|This is in response to your review request. I'll do individual reviews as I work my way through, chapter by chapter. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
This is a very promising story. I'm intrigued about the world and there is obviously a lot going on. There are also a lot of mechanical and stylistic errors, along with some factual and plot-based errors you may want to consider, but I look forward to reading more!
As a first chapter, the plot is solid with the exception of a few questions I had as I was reading. One of those is: are the slaves a nationality? A race? A type of creature? And regardless of who they are, why are they being allowed to train with wooden swords? Even a wooden sword can kill someone and I'm sure the guards would be aware of that fact. It's something to consider.
Style and Voice:
There are a lot of mechanical and technical errors which make it hard to comment on the style of the story. Right now, the flow of narration needs work as it's stilted and feels overly wordy. There are a few places where it feels like you sat down with a thesaurus and pulled synonyms out without double-checking their usage, which you might want to check on. Example: the tents are described as both being lime green and "ruddy." I'm not sure what the intention was, but ruddy means red in color or flushed, like a ruddy complexion.
I feel like I've been dropped into the middle of a world without a guide book. You use references to the kinds of guards without describing how Drake and his grandmother would refer to themselves, so it's hard to tell if they are the same kinds of people or not. You may want to consider including some narration to explain how the slaves became slaves, as the grandmother's explanation of "people are hurting" isn't terribly clear nor compelling to an audience.
Speaking to setting-related details, you may want to consider how your characters are dressed. Slaves have full boots? In a desert? It seems more likely the guards would have boots and greaves while the slaves are relegated to far cheaper sandals.
Drake and his grandmother are a good focus for the beginning of this story, but I have trouble connecting to Drake as a character. We don't hear much of his inner monologue or what he thinks about his situation, only how he physically reacts to what's happening around him. Inner monologue would help the reader engage with the main character and sympathize with him more. We want to stay with him for the whole story, so getting his backstory in early helps a lot.
Beware the cliche. A lot of your dialog, especially the guards' lines, sound overdrawn and cliche. Villains who narrate their actions tend to sound unrealistic. For example, when the general is yelling at Drake for being a slave, he says, "You’re a slave, they’re all slaves! Why should we allow you freedom simply because circumstances have changed? We planned on killing all of you anyway." Why is he telling Drake this? There's very little motivation to tell a slave (noted as being worthless and dead already) all about their plans in any level of detail. Something direct and to the point seems more likely: "You're slaves and you'll die like slaves." Or something similar.
Grammar and Mechanics:
As I mentioned above, there are a lot of mechanical and technical errors ranging from improperly placed commas to a lot of sliding around with tenses. I'm leaving that awareness where it is, assuming you plan to edit it out later.
What follows is a checklist of some of the things that crossed my mind while I was reading that otherwise doesn't fit above.
* You mention that the guards have white metallic armor. Is it enameled armor? I'm greatly curious about the material involved in that armor.
* The process of dumping food on ravenous slaves isn't a sustainable practice for keeping slaves healthy. Obviously, there isn't much of that planned but I would assume this is a group of slaves that have existed for more than a few weeks. It seems more likely that some level of orderly distribution of food has been developed, even if it's just among the slaves themselves.
* You reference a stag as moving on from the death of a doe. Unless these are a species of deer I've never heard of, most deer are not monogamous. Herd animals seldom are, with one male working to fertilize an entire stock of females. You might want to consider a different animal for this analogy: wolves work well, as do birds of prey or swans.
* When Drake goes into his battle rage, you focus on describing the external signs of what's going on, rather than the internal. Drake himself would be unaware of what's happening to his pupils and taking things from his perspective would give the battle sequence a much more immediate, visceral feel.
* In a few places, you use modern terminology to make comparisons: holding the rock like a pitcher or the lightning coming down like guided missiles. You may want to avoid these anachronisms in favor of something more setting-based.
* You describe a "burlesque" guard. I got the giggles over this because burlesque is a kind of dancing, like can-can or otherwise erotic dancers. Maybe that was the intent, but I kind of doubt it. :)
* You may want to reconsider your description of the female warrior. Most female athletes are not going to have an hourglass figure. I recommend looking up pictures of soccer players or swimmers, for example. They tend to be muscular and appear stockier than what Western society considers "pretty" and "feminine." There are ways for a woman to be beautiful and striking without adhering to the Barbie-doll aesthetic.
* In field medicine, you would be better off leaving an arrow or bolt like this in place, as removing it could do massive amounts of damage (the heads are designed to rend flesh upon being pulled out). Maybe Drake is unaware of this and pulls it without thinking, but the warrior would know and might even fight him. It can cause incredible pain and excessive bleeding.
Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to continuing on with the following chapters! You're doing great. :)