My dear Foxtale, the narrative here is for me too depressing for the gag punchline to work.
The pathos is more powerful than the humor in it. Fundamentally it is a sorry story of social and civilizational disintegration that is sliding towards civil warfare.
The joke is too light hearted for its context. It needs something more visceral and smartingly discomfiting to really land anything meaningful on its targets; you know, a punchline that 'punches' in the no holds barred way Ricky Gervais does.
The Woke won't get it until the humor gets sufficiently brutal to qualify as war by other means.
It is a nice little story, but context is everything....
Sonali, I could not have had more pleasure from reading your poem than if you had given me a hundred year old port. My deepest thanks for a viscerally satisfying existential drink. Well done.
First, there is a universal quality about remembrance of childhood. It is its intensity. You have captured that very successfully. I have a vivid picture in my mind of those childhood moments.
Second, the detail with which you introduce the street re-enforces that intensity nicely. And the reader wants to remember with you.
Third, if you are going to keep the piece in the present tense, you must introduce it in a way that takes you from past to present, in the way a film does through flash back.
Fourth, watch your singular/plural verb agreements as per is/are. Run the sentence using personal pronouns rather than names and it will be more obvious. It is easier to make a mistake if you use apostrophe s for foreshortening.
Regards Christopher 'Kiffit' Nagle
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