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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kiddo11290
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Public Reviews
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Review by Jason Clayton
Rated: E | (5.0)

This piece is written very well, especially for a writer so young. There's not a single misspelled word here. Do you have any idea how many people there are on this site that are twice your age that can't say that?

Now, there are a few things that I will point out to help you. They're not really wrong, but you may want to know these points.

You need to work on your comma placement a bit. You didn't use any commas incorrectly (and MAJOR kudoes to you for that; again, twice your age), but there are a few spots where it would do you some good to put a comma.

One such spot is your last sentence: "After I am done with this I go to bed." You have several places where you do this sort of thing. Here, you need a comma after 'this.'

"After they are done my family serves themselves the hot corn cakes."You need a comma after 'they are done.' Also, this sentence is in passive tense. Passive tense occurs whenever a writer says that something that is being done TO the subject of the sentence. You do it a few places in this piece, for example:

"After the meal is done several hunters assemble outside one of our chief's tipi."

Passive tense isn't wrong in terms of grammar or mechanics, but it does sound a bit weak. Most writers prefer active tense, where the subject is acting upon an object.

Passive--The door was closed.

Active--He/She/It closed the door.

In the case of the sentence above, you could say "When they've finished the meal, several hunters assemble outside of one of our chief's tipi."

"After lunch I play a game with some morechildren where you throw a stick and try to get it before anyone else." There's a typo here.

And one more bit of advice: the adverb is not your friend. Remember that adverbs describe the verb. Too many adverbs make a piece sound clunky, and if you use far too many, your story can sound comical even if you don't intend for it to. What you will want to do instead is use a more accurate verb ("yelled" instead of "said loudly") or, whenever possible, use context clues, where the reader can guess from what's happening in the scene how a character performed an action. This latter path is an example of "show, don't tell," which is something you should strive for.

All of this having been said, I am very impressed by the quality of the work you've displayed here. Keep it up. You should not be discouraged by anything that I've said here. If you have any questions about anything I've said, feel free to ask.
2
2
Review by Jason Clayton
Rated: E | (5.0)

It needs a little work in style, punctuation, spelling, the usual stuff. Other than that, it's fantastic. It bums me out that both of the characters died. I also loved how you included the bit of political propoganda about the Elves.
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