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Public Reviews
Review by Team Contract
Rated: E | (4.0)
That was quite an amusing little piece and a bit of a challenge for a prompt. Using the omniscient point of view worked well to speed things along as well as give a sense of humor to the whole bit. So, good job I would say, especially if this had a word limit.

Review by Team Contract
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a very clean piece of work. From a technical standpoint I think the writing was quite good and I like your use of direct thought for reactions. I only saw a few areas that could be of improvement. Such as your use of filtering in this line.

"Sej felt his eyes opening and a distant thought welcomed the return of his body."

Filtering is when you use words like felt to have the character experience something. It's like a small buffer and places a bit of distance between the reader and the character. Try removing it and just have the reader experience it along with the character. It causes the reader to attune with the character more.

From a story telling standpoint not a whole lot happens, although what does happen is interesting. The thing I find lacking however is that I have no real sense of who Sej is or why I should care about him before this miraculous thing happens to him. The result for me is it makes all of it very un-special to a point where why not just start the story with sej already in the new world.

To correct this I would suggest devoting more of this chapter to Sej and who he is before this all takes place. e.g. Start with him writing in the morning but then he had to go to work, interact with people, give us a chance to know him and why writing is so important. Perhaps he's broke and needs to sell a book to pay for his sick child. Something that will make the reader care about this adventure he is about to embark upon and make it almost imperative for him to succeed and return.

Hope this helps!

-Kirk of Team Contract

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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