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Hello,
I enjoyed your piece. You have done some good work here. I like the way you bring the reader, by increments, to the very end and death. Good writing.
Keep on!
KM
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Very nice looking young lady you have there. You seem very proud. The best love we have is that which we feel for our children. Thank you for sharing this.
KM
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This is an excellent piece of work. I enjoyed reading it very much. All the mythology and such was very interesting and added alot of flavor to the piece. I would not change anything.I like the way you brake it up into different size paragraphs. This makes it a pleasure to read. Very impressive and unique.
Keep on!
KM
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This is good work. I would not do things much differently. Your writing is smooth and all the basics are well executed. I have only read this chapter but it sounds like a good story. I enjoyed reading it very much and am sure the rest of it is nicely done as well.
Keep on!
KM
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Wow! Another great read. I always enjoy reading your work. You are precise and clear. You use just the right word which is sometimes hard for some of us. It flows forth like the best of a story teller should work.
Keep on!
KM
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I enjoyed reading your piece. I am an agnostic. I find your way of expression very interesting and really makes a person think. I wouldn't change your work. I find it compelling just as it is. I will have look into C.S. Lewis' work more. Sounds interesting.
KM-Mystic Topaz
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You might want to think about changing the point of the beginning of your story to when Kessler comes in. Maybe think back over the pattern on the wall being what the main character was thinking about he came in. You want to start out with something that will grab your reader. Some very good emotion described and word useage and conversation was nicely handled. Maybe you could redo the beginning, read it that way and see what you think.
Keep it up!
KM-Mystice Topaz
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I enjoyed reading this very much. It has a real rhthym to it and flowed nicely. It has a ice rhyming to it as well. Some nice imagery and word useage was right on. I wouldn't change anything and found no typos or anything.
Keep it up!
KM-Mystice Topaz
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This piece has an interesting begining and got me interested. I found it very unique, with good dialogue. It seemed very honest and well thought out. I might change the parts where you finish a statement as to what the main character would say by put that part of the dialogue in italics. Rather than this I think it is a pretty good piece.
Keep it up!
KM-Mystic Topaz
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you have written an interesting beginning to your Chapter One. I liked your style of writing. You do use all the basics well- such as conversation, word useage,etc. I think your piece was well done and I enjoyed it very much. I would not change anything and think the way you began the piece is my favorite part.
Keep it up!
KM-Mystic Topaz
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I just want to start out by saying- Good for you!If I gave fives you would get one. The way you started your piece could not have been better. I think a story should start out with a whollup to get the reader's attention and you did that.
This is a fine story. I wouldn't change a thing. You use conversation to keep it going and fine word useage. I must say that it is so refreshing to come across a real well written piece.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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This is another interesting series of definitions. Well written, and excellent word choices. I think you have a very unique style and am curious to see how it goes. Nice work.
This is a very interesting piece of combined definitons. I am not sure what your age is but I see several different eras visited here. Nicely organized and just goes to prove again that the dictionary is our friend. Thank you!
I enjoyed reading your poem. You have used wonderful rhthym and rhyme to make this read as excellent prose. I haven't read one as good in quite awhile. It is an age old story but uniquely brought to life. I wouldn't change a thing. Sorry such things have a need to be written and hope this wasn't something that happened to you.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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"Completely Addicted to Writing.Com"
I enjoyed reading your bio. It must be very gratifying to have published your first book. I am sorry you feel it is a curse. I find it to be the most wonderful way to get away for a while. And, I can even make things right atleast on paper. Congrats on the book and hope it will become more fun for you in the future. Good work!
This is the third in a series of 4 reviews of your port. I hope my comments are of help.
What I liked
Your honestly and clear realism in this piece is a great tool in setting the mood for this piece. I think the 'moisture from the eyes' phrase really says alot for the mood here. For a man to admit to crying is great stuff in itself. This evoked the right amount of sadness without being pathetic.
What I Might Change
I guess I would have to have you explain brilliantly relaxed.
Grammar and Spelling
Again, you have shown respect for your own work by presenting it clean with no gramatical errors and no typos. Good work!
Because I am a romantic at heart I truly enjoyed this.
I found this piece very moving, with such realism it even brought memories back to me as well. Very nice. You may want to do a proof read. this is a good habit to get into. I found the rhyme to be good but the rhthym lacking.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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This was real cute and I enjoyed reading it. In a very few words you have told a very cute story. Word useage is fine although I think you should either bring the entire thing together and not have a break in the middle or find it some where else.
This was well written. I happened to be unemployed at the time of this horror and so I set and watched the news while I filled out aps and waited for call backs. Your word useage is good and you understand rhyme and rhthym. It all seems to work well.
Keep it up!
Khaynne
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