-proof, fail-safe and time-honoured way to structure a story.

Which Is listed below in order with a brief explanation of each


*CheckB*  1 Stasis

This is the “every day life” in which the story is set. Think of Cinderella sweeping the ashes, Jack (of Beanstalk fame) living in poverty with his mum and a cow, or Harry Potter living with the Dursley’s.


*CheckB* 2 Trigger
Something beyond the control of the protagonist (hero/heroine) is the trigger which sparks off the story. A fairy godmother appears, someone pays in magic beans not gold, a mysterious letter arrives … you get the picture.

*CheckB*  3 The Quest
The trigger results in a quest – an unpleasant trigger (e.g. a protagonist losing his job) might involve a quest to return to the status quo; a pleasant trigger (e.g. finding a treasure map) means a quest to maintain or increase the new pleasant state.

*CheckB* 4 The Surprise
This stage involves not one but several elements, and takes up most of the middle part of the story. “Surprise” includes pleasant events, but more often means obstacles, complications, conflict and trouble for the protagonist.
Watts emphasises that surprises shouldn’t be too random or too predictable – they need to be unexpected, but plausible. The reader has to think “I should have seen that coming!”


*CheckB* 5 Critical Choice

At some stage, your protagonist needs to make a crucial decision; a critical choice. This is often when we find out exactly who a character is, as real personalities are revealed at moments of high stress. Watts stresses that this has to be a decision by the character to take a particular path – not just something that happens by chance.
In many classic stories, the “critical choice” involves choosing between a good, but hard, path and a bad, but easy, one.
In tragedies, the unhappy ending often stems from a character making the wrong choice at this point – Romeo poisoning himself on seeing Juliet supposedly dead, for example.


*CheckB*  6 Climax

The critical choice(s) made by your protagonist need to result in the climax, the highest peak of tension, in your story.
For some stories, this could be the firing squad leveling their guns to shoot, a battle commencing, a high-speed chase or something equally dramatic. In other stories, the climax could be a huge argument between a husband and wife, or a playground fight between children, or Cinderella and the Ugly Sisters trying on the glass slipper.


*CheckB*  7 Reversal

The reversal should be the consequence of the critical choice and the climax, and it should change the status of the characters – especially your protagonist. For example, a downtrodden wife might leave her husband after a row; a bullied child might stand up for a fellow victim and realize that the bully no longer has any power over him; Cinderella might be recognized by the prince.
Your story reversals should be inevitable and probable. Nothing should happen for no reason, changes in status should not fall out of the sky. The story should unfold as life unfolds: relentlessly, implacably, and plausibly.


*CheckB*  8 Resolution

The resolution is a return to a fresh stasis – one where the characters should be changed, wiser and enlightened, but where the story being told is complete.
(You can always start off a new story, a sequel, with another trigger…)
I've only covered Watts’ eight-point arc in brief here. In the book, he gives several examples of how the eight-point arc applies to various stories.
He also explains how a longer story (such as a novel) should include arcs-within-arcs – subplots and scenes where the same eight-point structure is followed, but at a more minor level than for the arc of the entire story.
You can buy Writing a Novel from Amazon.com – and I highly recommend that you do, as it’s an excellent book for any writer of fiction, and deals with all aspects of the craft (not just eight-point arcs!)


Here;s the Link to the article:
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/


Couple thoughts on my review style.

I generally don’t comment on; grammar, punctuation, spelling/Typo's, Parts of Speech etc. because like I said above these are not on my list of stronger points and if I'm not mistaken; that is the job of a copy editor. I’m basically just a newbie trying to learn the craft, and become a better writer myself as with you I'm sure.


I'll be using this "Eight Point Story arc. as a guild to review (Insert Title)

I like this approach to reviewing because…

Well, I’m pretty much new to the craft of writing and my English and Grammar skills are not one of my strongest virtues,
(but I’m working on that *Reading* *Smile* ) and this approach I think helps me better understand the craftsmen ship of authors at work sculpting their masterpieces.


I hope you find it useful also.*Smile*

Please keep in mind {color:brown} That my views and opinions are just that: My own personal views and opinions, and that I only offer them in good spirit with the hope my thoughts might help you make this great work a *RibbonY* TRUE MASTERPIECE *RibbonY* *Smile*

And always remember: It’s your creation and masterpiece and only you know what is truly right for it.

So… Let’s begin our review, Shall We...


My Review

*CheckB* General Impression
I liked it. I thought It was well written, the opening grabbed my attention right away with the discovery of the phone which sparked my curiously. Then you began building tension and continued to build on that, right to the end.

*CheckB* Favorite Parts
I’d have to say the ending. That was very creative having Joshua as the driver of the pickup truck that hit Natalie as she bolted out in the street in a panic.

*CheckB* Plot
I liked the complexity and the way and the way you inter wound and introduced what could become the sub plots if you write this short piece forward into a longer novel.

*CheckB* Characters
At the opening couldn’t really feel or warm up to Natalie, for some reason or another. I’m not really sure why other than because as the reader I was more curious and focused on the phone and it’s owner and what happened just prior to Natalie finding it and what was going to take place next. Then as you fleshed her out as the story moved forward I began to connect and identify with her.
Natalie’s boyfriend Dale was interesting and made me curios at to what his role in the story would be. He made a good presense and didn’t need to be fleshed out.
Likewise as with Joshua, he was interesting, and didn’t need to be fleshed out. I liked his role and how you placed him as the truck driver.


*CheckB* Use of descriptive wording;
You did a nice job here with the descriptive wording.

*CheckB* Imagery
The descriptive wording (and the style and tone) of which you wrote this worked beautifully pulling the reader in; allowing the reader to visualize not only the setting, but also the scenery. It was also nice the way it allowed the reader to feel the tension and emotional impact the events were having on Natalie.

Now the Eight point Story Arc.
Note:
For the arc, I will use a three colored ribbon system, a green, a blue, and a red, to denote my view on how well I feel the story met the criteria of the Arc.
The color of the ribbon to the left of the category title will denote my feelings on each aspect of the story arc.

A Green Ribbon *RibbonG* Will mean I feel the story met this criteria and was met and is present in the story.

A Blue Ribbons *RibbonB* Will mean I feel this section is somehow incomplete, lacking, and I will explain as best I can, and offer any suggestions I can think of.

A Red Ribbon *RibbonR* Will mean I think the story missed this topic is absent completely

A Face Palm *FacePalm* Ether standing alone or along side a ribbon Will mean I don't know, or I'm not sure.

The Arc.

*RibbonG* 1 The Stasis

*RibbonG* 2 The Trigger

*RibbonG* 3 The Quest

*RibbonG* 4 The Surprise

*RibbonG* 5 The Critical Choice

*RibbonG* 6 The Climax

*RibbonG* 7 The Reversal

*RibbonG* 8 The Resolution


Summary and Closing Remarks:
I liked this. Unfortunately I have nothing to offer that can make this already great story any better. As far as I can see, you covered everything excellently,
*Medalgold*NICE JOB!!!

Keep up the good work and for sure Keep writing*Wink*

Jillian C.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Rated: E | (4.0)
Warning

You've been targeted for a sarcastic and humorous Review.


Hi, I'm Jillian,

Nice work,
Not much I can offer for improvement other than to point out that the piece was not quite complete.
You failed to reference that Dennis guy who’s always laughing and insulting people while drunk on Miller, and that other psychotic commentator Bill O who loves verbally abusing other news reporters by yelling things at them like “Don’t Block The Shot” and love’s writing books about killing famous people who are already dead.
Other than that it was a great Piece….
O by the way…Did You get that Prophet job? You were certainly 100% accurate and spot on, on your predictions in 2011.
If not then I’m sending You a belated gift of 200 GP’s as a consolation prize for your courage to run for the position. *Smile*

O ya... In the future Please try to lighten up and not be so hard on the beaver... I mean after all, He is just a wee little lad and don't know any better yet
*Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Life's Lawn  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I’m pretty much unskilled and fairly new to the writing gig. I only recently started to review other writer’s work, I also only recently began getting active posting my own work and entering contest’s on this site after signing up a bit over a year ago. (Just a head’s up last night I cleaned out my portfolio in an attempt to better organize my work here. An anonymous member upgraded my free membership to a three month upgraded membership. Long story short after having additional access unlocked to other features of this sight I decided to continue with the upgraded level thus in an attempt to begin organizing my work My portfolio is currently empty) anyway… all that unnecessary gibberish being said…
This was/is Nice,
I liked this poem. At first read it seemed awkward and I sort of stumbled over some of the lines, but on the re-read, it came together a little better and flowed more smoothly. The only suggestion I can think to offer is to try shortening some of the longer lines that tend to read more like prose vs poetry into syllable counts of (say 5 to 11 syllables) so that it flows and sounds more mellifluously. Also another possible idea is to start add and begin a second stanza where you introduce the steel blades of the mower. Perhaps also pull out a thesaurus and try alternating some of the wording. I hope this is helpful. IMHO it's a great piece of work, just needs to be tweaked and tightened up a bit. And again Welcome to the site.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Rated: E | (3.0)
I really enjoyed reading this. Nice piece. If it were really only that simple, and maybe it really is that simple and that is why we can’t see and or practice and work toward the solution, because the solution is so simple it eludes us. We human being love to complicate things and perhaps there in lays the crux of the problem.
But yet at the same time there is nothing simple about it, we have spent the past hundred and fifty years or so adapting to an ever increasing changing and ever more increasing complicated world and building and adding on to our federal, state and local governments and legal system to attempt to deal with and guide us along, to preserve and retain our strength, wealth, and power and complex relationships in our increasing complicated world. And it is backfiring.
There is so much that could be written on this that we could fill a myriad of libraries, and in fact we have, and again therein lies the problem; We’ve buried the Key and solution so deep in the matrix, no one seems to be able to find it. While the whole time it is laying right there in front of us, Inside of us, in our hearts and minds, our faith and the willingness to take that first step forward and action, hard work and sacrifice to build a better world for ourselves, our family, friends and neighbors and in turn that inspired those around us thus we became one people all working together that built this nation.
(I know I’m rambling but I think I speak the truth or at least part of it {though I haven’t even scratched the surface of it} )
Again loved reading this Thanks


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Rated: E | (5.0)
I absolutely loved this piece and the style of which you wrote it. The message is so simple and true yet it was buried in a matrix of psycho babble. (for lack of a better description) {LOL…Ha Ha Ha}
Most every sentence is long and utilizes pretty much every part of speech and is extremely difficult for me to pick apart…(way out of my league and way above my skill level in so far as offering positive feedback and critique.
The examples you give and the way in which you narrate the story from every angle and examine it in the psychological realm just captured me and kept my eyes glued to the page reading. I’m actually somewhat jealous to some extent perhaps because I've always had an interest in Psychology (and writing). I almost clicked out and moved on because I knew immediately this piece was way over my head but decided against it because I wanted the GP’s, but more importantly, I also love a challenge and this attempted review really challenged me and pushed me to my limit.
Great Job well worth the five star rating I’m going to give you


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kevint