Good Evening, Mr. Baker. Sandcastles Shopgirl here. I stumbled across this story while watching the NY Yankees try to play baseball tonight. Your story helped take my mind off how awful they are playing right now. But I digress...
Your story started off so calmly and quite quickly became the scenarios of nightmares, but that is not how I thought the story would play out. Each calamity following so close on the heels of the one proceeding it, led me to think this was all a kind of test that the main character, the President, was being subjected to a series of tests by the military - industrial complex denizens that would be answering to her. Then the story zigzags to the familiar, it was all a dream, albeit a very bad one.
But even using that much used plot device, your story was well done!!!! You had me hooked with the stunt the uncle of the President pulled. That was very clever, but considering the current state of the media, I don't think he would have gotten away with that one. This is probably the only thing that I would consider expanding on. How he managed to get away with that and the President never knowing what he was up to it even being questioned about it by reporters. That would be a fascinating story all on its own.
Other than that nit-picky take, I really enjoyed the story.
These are only my suggestions and observations. Info for you to use or discard as you see fit.
Good morning! Happy New Year! Sand Castle Shopgirl here. Your poem succinctly captures the "I'm right and you are wrong" mindset". We are all guilty of it at one time or another. Even
those who profess to "see" both sides of a situation.
Your rhyme scheme is spot on. There is nothing in this poem that I would suggest needs correction. It is philosophical food for thought for the reader. A serving which we all need every now and again. Well done.
Good Morning! Sand Castles Shopgirl here! You made me smile this morning! I love the use of Alliteration in the beginning and your rhyme is spot on. I can find nothing that needs improving. All that being said...
This immediately brought to mind a complaint my mother always voiced when we were growing up....there was a gremlin in the house that would only leave one cookie in a box, one mouthful of milk in the container or if the gremlin was in a particularly mischievous frame of mind...would put the EMPTY containers back in place. It never failed to set her off, lol!
So, long story short, I loved your poem! Write on!
Good Morning! Sand Castles Shopgirl here. I love the imagery created here. We once owned a home in the Pocono mountains and our house fronted a pond. Every summer, water lilies made an appearance. As the winds would ripple the water in the sunlight, it would look like the water lilies were moving. Your poem brought back those images in full color to me. Nicely done. I am giving it five stars for the imagery evoked and the syllable format. I am still learning the art of Haiku and love it when I see someone create a picture with so few words.
Hello, Sorji. Sand Castles Shopgirl here and I am offering a review of your story. Any suggestions or recommendations are for you to consider or discard as you see fit.
While no time or place is definite, the scenario could be anywhere, at any time along the timeline of history. Your faceless, nameless narrator, who represents anyone and everyone, has experienced an invasion or war raid. He/she chronicles the injustice inflicted on his or her tribe/country with such sadness and disbelief.
His/her questions are timeless. Questions one could imagine the survivors of conquests or incursions asking in the aftermath of such tragedy. The unanswerable question of WHY? But despite your depiction of the harm that mankind inflicts upon his fellow man something survives among the fallen stones. An ephemeral spark that survives not in the fallen stones, but in the bones of the builders. That spark is hope. Despite the helplessness and defeat so aptly described in your story, one of your survivors found the spark and courage to give it room to grow.
Your story, as I see it, needs nothing to improve its telling. My only suggestions would be a few spelling changes.
The word in the story "hurdling" I would change to hurtling. And your use of "alters" I would change to altars.
Other than that, I found your story moving and well written. Write on!
Good morning! Sand Castles Shopgirl here. Any suggestions or comments here are for you to use or discard as you choose.
I was captivated by your description of the sea. Giving it a life of its own, feelings and emotions of its own I thought well done. I have often heard the admonition of never turning your back to the waves whenever visiting the islands of Hawaii. The twist added here works well with the beginning of your story and the idea of the ocean as a sentient being.
You cast Bronagh well, as a person trying to separate themselves from their beginnings. Only to realize those beginnings stay with us all our lives.
The early teachings of appeasing the sea seemed to take root for Bronagh as shown in her artwork offered up to the waves.
Your opening chapter is a wonderful hook. Bronson seems a complicated character that will need to learn to balance the old with the new.
Perhaps a bit more physical description of your characters and perhaps the time and island itself could be included here.
I think you have the makings of a lovely story here!
Poor Gemma! Hi Angel, Shopgirl here. You have described well the sense of helplessness that poor little girl is feeling. The sadness and loneliness she feels is palpable. Her wisdom beyond her years only makes her feel it more acutely. You have a good grasp on making your reader really root for this little girl to be rescued and finally undedstood. All the while, your reader is still trying to figure out just how the drugs the into Gemma's ability. Write on!!!
Wow! Gemma's secret is out...at least to Bobby and your readers. Your descriptions of the evacuation center and how the people reacted to the situation are quite believeable. But letting everyone in on Gemma's special ability opens the doors to even more questions about just went on with her mother.
So many questions and so much anticipation! Write on!
Hi, Angel..Shopgirl here. I am really intrigued by your little girl Gemma. She seems almost too good to be true. Your descriptions of her are vivid and well done. She is almost eerily self-possessed. Your depiction of everyone's unease is nicely shown. Throw in Gemma's nearly psychic abilities and her inability to let everyone know what she sees and you have set up a spooky situation. That drug cocktail that her mother took...going for the conspiracy theory here...was her mother experimented on? I am interested in what happens next...what happens when THEY figure out about Gemma's special abilities.
Our characters can be such demanding entities! MayFlowers Shopgirl here. This is so spot on and I love it! Sometimes I wonder if those who populate our daily lives ever think we are just a bit crazy, lol. I know my hubbie tends to look at me a bit funny when I get frustrated with my writing and complain that the characters are giving me a hard time.
I see nothing that needs changing here! I can almost see one of your characters wagging a finger at you like a mother scolding a slightly naughty child. Keep in writing.
I had enjoyed reading the John Jakes series when I was much younger than I am today. I had forgotten how much history he was able to pack into a story by his use of his characters in the specific time period and their dialog. I think I might be needing a trip to the library and dig up some of his books for a re-read this summer.
I have always been fascinated with the Ancient history of Egypt. As I have travelled to the Ancient sites of the Incas and Aztec and the passage tombs of Ancient Ireland and the site of Stonehenge in England, I am in awe of the knowledge and skills and technologies used by our ancestors. From Rome and Greece and Ephesus and Isatanbul, our ancestors were engineers of tremendous skill.
The fact that astronomy played a major role in all these sites raises many questions and speculations. All of those leading to some fantastic writing prompts.
That being said, reading your pieces on Nefertiti, and Tutankamen I am impressed with you grasp of the Ancient history. If I may ask, are you of Egyptian descent?
I seem to detect a bit of a struggle with the use of English, but do not let that deter you. Your grasp of history is something to be proud of and I found your journey through the halls of Ancient history quite interesting. Keep in writing!
You started by painting what seemed to be the scene replicated by many families every Christmas Eve. One of both parents putting the finishing touches on what they hope will be the perfect Christmas for their children and families.
You lull the reader with your take until he last paragraph. That was a twist I did not see coming and what an ending it was! Gives new meaning to the phrase, Holiday Shopping.
My only suggestion would be to put some indication
after the fourth paragraph to show the change of times in the story. This suggestion for you to use or not as you see fit. Well done.
What a lovely image you paint here! You make use of your syllables per line very well. If you had not mentioned your image was a hummingbird, I would had guessed at the Green Heron. Equating flight and freedom is done well here. I like the image of feeling the wind of their wings in your hair. Lovely poem!
Sorry to see that something like that happened. Just as in our personal dealings, there is no need to be nasty on paper or the computer screen. And yes, if a reviewer wants to criticize, suggestions should be offered to help.
Don't give up on the rest of the lovely people who populate this site. There will always be one bad apple. As the song says, "Let it go."
Good Morning, Salt Water Taffy Shopgirl here. I have walked in your shoes more miles than I can tell you. The only time I was very thin in my life, some of my family that I was battling anorexia. And yes, I was pretty sick all the time too.
You really highlight the dilemma weight challenged people face. You give voice to the pain and frustration very well. The problem mostly being the judgement of other people.
It took a long time for me to realize that most people are just so petty and insecure, that the only way to feel good about themselves is to denigrate others. Sad commentary on our fellow man. I have also developed a sharp tongue and will use it when necessary. More importantly, I have come to accept that I do my best to be healthy. All things in moderation and if people can not accept me for me, that is their loss, not mine. I feel very sorry for them mostly and wonder why they are so unhappy that they need to make others so miserable about themselves.
Chin up! Keep working on being healthy in ALL aspects of your life. Remember, the biggest weight loss you will ever have is losing the weight of living up to others expectations. It's time to start giving your expectations the precedence they deserve.
Salt Water Taffy Shopgirl here. This made me smile on such a gray, soggy morning. A slightly irreverent take on unicorns, but amusing nonetheless. The twist at the end was well played.
I had a wee bit of trouble with the flow of the two longest lines in each stanza. The meter seemed a bit muddled to me. Again, those are only my observations for you to use or ignore as you see fit.
Hello! Spiced Jellybean Shopgirl here. I would like to give my thoughts about this lovely story.
Your description of the party atmosphere, from the perspective of the Duke was a spot on. He seemed to be as ill at ease as was Lady Charlotte. The interesting aspect of his surveillance was the revelation that he was no different than those he seemed the Wallflowers. He seemed more interested in the Incomparables, despite his wanting to show his disinterest. Each group looking for that "something" just slightly out of their reach.
I did feel a bit sorry for Lady Charlotte. Your brief description of her mother as buxom and of fierce disposition was all that was needed to bring a picture of her to mind.
I suspect that Lady Charlotte is not really a Wallflower, just a young lady chafing under the social mores of the day.
I loved this piece! Despite only brief physical description, I could picture the whole scene. I hope there is more to this story.
Good Morning! Spiced Jellybean Shopgirl here. Hopefully, your morning is not off to as soggy a start as mine is right now!
This is wonderful. I am never ceased to be amazed at how just the smallest scent can transport one back to a specific time in one's life. And how so many memories are built around the food we share with family and friends. Your imagery is spot on and I can almost smell those waffles and syrup right now.
It is a gentle remembering and your poem reflects this. Well done.