*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kitsune123
Review Requests: OFF
1 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Only Skin Deep  
Review by kitsune123
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
That was pretty cool! I did not expect that.

I thought Elise's reaction to the monster wasn't dramatic enough. I think she would be more freaked out by a person sprouting monstrous spikes from its back.

Overall I think you could try smoothing out the descriptions. Like these two sentences: "As he glared at her, she shrieked and recoiled. The waiter next to her gasped and dropped his serving tray." I would rewrite it as: "She shrieked, recoiling at her husband's furious glare. The waiter's serving tray clattered to the floor nearby." The 'shrieked and recoiled/ gasped and dropped' sequence just makes it sound choppy and hard to keep track of what's going on.

Can you change "the whole restaurant went ballistic" to something a little more informative? It seems sort of overdramatic and yet ambiguous. "Ballistic" is a slang term to referring to a person being irrational, so its use in this context seems out of place.

Overall I thought your story was fun and interesting! I would like to see it with more detail about the setting/characters so I can get into it more before the monsters make their appearances. Very cool - thanks for sharing!
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kitsune123