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Review of Chapter One  
Review by Kitson
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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by A Guest Visitor


Preface to a review.
Before I begin your review, let me explain how I acquire the substance of the material.
I have a vision problem and therefore use a text to speech reader so that it is likened to listening to books on tape. I do not consider spelling and punctuation because not only don’t I see it, mine is terrible. I mainly listen and consider the story line, plot, continuity, plausibility, (Even if it’s fiction or fantasy.) character development, conversation, and dialog.

Your first paragraph was clear and descriptive and set the scene in a small Tennessee town.
From there, I lost your continuity and found it somewhat wordy.
We learned that Brianna was in school but with no indication of age until much later.

I took the liberty of rearranging your 2nd 3rd and 4th paragraphs into the following:

Brianna was a petite young girl with thick chocolate-colored hair. Her eyes were deep brown and at first glance, appeared almost black. She was close to her mom Rose, who worked while she was at school. Rose had sapphire eyes, and flowing hair. Her laughter, when let free, became a musical melody. Whenever Brianna got home from school, Rose was always there with a smile and a snack. Her dad worked a lot, and when he came home, he’d keep to himself while sitting in front of the TV drinking beer.

Despite having been raised on a low family income, she constantly dreamed of a bright future. Her parents argued often and when they did, she would sit alone in her room, writing poetry or strumming her hand-me-down acoustic guitar, and visualizing her picture perfect wedding.

One night shortly following her thirteenth birthday, she was sitting at the dinner table doing homework while her mom stirred a boiling pot of soup. They heard the squeak of the screen door, followed by the slam of the heavy oak front door. She looked at her mom and saw her shoulders stiffen; Dad was home.

I only reduced the word count by 10 however, by rearranging the introduction of characters I hoped to improve continuity.

I especially liked the way your conversation combined with action created a visual picture of the action, mood, and attitude throughout the story. Well done!

My over all feeling: The actions and descriptions were colorful and complete.

If your story meant to relate the confused feelings of an underprivileged adolescent girl confronted with conflicted emotions of sexuality you succeeded beautifully.

I hope you found my review as constructive as I intended it to be. Best wishes with your continued efforts.
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